Baby's First Christmas

Dearest Anna,

We had such a gray, gloomy fall.  So when the sun finally sent streams of light into our living room the past couple of days, you noticed.  You can't crawl yet, but you can pull yourself around, and you went after those rays of sunshine streaming on the floor.  You tried to touch them, pat them, and capture them, only to find that you could not latch on.

Life can be like that.  Oh, life can throw us some hard times.  You will one day leave the magic of childhood and discover that life isn't so easy.  It sends us more dreary weather days than cheery ones.  But, it does give us rays of sunshine.  I want you, dear girl, to always do what you tried to do today.  Reach out and grab hold of those rays.  Never stop looking for them. Sometimes, they like to hide.  And though you can't physically touch them, you can let them warm your soul.

As I wait for Christmas in two days, I marvel at the gift of YOU.  Daddy and I like to joke that you were our Valentine's gift to each other, being born just one day before.  Last year at Christmas, I dreamed of you, even getting your stocking and hanging it up.  My own dear mama bought you two ornaments with your name on them, that we put on the tree as we waited for you.

Now you are here!  The girl we dreamed of for years is here to celebrate the wonderful holiday with us!  I dreamed of you for almost my whole life!  When I was a little girl, I wanted a little sister so badly.  I had a big sister, but I had the desire to nurture and be a mini mommy even back then.  When I realized I was to remain the youngest, my thoughts turned toward a daughter as the years went by.  The idea to name you Anna came to me when I was fairly young.  I'm not even sure of the age.  With my middle name being Ann and my last name containing "anna", well, it felt right.  At my baby shower last year, I remember telling my aunts "It's always been with me."  Not just the name, but the dream of YOU.

The Anna in the Bible, in Luke 2, is a special lady, a prophetess who waited for the coming of Christ for years.  I remember standing in the bookstore with your daddy when we were dating, and I looked up and saw "Anna" on those Scripture name cards that used to be so popular.  I wasn't looking through them at all; something else had my attention at the moment.  But I looked up and saw "Anna".  The God of the Universe stopped me in my tracks, and He whispered to me that I would have a daughter with that name.  

It sounds weird to say such a thing.  But I know He spoke to me.  I can't even say He has ever spoken to me like that again, in that same way.  Over the years, when our dream of you seemed to be getting snuffed out and all but buried, the memory of that day still lingered with me.  

This year, we rejoice that you are with us!  Oh, it is clear you are, in fact, no angel sent down in the form of a baby.  Your personality is starting to form, and you have already proven yourself to be a sinner, just like the rest of us.  (Putting you on the changing table these days is evidence of that!)  But you are ours!  You are the girl we waited for.  You are the girl we wanted for so, so long.  

Dearest girl, I am so happy to be your mama!  I am not perfect or even close.  I can give you a dreadfully long list of my flaws any day of the week.  But, I will tell you when I am wrong.  I will tell you I am sorry.  I will ask for your forgiveness.  That is what love does.  And I pray we will form a strong bond as we both follow after God.

I will not dictate your life or tell you what to dream.  But, I will encourage you to go after the dreams God gives you.  I will tell you to chase after the sunshine like you did today.  Don't let the seeming impossibilities stop you.  If God has put something on your heart to do, then do it.  Follow Him all your days.  Whatever you do, don't stop dreaming your God-given dreams.

You are here because we couldn't let go of the dream that God gave us.

I love you forever and always.

Merry Christmas, my daughter.

Love,

Mama

Story behind this little Skye, the pink Paw Patrol puppy:

My mom had bought Caleb the Marshall Paw Patrol puppy years ago.  He liked firemen, so it was perfect.  We bought all of the figurines and trucks, minus the girl ones.  Still, he loved his little stuffed animal best.  We happened to be at a mall a couple of years ago, in a bookstore that sold quite a number of toys.  Caleb noticed this little Skye, just like his Marshall, and picked her up. It seemed like he wanted me to get her, but I remember telling him we had no girls at home, and it looked like she'd belong best to a little girl.

As we left the store, I couldn't help but feel like she was supposed to come with us.  At the time, there didn't seem to be a reason...

This Christmas, she was one of the first presents I purchased.

Enough said!

All Caleb Wants For Christmas...

 

is his two front teeth, of course!

Caleb lost one of his two front teeth four days ago, and I thought to myself, if that other one comes out, he's going to have to sing that old song!  Then, two days ago, he told me his other front tooth was loose!  I said to myself, "I knew it!", and so took to YouTube to find some kids singing that song for Christmas to show Caleb.

So, we're gonna make him sing the chorus, and of course, we're going to capture it all on video.  The timing is PERFECT.  

In the background here, that small photo is Caleb at 6 months old!  (And please don't blame me if the ornaments are all haphazard.  I am the mother of two little boys.)

In life, you've got to get excited about the little things, or else, why bother?  And my son losing his two front teeth at Christmas is a wonderfully fun thing to celebrate!

Anna: 10 Months

Our Anna Lynn is cruising right along, and here we are at 10 months.  I had a little chat with her today, and told her in no uncertain terms that she is growing entirely too fast, and simply must slow down!  

She's getting close to being on-the-move!  She's not crawling yet, but she is increasingly getting on her belly more and more, and she is maneuvering around on her arms.  Her knees need to catch up with her arms, but it is clear we need to make sure we are keeping a good eye on her.  She is having much fun taking things off the coffee table, much to big brother Caleb's horror.  You see, Caleb has things just so on the coffee table, spread out as he likes and how his mind understands, and little sister is messing everything up.

I have warned him that this day would come.  Anna is a baby headed for toddlerhood, and we all know how toddlers turn the earth upside down.  He can't stand anyone messing with his stuff.  I can't even have my living room the way I want it!  As much as he loves his little sister, even her cuteness can't take away his upset.

Oh, dear!  I'm not sure how we'll get through the days ahead.

Anna is excitedly studying everything around her and always looking for something to get her hands on.  But, she's still a mama's girl.  Sometimes I just have to walk by, and she starts to cry, realizing suddenly that I'm not holding her at the moment.  Never mind the fact that we are hardly separated at all, save for a quick trip I make to the grocery store on the weekend.  

