Joy....Unfathomable!

Surprise!  We are having another baby girl, due in January!

This past May, the day after Mother's Day, in fact, I took a pregnancy test and got a positive result for the fifth time.  Last November, I suffered a miscarriage, and we are beyond grateful for our rainbow baby!

So...how did we end up here, on the brink of having our fourth child?  Sometimes I scratch my head and wonder the very same thing.  If you don't mind indulging me with your listening ear, I don't mind sharing our story.

Once upon a time, before I was married, I thought three kids sounded right.  I come from three, so without giving it much too much thought, or consulting God on the matter (not that I needed to in my single state quite yet), three seemed good to me.  When Brian and I got married, a bit on the later side, I thought I needed to whittle that down to two.  I believed the great lie that women can't have babies after 35.  Boy, have I learned otherwise.

In fact, when we bought this house, we knew it was small, but we figured we'd have two kids, and so it would work for us.  And we did have two kids, two boys, in fact.  

I won't go through Anna's birth and reiterate how she came to be simply because it is already on this blog, but suffice it to say that God told me she'd be born ten years before her birth.   We thought we were done when we had Silas, due to various obstacles in our lives, such as my seizures and autism, but God had other plans.  So when I was pregnant with her, I "knew" she was my last.  

I wrote about savoring my pregnancy with her, since she was my "last".  Little did I know what God had in store for us.  Let's fast forward to five weeks postpartum.  I was at my check up, seeing my midwife for the last time to close out that pregnancy, and she asked me if I was done having children or if I wanted another.  I said, "I think I have to be done," considering my age at the time.  She stopped me right there, and said, "No, if you want another, you can have one.  You are healthy."  I couldn't believe I had received such unsolicited (but not unwanted) encouragement regarding having another, when my mind clearly thought this was it.  Of course, only five weeks postpartum, I was pretty busy with Anna, so I didn't think much of it.  But, there was a small part of me that said, "What IF this is God speaking to me?"  So I tucked this bit of news away, to revisit it at a time I was ready to deal with it.  Over the months that followed Anna's birth, I felt God nudge my heart that we would have another girl, and He even confirmed her name.

One year after Anna was born, I had foot surgery, and I was off my feet for about two months, which was great torture and suffering, and it wreaked havoc on our entire household.  Suffice it to say, I was not thinking about having another baby.  Once I got walking again, gaining strength, and starting to feel somewhat like my old self, I began to earnestly put the matter to prayer.  "God, was that You, speaking to me through my midwife?"  Obviously, I was older, risks were higher, and it all seemed so scary.  I began to research other Christian women who had babies in their 40's, and I was greatly encouraged.  I read about women who decided to let God take the reins on their fertility.

Even as Christians, we are taught to plan out our children based on income, the size of our home, whether or not we can "handle" more, or what have you.  We decide what sounds good to us.  Reading about these women, I saw incredible faith to allow God to decide the number of children they have.  I could say so much more about this, but I will keep it brief for now.  I decided, along with these ladies, I could not go wrong if I put God in charge of the matter.  He would decide, not me.  I wasn't demanding anything from God.  In fact, if He didn't want us to have another, then I didn't either.  I wanted what He wanted for us as a family.  Brian was on board with all of this.

When I had my yearly appointment with my midwife (which happened to be on my birthday), again, I got nothing but encouragement.  In fact, she clapped and hugged me when I said we were going to try for another.  I went home, told Brian, and we were both excited.  

The next month, I had another foot surgery to remove the hardware, and boy was I glad to see that go.  My body clearly does not like screws.  The month after that, we conceived our next baby, and we discovered we were pregnant the day after Brian's birthday.  

We didn't get to keep this little one.  My heart broke into a thousand pieces, and in the moment when it was confirmed that this baby was dying within me, I cried out to Brian, "Why did I open myself up to this?"  The pain was so raw, so real, and so awful.  I knew that being older had its risks, and I opened myself up to it.  I already wrote about my miscarriage on this blog, so I won't repeat myself.  But I learned.  I learned so much.  I learned that God was in control the whole time, and that little precious soul was just as much a part of His plan as every other living human being.  I followed His leading, and I have no regrets.  He IS to be trusted, even in the hardest of times.

