This baby girl was years in the making! When we announced our pregnancy to people, slowly I might add, we did it sort of hesitantly. We thought people would have a funny reaction. After all, A)We were getting older B) I had just been through a slew of seizures (but overcame them!) and C) Our boys have autism, so why in the world would we put another child into the mix?
However, we could not ignore the knock-knock of God upon our hearts, combined with His voice to me years ago when I wasn't yet married to Brian. God would not let us forget this little girl. We just couldn't shake her. We tried, goodness knows, to forget the idea of having another, for all of the above reasons. God continued hammering thoughts of her into our heads and moved heaven and earth to get us to open up to the idea. She is a miracle baby! Not because we were infertile, but because we thought we had too many roadblocks and obstacles.
Now that we have her in our arms, and we get to smother her chubby cheeks with endless kisses, there is not one shred of doubt she was meant to be here. Life is not easy, folks. Taking care of two boys on the spectrum and a baby is no walk in the park. (Just getting everyone loaded into the car is a serious and major event.) But I do not regret for one second having this girl. I was just saying the same thing to Brian this morning!
Onto her birth story, shall we?
A big factor in our getting to the hospital to have our Anna Lynn was making sure the boys were taken care of. Without family living close, that is a challenge. For the majority of the pregnancy, our plan was to call my best friend Theresa (who lives 11 minutes away) to rush over here when my time came, and call my sister at the same time to head up here from 2 1/2 hours away. Theresa would watch the boys until my sister was able to arrive.
Sounds like a decent plan, right? But no matter what, I still wasn't thrilled with it. Caleb I could explain things to. But not Silas. I didn't like the idea of us leaving in a hurry, having my friend Theresa come, and then she would leave, and then my sister would come. Although I left notes for my sister regarding just about everything, not seeing her before she came to stay with my boys for two maybe three nights would have been difficult. What if I had to rush off in the middle of the night, and Silas had to wake up to Theresa (never having seen us leave), and then my sister taking over after that? It was a lot to ask of a little boy who doesn't understand.
Near the end of my pregnancy at week 38, my midwife suggested that if I didn't go into labor on my own, that by February 12, we could induce. I would be 40 weeks and 2 days at that time. At first I rejected the idea. I like to do things all-natural. But after some time, I thought better of it. How wonderful would it be to have my sister arrive at a scheduled time and be able to prep my boys and show her the details of what she needs to know? No rushing, no shocking anyone, no catching anyone off-guard. My midwife, who is only a few years older than I, said she too had to make the decision to be induced. Like me, she has special needs children, and she had to consider them in the equation.
Also, there would be no doubt that my midwife would deliver our baby, since I'd be induced when she was on-duty at the hospital. That also was very important to me, since I established a relationship with her and she knew exactly what I wanted and didn't want.
With all that in mind, we decided to go ahead and get induced. My sister came up with my 12-year-old niece, Emily, and the dynamic duo was prepared to watch and care for our boys for the next few nights. I was able to prep my sister with all kinds of details, and I even enjoyed a quick dinner with her before heading to the hospital with Brian. We had a nice goodbye time with our boys, and off we went.
We were due at the hospital at 6 in the evening on Wednesday, February 12. My midwife had just started her 24-hour on-call duty. For me and Brian, this was as good as a date as anything we had experienced since Silas was born! Our hands are normally full with kids and kid stuff, and we actually held hands walking into the hospital! We made our way up to the maternity ward where both of our boys were born, and our girl would soon make her appearance.
As much as we could, we wanted this delivery to be natural because any drugs I get, the baby gets them too. So for me, that meant no pain medications. We arrived to our room (the same room where I delivered Silas!), and I got suited up in the ever-flattering hospital gown. First my midwife inserted a balloon, which is known as the Foley method I believe, and the balloon puts as much pressure on the cervix as a baby's head. This in turn, causes the cervix to dilate to about 5 cm. This took about two hours. The goal of this is to cause the cervix to dilate, and hope that labor takes off naturally from there. At 8:00 p.m. the balloon finished its job, and my midwife returned to break my water. Goodness, I've never had this done before, and it hurt! This involves some intense poking with something that looks similar to a crochet hook. Needless to say, I didn't have much water remaining, because I was so far along.
With the combination of the balloon dilating the cervix, and then my water breaking, we hoped labor would progress. My midwife left me alone, and the plan was that by 5:00 a.m, if I didn't go into labor, she would give me Pitocin at that point. I didn't want Pitocin, because I try to avoid anything that is a drug, but we would have no choice. So Brian and I walked the halls of the maternity ward, over and over again. Folks, this was a date for us, of sorts. We held hands. We talked. It was even kind of romantic, if you took the pain away! I had contractions, and we walked through them. As we went by the nurses' station, I saw two newborns being held by nurses, and my heart was filled with longing. I had to remind myself that I was hours away from meeting my own baby!
We took a break and went back to our room, and then went back out walking again. Why I chose to wear my slippers instead of my sneakers, I'll never know, because with my added pregnancy weight, my legs were killing me! My contractions became stronger, and even the nurse commented and noticed the difference as she heard me breathing through them as we walked on by. It sounded like things were taking off!