She's turning pages in books we read, which is very exciting!  She might not always be consistent, or she might be ahead of my voice, but no matter.  She understands what to do, at least!  

Anna's naps have suddenly taken a turn for the worst, and I'm not sure how to fix it.  She has been having terribly short naps the past few days, and short naps make for one fussy baby.  Her overnight sleep is good, and success there is due to the fact that we moved out of our room to sleep on an air mattress in the living room.  She just couldn't sleep through the night as long as I was right there next to her, so we had to take some drastic measures.  I miss my bed already.  I might try to go back at some point, but for right now, we both need a bit of separation.  (Just a little!)  

She loves it when I sing to her, and it is fun to see her get all excited when I start.  She might be sitting on the floor, and I approach her slowly, singing a line at a time, and her arms and legs start going!  One of my favorites is "Sugar, oh, honey honey.  She is my candy girl, and she's got me wanting her."  She absolutely loves it, but Caleb gets mad at me, because we don't eat candy (unhealthy) and he complains that I am calling her candy, which is gross.  I laughed out loud the first time he said that!  I have taught him well, then.  

I have had so much fun shopping for Anna for Christmas!  After shopping for two boys, buying things for my girl has been a real treat!  Brian and I are so excited for her first Christmas!  Oh, we know she very likely won't care a fig for her gifts, and she'll enjoy the wrapping paper and bows so much more!  We will enjoy watching her!

Anna has five teeth now, and she's already wearing a lot of 18-month clothes.  We have a few things we are finishing up in 12 months, but we are thankful for Brian's coworker who passed on some 18 month hand-me-downs to us!

Oh, how we love her!  It is such a joy to have a baby in the house again!  (I didn't say it was easy!)  Sometimes, it is so wonderful to look at the world through a baby's eyes!  And hers are the prettiest shade of blue and a wonder to behold!

Dear Anna-Girl, we are so happy to see your stocking hanging up and ornaments with your name on the tree.  YOU are the best gift of 2020, and one of the three best gifts of our lives!  We love you immensely!

Anna: 9 Months

Anna's nine-month doctor appointment was today, and boy did she have some fits!  In the first place, the waiting time was unusually long, and then, being stripped of one's garments only to lay down on a paper "blanket" while being poked and prodded doesn't bring out the best in anyone.  Then the doctor picked her up, and boy, stranger anxiety has kicked in full gear, and she was not having any of it!

That's my girl!

Our Anna Lynn is still our chubby cherub!  Her weight is no concern at all, since she is thriving in that regard.  And she still eats very little solids.  I had a great chat with the nurse about solid foods.  I actually had prayed about it before I went.  Anna simply hasn't been eating much solids; she just hasn't had much of an interest.  She still has a pretty good gag reflex and gags on the slightest bump in pureed carrots, for example.  It has been a major concern for me; this is my third child, and I feel like a new parent!  I prayed that I would get some kind of positive encouragement about Anna's feeding, or lack thereof.  Turns out it was the nurse who offered what I needed!  She has a thirteen-month old who didn't want food either, and also gagged to the point of throwing up.  When he turned a year, all the sudden his interest kicked in, and he started eating regularly, kind of bypassing the pureed foods in favor of the real deal.

So, it was just a moment of taking a deep breath for me.  A reminder that it really is okay.  She is growing and thriving, and it isn't a race to the finish line.  She'll get there her own way, when she wants to.  I am so glad God answered my prayer and gave me encouragement today instead of something negative.

As for me, I recently found myself dehydrated with awful dizzy spells.  I realized I was neglecting my water intake, and Anna is still nursing strong (obviously, since she is bypassing solids).  This was a definite reminder to keep taking care of myself, too.  How easy it is as a mama to forget yourself while caring for your young ones (and your husband, too!)  Stopping right now to take some sips...

Anna is learning some fun games like "Peek-A-Boo", and she reaches her arms to be picked up.  She definitely knows routines, and we play a little game, whenever I take her into my room for nap or bedtime, I tiptoe toward the mirror and all of the sudden bring us both in front.  She loves it and waits for it.  

She's got four teeth!  She is sipping from her new water cup.  I need to hold it for her at this point since it is still new for her.  Silas never understood the concept of a sippy cup or straw or anything like it, and finally we had to give him a coffee cup type of thing with a hole.  If we go out with him, we bring a water cup with a lid and take off the lid for him to drink it.  Anna understood how to sip right away, so that was a good bit of relief.  She loves drinking water, and she seems to like that better than eating!

Anna is clapping and waving and banging toys all over the place.  She only just started babbling, so we'll see how that progresses at this point.  She is a busy girl, studying everything around her, especially her brothers.  She can't quite figure Silas out.  He keeps his distance more than Caleb, and she tries to touch him whenever he is near.  He doesn't like that so much.  Sometimes he gets her eye and she gets his eye and they laugh together.  Caleb dotes on her, as always.

If my house has shredded papers and napkins all over the place, you know who to blame.  I feel like I am forever picking up ripped pieces.  Oh, well, she's cute, so who's gonna stop her?

I am so looking forward to the holidays this year as a family of five.  We are so blessed to have our girl with us this year!  Truly, she has been in our hearts for years, so it's about time!

Coincidentally, you can't see it in these pics, but it shows up in some of the outtakes, Anna is holding one of Caleb's number blocks and the number she is holding is nine!  Yay for nine months!

Baby Shower Reflection & My Old Baby Shoes

One year ago today, my sister and mother threw me a lovely baby "sprinkle".

I told my sister not to make too much fuss.  I am a simple person, and Dollar Tree décor is just fine by me (and my budget).  But my sister has slightly more sophisticated taste, and she went above and beyond to make it a special day.  I still have the things she made and/or purchased for the day, and I was so blessed by all the work she went through for my sake, or rather, for the sake of Anna :)

My aunts were there, as well as my cousins, and some dear friends and former coworkers, and everyone knocked my socks off with their generosity.  It was so fun to celebrate another baby, and this time, a baby girl!  I didn't then, and still don't, take any of it for granted.  On the contrary, I was humbled by the love and care of my dear friends.  

