I need to pause, for myself more than anyone else, and look at what this past year has been. I have officially been unemployed for one year, by reasons of choice as well as practicality. Those last few days at my job were a blessing, but they also were mixed with a bit of heartache as I said goodbye to dear colleagues and precious students alike.
As much as I enjoy being an old-fashioned housewife, there are days I miss teaching. It is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet, so I don't desire to ever endure all that it encompasses (except for homeschooling our future children), but there are moments when I wish I could have bits and pieces of it to experience again. I miss running across the hall to my friend Anita's classroom to share whatever was on my mind and heart. I miss Makayla saying "thank you" to me at the end of every lesson. I miss sharing my passion for the written word to young minds, whether fully absorbent or not.
It was difficult leaving my teaching ministry of five years. I finished on a Friday, and the next day I went to PA to visit Brian. I remember being emotional after saying goodbye to so many dear people, and I think I needed to head to PA then, my future home, so I could learn to let go. Brian had bought me flowers, knowing it was difficult for me to say goodbye.
That was just my job. Leaving my family was hardest of all. I had left home before. I even lived in another country temporarily... but I always came back. That's where it was vastly different than leaving all the times before. After that point, I would forever return as a visitor. While visitor is not the same as outsider, there are times I do feel that with my family- not deliberately on anyone's part, but it is inevitable to always miss something important, whether big or small. In the quiet corners of my heart, there is some weeping still. I miss my dear nieces and nephews, who are beginning to look older to me. Because I see them every few months, I notice the changes far more than my regular visits, which used to be several times a week. I miss the giggles of my nieces and their sweet hugs. I miss my wonderful mom whom I know like the back of my hand. I miss dragging her out with me to the Christmas Tree Shoppes or Kohl's even after she complained she was too tired to go anywhere.
Life is a beautiful journey, a tapestry of events, both happy and sad, woven together to make a beautiful piece of art worth framing. Many times, joy and pain go together. When I had the sadness of leaving home, I had the joy of becoming a wife, a joy that does outweigh the pain of the things I've had to let go. That too, is a journey. Letting go wasn't done all at once, but it is something I still must do.
My life has transitioned so much in the past year. Single to married, living in NJ to living in PA, working as a teacher to now working as a housewife. I've had to learn more about myself this year as the former has been stripped away. Instead of serving seventy-five or so middle and high schoolers, I serve my husband. The days are lonely, sometimes. Once used to seeing many people during the course of the day, I am now mostly by myself. But I have found that the silence is useful, meaningful, and profound. This year, I've had to rely on God more than ever, and in the stillness, I've learned more both about Him and myself.
Just as I've had to learn my way around this tri-state area where I now live, I've had to find my way around my new life. It's been an adjustment, one that has not always been easy, but has definitely been worth it. I am blessed beyond measure, and while I look forward to the day that I no longer feel like I'm still in a transition, I do appreciate the journey, because it is there that God shapes me the most. The end result isn't nearly as important.
