First, let me get this topic out of the way. Silas still is a lousy sleeper. And you know what? I have decided to accept it at last. There is no use fighting it. I have tried all without fail. CIO (cry-it-out)- check, change bedtime- check, pray without ceasing- check. I have come to the conclusion that it is going to be this way for a while. Silas is so inconsistent. He has a good few days or a week or so where he sleeps til 3:30/4, then, he is waking up all various times. Naps are still horrible. I am trying to transition him to one nap, and it is still usually a half hour only. (Caleb takes a longer nap than Silas!) Every morning, when Silas wakes up at 3:30 or 4, I go to him, and nurse/sleep with him for another hour or so, until he is up for good. I have tried not going to him, to try to "kill" the association, so to speak. Nope, doesn't work. He will just scream his head off and there is no peace for me in that. Brian can sleep through it, but I can't. It is easier for me to stumble to his (really, our) room, and lay down with him.
So, this is the way it is. And I have decided to accept it instead of fight it any more. It has made me far less bitter this way.
It appears that Silas will have a speech delay like Caleb. He has not yet made any clear sounds at 15 months old. He did say "ma ma" when he was younger, but he stopped.
He still will not do any kind of self-feeding, at all, nor will he drink out of a cup. I am his water bottle, if you will. To say that I am dehydrated is an understatement. He nurses for 1) comfort 2) food. Although I think he does more of #1 than #2. I try to fight him off, but you try fighting off a toddler hanging onto your knees in the kitchen so that you are held prisoner, unable to move. I love nursing; it is one of the most beautiful things in this whole world. However, I wouldn't mind if Silas cut back just a wee bit. Mama can barely breathe sometimes. And did I mention I am dehydrated?
He is also behind on eating solids. He gags easily, and I have had to move very slowly with him, and he is way behind what Caleb was eating at this age. I rely on pureed foods much more than I'd like, but Silas's occupational therapist is encouraging me in this.
But, but... Silas is smart. He is acknowledging things more and more. For example, each morning after story time with the boys, I sing the "Days of the Week" song, and point out the days on a chart on the fridge. I start by asking "What day is today?" Silas began walking to the fridge before I did. Then, just yesterday he starting pointing with his finger to the chart. There are more examples, like when I started reciting from memory one of our books during his diaper change and he immediately grabbed that book after we were done.
Caleb still struggles with his speech delay, however, he is saying more all the time. Sometimes, I am surprised by the things he says. He is way behind with his fine motor skills. Thank the Lord he feeds himself much more easily than he used to, but he has no interest in using crayons and markers beyond two seconds. He lacks any and all skill there, and quite frankly, interest. (I brought out kiddie scissors, and he merely glanced at them and walked away.) He shows little independence, for example, he won't even try to get himself dressed and he is happy with Mama doing it until the end of time.
He has an over-the-top fear of the POTTY! Don't even get me started. There is no training this boy, because his fear is that bad. It is THAT BAD! Silas's occupational therapist asked if Caleb can, ahem, "aim", and I said we are no where near that point! His fear is so bad, that when I was trying to wash Caleb's hands before dinner and Silas was following us into the bathroom, Caleb was SCREAMING, panicking that Silas would open the toilet. (Silas has never opened the toilet, so why that was a fear, I have no idea.) He only trusts me in the bathroom with him. He doesn't trust Daddy, because Daddy playfully opened the lid once in April during Caleb's bath, and now, only I can be with him at bath time. Daddy can't even relieve me for two seconds, because Caleb will scream his head off, thus waking our difficult sleeper up, which, trust me, we don't want to do. Do you see how hard this is??
Caleb is also increasingly defiant. I'm not going to go into details, because honestly, it hurts too much, so I'll leave it at that.
But, but... Caleb, like Silas, is smart. He has an excellent memory, and he can remember Daddy climbing his grandparents' tree months ago. He has soaked up so many things: the alphabet, his numbers, colors and shapes, days of the week, and we are doing spelling now. He wants to learn. He might resist at first, but after persistence, he will start to take it in.
Silas has a wonderful occupational therapist, and honestly, she has been an incredible blessing to me personally. She's been doing this for a long time, and she has SEEN IT ALL. She has declared, in very strong terms, that she doesn't believe the boys are autistic. "Thirty years ago," she said, "they would not have been diagnosed with autism." The scale, she said, has broadened over the years to include so many traits, that doctors fear lawsuits and whatnot if they are not diagnosed. There are other reasons, too, but I cannot remember the entire conversation. She said to me, "Look at them. Your boys are here with you. They are all here." I let her words pour over me like a warm fountain, and it was lovely.
She believes they have Sensory Processing Disorder, and now that I know more, I agree. As she said, "I have seen autism. Believe me. Your boys don't have it." She's right. My boys are both here. They have delays, yes. There are issues with processing in the brain that result in behavior issues (with Caleb, Silas is still a bit young), but they are here. They are not off in a corner beating a pot over and over again without paying any attention to anyone or anything.
They are here.
What hope she gave me! I talk her ear off every time she is here, and it never feels like it is enough.
Is there a cure? Obviously, some of this they will outgrow in time. Some of it will work itself out. I will not ALWAYS have to get Caleb dressed and change his diapers. I want to, in time, get both boys tested for food sensitivities, which, long story, but if someone is sensitive to a certain food and it creates yeast in the gut, the gut affects the brain. Caleb has very bad cradle cap, which is a sign of a food sensitivity. This is why I began going gluten/dairy free, but it could be more than that. This is why I want to get him tested down the road, when we are able.
I pray that my boys won't always be held back by these sensory issues. I pray that if God wants them healed, He'll open all the right doors for us and give us the information and wisdom that we need to deal with this.
But for now, I'll continue to soak up that reminder, that my boys are "all here".
My dear friend, Theresa, purchased this Willow Creek figurine for me, used, at a garage sale. She saw it, scooped it up, and gave it to me while saying, "This is how God sees you." I was misty-eyed at this figurine of a mother and her two sons. And give my boys time. They'll probably have brown hair eventually, too.