I thought about it today, marveling once again about the passing of time.  I texted my sister and told her I didn't know whether to be happy or sad that the shower was one year ago today.  Of course, I am glad, but there is a little bit of nostalgia, too.  My baby girl is growing like a weed, and I want so much to hold on to every stage before a new one begins.  I want to remember her every facial expression, habit, and attempt at trying something new.

Changing topics...

I still have my first pair of baby shoes.  These shoes are rather special, because I wore a bar on my feet that attached to the shoes.  My feet pointed inward, and the bar was used to straighten my feet.  I had to wear the bar 23 hours a day.  My parents distinctly remember the banging sound as I tried to kick my feet against the table.  The shoes were open-toed, to allow for my feet to grow.

I'm so glad my mom kept the shoes, as it is a special memento of my former "handicap" if you could call it that :)  I wanted to try them on Anna, just for a quick photo.  Of course, I would never make her wear these outdated things!  It was just fun for a pic.  And as a side note, they were rather annoying to get on!  This is one thing we parents have easier today!  They make shoes with velcros and zippers and whatnot, and these laces on the boot up the ankle made it extremely tricky!  Kuddos to my parents for having to deal with this every single day, more than once a day for baths and changes.  

Anna: 8 Months

Time marches on, and despite all the things that man can do in these modern times, we can't slow down time, speed it up, nor have any control of it whatsoever.

In our household, time is currently going at warp speed, and try as I might to hold on to these months, they are slipping through my fingers and flying away into the wind.  A few things which we lovingly prepared for the arrival of our baby are now packed up or put away, already outgrown.

It brings both joy and sadness at the thought.  I miss my little newborn, all curled up on my shoulder.  The months have taken my helpless newborn and replaced her with a strong and growing baby girl.  Oh, but I love this girl, too!  How can I not?  She gives me the most delightful slobbery kisses that make me feel like I might have been kissed by an angel, in spite of the wet cheek she leaves behind!  My Anna-Girl giggles with me.  Oh, we don't even need much of a reason!  Just a little eye contact and some lovin'! That's good enough for us to start the giggles!

Anna is observant, and with that, easily distracted.  She notices an awful lot!  She can sometimes be hard to put down for that reason.  She's definitely gaining strength in her upper body, and holding her close these days usually results in some baby-assaulting-mama moments.  She's grabbing anything and everything these days.  I've had my nose grabbed, a hand pressed into the part of the neck below the Adam's apple (hello suffocation), my hair pulled (no matter if it is pulled back), and I am currently training her not to pull off my glasses.  I dare not wear dangly earrings for a while yet!

She is sitting up on her own, but she still topples.  So if she's not in her Bumbo, then I'm sitting on the floor with her.  I certainly don't keep a death grip on her, but it is good to stay near.  Just yesterday she fell over before I could grab her, her face thankfully hitting a soft toy.  This is my third baby, and I finally purchased a baby bath tub just yesterday.  Long story short (we did have a hand-me-down tub for the sink but it was not as suitable for the bathtub), she just isn't strong enough yet to hold herself in the tub, and it took Brian holding her while I was scrubbing her, and it just was getting to be too much slipping and sliding.  Tonight she was in her new bathtub (in the adult tub) and she was as happy as a clam.  I should have bought this baby tub ages ago!  

Anna still isn't all that into eating yet.  What can I say?  I offer it.  I offer both spoon-fed purees as well as the baby-led weaning style of bits of things like mashed banana or avocado or whatever on the tray.  She does like my homemade yogurt, which is very healthy and loaded with probiotics (much more than store-bought by far), and as long is she is in the mood (key words being "in the mood"), she eats it pretty well.  She sometimes likes a little bit of avocado.  Maybe.  I'm still not certain.  She will gag on it a bit here and there, but she doesn't completely reject it.  She seems to like carrots, but she tends to go up and down, so who knows.  Yogurt seems to be the big winner right now.  Sometimes I get scared, because she is definitely behind other babies and what they are able to eat, but I certainly can't hold her down and force it in her mouth.  My gentle mother always listens to my woes and gives me comfort, saying, "Don't worry; she'll come around."  A girl never outgrows her need for a mama, at least, this girl hasn't.  When my mama tells me it is going to be all right, it feels like it is better already.  I pray I offer that same comfort for my Anna-Girl someday.  

I plan to nurse for a while longer still.  Do you know that the worldwide average weaning age is 4 1/2? Folks in the Western culture like to get it over and done asap, and people tend to look at you askance if you keep on going.  I nursed Caleb until he was 2 years and 2 months, as I prepared for Silas's arrival the following month.  We both cried together and I held him tight as we said goodbye to that chapter of our relationship.  I nursed Silas until he was 4.  I kind of let him decide and he eased off gradually, and I was ready to be done since I was pregnant with Anna.  Breastfeeding provides great immunities for babies and children, and my boys rarely get sick, or if they do, it is very minimal (like minor sniffles).  Anna is a chubby baby girl, and though she is behind on solids, she is by no means going hungry, and I will continue to be there for her.  

Our girl is clapping and waving, and she is beginning to get an interest in books.  I read to her before bed, and she is already anticipating the books and looking for them.  Problem is, we need more books!  Silas singlehandedly ruined the majority of all our old baby books, and we had some darling classics that have long been sent to the trash heap in tatters.  So I need to start hunting down books starting NOW.  (Note to self!)  In the future, I cannot wait to introduce her to "Little House" books and "Anne of Green Gables", and someday, someday, ahem, my beloved Jane Austen.  But we have a little time before that yet. :) :) :)

It goes without saying that our hearts have been caught:  hook, line and sinker.  We are in love with her darling blue eyes and her silly grins.  We pray for her to know Jesus someday as her Savior, that her name will be written in the Book of Life. 

 I am honored to be her mama!  

One Year Ago Today

Brian and I both remember it so clearly.  The moment we found out we were having a baby GIRL.

I cannot fully express what it still means to us.  When I found out I was pregnant, I thought it was a girl.  I had different cravings then I had with the boys, and I just FELT that it was a girl.  But I was wrong once before, and of course I had to prepare myself for either.

