(Please excuse the turned stocking. We are waiting to put our daughter's name on the internet world until she is born.)
Yes, we bought our daughter's stocking, even though she isn't here yet. Well, what's a mama to do, when the stockings go on sale, and what if they stopped making them next year??? Of course, I had to buy it!
We loved gazing at FIVE stockings on the shelf, and it brought such joy to our hearts. This Christmas has been an unusual one. Never before have I been this pregnant at Christmastime. (I should have volunteered to play Mary in a Christmas program.) My time had been split between getting ready for Christmas, nesting, nesting, and more nesting. All day yesterday, as we celebrated, we were very aware of the daughter kicking away inside of me. Caleb speaks of his sister and he can't wait for her arrival! We were very aware that this was our last Christmas as a family of four.
Just the other day, I went out and bought some baby clothes for our girl for the very first time! I had received some at my shower, but upon looking at what we had, I realized a few more things were needed for 0-3 months. It was one thing to receive clothes as gifts, but it was another to go shopping myself. Oh, my goodness, the choices! There are endless possibilities for little girls. It is almost overwhelming after shopping for only boys for 6 1/2 years!
As the year wraps up, I am full of emotions. Of course, we look forward to our girl's arrival. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have a million fears. We are at a difficult stage with Silas, and truth be told, there are moments I have no earthly idea how I am going to take care of a newborn with two boys who have developmental delays and behavioral issues. A newborn by themselves is fairly easy, other than the middle of the night feedings and changes. Piece of cake!!! But embarking on this next chapter of my life requires fortitude most days I doubt I possess.
I cling only to the fact that I know it is God's will for this child to be here. God had been speaking to us and knocking on the door of our hearts for quite some time, and He even used Caleb to speak to us. I have absolutely no doubt that God has a purpose for her other than to give me more work to do!
As the year ends and we put Christmas decorations away, we are turning our faces to the new year in a way we have never had to do before. January will be full of last-minute prep. I have seen two of my friends give birth three weeks early in the past year, so I have to be ready for any possibility. I have already packed baby girl's diaper bag for the hospital. I have looked over her things and carefully decided what we needed immediately, and made the purchases.
At 33 weeks, I am feeling bigger than ever, and as I cleaned the bathroom this week, it was the first time I really felt that the everyday household chores are becoming a burden almost too great to bear. I say "almost" because I won't quit. Brian will vouch for me on that. I am a beaver!
We've had a lot of disappointments this past year. In fact, the very night before I found out I was pregnant, we were at an Andrew Peterson concert. If you know Brian, you know he has followed his unique music for years, and I have to say I really appreciate the stories his songs tell as well. As we listened to him sing, there was a song about change. There was so much in our lives never changing for the better. We have prayed for a couple of years now for a new job for Brian. We want to move out of this bear-filled area and be closer to civilization. We have sought improvement for our boys both in terms of diet as well as a great deal of money spent on supplements and vitamins. As we listened to the song, I grumbled in my heart, "Why doesn't anything change in our lives?" I felt so STUCK. I wasn't even thinking about pregnancy at that moment. When I woke up the next day, I thought I might be pregnant, took a test, and our lives did change in a big way. If you had asked me, I would have wanted the new job first, a bigger house, boys improving, and then maybe a baby would fit perfectly right after all of that. Out of everything we ever prayed for this year, this baby girl was the major thing answered.
Despite my fears and doubts about my own abilities, I love her. She is wanted. I look forward to seeing her sweet face for the first time. We know that despite the work and the stress that will inevitably occur (after all, mom and dad will be forever outnumbered), this little girl is worth it all. And while my faith has been tested and challenged this year as it never has before, I cling to the fact that God knows what He is doing, even if I feel hopelessly lost.
"Then Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou has the words of eternal life.'"~John 6:68
