Our Baby In Heaven, We Love You

 

Some of you may know, or not know, that we had a miscarriage last month, on November 6.  It is a hard thing to "announce" and bring up in ordinary conversation.  So sometimes it gets left unsaid.

We found out we were pregnant the day after Brian's birthday, on October 4.  We were excited and nervous, and of course, wondering how in the world we would handle it all.  Our house is already too small, and has been ever since our little Anna came into our world.  However, no matter what, this baby was always loved and wanted.  

Looking back, I can see that I perhaps felt differently about this pregnancy, as if I knew something wasn't right.  I wouldn't have been able to acknowledge that going through it, but in hindsight, something felt off.  Brian said he felt the same way.  Perhaps it was the Lord's way of preparing us, though I still felt unprepared for the sorrow we faced.

Since I am not 25 or even 35, I knew pregnancy at my age is risky.  Knowing that, I decided to have my hCG levels tested.  Those numbers are supposed to at least double every two or three days.  If they do not, it is a big warning sign that something might be wrong with the pregnancy.  When my numbers only rose by a few thousand, but no where near double, it was suggested that I come in for an ultrasound.

At 7 weeks, we got to see our tiny little baby.  Their heart was beating, but the rate was on the lower side, at 100 BPM.  Its size was measuring about 5 days behind.  I also had a clot in my uterus near the baby, which wasn't necessarily a problem, but could be.  I was told to come back in one week.

I did whatever I could that week to help my baby, not that there is really much anyone can do.  I ate more, willing my baby to grow.  I drank nettle tea two times a day, a wonderful tea for development of the fetus.  I prayed.  We asked our church to pray.  I really believed God would turn this situation around.

We arrived for the second ultrasound, and that experience itself was pretty bad, considering the doctor wasn't there to talk with us afterward, and we had to go home guessing the bad news but not knowing for sure.  Our baby's heart rate, though still there, had slowed so much it could not be counted.  And our precious little love had shrunk in size.

This was told to me over the phone, since we had made the 45-minute drive by the time the doctor was able to call me.  I was told to prepare for a miscarriage.  My options were surgery (a D and C), or take drugs to speed it up and do it at home (after another ultrasound to confirm death of baby), or wait for it all to happen on its own.

I could barely get off the phone with the doctor without my voice cracking and falling apart, and into my husband's arms I collapsed.  I sobbed.  Oh, the grief was great!  He held me and whispered words of comfort, but I just saw our baby slipping away from me.  No!  This cannot be happening!  We want this baby!  All the babies that are aborted every single day, and this baby is wanted!  LOVED!  No, I don't want to let them go!  I don't want to feel this pain!

I knew I didn't want to have the surgery.  I didn't want the drugs either.  In fact, I canceled the next ultrasound they had scheduled for me.  I had no wish to see my lifeless baby on the screen.  The doctor had said it could take up to a month for the miscarriage to take place.  So, I tried to get prepared mentally for the physical stuff, whenever it would happen.  I wondered how I could handle it at home if Brian was at work, trying to deal with that and take care of the kids.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long.  One week and a day later, I began to have cramps after breakfast, at about 7:30.  It was a Saturday, but Brian had to go for a grocery pickup, and for reasons that don't need to be explained here, we choose to go to a town several towns away.  It was already ordered, and he needed to go.  He planned to call me every so often to check in on me.  

The cramps steadily got worse.  I didn't know how soon it would happen, but I knew my body was getting ready.  I had looked up as much info on miscarriage as I could find, but still all my questions were not answered.  I knew I just had to walk this road and find out myself.  I prepared lunch early for the kids, trying to get that done as the cramps grew stronger.  I was starting to double over at times, and I pulled up a song by Natalie Grant, called "Held".  It is about a mother losing a 2-month old, and really, it is about suffering and loss for anyone.  I played it on the computer, or my phone, I don't remember which, and with tears streaming down my face, and my cramps building up in my abdomen, I got the boys' food on the table.  

Anna was waiting to nurse, so I was just trying to take care of everyone in order that I could take care of myself when the moment came.  I sat down with her, and as she nursed, I felt a ceasing of the cramps very suddenly, and something like a pop in my abdomen.  Is this it, I wondered?  When she was done, I felt like the time had come, and the first of many, many trips to the bathroom began.  It was just before 10:30.