After the miscarriage, the great question awaited us.  Do we try again?  I had no desire to experience another miscarriage, but I did desire to follow God.  And I could not shake the feeling that another little girl was supposed to join our family, that Anna was going to be a big sister.  But of course, I was scared.  After we lost our baby, we decided to let God decide, once again.  It wasn't easy letting go and letting Him be in charge.  It would have been easier to close myself off to the idea and not risk heartache and loss once again.  But, we want to have no regrets.  God would decide, not us.

This past April, we conceived our little girl, and finding out I was pregnant the day after Mother's Day was the best belated gift I could have ever received.  Of course, hearing this news was also hard.  I was not over the loss of our previous baby, and I was terrified I would lose this one too.  In fact, I thought I was very early on, and an ultrasound at about six weeks revealed a tiny heartbeat and everything looking good for that week.  So did my eight week ultrasound, and my twenty week as well.

That twenty week ultrasound was remarkable, one simple reason being we had the same technician who was with us for the baby we lost.  Now we were with her again, and she got to share in our joy instead of our sorrow this time!  Brian and the kids were there, and we were dying to know the gender.  Of course, we have one girl, so we didn't feel it was as dire to have another girl as it did when we were pregnant with Anna.  However, we did want another girl.  We loved the idea of two and two.  We loved the idea of giving Anna a little sister.  Not to mention, we now have a pink stroller, car seat, and all pink clothes to pass down.  And we had a very special name we wanted to use and not go to waste.

We were excited and nervous to find out, but it really should have been no surprise.  God is no liar.  He told me back when Anna was an infant we would be having another girl, and there she was.  And here she is, kicking me as I write.

If we make these decisions based on our own wisdom, we wouldn't have considered another child.  Gosh, the expense of four children is enough to make one run away.  We need a minivan.  We need a new house, have needed a new house since we had Anna.  (She sleeps in our room- enough said.)  We have autism.  But if we didn't decide to let God to provide for us, provide for our every need, we would have said no to another beautiful life that God wanted to be here.  All of these minor inconveniences are not more important than our baby girl.  The choice is simple.  We choose her.  

So that's our story.  I pray it encourages someone else out there, who may be teetering, who just can't decide.  If you look up women having babies in their 40's online, all you will find is gloom and doom.  I actually found a few hopeful things, while sifting through the junk, and I am so glad I did.  I asked God, I told Him I needed to hear from Him, and He answered me.  God did make women's bodies to bear children until they can't anymore, despite the risks being higher in the 40's. God is the author of life; I am not.  It is an honor to bear a child, one I am proud to do, and I do not take for granted, especially after our loss.

In regards to our last baby, I still love him or her.  I often think about them.  They would have been born in June.  And I realized that this baby girl I am pregnant with now, would never have been conceived if I had not lost my other baby.  Joy and sorrow, mingled together.  That is often how they go.  It reminds me of a hymn by Isaac Watts.  All I want is to be faithful to my Lord.  He put the thought in my head, He led me, and I was not going to swat His hand away.  His love is so amazing, it demands my all!

1. 
   
2. When I survey the wondrous cross
   On which the Prince of glory died,
   My richest gain I count but loss,
   And pour contempt on all my pride.
3. Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
   Save in the death of Christ my God!
   All the vain things that charm me most,
   I sacrifice them to His blood.
4. See from His head, His hands, His feet,
   Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
   Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
   Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
5. Were the whole realm of nature mine,
   That were a present far too small;
   Love so amazing, so divine,
   Demands my soul, my life, my all.

Happy Birthday, Anna-Girl!! 2 Years

Two years ago, a tiny baby girl fulfilled one of our deepest wishes and longings.  God spoke to me ten years before she was born that I would have her, and though for a while it didn't look like it was going to happen, Brian and I never forgot that promise.