When I was newly pregnant, I remember being at a store behind a lady who was holding a newborn, clearly a boy as he was dressed in blue, and she had two sons with her.  I stared and stared at all of them (not trying to be rude), and took it all in.  Would that be me, I wondered?  A mother of three sons?  

Then, my dental hygienist was also pregnant, further along than I last summer.  She was just the opposite of me:  she had two girls and she and her husband wanted a boy.  Her husband went to the sonogram wearing a blue shirt, hoping for a boy.  They found out they were having another girl.

There were times that I wondered if these two situations were before me just to prepare my heart for another boy.  And of course, I would have loved him regardless.  

Yet, God chose to answer our hearts' deepest longing.  Brian and I had a list of things (still do), that we've been praying about for quite some time.  New job and moving are on the list.  But our hearts yearned most for a daughter.  Over the years, as our dream was steeped in seeming impossibility, one of us would say to the other, "Are we ever going to have our Anna Lynn?"  And there was never an answer.  The most we could commit to was "Well, maybe.  Someday."  But even that was said weakly, with disbelief.  After all, the reasons not to have another were piled against us.  We even had begun getting rid of baby things.  Not all, but certainly the worn down stuff.  We had gotten to the point in which we really believed we had to move forward and shut the door.

Perhaps it is when we reach that point and finally let go, God shows up in a mighty way.  One by one, God had knocked down our reasons or removed them all together (for example, my seizures).  Was every fear erased?  No, certainly not.  The fear of taking care of a baby along with Silas was real.  But we knew God's voice was speaking to us, and we could not ignore Him any more.  If we did, it would be to our everlasting sorrow and regret.

Our Anna Lynn was the one major prayer that was answered in these past few years.  Oh, I'm not saying God doesn't answer our prayers.  I'm just talking about a major life event.  Those other things we were praying for at the same time we were praying about her, well, we're still praying. We long to move from this neck of the woods (literally), but we just seem to be stuck.  But God gave us our baby!  We still marvel that out of all the things we have been praying for, Anna was wrapped up and delivered with a shiny pink bow.

Life certainly isn't easy.  I am trying to homeschool Caleb with a fussy baby in my arms or the boys are having a screaming fight when I am trying to get Anna to go to sleep.  This is the hardest time of my life, but whatever I do, I must offer it back to God.  He entrusted these three lives to my care.  

When I was dating Brian, God told me I'd have a daughter named Anna.  Over the years, I thought I must have heard Him wrong.  Now I know that God spoke to me about Anna ten years before she was born so that we wouldn't give up on her.  

One year ago today, at roughly 3:15 or so, was one of the happiest moments of our lives.  I'm so glad we didn't give up on Anna. 

I'm so glad God didn't give up on us!

Anna: 7 Months

It seems parents of little ones are forever caught between two ways of thinking.  On the one hand, you can't wait to see what your little girl is going to look like in a few years!  Will she have curls, like her mama had when she was little?  Will she love dolls or teddy bears more?  What kinds of things will she enjoy doing the most?  What skills will she develop?  What will her personality be like?  Will she enjoy hanging out with her mama, just as much as her mama is going to absolutely love being with her?

And then, you think, oh, no!  That means she's going to grow!  I want her to stay a baby forever, thank you.  All of the answers to those questions can wait!

So, while I wish I could see a picture of her face in the future, I am more than content with the adorable baby girl right in front of me, and I'm in no hurry to rush the process!

But despite my efforts to pause time, she continues to grow!  She's a chub, our little girl, that's for sure!  She looks a bit older than she is, and at the doctor's last month, she was off the charts for height and in the 90th percentile for weight.  She is rolling around all over the place, and probably would end up in Nebraska if our living room wasn't so crowded.  

We started putting her in her exersaucer a couple of weeks ago, and at first she just stared around at the toys and gadgets, and her brothers joined her on the floor, happily figuring out all the toys, and soon she joined in.  She still falls over if left to sit on her own, so I always sit on the floor with her with my legs propping her up, or I put her in her Bumbo.  She loves it when I sit with her the most and she stays content like that the longest.

I had to put eating solid foods on the back burner for a time.  Say, what?  Yes, I know.  I am a little surprised here, too.  When I first fed her solids on her very first day, she did fine.  Then, the days after that, there was no interest.  I started with homemade food, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get that as smooth as the store-bought baby food (yes, even with a food processor).  She had a couple of gagging fits (one very bad), even though there was nothing to actually choke on.  I decided to try the store-bought just to see if she did any better.  And, well, not really.  She just didn't want it and had no interest, and it was like pulling teeth trying to get her to eat it.

So, I did what any mother would do and took to the internet.  I actually found that this is not as uncommon as one would think, and that some babies still have such a strong gag reflex that the food is seen as a foreign object.  I found some suggestions about desensitizing the gag reflex by letting the baby gum a large carrot stick, brushing the baby's gums with a baby toothbrush, and using special teethers that get to the back of the mouth.  

So, this is where we are.  I am still trying to give food, but the move forward is very slow.  However, my milk is still enough at this point, and she is not starving by any means.  

Anna has moved up to her next size car seat, and let me tell you that probably the worst thing about having a baby is installing the car seats.  It is the chore I dread the most.  Those metal clasps that go over the latch points are awful and trying to get the thing level, all while climbing around the backseat like a monkey...  Anyway, the deed is done and she's comfy cozy.  Along with that, she's facing out in her stroller now and it's a whole new world!

Our Anna Lynn is bright-eyed and beautiful.  She's observant and getting smarter.  And if we've turned the ceiling fan off, she will notice and wonder why it isn't moving.  She knows her panda bear is on the changing table, without even seeing it.  She just reaches back and grabs it.  She loves belly rubs and crazy tickle kisses.  

She is loved.  I pray she knows it, and not just that we love her, but the God of all creation loves her, too.  Now, that is something worth living for!

I have simply lost count how many clothing items she currently wears or has worn which contain a unicorn. 

This pic was from a few days ago.  Daddy came up with this fun idea when I was finishing up with Silas's bath just before Anna's bedtime.  It was a hit for all!  Oh, and Caleb lost his second tooth!  (Edited to add:  Anna cut her second tooth.  I think they are in some kind of race!)