Brian called just after the miscarriage, and I let him know it happened, and off he sped down the road, trying to get to me as soon as possible.  The physical stuff takes a while, and several hours later, I was about ready to throw up and pass out.  

In the song "Held" it talks about the sacred being "torn" from your life.  It is exactly how a miscarriage feels.  I cannot say it any better.  That baby is being ripped away from your very person.  I wanted them, loved them, and there was nothing I could do to keep them with me.  

I don't mean to be melodramatic.  I am certainly not the first woman to miscarry, nor will I be the last.  And losing a living child would be a far worse pain than what I have experienced.  Still, it is something to mourn.  It is a loss.  We must take that time to grieve and let go.  

Each time I think I am over it, and my eyes will cease watering up once and for all, it sneaks up on me again.  I think of the soft cheeks I long to kiss, and the blue eyes I never got to gaze upon.  (We are all blue here, so I am sure this one would be the same.)  To not know if they were a boy or a girl.  I think of Anna who doesn't get to be a big sister.  There is a great chasm between me and my baby, and I can't get to them, no matter how much I wish to.

And yet, God speaks.  God comforts.  I know where my baby is.  My baby is in heaven, full of joy and at peace.  I don't say it merely because I wish it.  I say this with certainty.  I know my God.  I know my Jesus takes babies in His arms, who are too little to reject Him, too little to make those big decisions of eternity and salvation.

My loss here on Earth will one day be my GAIN.  One day, after I meet Jesus, I believe He will show me what I will be waiting my whole life to see, my little one at long last.  This sorrow will not last forever.  

It won't matter if they died in my womb or lived 100 years.  They are spending eternity in heaven.  And that is ETERNITY!  I will get to be with them, forever.  Without a shadow of a doubt, my faith is in Jesus.  I am a sinner in desperate need of His salvation.  I am covered in His blood.  By His wounds, I am healed.

I have prayed and asked God that He could let our baby know that they were loved.  They were always wanted.  I read a book by Pastor Erwin Lutzer, coincidentally after I prayed this earnest prayer, and he believes God can honor those types of prayers.  I hope He does.  

My friend Amanda sent me the above ornament.  It was the first ornament I put on the tree this year, and I am thankful for the beautiful reminder of our unborn, but never unloved, precious baby.

While I don't relish this experience, I am thankful that it at least helps me understand other women going through a miscarriage, and I hope and pray God will use me to bring comfort to someone hurting.  I don't know that I will ever "get over it".  I think there will always be a hole in my heart, but I have the hope of seeing them one day.  One glorious day!

Below are the lyrics to "Held" by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Nichole Wells, which truly helped to "hold" me during this time.  Truly, Jesus does hold us in all our of sorrows, when we reach the very end of ourselves.

To my precious baby I never got to hold:  Your Daddy and I love you more than words can say.  Looking forward to heaven now has new meaning for me, since you are there.  God created you in my womb.  Psalm 139 says He knit you together.  You, my darling baby, though you were so tiny, and didn't get to live long on Earth, you have an eternal soul.  Your life, though short, has significant value.  You will always mean something to me, every day of my life.  I never will stop loving you. Love, Mama

Two months is too little 
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live
It's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We wanna taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held
Yeah, ooh be held, oh

This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held

This is what it means to be held.

Happy Anniversary: Ten Years

One decade down!  How many more to go?  Brian is hoping for at least four!  Let's see how long we live, or if Jesus comes first!

While shopping for Brian's gift on Etsy, I came across this hysterical Trump card.  I couldn't resist getting it as a gag gift!

Our traditional gift theme this year was tin, so I found this adorable tin cup for Brian which has a double meaning with "Happy Campers".  Together, we are happy campers in marriage, but Brian also has dreams of renting an RV in the summers and traveling across states as a family.  So this cup represents what we are, and what we will be.  Brian loved it!

For me, Brian bought a tin heart for keeping jewelry.