After my legs got too tired again, we went back to our room, and I decided I needed to lie down for a bit. I got a short sleep, and my contractions faded away and stopped. Five a.m. arrived, and to our disappointment, it was time for Pitocin.
After the Pitocin, contractions started again. Brian and I fell into a pattern (similar to what we did previously with Silas). Brian held me and I clung to him and we rocked/swayed during the pain. He had a pile Andrew Peterson songs that he had brought with him, and he sang them to me. I needed them, and they were a comfort. I couldn't stop the tears that flowed from my eyes. I didn't cry because of the physical pain, but I think the full effect of Eve's sin was upon me at the moment. "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shall bring forth children..." (Gen 3:16). I truly felt a lot of sadness and sorrow at the moment- not of course, at seeing our girl in a short time, but all of the trials of life seemed to bear down on me at the moment with their full weight, and I felt them all. Life is full of joy and full of pain; and the act of birthing a child so clearly presents both ends of the spectrum.
As contractions continued, I made it to 9 1/2 centimeters dilated. Things got real serious from this point on! Forget the songs and the dancing and whatever else. My midwife said we had to get past that last 1/2 centimeter, so she and my awesome nurse had me try different positions to get the baby past that point. First I was on my knees and elbows. I lasted there until I started to lose the blood flow in my legs. They changed me up again, and I got into my final pushing position. Brian stood with me by my head on my right side, and my nurse was at my left. My midwife, of course, was ready and waiting. I can honestly say, the third time around, my sweet Anna was actually harder to get out than my boys! And she was smaller! The nurse informed me that this is normal, because the bigger babies have the added weight and are in fact, easier to get out! Something like gravity, of sorts.
Goodness knows, I was exhausted. I pushed and pushed and of course, any woman who has done this naturally and without pain meds of any kind, knows how hard this is. Men simply have no clue. Moaning takes over and you simply cannot help yourself because you feel more animal than human at this point. My nurse reminded me to hum my moans into my chest. Brian picked right up on that, the musician that he is, and he kept tapping my chest and reminding me to hum. He was a huge help with that alone, because goodness, it is hard to remember anything in those moments except that dying sounds pretty good by now. :)
My midwife and nurse kept encouraging me. With each push, I felt more and more tired. At one point between contractions, I looked over at Brian and saw that he didn't look so good. I asked him how he was, and my nurse and midwife were shocked. Never, they said, do they see the laboring woman ask how her husband is doing! The nurse offered to get Brian juice to perk him up, and after that, we all got back to work.
After things had gotten so intense, I had one long break between contractions. My midwife told me my body knew it needed a rest. I knew that this next contraction would be the one that brought me my baby. During that break God gave me, and the longer pause, I gathered all my strength, both mentally and physically. I warned all three people with me as it started, "It's beginning again!" I dug deep within myself and gathered whatever strength I had left, for the love of my daughter in not using drugs, and I cried out to God, out loud, and asked for His help. Then, the worst pain of all came, and with it, came the most beautiful girl and long-awaited treasure in my life.
Brian was much different with this third delivery. Previously, he stayed right by my head and didn't dare look anywhere else. This time, he decided, "Go big or go home." He helped catch our baby along with my midwife, and he passed her to me. As this slippery, new life was placed on my stomach, I was in awe. She was face down, but I saw dark hair, and I could tell she was smaller than my boys. As I flipped her over and tried to look at her face, I was aware of everyone in the room looking at me and waiting to see what I would do. I felt suddenly self-conscious, like I had to say something profound and spellbinding. "Forget that!" I said to myself, and I pushed thoughts of everyone out as I gazed at my daughter.
"I love you," I told her. "And I've waited for you for years. I always knew you were supposed to come. God told me a long time ago that I'd have you." I gave her tiny kisses on her forehead. And I just stared at her, getting to know my beautiful princess-girl. Brian's and mine- our very own Anna Lynn.
Later, my midwife told me she and the nurses were all standing there with watery eyes as they listened to me. I was humbled that I could even bring forth tears from people who witness this on a regular basis in their daily lives!
Brian helped cut the umbilical cord (like I said, "Go big or go home"). I held my daughter for a long time. The hospital staff was great this third time around about not rushing for vitals and whatnot. I just held her. And then I nursed her. I had her probably about an hour before they weighed her. I loved every second of holding my great prize.
It took me so long just to sit down and write this blog post as I attempt to get used to life as it is now. I couldn't do it at once, and it took me over a week as I grabbed a minute or two here and there. Our sweet Anna is such a joy, and we absolutely delight in her. Caleb comments all the time how pretty she is. He is enthralled. Silas laughs when she cries and he thinks it is funny; other than that he doesn't show too much interest in her. Thankfully, he isn't jealous!
Here are some photos of the early days, and Anna was under the ultraviolet lights on her second day of life, which was Valentine's Day, to bring down her antibodies and prevent jaundice. I couldn't even hold her except to nurse her.