I stumbled over this quote recently, "God knew I needed a lifelong friend, so He gave me a daughter."  Amen, I say!  Now, don't misunderstand me.  I'm Anna's mama, first and foremost.  I will mother her in love and prayer and guidance, as my mother did me.  But if we should so happen to be friends someday, too, so be it.  I won't argue!

Homeschooling

We homeschool Caleb year-round, but for the purpose of having a beginning and an ending to a grade, we made today the first day of homeschool for the next school year at our house, since Daddy went back to work.

I took a bit of a break homeschooling Caleb this summer and let Daddy take over, and he did a great job.  Caleb's reading has taken off, and he keeps improving all the time.  He is also doing great with math!

This is the first year we need to report Caleb to the school district, since PA has strict homeschool laws to follow.  We are keeping records of every last bit of work we do with him.  We are doing more subjects with him this year, especially since he is reading so well, and we are more than excited about working with him!

I'm teaching him language arts, reading comprehension, science, health, phys ed, and some history/geography.  Brian is teaching music (obviously) in the evenings, and he won't let me touch the math because he loves it so much. He will be sharing history with me here and there, because that would probably be his second choice subject to teach full-time if he wasn't teaching music.  We do teach him the Bible as well, and that is mixed into everything we do! 

I actually do love homeschooling, but my own workhorse nature struggles with the fact that I am not taking care of my own chores, which seem endless, while I am teaching.  Of course, I know that teaching is one of my main duties, other than feeding my children!  I'm just being honest that my nature struggles with this.  It is hard juggling chores such as cleaning, baking/cooking (because we eat mainly a Paleo diet and eat little out of a package), and taking care of a baby who disrupts any sort of routine you try to maintain.  I trust the Lord will help me navigate my stay-at-home mom's duties as I learn to give and take.

We are also hoping to entrust Caleb with more chores this year.  It is a slow process, but we are working on it. 

We are proud of our Caleb and how he is growing, and we pray that we encourage him and nurture his mind in the ways that benefit him the most so he will thrive.

Last week, Daddy took Caleb and Silas to the park, and Caleb came back bearing a gift for me.  And you know what?  These are some of the most beautiful flowers I have ever received, because my son thought of me when he picked them.  I made a big deal over them and exclaimed over their beauty as if they were roses instead of weeds.  Because when a son picks his mama a flower, oh, it melts her dear heart!

Our Anna Lynn isn't quite sitting up on her own yet, but she is letting me put her in the Bumbo seat, which is great!  She didn't like it at first!  Speaking of weeds, she is growing like one, for sure!

Here is a big brother who adores his little sister!  My big brother was much the same with me when I was little!  

COVID19 and the Perpetual Paternity Leave

When we were getting ready to have our baby, Brian's work asked him about taking a paternity leave. I had heard of father's taking a leave and I thought it sounded funny and a little absurd.  Why does the father need time off?  He didn't just give birth!  

Then I realized, good grief, I'm going to have a baby plus two little boys who are not the most independent of God's creatures, to put it mildly.  Of course he needs a paternity leave!  He needs to help me!  And we are going to take every bit of what we have coming!

So Brian took two weeks off, which included the time in the hospital.  Then he went back for two and a half weeks, and then COVID19 gave me my husband back!  I had him home for the rest of the school year!  He set up an office of sorts downstairs, and did some virtual instruction.  While I tried not to disturb him or depend on him too much in the crazy moments, I relished in the fact that he could eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with us.  There was no commute!  I enjoyed even loading a snack tray and bringing down food and drink to him.  I was so happy to have him home! 

I remember June 2019, when I took my pregnancy test and shared with Brian our news, my first words to him were, "I'm terrified!"  I knew taking care of my two boys plus a baby was going to require a new level of strength on my part and a level of sanity I doubted I had.

Yet, God, in all His goodness and sovereignty, perfectly arranged this for me.  Who would have known one year ago that Brian would have a long absence from work due to a pandemic?  I was scared and didn't know how I'd manage, and God had it all worked out. 

Now, of course, Brian is getting ready to go back next week, and life must go on.  I still scratch my head and wonder how in the world I'll make it.  I simply have to deal with things mamas don't normally have to deal with, and it is hard (understatement of the century).  Yet, these months have shown me how much God orchestrated the timing of my baby's birth with a pandemic to give me my husband's help when I most needed it, especially in those bleary-eyed early days.

I'm not sure how things will go on my own once again, but I am more than grateful for the time I had with my husband.  He had extra time with Anna in her early months than he did with the boys, and it was a sweet time for all of us to be together, and getting used to being a family of five.

Now, the next obstacle:  how to overcome the issue of alarm clocks while rooming with a baby!  Lord, help us!  She wakes up if I breathe wrong, never mind an alarm clock!  

Brian & Courtney : 9 Years

Nine years.

Nine years of putting up with one another's imperfections, shortcomings, and flaws.  Nine years of supporting, encouraging, and loving.  Nine years of growing together, sharpening one another, and following after God.

Three kids.  1 house.  2 cars.  

As we celebrated our day today, I told Brian, "Okay, this time 9 years ago, you could have still backed out.  Do you wish you had?"  

He assures me he still would say, "I do."

And so would I.  And so I do.  I still do.

We do.

Today and everyday.  Today and forty years from now.  Today and always.

I love you, Darling!  

Anna: 6 Months

This picture was taken at 8:36 a.m., the exact minute she was born 6 months ago, on a Thursday just like today.

I cannot stand how adorable these ruffle sleeves are!  Give me this shirt in my size, please!

 This is our Anna Lynn after her very first solid food!

Our Anna is half a year old already!  Boy, do we love her to pieces!

I gave Anna her first solid food today.  I am planning to do all homemade purees, soups, and even a drink or two until she is ready to chew more things.  Today I gave her some pureed butternut squash mixed with a bit of breast milk.  I'll be adding other things into her vegetable and fruit purees, such as homemade chicken broth from quality pastured chickens, sauerkraut juice, lard, and even homemade yogurt or kefir.