Now that she's here, boy do we love watching her grow!  She is blooming and blossoming like a spring flower, but she'll always be our pink snowflake.  She's our winter baby, born the day before Valentine's Day, and the day before the coldest day of the season in 2020.

Lots more to say, and more to update!  Plenty to say about our little girl!  Stay tuned...

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Our sweet Anna Lynn is such a joy!  I'm not quite sure where to begin, so I'll just dive right in.  

How we love every day with our Anna!  The only bad thing about watching her grow, is that we are slowly losing the baby days.  And while I hate that, I also look forward to the wonderful years ahead with her.  I pray that we will have a great mother-daughter relationship.  I have a beautiful example.  My mother, always sweet and gentle, raised me with the best kind of motherly love.  She never put me down, or gave me some high standard I had to try to live up to.  She encouraged me, led me to Jesus, and she let me go when I needed to find my wings, even though it broke her heart to do so.  

I always want to keep how my mom mothered me in mind.  One of the reasons I am so glad Anna is here is so that the love between me and my mom can continue to a new generation with me and Anna.  (My sister has two lovely daughters, and my sister is very close to my mom, too.)

But back to Anna.  She is so smart!  She is saying new words all the time.  She points things out constantly.  Anna can identify some letters of the alphabet, sort of at random.  Give us two or three more months, and we will get them all down.  I heard her count to five the other day, but she knows other numbers too.  

Daddy's girl stands at the gate, waving goodbye to him in the morning, saying "Bye-bye.  Love you."  Daddy can do nothing less than pause and take a mental snapshot, capturing the moment in his mind to remember all his life.  She loves big brother Caleb, and when I open the door to the boys' room in the morning, she runs over to Caleb's bed and gives him a morning hug.  She does try to hug Silas, too, but it is a little harder there, since he doesn't reciprocate too much.

She loves to dance!!!  Be still, my heart! There is a little play piano book in the boys' room, and she always presses the same song "Itsy Bitsy Spider", that has the song go a little fast, and she spins around and around.  Oh, my goodness!  Cue the cuteness!  Love!  I just have to stop what I am doing and watch her.

Anna likes her version of dress-up, which isn't yet tiaras and feather boas, but it could be a hat or even a blanket wrapped around her.  She is so funny because she goes to either find a mirror or glass so she can see herself.  She likes shoes, and there's a girl after my own heart right there.

She is definitely mimicking me in different ways.  In the kitchen, she will take a spatula and reach up to the stove and pretend to flip something.  She may find the remote control and hold it up to her ear and say "hello".  She likes to stir empty cups with spoons.  

Anna loves music, and she enjoys playing our little xylophone, and her new toy guitar we got her for her birthday.  Whatever instrument she chooses to play, she has an excellent teacher right here in our home, free of charge.  (Hint:  It is NOT me.)

She loves stuffed animals.  She is not fully into dolls yet, but one she prefers over others.  And she is starting to pretend feed her stuffed animals with her new tea set.

Our girl has a compassionate heart, and I really think she has the gift of empathy.  If I show any sign of upset, she reaches out her arms and gives me a hug.  Boy, God knew I needed this girl!

Anna is definitely a book lover, and she loves to look and look through books.  Sometimes I can read them, and sometimes I can't, because she might be moving through the pages too quickly for me.  But it is a joy to watch her be enthralled with a book.

I have to say, after I had my miscarriage, and even before when we knew it was coming, Anna was a sweet comfort in her own way.  Holding her, snuggling with her, and kissing her sweet cheeks was one of the biggest balms to my hurting heart.  I couldn't hold my baby I was losing, but I could hold her.  I am just sorry she won't get to be a big sister, because I think she would have been a great one.

And for the record, this girl is seriously difficult to get good pictures of.  Every time she sees me taking her picture, she wants to be on my side and taking it with me, so it ruins the picture I was trying to get!  

This picture was on Valentine's Day, playing with her new tea set and feeding her puppy.

Also on Valentine's Day, we are getting ready to head to her well-visit.  She looks miserable, but she really isn't.  She was very cooperative in getting all bundled up!  Her face is just too cute, though!

