I've been thinking about our miscarriage and still processing it. While the fresh grief is gone, I still think about our baby, many times throughout the day. It can be a brief, passing thought going about the day, and taking care of my kids, or it can be a more in-depth analysis.
I like to think I am the mother of four, though it is true in one sense and not true in another. I have three flesh and blood children to care for, but I have another child in heaven. A child who was formed in my womb, put together by God. God chose me and my vessel to house that little one for the short time they were there. For that, I am honored.
In the first raw moments of grief and heartache, of course I wished this whole horrible experience away. I wished it never happened. I wished I hadn't gotten pregnant and that I could rewind the clock entirely.
As Scripture and truth have been applied to my wound like a balm, I see things differently now. Now, I would not wish it all away. I would not change getting pregnant. Of course, if I had the power to keep my baby with me, of course I would do that. But I do feel, as Alfred Lord Tennyson said, that "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". God has another soul in His kingdom. That is not such a bad thing! God created this baby for His purpose- also not a bad thing! While I long for my little one, I am still glad that they exist in heaven, rather than not exist at all.
As I said in my last post, my loss is loss here and now. But one day, it will be my gain. I will enjoy, one day, meeting my beautiful child I will be waiting the whole rest of my life to see. There is nothing bad about that.
I am including here a poem written by Bob Neudorf, which I found included in Erwin Lutzer's book entitled, "One Minute After You Die". Anyone who has suffered through a miscarriage can relate completely.
"Is it proper to cry
For a baby too small
For a coffin?
Yes, I think it is.
Does Jesus have
My too-small baby
In His tender arms?
Yes, I think He does.
There is so much I do not know
About you--my child--
He, she? quiet or restless?
Will I recognize
Someone I knew so little about,
Yet loved so much?
Yes, I think I will.
Ah, sweet, small child
Can I say
That loving you is like loving God?
Loving-- yet not seeing,
Holding-- yet not touching,
Caressing-- yet separated by the chasm of time.
No tombstone marks your sojourn,
And only God recorded your name.
The banquet was not canceled,
Just moved. Just moved.
Yet a tear remains
Where baby should have been.
