Moving Forward

After much consideration, Brian and I decided to pursue speech therapy for Caleb.

Back at his 18-month well visit, we received a script for Caleb to get him evaluated for his speech delay.  Thinking at the time that he would come to speak on his own sooner or later, we decided to leave the issue alone for a little while.

Three months later, he is still not speaking.  While we aren't sitting here quaking in our boots, we decided it was time to take some action.  After all, he doesn't even say, "ma ma" or "da da".  Our main concern was him being locked inside himself and frustrated as a result.  With a new baby coming this summer, we want to make sure we give him the time he needs to flourish and thrive.

Today, he was evaluated by three professionals, who evaluated him in several areas.  In the end, they decided that he needs help with speech, and also some eating weaknesses.  (He still won't eat with a spoon or fork.)  He actually did really well socially (which, let's be honest, I was surprised given our very limited sphere of acquaintances around these parts), and his motor skills were also very good. (Only weak in the area of the staircase- entirely my fault- because I'm scared my boy will fall down the stairs.)

They complimented me by saying that I do very well taking care of him and responding to his needs, even though he can't tell me what he wants.  (I know this boy ridiculously well!)  They encouraged me to back off a little and try to force him to tell me what he wants.

In a couple of weeks or so, we'll be opening our home to a speech therapist, who will be coming once a week for an hour to work with him.  I'm excited to see Caleb grow in this way, and frankly, I'm excited to see him getting to know someone on a weekly basis.  I know it will be good for him!

By the way, all of this is entirely free, which is another reason we couldn't refuse.  The county pays for the expenses.  I cannot wait to hear him say his first word!

I also want to add another thing.  It is so easy as a mother to feel thousands of insecurities assaulting you at all times.  Everybody has their own opinion and constantly "shove" theirs in your face, whether or not you are seeking it.  It hurts more than words can say.  I know that I am always trying to do my best for my boy, as I see fit.  (That's all anyone can do, right?)  As I said to this team of professionals, who were fairly diverse in their ages, that sometimes I feel like it is my fault that Caleb isn't speaking.  They basically told me to stop right there with that thinking.  Sometimes, they said, it takes someone else coming in and making a difference.  One of the ladies said that her own two children were both delayed, and she is a speech therapist!  I let their words wash over me, and I felt so encouraged.

One step at a time.  We still are trying to deal with Caleb's many, many temper tantrums, which, to be honest, are draining the life out of me, but at least we are starting to deal with his speech issues. For that I am so excited, and so thankful!

In the Valley

"Down in the valley, valley so low
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow.
Hear the wind blow, love, hear the wind blow;
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow."

These are the words to the beginning of a folk song, which I discovered when I read Catherine Marshall's novel Christy years ago.  (This novel turned into a t.v. miniseries.)

These lines have been tumbling around in my head for what seems like weeks now.  The written word has always impacted me... it is no wonder why I became a literature teacher.

The song goes on from here, but this is the only stanza I've ever known.  I have always believed that the written word is always left for some interpretation by the reader (within reason, of course), and these words speak to me in perhaps a way it wouldn't to another.

Life is full of mountain tops and valleys both.  Some times we feel like we are soaring high; other times we feel like we are sinking on quicksand.  I understand (like everyone else) what it is like to be in the valley.  I also understand what it is like to be on the mountain, and strangely enough, it seems like there are times I can be at both places at once.

To me, this song is so lovely.  It makes it seem as though being in the valley isn't such a bad thing. To me, it is saying, "While you are in that valley, hang your head over.  Go ahead and face whatever challenges are coming your way.  But while you are there, hear the wind blow.  You might be stuck in that valley for a little bit, but it isn't as bad as you think.  Hear the wind blow.  Hear the music in it. Feel the breeze on your face.  Learn from it.  It won't last forever."

I guess that is why I've been dwelling on these words for the past month or so.  In once sense, I am on a mountain top.  I am soaring with the joy of being with child!  It is a wonderful, exhilarating time to know that a tiny babe sits in my womb and is a part of me.  One day he/she will be running around along with our Caleb, but for now, this little one is nestled snug and safe within me.  Sure, pregnancy is an uncomfortable time physically, but it is also wonderfully glorious.

But in another sense, I am in a valley.  It's been a long winter of being stuck indoors most days. The rare times I do get out, I feel akin to a prisoner being let out of prison.  It is also a hard time right now because Caleb is quite the handful.  We are experiencing many temper tantrums and difficulties. Since he is the only human being I interact with, for the majority of the day, it is extremely draining and exhausting.

I'm not trying to complain.  He is a delight and a joy, too!  Don't misunderstand me!  There are times he is so affectionate with me, he absolutely melts my heart.  Lately he's been taking my face into his hands and coming close to me, rubbing noses, or giving me a kiss.  If I am sitting on the floor, he may come over and lean against me.  He doesn't do these things with Brian, because for whatever reason, he just associates them with me.  (He has other things he does with Brian and not with me.)