She, of course, made adorable faces when we gave her her first food, and Daddy was there to capture it all on video.  At one point, she grabbed hold of the spoon and even guided it into her mouth (while I still held on, of course).  I consider that a pretty good achievement.  We got two or three spoonfuls in when she seemed to have had enough.

Anna is an expert at rolling over on her right side from back to tummy.  She's able to stay longer on her tummy than she used to, and now I no longer have to "do tummy time" since she does it herself.  Caleb often joins her and plays with her when she's down on the floor.  She gets mad after a time, and that's it, she's done, come get her.  Sometimes she rolls over in the crib, too, and the other morning, she gave me a heart attack, when she fell asleep face down, as in, completely face down with nose to the mattress.  I was right there in the room with her, in and out of sleep myself, and I didn't know!  I saw her, and didn't bother to check for breathing, but rolled her right back over.  Needless to say, I startled the poor baby, and she went from sleeping to crying.  Well, I'd rather have a crying baby than a not-breathing baby!  Boy, these babies love to scare us!

She fits better in 9 month clothes at this point, and her 3-6 month shirts are starting to ride up her torso.  However, I need to stretch these summer clothes out as long as the weather is hot, so she's stuck in her 6 month stuff for now.  I might have to look for some 9 month summer clearance clothes, because I sure don't want to pay a lot for only a bit of wear!  That is the annoying part of baby clothes, for sure!

As I've said before, she's sleeping in our room until the unforeseeable future.  I decided to decorate a bit and hang some of her things in our room, because I was sick of waiting until she had her own room, whenever that may be.  While it can be very hard to share a room with a baby (goodness, one rustle of the sheet and she stirs), it has its good points.  I love waking up to her smile each morning.  She is so bright with wide-eyed wonder, and even if I'm super groggy, just wanting to say good morning to her causes me to start my day with a grin!

We are so thankful for our Anna!  

Happy Birthday, Silas! 5 Years

Today's the day we celebrate our Silas!  For sure, there is a lot of hard stuff we're going through with him right now, but we won't talk about those things on this day.  It's his birthday, so we're here to celebrate the good!

Our Silas loves music!  Brian hears him sometimes singing right on pitch, and he responds to songs, especially children singing, so well.  He loves the Cedarmont Kids DVDs (thanks to my sister for getting us started on those), and we got him a new DVD for his birthday.  He often can be heard singing the songs even when they aren't playing, albeit, his vocals and pronunciations are rough around the edges.  

He's come around to Anna quite a bit.  When we first brought her home, he didn't know what to make of her for a time, but he was never mean to her in any way, as sometimes can happen with a new baby.  He makes it a point to greet her in the morning when in her high chair, and he looks to me as he does so, making sure I see him as he acknowledges her.  If she drops a toy, he will pick it up and give it back, but I hold my breath, or run over to help, because he often throws it at her, and I need to soften the blow.  He also helps me move her chair over to the table at breakfast, and he even scoots the floor rocker out of the way so we can do so.

Silas loves the park.  If we drive by a park and we aren't stopping, we must be prepared for tears.  He is always ready to run and play, and he loves the swings and slides.

Routines are important to Silas, and he helps where he can.  When it is time for morning snack, usually a banana if we have them, he gets out the butter knife for me so I can cut it up.  He gets out the cod liver oil at dessert time in the evening, and he takes it without reservation.  He also puts it away, sometimes to my annoyance, if I haven't given Anna hers yet.  :)  But I am glad he is doing these things.

As far as his speech, he is saying more words and phrases.  Mostly, though, he still repeats us, and doesn't speak so much conversationally.  His speech is also still very hard to understand.  That is why we play so much music for him, of children singing and such, because it draws him out as he tries to sing some of those words.

We still pray for his healing.  We continue to see a nutritionist and ZYTO technician who directs us in the supplements his body needs, and we continue to do music therapy as a way of drawing him out. 

Most of all, we know Jesus loves him, and in some of the not-so-great moments, I sing out loud, "I believe He is the Christ, Son of the Living God" (Andrew Peterson song, as quoted from Peter in the Bible).  And you know what?  It not only calms him (most of the time), but he is starting to sing it, too!

Even though I have a baby, he is still a mama's boy, and he tries to get his affection in however he can!  I am grateful he hasn't given up on me yet :)

Silas, we love you, and we pray God's blessing over you.  Numbers 6: 24-26.  Always.

Little guy was tuckered out on his own birthday!

Here's his smile as we finished singing "Happy Birthday" and he knows cupcakes are coming!

Waiting

While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

By:  John Waller, movie "Fireproof"

I needed to hear this song today.  Waiting is excruciating at times.  Waiting for God to move.  To change things.  To make new paths.  To reveal His will.  To heal.  To bind up wounds.  To make all things new.

You've been there, I'm sure.  We all have.  There are times I've railed at God, perhaps not always in words, but in my heart.  "You don't care," my heart would whisper.  "I pray and ask and pray and ask, and NOTHING!  Well, fine, if that's the way You want it!  I'll be a Christian in salvation, but forget going deeper.  I can't take any more!"

Then came the conviction.  Who am I to berate an Almighty God, for not doing what I think is best?  He already sent His Son to die for me.  One day I will not just stand before Him, I will fall at His feet and worship.  It is far better to worship Him now, then to wait until later. 

As this song so clearly inspires, I am choosing to trust.  Some days, it is all that I have.  Some moments, shouting the name of Jesus is all I have left.  But in the waiting, I am hopeful that He is changing me in the process, refining me, and making me new.

I hope this might encourage someone else today.  He's waiting with you.  He's waiting with me.  We don't always get the answer when we want, when we want it.  But He hasn't abandoned us.  We must not forget it.  

Lately, even though I have not seen the changes I am looking for, my faith is remaining stronger and wavering less and less.  In my weakest moments, I call out to Him.  Sometimes I sing a worship song or put on a CD.  Either way, it lifts my heart.  My problems didn't disappear, but my sorrowful heart turned a corner.  

"Some through the waters, some through the flood
Some through the fire, but all through the blood
Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song
In the night season and all the day long."