"'Tis Better To Have Loved and Lost Than Never To Have Loved At All"

I've been thinking about our miscarriage and still processing it.  While the fresh grief is gone, I still think about our baby, many times throughout the day.  It can be a brief, passing thought going about the day, and taking care of my kids, or it can be a more in-depth analysis.  

I like to think I am the mother of four, though it is true in one sense and not true in another.  I have three flesh and blood children to care for, but I have another child in heaven.  A child who was formed in my womb, put together by God.  God chose me and my vessel to house that little one for the short time they were there.  For that, I am honored.

In the first raw moments of grief and heartache, of course I wished this whole horrible experience away.  I wished it never happened.  I wished I hadn't gotten pregnant and that I could rewind the clock entirely.

As Scripture and truth have been applied to my wound like a balm, I see things differently now.  Now, I would not wish it all away.  I would not change getting pregnant.  Of course, if I had the power to keep my baby with me, of course I would do that.  But I do feel, as Alfred Lord Tennyson said, that "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".  God has another soul in His kingdom.  That is not such a bad thing!  God created this baby for His purpose- also not a bad thing!  While I long for my little one, I am still glad that they exist in heaven, rather than not exist at all.

As I said in my last post, my loss is loss here and now.  But one day, it will be my gain.  I will enjoy, one day, meeting my beautiful child I will be waiting the whole rest of my life to see.  There is nothing bad about that.

I am including here a poem written by Bob Neudorf, which I found included in Erwin Lutzer's book entitled, "One Minute After You Die".  Anyone who has suffered through a miscarriage can relate completely.  

"Is it proper to cry

For a baby too small

For a coffin?

Yes, I think it is.

Does Jesus have

My too-small baby

In His tender arms?

Yes, I think He does.

There is so much I do not know

About you--my child--

He, she?  quiet or restless?

Will I recognize

Someone I knew so little about,

Yet loved so much?

Yes, I think I will.

Ah, sweet, small child

Can I say

That loving you is like loving God?

Loving-- yet not seeing,

Holding-- yet not touching,

Caressing-- yet separated by the chasm of time.

No tombstone marks your sojourn,

And only God recorded your name.

The banquet was not canceled,

Just moved.  Just moved.

Yet a tear remains

Where baby should have been.

Our Baby In Heaven, We Love You

 

Some of you may know, or not know, that we had a miscarriage last month, on November 6.  It is a hard thing to "announce" and bring up in ordinary conversation.  So sometimes it gets left unsaid.

We found out we were pregnant the day after Brian's birthday, on October 4.  We were excited and nervous, and of course, wondering how in the world we would handle it all.  Our house is already too small, and has been ever since our little Anna came into our world.  However, no matter what, this baby was always loved and wanted.  

Looking back, I can see that I perhaps felt differently about this pregnancy, as if I knew something wasn't right.  I wouldn't have been able to acknowledge that going through it, but in hindsight, something felt off.  Brian said he felt the same way.  Perhaps it was the Lord's way of preparing us, though I still felt unprepared for the sorrow we faced.

Since I am not 25 or even 35, I knew pregnancy at my age is risky.  Knowing that, I decided to have my hCG levels tested.  Those numbers are supposed to at least double every two or three days.  If they do not, it is a big warning sign that something might be wrong with the pregnancy.  When my numbers only rose by a few thousand, but no where near double, it was suggested that I come in for an ultrasound.

At 7 weeks, we got to see our tiny little baby.  Their heart was beating, but the rate was on the lower side, at 100 BPM.  Its size was measuring about 5 days behind.  I also had a clot in my uterus near the baby, which wasn't necessarily a problem, but could be.  I was told to come back in one week.

I did whatever I could that week to help my baby, not that there is really much anyone can do.  I ate more, willing my baby to grow.  I drank nettle tea two times a day, a wonderful tea for development of the fetus.  I prayed.  We asked our church to pray.  I really believed God would turn this situation around.