Marriage isn't a fairy tale.  It is hard work!  It takes much letting go of our own wants and desires and putting our spouse first.  Sometimes, we buck against the very idea!  When I had foot surgery in February, it was a hard time on us all.  I was completely down and out.  Brian had to step up and take care of the kids and do all my normal chores besides.  He even had to take care of me!  I couldn't even get into the shower without his help.  I joked with him then, if only our vows had included, "Brian, do you take Courtney, in foot surgery, and out of foot surgery?"  I felt so embarrassed to be reduced to a lump on the couch, and while I was grateful I could still take care of Anna to some degree (change diapers/clothing and nurse), and I could chop veggies and mix things if Brian brought them to me, it was so far from my usual workhorse self.  And yet, perhaps it wasn't a time wasted at all.  God taught Brian how to step it up, and He taught me how to appreciate my home in a far different way, even when things were quite out of control.  And while I was embarrassed to be reduced to what I was, for a time, I know I was SAFE with Brian.  He would love the weak Courtney, just as much as the strong.  For that, I am grateful.

Brian didn't picture those weeks of me being disabled, I am sure, when he was waiting for his bride to come gliding down the aisle.  And yet, his love and commitment to me kept him by my side, taking care of us all, even when it was far out of his comfort zone.

We are grateful that we have made it ten years.  God has brought us three beautiful children, which was one more than we thought we'd have!  Sure, we are bursting out of this house, but we are here, together.  

Please excuse my dorky selfie.  Really, in general I'm not much for selfies, unless one of the kids is in there with me.  Every year, I put on my wedding bracelet, earrings, and headband that I wore as a bride on my anniversary.  It is my way to connect with that day, and to feel a bit like a bride again, on a much smaller scale.  I mean, really, why wear those things only once?  And Anna noticed right away, wanting to play with them all, proving what a little princess she already is.

Happy Birthday, Silas! Six Years

Well, today was our Silas's birthday, and I like to continue my tradition of writing a brief blurb here on the old blog.  But today I had my second round of foot surgery to remove unwanted and unmissed hardware (Adios!), and I'm not up for too much other than resting and elevating.  And if you knew the state of our laptop, you'd know that there is no battery reserve, so that makes sitting with the computer impossible when not near an outlet.

So, I'll be back!  We love our Silas, even though the days are hard, we keep looking UP when we are feeling nothing but down.  God knows and loves Him, through and through.

More to come!

________________________________________________________________________________

I didn't intend to get foot surgery the day of Silas's birthday.  Actually, I didn't intend to get a second foot surgery this year.  After the long and difficult recovery from my first foot surgery back in February, I didn't want to go anywhere near the operating room.

After fifteen sessions of physical therapy back in May/June, my foot did improve somewhat, but I still didn't get the healing I was looking for.  I still walked with a limp, and I was still in more pain than I had been experiencing before my surgery in February.  This surgery was supposed to make me feel like I had a new foot!  The doctor suggested removing the screws, plates, and staple in my foot.  For some people, their bodies simply don't respond well to the hardware, and it causes them pain.  The hardware had done its job, and could be removed.

Still, I thought I would put the surgery off until next year.  Even though it was an easier surgery, I worked so hard to get back on my feet and I just didn't want to go under the knife again.  Then, it seems just as I made the decision to wait until next year, I swiftly changed my mind.  I particularly didn't like one staple, that you could both see and feel sticking slightly from my toe, and I just wanted to be done with it all and put this chapter of my life behind me.  So, I scurried back to the doctor as quickly as my feet would take me, and signed the consents for the hardware removal surgery.  That was July 22nd, the day before my birthday. 

I had no idea they'd get me in so quickly!  When the nurse called to say they could get me on the schedule for August 10, Silas's birthday, I felt badly about taking anything away from his day, but I decided to go for it.  Brian is off in the summer, and it would give me some time to heal before he headed back to work.  So I spent the two weeks making a few trips to the stores and taking care of things around the house.

And of course, I got everything ready for Silas's birthday ahead of time.

The surgery center is about an hour and forty minutes from our house, and I needed to be there at 7.  So we woke the kids up early, and left our house at 5:15.  Not fun.  The kids were real troopers, and after having done this in February, it was far easier this time around.  A)  The weather was warmer, and Brian could take the kids to a nearby park while I was in surgery and B)  This surgery was only about an hour (not counting pre-surgery and post-surgery times), while my other surgery was about five hours.  After Brian took the kids to the park, they only had to wait in the car for me about fifteen minutes, which was a major improvement compared to the hours and hours they spent in the car this past winter waiting for me.  (My original ride got COVID last minute back in February, so Brian had no choice but to take me along with the kids.)  