I know the valley won't last forever.  It'll only serve to make me stronger in the end.  Like this song says, "Hear the wind blow."

I will be listening for the lessons the Lord has for me.

Winter Blues

I, for one, have the winter blues.

Anyone else?

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I never used to hate winter.  I grew up in NJ, and I enjoyed the changes of the four seasons.  At my last teaching job, I even had to stand out on "carline" at the end of the day for about fifteen-twenty minutes and make sure the kids were not run over as they loaded into their cars.  I endured it.

I lived in Prague for a year, and winter was dreadfully long and cold over there, not to mention all forms of transportation were mass, and I'd constantly be waiting for a bus, tram, or metro, or simply walking from Point A to Point B.  I endured it.

But the Poconos?  I'm weary of it.

Please don't think I am complaining here.  I am not trying to.  But facts are facts, people.  Caleb and I have become shut-ins.  Hermits.  Recluses.

Today, for example, I had a prenatal appointment.  Since it was going to be SO COLD (like wind chills of -16), and Caleb was a touch sick for a couple of days, yesterday I belabored the issue over and over again, and finally decided to reschedule.  That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is when my midwife is only at the office down the street on Fridays, and she is off next Friday, leaving me stuck with one of the doctors I don't like next week.  (There is another office where she works, out near the hospital, but I save that for when I really have to go there, like the ultrasounds.  Who wants to drive fifty minutes when you don't have to?)

Meanwhile, Caleb has been fine today, but still, the air was bone-chilling, take-your-breath-away cold this morning, so I guess I'm still glad we avoided it.

The other reason we stay in so much is the fact that the driveway is so slippery, and he is soooo hard to carry when we are both billowing out in our winter coats, and let's not forget, there's a belly to add to the mix now, too.  We cannot park in the garage, because poor Brian already has so much driveway to shovel, that parking in the garage would only give him more work to do.

Most days have either been too cold (my twenty-two year old car takes forever to warm up), or it has been snowing, or whatever.  (On the radio this morning, even the plow guy was stating, even though this is how he makes money, that even he has had enough.  So, thank you, I guess I'm not alone.)

One day when we emerge from our cocoons, I think Caleb and I both will need to reacquaint ourselves with the world.  (And perhaps relearn some social skills.)

I'm uploading two photos here from last month... Caleb in the snow with Daddy.  It was a pretty deep snow, and Caleb just couldn't stand upright with his little legs.  He loved it, though!  (I, however, did not like the fact that his gloves kept coming off, and I was worried about those little hands freezing.)

The Solution I Found To Achieve Pregnancy

**Any man out there reading this blog may want to skip this post.  I will not write ANYTHING offensive, personal, or embarrassing in nature.  I will write as if my father or brother were reading this.  I just wanted to put a warning there if it makes anyone uncomfortable.

Perhaps someone will stumble upon this post who really needs to read it.

I mentioned in my last post that I had trouble getting pregnant this time around.  The majority of women are able to conceive twelve months postpartum, some obviously before, and others later. For women who are nursing, twelve months seems to be the time that most babies either cut back significantly or are weaned altogether.  Once a baby stops nursing through the night, a woman's chances of pregnancy skyrocket. Caleb stopped nursing through the night a long time ago, and when he hit the one year mark, I found myself unable to conceive, for several months, in fact.

What is not commonly known is that ANY nursing at all, for some women, is a means of contraception, even if it is one measly nursing a day.  Many women do not have this problem, and go on happily to conceive while still nursing.  I found myself in the former category, though it took me a few months to realize what the problem was.

I used the charting method in order to achieve pregnancy, as I did with Caleb.  I won't go into the details of that here, but it is incredibly helpful to figure out where you are in your cycle and when the time of ovulation might be.  It involves taking your temperature each morning before your feet even hit the floor, which is also a great tool in pointing out a key detail in a woman's cycle:  when ovulation has occurred.  That part of the cycle, after ovulation occurs, to the start of the next cycle, is important also.  That is called the luteal phase.

After several months of disappointment, I was trying to figure out why we were not having success. I was scared because I was getting older.  Perhaps my time was done.  In desperation, I began to search the internet for things like "trying to conceive while nursing", wondering if nursing had anything to do with our lack of success.

It turned out it did.  In a nutshell, nursing was causing my luteal phase to remain too short (too short means under ten days), which meant simply this:  no fertilized egg would be able to implant itself on the uterus wall.  It is possible to even have an extremely early miscarriage, in which the egg was fertilized, but could not make a go of it.  Whether that is a life that will be in heaven, I have no idea. Only God does.

I discovered that there is a solution!  By taking an herbal supplement called Vitex, a woman's luteal phase could stretch out in one or two cycles, and thus achieve the pregnancy she longed for. Totally healthy, by the way, no chemicals involved in any way.

I feel blessed that my solution was an easy one.  I didn't see any doctors nor did I have to even leave the comfort of my home to get an answer.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!  We are so excited for this new life within me!