We arrived for the second ultrasound, and that experience itself was pretty bad, considering the doctor wasn't there to talk with us afterward, and we had to go home guessing the bad news but not knowing for sure.  Our baby's heart rate, though still there, had slowed so much it could not be counted.  And our precious little love had shrunk in size.

This was told to me over the phone, since we had made the 45-minute drive by the time the doctor was able to call me.  I was told to prepare for a miscarriage.  My options were surgery (a D and C), or take drugs to speed it up and do it at home (after another ultrasound to confirm death of baby), or wait for it all to happen on its own.

I could barely get off the phone with the doctor without my voice cracking and falling apart, and into my husband's arms I collapsed.  I sobbed.  Oh, the grief was great!  He held me and whispered words of comfort, but I just saw our baby slipping away from me.  No!  This cannot be happening!  We want this baby!  All the babies that are aborted every single day, and this baby is wanted!  LOVED!  No, I don't want to let them go!  I don't want to feel this pain!

I knew I didn't want to have the surgery.  I didn't want the drugs either.  In fact, I canceled the next ultrasound they had scheduled for me.  I had no wish to see my lifeless baby on the screen.  The doctor had said it could take up to a month for the miscarriage to take place.  So, I tried to get prepared mentally for the physical stuff, whenever it would happen.  I wondered how I could handle it at home if Brian was at work, trying to deal with that and take care of the kids.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long.  One week and a day later, I began to have cramps after breakfast, at about 7:30.  It was a Saturday, but Brian had to go for a grocery pickup, and for reasons that don't need to be explained here, we choose to go to a town several towns away.  It was already ordered, and he needed to go.  He planned to call me every so often to check in on me.  

The cramps steadily got worse.  I didn't know how soon it would happen, but I knew my body was getting ready.  I had looked up as much info on miscarriage as I could find, but still all my questions were not answered.  I knew I just had to walk this road and find out myself.  I prepared lunch early for the kids, trying to get that done as the cramps grew stronger.  I was starting to double over at times, and I pulled up a song by Natalie Grant, called "Held".  It is about a mother losing a 2-month old, and really, it is about suffering and loss for anyone.  I played it on the computer, or my phone, I don't remember which, and with tears streaming down my face, and my cramps building up in my abdomen, I got the boys' food on the table.  

Anna was waiting to nurse, so I was just trying to take care of everyone in order that I could take care of myself when the moment came.  I sat down with her, and as she nursed, I felt a ceasing of the cramps very suddenly, and something like a pop in my abdomen.  Is this it, I wondered?  When she was done, I felt like the time had come, and the first of many, many trips to the bathroom began.  It was just before 10:30.

Brian called just after the miscarriage, and I let him know it happened, and off he sped down the road, trying to get to me as soon as possible.  The physical stuff takes a while, and several hours later, I was about ready to throw up and pass out.  

In the song "Held" it talks about the sacred being "torn" from your life.  It is exactly how a miscarriage feels.  I cannot say it any better.  That baby is being ripped away from your very person.  I wanted them, loved them, and there was nothing I could do to keep them with me.  

I don't mean to be melodramatic.  I am certainly not the first woman to miscarry, nor will I be the last.  And losing a living child would be a far worse pain than what I have experienced.  Still, it is something to mourn.  It is a loss.  We must take that time to grieve and let go.  

Each time I think I am over it, and my eyes will cease watering up once and for all, it sneaks up on me again.  I think of the soft cheeks I long to kiss, and the blue eyes I never got to gaze upon.  (We are all blue here, so I am sure this one would be the same.)  To not know if they were a boy or a girl.  I think of Anna who doesn't get to be a big sister.  There is a great chasm between me and my baby, and I can't get to them, no matter how much I wish to.

And yet, God speaks.  God comforts.  I know where my baby is.  My baby is in heaven, full of joy and at peace.  I don't say it merely because I wish it.  I say this with certainty.  I know my God.  I know my Jesus takes babies in His arms, who are too little to reject Him, too little to make those big decisions of eternity and salvation.