We had balloons for Silas in the car, since he loves balloons, and a trip to the park is a great way to celebrate his birthday, so I didn't have to feel too badly about him being stuck accompanying me to my surgery.  We got home just after noon (as opposed to after 5 my first surgery), and I had to fight off the sedation for the next few hours.  I was so tired!  Brian went down to Dunkin to get me an iced coffee, and it perked me up.  I didn't want to be half asleep through Silas's presents and cupcakes.  It did the trick, and I was able to enjoy Silas's birthday and serve his cupcakes and play with his presents.  I was happy to still be walking, which was a real treat after being off my feet for about 8 weeks after my first surgery.  (Also, I should mention the doctor decided to leave one screw in my foot, as he thought I would still need it for stability.)

We love our Silas, and while things are still hard in our lives right now, we pray for him every day, and we try to cheer him on and build him up as much as we can.  I don't know why he has to suffer like this.  I don't know why we have to suffer like this.  Because make no mistake, it is suffering.  But I know our God can be trusted.  I know He has a plan for our lives, and what's more, those who trust in Jesus have eternal life with Him.  I know this life is but a vapor, and even if Silas is not healed in this life (which we pray he will be), he will be completely whole in heaven.  

Silas is a little guy who likes things in order, and he is forever picking up things in the house and moving them back to their original places if they were moved.  This can be a blessing and a curse for us all.  He likes to sing, and he has many songs memorized from the Cedarmont Kids videos we have.  He's got a bunch of stuffed animals and toys he simply must bring to bed, and it is a wonder he gets any sleep at all with all that stuff in his bed!

When he smiles, you stop whatever you are doing and smile right back.  Nothing makes me happier than to see him happy!  

We have big dreams for him, because we serve a big God.  We love him, and though our lives might revolve around meltdowns, he is still ours.  He is loved by an all-powerful, holy, loving God, and that God knows him through and through.  His life has just as much importance as yours or mine.  

Here's our guy as he is about to eat his cupcake!  This guy has no sweets at all.  We are on a strict diet with him, and I sweetened his cupcakes with xylitol, which isn't a true sugar.  Let's just say he was well aware of the treat he was having, and he savored every bite!

Here are some pics of the kids on the deck this past week!

So, this was really a 9, because the store was out of a 6.  Shhh, it is our secret, okay?

Happy Birthday, Caleb! Eight Years

Before we get to the topic at hand, let me just say that I had foot surgery this past February, and I had no idea that I would basically be signing my life away.  I only just started walking last week, without crutches or a walker.  (I ended up using a walker after 6 weeks on the crutches, when the crutches finally killed my ribs.)  It's been a long journey, I've been very discouraged at times, and I'm still not completely out the other side.  I am walking, but it hurts badly at times, and I have weeks of physical therapy ahead of me.  

But enough about that.  It was Caleb's birthday today!

Caleb has had a good year!  He's learning so much in homeschool and he's doing great with reading!  He loves to draw, especially the Veggie Tales characters.  He's a good big brother to Anna, and he has fun playing with her.  Caleb was a big help to his poor mama, when I was stuck on the couch for so long, and he became my fetcher on a regular basis.

I don't know what his brain is made of, but he has got a quite a head for geography.  He knows the exits on the interstate better than we do and what place is at which number.  Whenever Brian or I go out, Caleb wants to know exactly where.  If he doesn't know the place, he will question us as to where the place is located.  I have no doubt that one day soon he will be better than I am with directions.  He knows where all the states are.  He's really sharp in this area, and I can't wait to see what he'll do with it!

He, like any kid, loves to eat, and after almost every meal, he thanks me for it and says it was very good!  The little guy knows how to melt his mama's heart!  He's really a good eater, and like any of us, has one or two things he doesn't like, but overall he is easy to please!

Caleb loves to go grocery shopping with me, or at least, he did when I used to go!  I still don't have the strength to go shopping yet with my foot.  I am looking forward to going with him again, because it was "our thing" we did together!  I miss it!

This past January, Caleb accepted Jesus into his heart!  I was so privileged and honored to lead Him in a prayer.  