"God Leads Us Along"- Gaither Vocal Band.

A Bit of Mama Reflection

“Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ‘til tomorrow, for babies grow up we’ve learned to our sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep; I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.”

I came across this lovely little poem today, and my heart just melted.  Every mother is the CEO of a major company.  She's in charge of so many things.  It can be downright overwhelming.  She's got to tend to the laundry, the cooking, the baking, the cleaning.  And we all know that all of those are non-stop, never-ending, and when you do them all from top to bottom, you have to start right back up again!  The homeschool mom even has teaching on her list!

If you know me at all, I am a stickler for doing my own chores.  I have a schedule, and I try to keep it.  You will never see piled up laundry in the hamper nor dirty dishes in my sink.  (And I wash my dishes by hand because my dishwasher works terribly.)

But... but... don't think I am bragging.  Heavens, no!  I can tell you plenty of my shortcomings.  I don't dust as nearly as much as I should.  There are many piles of things that need sorting or reorganizing or just some plain old attention.  I look around my house most days and think, "What a mess!"

And then I stop and think, someday I'll have a clean home.  Someday my house will be magazine picture-perfect.  You won't find dust nor will you see messy piles.  You won't spot the dirt my boys' shoes tracked in from our gravel driveway, nor will you see the toys scattered here and there.   And you absolutely will not see the hand prints all over my sliding glass door, despite more than one cleaning a season!

But that empty nest won't be nearly as fun without all the laughter and chatter and little feet running about, will it?  

So for today, I will embrace the messy house, the boys who scamper about and wreak havoc, and my baby who interrupts my well-planned schedules to maintain order.  

After all, THEY are the reason I do what I do in the first place.  The house is going to burn one day anyway.  It is their souls I am after to win to eternity.  Nothing else matters.

Caleb, Silas, and Anna, I love you more than words.  Forgive me for not being a better mama.  I am trying, and am always trying, to improve.  Be patient with me!  I am a slow learner.  Love, Mama 

Lost & Caught

Last night, a seven year-old boy lost his first tooth!  We had been prepping Caleb for over a year now about losing his first tooth.  We bought a book and read it faithfully until almost memorized about a bear having a loose tooth.  It was kind of funny, because Anna cut her first tooth at the same time that Caleb's first tooth began to wiggle!  Caleb can tend to be a little squeamish, and he didn't spend time tugging on his tooth or trying to hasten its departure.  Finally, last night, it was so loose, I begged him to let me pull it.  I was afraid he would swallow it during his sleep!  He consented, and it was hardly a tug on my part at all.  It was ready!  Out it came, and Caleb began jumping up and down!

And today, Daddy took him fishing for the first time!  This boy is going places!  

Anna: 5 Months

I'm not sure how I lived without my Anna-Girl for so long!

Five months of living with her are now upon us, and with them, comes a blossoming and thriving baby girl!  At her last checkup, the doctor smiled and pronounced all of Anna's chub to be very healthy, and declared that I must have a very good milk supply.

Anna is now rolling over from back to tummy on her right side.  She can't get from tummy to back yet, but she is enjoying her newly found freedom.  She started eating her foot just a few days ago, and today, I saw her very first tear.  (Cue my own tears!)

She's so sweet, I can hardly stand it!  We have our little routine, she and I.  At this point, I am still putting her down for naps three times a day, or sometimes a fourth sneaks in there.  I always sing some songs and we snuggle.  She is starting to develop her own little personality, and she likes to stick out her tongue and try to eat my cheek with her wide open, wet mouth.  She giggles and I giggle, and we just have a great time!

She is starting to protest when I leave her in her crib for naps.  This just started, and it is a bit different from the norm.  It isn't the same as "I don't know how to go to sleep or want to go to sleep."  As soon as I step away, she lets out a fuss.  Her sleep is much better, and she goes to sleep unassisted the majority of the time at this point.  (Shhh... don't let her hear me say that, or else it will all change in an instant!)  We still need some improvement, but overall, I'm not worried, and we will get where we need to be!

I am gearing up for solid foods next month, and I keep thinking of things I didn't put on my registry a while back because I just plumb forgot!  I purchased some great things to get going, and while I still need a good (non-toxic) dish and sippy cup, I'm on my way!   I will do another post on just what my approach will be to starting her on solids.  We eat differently as a family than we did when I started the boys out, and this will affect Anna too, but in the best of ways.  She will start out eating the best foods that will be good for both the gut and the brain!  I'm going to seek out a farm that produces the best pastured chickens and grass-fed beef, raw milk, and pastured eggs.  We spent about seven months buying from this farm a couple of years ago, but quit due to the expense of it all.  Since I am starting her out on her very first foods, I at least want to get some pastured chickens once or twice a month for making homemade broth.  If that is all we can afford, at least it is something!

We also need to purchase her next size car seat, as she is getting heavier and heavier in her carrier!  We won't be moving her up just yet, but in another two or three months at most.  It is kind of at that point where you just get sick of carrying that thing around!  It gets to be easier to carry the baby rather than the car seat!

I think back to where we were one year ago.  I was still very early in my pregnancy, just trying to get used to the idea.  To be honest, this pregnancy was more a shock to me than my first!  It felt strange to be having a baby again, when I thought that was all behind me.  Now here we are, and I cannot imagine not having our Anna.  It is starting to feel normal to tell people I have three kids if I am asked.  Our Anna Lynn is an absolute dream come true, for both of us.  Even for Caleb!  He just dotes on her all day long! I pray we raise our girl and train her up in the way she should go.

And as I love to tell her, "You and me- we're gonna be BFFs!"  Brian took the boys to the park the other day, and I said to Anna, "Oh, good, it is just us!"  How wonderful it is to have another girl around! This girl is going to learn all my bargain-shopping strategies when she is older! Brian is no fun to shop with (he has no patience while I comb through a clearance rack), so we'll leave him and the boys at home!

But much more than that, if we can raise this girl to love the Lord and serve Him, and be content serving Him and her own household one day, then that is enough for me!

Happy Father's Day To This Daddy x 3!

Here's to this guy who finally has his own little girl!  (And look at those thighs!)