My loss here on Earth will one day be my GAIN.  One day, after I meet Jesus, I believe He will show me what I will be waiting my whole life to see, my little one at long last.  This sorrow will not last forever.  

It won't matter if they died in my womb or lived 100 years.  They are spending eternity in heaven.  And that is ETERNITY!  I will get to be with them, forever.  Without a shadow of a doubt, my faith is in Jesus.  I am a sinner in desperate need of His salvation.  I am covered in His blood.  By His wounds, I am healed.

I have prayed and asked God that He could let our baby know that they were loved.  They were always wanted.  I read a book by Pastor Erwin Lutzer, coincidentally after I prayed this earnest prayer, and he believes God can honor those types of prayers.  I hope He does.  

My friend Amanda sent me the above ornament.  It was the first ornament I put on the tree this year, and I am thankful for the beautiful reminder of our unborn, but never unloved, precious baby.

While I don't relish this experience, I am thankful that it at least helps me understand other women going through a miscarriage, and I hope and pray God will use me to bring comfort to someone hurting.  I don't know that I will ever "get over it".  I think there will always be a hole in my heart, but I have the hope of seeing them one day.  One glorious day!

Below are the lyrics to "Held" by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Nichole Wells, which truly helped to "hold" me during this time.  Truly, Jesus does hold us in all our of sorrows, when we reach the very end of ourselves.

To my precious baby I never got to hold:  Your Daddy and I love you more than words can say.  Looking forward to heaven now has new meaning for me, since you are there.  God created you in my womb.  Psalm 139 says He knit you together.  You, my darling baby, though you were so tiny, and didn't get to live long on Earth, you have an eternal soul.  Your life, though short, has significant value.  You will always mean something to me, every day of my life.  I never will stop loving you. Love, Mama

Two months is too little 
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live
It's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We wanna taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held
Yeah, ooh be held, oh

This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell, we'd be held

This is what it means to be held.

Happy Anniversary: Ten Years

One decade down!  How many more to go?  Brian is hoping for at least four!  Let's see how long we live, or if Jesus comes first!

While shopping for Brian's gift on Etsy, I came across this hysterical Trump card.  I couldn't resist getting it as a gag gift!

Our traditional gift theme this year was tin, so I found this adorable tin cup for Brian which has a double meaning with "Happy Campers".  Together, we are happy campers in marriage, but Brian also has dreams of renting an RV in the summers and traveling across states as a family.  So this cup represents what we are, and what we will be.  Brian loved it!

For me, Brian bought a tin heart for keeping jewelry.

Marriage isn't a fairy tale.  It is hard work!  It takes much letting go of our own wants and desires and putting our spouse first.  Sometimes, we buck against the very idea!  When I had foot surgery in February, it was a hard time on us all.  I was completely down and out.  Brian had to step up and take care of the kids and do all my normal chores besides.  He even had to take care of me!  I couldn't even get into the shower without his help.  I joked with him then, if only our vows had included, "Brian, do you take Courtney, in foot surgery, and out of foot surgery?"  I felt so embarrassed to be reduced to a lump on the couch, and while I was grateful I could still take care of Anna to some degree (change diapers/clothing and nurse), and I could chop veggies and mix things if Brian brought them to me, it was so far from my usual workhorse self.  And yet, perhaps it wasn't a time wasted at all.  God taught Brian how to step it up, and He taught me how to appreciate my home in a far different way, even when things were quite out of control.  And while I was embarrassed to be reduced to what I was, for a time, I know I was SAFE with Brian.  He would love the weak Courtney, just as much as the strong.  For that, I am grateful.

Brian didn't picture those weeks of me being disabled, I am sure, when he was waiting for his bride to come gliding down the aisle.  And yet, his love and commitment to me kept him by my side, taking care of us all, even when it was far out of his comfort zone.

We are grateful that we have made it ten years.  God has brought us three beautiful children, which was one more than we thought we'd have!  Sure, we are bursting out of this house, but we are here, together.  