Time is flying by so quickly, and in only ten years, our boy could very well be leaving home.  I've got to make these years count as much as I can, and not waste the precious hours God gives me with my children.

Here's Caleb early in the morning on his birthday, wearing a new outfit I got him.  I picked the planet shirt since we studied the planets in science.

Caleb was reading aloud to us the card we gave him.

I made cupcakes with xylitol this year, since Silas has Candida in his gut and cannot eat sugar (even the "good" ones, such as honey).  Xylitol doesn't feed the Candida like sugars do, but it is expensive, and so I only will use it about three times a year.

Here is our big 8 year old!  Getting these balloons has become a fun tradition in our house!

We got Caleb a new backpack, and he loves it!

We also got Caleb a scooter, and I think that is his favorite present.  He also got a fun flying helicopter, and more books to read.  It was a great day!  

Anna: 12 Months

Dearest Anna Lynn,

Oh, where does one begin, when one's heart is overflowing with emotions, spilling over with love, and bursting the floodgates with fuzzy feelings?

Give me a moment, and I will get myself together.

Our dear girl, how we love you!  Here we were today, showering you with gifts, when we have been the ones who have received the greatest gift- the gift of being your parents.  

Everyone says it, and it is no less true here.  This year has flown by!  I can scarcely believe it, and I have to look back at my old blog posts to see the proof myself.  Didn't we bring you home from the hospital just last month?  Surely it was!  It couldn't possibly have been one year ago.  I don't believe it for a second.

And yet, here you are.  The newborn is gone, but in its place is a chubby toddler.  No, you aren't walking, or anywhere close, but the experts say that once you reach a year, you are a toddler.  I say "nonsense" to that for now.  You are still my baby, and will be for a while.

Oh, darling girl, you are busy these days!  You are crawling all over, and you are into everything.  Caleb still gets mad when you get in his stuff, which is about ten times a day.  You just learned how to use the little hammer toy this past week, and I was so proud of you as you studied me first doing it, and then you gave it a try for yourself, and successfully pounded the ball into the hole.  You wave and point here and there, when you feel like it, and you love to turn through the pages of a book.  At naptime, you almost put me to sleep, as I watch you over and over turn the pages, and nothing is more soothing to me than watching people (kids especially) turn through pages of a book, engrossed in the task.  I have to rouse myself to properly put you down!

Speaking of naps, you are a stinky napper.  I have tried and tried.  Allowing you to cry-it-out, redoing the routine again after a short nap and putting you back down... it doesn't work.  I have learned to let it go and be grateful for the sleep you do get.  You sleep well overnight at least.  You are down early, since you are a lousy napper, and for now your bedtime is around 5:30-5:45 depending.  You sleep generally until 5 a.m., at which point I come in to nurse you, and depending on the day, sometimes put you down for more sleep.  In that case, you usually sleep once again until 6-6:15.  Then we start our day!

You enjoy being read to, and you love it when I point to the alphabet letters in a book and sing the song.  I wouldn't be surprised if you know some of them by now.  We spend our days playing together, and you can be sure Caleb is always ready to join us on the floor, and many times he sits with you when I am busy in the kitchen.  You love it when we build towers that you can knock down, and you enjoy banging your mini cymbals together.  Daddy can work with you on that and any other instrument you desire to learn when you are ready for more!  

Kitty still makes you smile, though you have settled down a bit.  Daddy swore he heard you say "kitty" one day, though I didn't hear it myself.  You say a lot of "da da" but I haven't heard too much else yet.  

I love to get your attention by singing one of my songs for you.  You get all excited and your arms start waving and the bouncing begins as you wait for me to swoop you up.  I thought Silas was a "mama's boy" and he was in every sense, but you are proving to be a "mama's girl" too.  You keep me on a tight leash.  You are always looking for me, crawling to me, demanding my attention, wanting to nurse, or just wanting my company.  Sometimes, I sneak to the store when you are down for nap, and Daddy gets you when you wake up.  He always reports you are disgruntled when you awake to find me not there.  As soon as I appear, the desperate fuss begins, as if you are saying to me, "How dare you leave, and make sure you don't do that again!"  Oh, dear girl, I am never gone too long, and my heart couldn't belong to you any more than it already does.  You have nothing to fear.  