Allow me to share one more story regarding our discovery that we were going to be parents again.  As I have mentioned on the blog, the night before I took my pregnancy test, we were at an Andrew Peterson concert.  Brian has been a fan of his for years, and he also has made me a fan as well.  When Andrew Peterson came to Milford last year, we couldn't believe our good fortune!  His concert was at the Milford Bible Church which is about 12 minutes away!  We hardly ever go out at night, but we weren't going to miss that for the world!

I've already spoken about my experience with Andrew singing a song about change, and wondering why things weren't changing in our lives, and little did I know at that moment the news that was awaiting us. Well, Brian had a bit of his own experience.  Andrew's 16-year-old (at the time) daughter, Skye, was on stage singing a song which she wrote, and the dear girl is quite an emotional thing.  During her song, she broke down crying and was unable to continue.  Andrew, who was sitting in the front row to watch her, leapt to his feet, ran on stage, and took her in his arms to console her while she cried.  Brian was overcome in that moment, desiring a daughter of his own, as he had for so long.  A daughter to love, protect, and rescue.  And to cherish!

Little did he know that the seed of a baby girl was already planted in my belly at that moment, and his wish had already come true.  After church the very next day, I took my pregnancy test, and several months later, found out we were having a girl.

We will always fondly remember our time at an Andrew Peterson concert the night before our big news!

When you stand at the altar and slip a golden circle around your spouse's finger, you are not only partnering with them for romance and date nights for every weekend for the rest of  your life, you are partnering with them to be parents and raise little humans from scratch.  It is daunting!  Our world today gets harder and harder to navigate, and there are more and more things from which we need to protect our children.

I have had many jobs.  I have been a financial aid advisor at a seminary, a legal secretary, and a teacher (both in US and abroad) to name a few.  The hardest job on earth is being a parent.  It is the most exhausting, requires the most dying-to-self, and sometimes, makes you feel like the worst person on earth.  Having a partner who shares your vision, goals, and dreams is essential.  Sometimes, you get lost on the way, and having a partner helps you retrace your steps until you get back to where you are supposed to be.

Brian is my partner and my very best friend.  He is such a fun Daddy, and he brings so much life to our household, which would be pathetically dull if it were just me.  I am sometimes all work and to-do lists, frantically trying to get everything in the world done, and Brian brings levity which we all need.  However, he is a hard worker too, and will clean right with me if I need the help.  Our boys love him and his antics, and beneath the silly and the goofy, is a man who loves the Lord and those dear to him, and he has a very caring heart.  He is by no means perfect, and I can say that because I know his strengths and his flaws better than anyone, but he is a good man.  And as far as perfection goes, I failed that test myself a long time ago, and continue to do so, everyday!  So we go great together!

Darling, this post is part of my gift for you.  I love you and I am so grateful for you!  Happy Father's Day, Darling, and may you love this year the best yet, being a Daddy of 3!

Anna: 4 Months

"Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born the angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue" (Close to You, The Carpenters)

Thanks to my mom's devotion to Karen Carpenter's songs back in the day, I have stored in the recesses of my mind just about every song she ever sang, and those songs are more than willing to spring to the forefront with the slightest prompting.  A few days ago, as I was putting Anna in her high chair first thing in the morning, the line "On the day that you were born the angels got together" burst forth from my mouth and I haven't been able to stop singing it to my Anna ever since.  Thankfully, she likes it when I sing to her, and the poor girl doesn't yet know that I have a terrible voice.  However, bad voice or no, I believe a mother should sing to her child.  Because when sung in love and in joy, even an awful voice is made better.  Many, many times I have gotten her to sleep with my singing.  Shocker, right??!!!  Yes, even this wretched voice is somehow better as I croon to my baby.  It is done all in love, so right there, it smoothes away all the rough edges.

How our Anna-Girl is 4 months old, I'm not quite sure.  It seems just yesterday we brought her home.  It is a wonder of science that for parents of babies under 1 that time seems to fly at warp speed, and 4 months is really only 2.  Or at least, it should be.

Our girl is simply smothered in kisses every day, so I'm sure she is contemplating in her pretty little mind that her purpose in life might just be to get kisses.  And for now, she'd be quite right!  

Anna currently likes to be in-arms.  If we have her lying about, it can't be for too long.  It is clear I have to switch her up constantly... play mat on the floor, to high chair, to possibly pack n' play (though she tolerates that the least), to in-arms, and also to baby carrier strapped to my person.  Sometimes, she falls asleep in the carrier, though that is never my goal, since baby sleep is most restorative when it is stationary.  

We are still working on her sleep, and no, I do not expect a 4-month old to sleep through the night.  I am for cry-it-out, but I am also for soothing when possible.  I do predict more cry-it-out in our future, and while I hate it with a passion, I have been down this road before.  We will get her sleep to where in should be, in time.  Actually, over the next couple of months her sleep should take on more of a definite schedule and be a bit more by-the-clock.  Her sleep is improving, which is good news, but we still have a ways to go.  That is all right by me.

I can't believe that I'll be feeding her solids in two months!  I am getting ready and I have a really good baby food cookbook in my cart at Amazon, and I'm currently researching non-toxic baby food containers.  In the next couple of weeks, we will be putting away the bassinet, and putting together a mini-crib, passed down to me from my sister, who was also in the unfortunate position of not having a bedroom for her youngest.  The regular size crib, which we still have, will not fit in our room, so whenever we move in the future, it will be waiting for us once again.

And for the record, room sharing is hard!  There is nothing this girl does not hear, and I can barely slip into bed without waking her up, and I am as quiet as a mouse!  She never passed her hearing test as a newborn, due to faulty equipment, fluid in the ear, or a real problem.  We tried having her rechecked when she was a month old, but she wasn't quiet enough for the test, and she still needs a retake in a couple of weeks. From what I can see, she seems to have superhero hearing, and I hope the test proves it.

I never want to stop hearing her giggles!  I believe she is going to be an affectionate little girl, as she is already starting to nuzzle and snuggle into my neck more and more, and wrapping her little arms around me as much as she can.  

Our Anna Lynn continues to light up our lives every single day!