Please excuse my dorky selfie.  Really, in general I'm not much for selfies, unless one of the kids is in there with me.  Every year, I put on my wedding bracelet, earrings, and headband that I wore as a bride on my anniversary.  It is my way to connect with that day, and to feel a bit like a bride again, on a much smaller scale.  I mean, really, why wear those things only once?  And Anna noticed right away, wanting to play with them all, proving what a little princess she already is.

Happy Birthday, Silas! Six Years

Well, today was our Silas's birthday, and I like to continue my tradition of writing a brief blurb here on the old blog.  But today I had my second round of foot surgery to remove unwanted and unmissed hardware (Adios!), and I'm not up for too much other than resting and elevating.  And if you knew the state of our laptop, you'd know that there is no battery reserve, so that makes sitting with the computer impossible when not near an outlet.

So, I'll be back!  We love our Silas, even though the days are hard, we keep looking UP when we are feeling nothing but down.  God knows and loves Him, through and through.

More to come!

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I didn't intend to get foot surgery the day of Silas's birthday.  Actually, I didn't intend to get a second foot surgery this year.  After the long and difficult recovery from my first foot surgery back in February, I didn't want to go anywhere near the operating room.

After fifteen sessions of physical therapy back in May/June, my foot did improve somewhat, but I still didn't get the healing I was looking for.  I still walked with a limp, and I was still in more pain than I had been experiencing before my surgery in February.  This surgery was supposed to make me feel like I had a new foot!  The doctor suggested removing the screws, plates, and staple in my foot.  For some people, their bodies simply don't respond well to the hardware, and it causes them pain.  The hardware had done its job, and could be removed.

Still, I thought I would put the surgery off until next year.  Even though it was an easier surgery, I worked so hard to get back on my feet and I just didn't want to go under the knife again.  Then, it seems just as I made the decision to wait until next year, I swiftly changed my mind.  I particularly didn't like one staple, that you could both see and feel sticking slightly from my toe, and I just wanted to be done with it all and put this chapter of my life behind me.  So, I scurried back to the doctor as quickly as my feet would take me, and signed the consents for the hardware removal surgery.  That was July 22nd, the day before my birthday. 

I had no idea they'd get me in so quickly!  When the nurse called to say they could get me on the schedule for August 10, Silas's birthday, I felt badly about taking anything away from his day, but I decided to go for it.  Brian is off in the summer, and it would give me some time to heal before he headed back to work.  So I spent the two weeks making a few trips to the stores and taking care of things around the house.

And of course, I got everything ready for Silas's birthday ahead of time.

The surgery center is about an hour and forty minutes from our house, and I needed to be there at 7.  So we woke the kids up early, and left our house at 5:15.  Not fun.  The kids were real troopers, and after having done this in February, it was far easier this time around.  A)  The weather was warmer, and Brian could take the kids to a nearby park while I was in surgery and B)  This surgery was only about an hour (not counting pre-surgery and post-surgery times), while my other surgery was about five hours.  After Brian took the kids to the park, they only had to wait in the car for me about fifteen minutes, which was a major improvement compared to the hours and hours they spent in the car this past winter waiting for me.  (My original ride got COVID last minute back in February, so Brian had no choice but to take me along with the kids.)  

We had balloons for Silas in the car, since he loves balloons, and a trip to the park is a great way to celebrate his birthday, so I didn't have to feel too badly about him being stuck accompanying me to my surgery.  We got home just after noon (as opposed to after 5 my first surgery), and I had to fight off the sedation for the next few hours.  I was so tired!  Brian went down to Dunkin to get me an iced coffee, and it perked me up.  I didn't want to be half asleep through Silas's presents and cupcakes.  It did the trick, and I was able to enjoy Silas's birthday and serve his cupcakes and play with his presents.  I was happy to still be walking, which was a real treat after being off my feet for about 8 weeks after my first surgery.  (Also, I should mention the doctor decided to leave one screw in my foot, as he thought I would still need it for stability.)