My sweetheart girl, I rejoice in the gift that God gave us in you.  We are so happy to have the daughter we waited for, for so long.  You have given us joy right when we needed it.  It isn't always an easy house to be in.  Silas, your big brother whom you try to get to know, but stands aloof from you, is in the height of meltdowns, and the days are often hard.  I pray this won't affect you negatively, but we have to leave that in God's hands for now.  We have to trust that the God who gave us you, knowing our circumstances, will see us through.

I look forward to the next few months and watching you learn new skills!  I can't wait for the spring and the park, the slides, and the swings.  You are going to love it all, no doubt!  In the next month or two, you'll be taking those first steps!  When you are in my lap, you are trying to get on your feet, with your arms holding onto me for support.  I'll be there for you, Anna Darling, when you need me to hold on as you gain your strength.  And I'll be there, too, when you need me to let go.  No matter what, I'll be cheering you on.

Anna Lynn, thank you for making our dreams come true!  For years we wondered where you were, if we'd ever have you.  Well, you're here now.  Not late at all, but right on time, according to God's plan.

We love you!  And we love the God who made you!  We will teach you about Him too, my girl.  Life is a gift that He gives, so let us give our lives back to Him.

Happy first birthday!  We love you forever.

Love,

Mama and Daddy

Anna is wearing a felt crown that my sister mailed to us in time for her birthday, a hand-me-down and worn for years by nieces Emily and Lindsey on their birthdays.  We are glad to continue the tradition!  Still a little big, but she'll grow into it!

Anna: 11 Months

What is it about babies that we find so irresistible?  Is it the giggles and squeals of delight?  Is it the baby soft skin that reminds one of the smoothest silk?  Could it be the wiggly toes or the chubby cheeks?  Perhaps it is the way they look at everything with wide-eyed wonder, reminding us that there is joy to be found in the smallest of things?  Or maybe it is their sweet, vulnerable innocence, that brings out the very best in us, to be their steadfast protectors and defenders, providers and nurturers, supporters and encouragers.

Anna is 11 months old.  Oh, this time last year, I was ready and waiting!  I was enjoying the last few weeks of taking care of my boys alone and grabbing noontime naps on the couch while I still had the chance!

My days are a lot harder now.  I have hardly a moment to myself these days, but I wouldn't trade my girl for the world!

Anna is finally a full-blown crawler!  She was getting around with a drag kind of crawl, but she finally got her knees beneath her, and she's going places!  She is discovering all of the wonders of exploration:  learning that magnets stick to the fridge, the sliding glass door is cold, and Caleb keeps little animals where the DVDs are stored.  

Our girl also loves our cat.  Now, I'm not a cat person (nor any animal), and never will be.  But Anna is clearly loving Pocono.  It is funny, because Caleb loves Pocono, having basically grown alongside him.  They are a month apart in age, and we got Pocono when Caleb was two months old.  Caleb always liked Pocono when he was a baby.  But, it appears Anna's delight is even greater.  She squeals and giggles when he comes by, and she seems to be recognizing the word "kitty".  Her reaction to him is so funny that Daddy, Caleb, and I all stop and laugh.  

Of course, as we all say, the months have flown by!  I'd better buckle my seatbelt!  These next few months are sure to bring a ton of changes!  

I've learned that being a mother requires a lot of letting go.  We are always letting our children go, aren't we?  It is a gradual process.  Even when we give birth, we are letting them go.  We push them out of our very person so they can breathe air and live life.  We encourage them to crawl, and we hold their hand when they take their first step, but we let go when they are ready to run.  We show them how to gain independence, a little here, and a little there.  We teach them how to read, write, live, and dream.  Prayerfully, we lead them to Christ and teach them to follow Him.  Everything we do is in preparation for that day when they do finally leave.  

But with all that letting go, we also get to hold on tight!  We hug and kiss good night!  We hold hands while they walk on unsteady legs.  We push them on the swings, and we wipe away their tears.  I'm glad that I have a few years yet, even with my oldest.  I'm not ready to let anyone go for a while.  They still have a lot to learn and much growing still to do.  We still have many Christmases, summers, and excursions waiting to share together and countless memories to make!  My job is not to take any of it for granted!  I will enjoy this baby soft skin for as long as I can!

Little Girl is too busy for any kind of posing!  I got a few cute pictures, though!