We love our Silas, and while things are still hard in our lives right now, we pray for him every day, and we try to cheer him on and build him up as much as we can.  I don't know why he has to suffer like this.  I don't know why we have to suffer like this.  Because make no mistake, it is suffering.  But I know our God can be trusted.  I know He has a plan for our lives, and what's more, those who trust in Jesus have eternal life with Him.  I know this life is but a vapor, and even if Silas is not healed in this life (which we pray he will be), he will be completely whole in heaven.  

Silas is a little guy who likes things in order, and he is forever picking up things in the house and moving them back to their original places if they were moved.  This can be a blessing and a curse for us all.  He likes to sing, and he has many songs memorized from the Cedarmont Kids videos we have.  He's got a bunch of stuffed animals and toys he simply must bring to bed, and it is a wonder he gets any sleep at all with all that stuff in his bed!

When he smiles, you stop whatever you are doing and smile right back.  Nothing makes me happier than to see him happy!  

We have big dreams for him, because we serve a big God.  We love him, and though our lives might revolve around meltdowns, he is still ours.  He is loved by an all-powerful, holy, loving God, and that God knows him through and through.  His life has just as much importance as yours or mine.  

Here's our guy as he is about to eat his cupcake!  This guy has no sweets at all.  We are on a strict diet with him, and I sweetened his cupcakes with xylitol, which isn't a true sugar.  Let's just say he was well aware of the treat he was having, and he savored every bite!

Here are some pics of the kids on the deck this past week!

So, this was really a 9, because the store was out of a 6.  Shhh, it is our secret, okay?

Happy Birthday, Caleb! Eight Years

Before we get to the topic at hand, let me just say that I had foot surgery this past February, and I had no idea that I would basically be signing my life away.  I only just started walking last week, without crutches or a walker.  (I ended up using a walker after 6 weeks on the crutches, when the crutches finally killed my ribs.)  It's been a long journey, I've been very discouraged at times, and I'm still not completely out the other side.  I am walking, but it hurts badly at times, and I have weeks of physical therapy ahead of me.  

But enough about that.  It was Caleb's birthday today!

Caleb has had a good year!  He's learning so much in homeschool and he's doing great with reading!  He loves to draw, especially the Veggie Tales characters.  He's a good big brother to Anna, and he has fun playing with her.  Caleb was a big help to his poor mama, when I was stuck on the couch for so long, and he became my fetcher on a regular basis.

I don't know what his brain is made of, but he has got a quite a head for geography.  He knows the exits on the interstate better than we do and what place is at which number.  Whenever Brian or I go out, Caleb wants to know exactly where.  If he doesn't know the place, he will question us as to where the place is located.  I have no doubt that one day soon he will be better than I am with directions.  He knows where all the states are.  He's really sharp in this area, and I can't wait to see what he'll do with it!

He, like any kid, loves to eat, and after almost every meal, he thanks me for it and says it was very good!  The little guy knows how to melt his mama's heart!  He's really a good eater, and like any of us, has one or two things he doesn't like, but overall he is easy to please!

Caleb loves to go grocery shopping with me, or at least, he did when I used to go!  I still don't have the strength to go shopping yet with my foot.  I am looking forward to going with him again, because it was "our thing" we did together!  I miss it!

This past January, Caleb accepted Jesus into his heart!  I was so privileged and honored to lead Him in a prayer.  

Time is flying by so quickly, and in only ten years, our boy could very well be leaving home.  I've got to make these years count as much as I can, and not waste the precious hours God gives me with my children.

Here's Caleb early in the morning on his birthday, wearing a new outfit I got him.  I picked the planet shirt since we studied the planets in science.

Caleb was reading aloud to us the card we gave him.

I made cupcakes with xylitol this year, since Silas has Candida in his gut and cannot eat sugar (even the "good" ones, such as honey).  Xylitol doesn't feed the Candida like sugars do, but it is expensive, and so I only will use it about three times a year.

Here is our big 8 year old!  Getting these balloons has become a fun tradition in our house!

We got Caleb a new backpack, and he loves it!

We also got Caleb a scooter, and I think that is his favorite present.  He also got a fun flying helicopter, and more books to read.  It was a great day!