A Daily Surrender

I read this in one of my devotional books a couple of weeks ago, and it's been with me ever since.

"But is it our business to pry into what may happen tomorrow?  It is a difficult and painful exercise which saps the strength and uses up the time given us today.  Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get hold of what can never belong to us- tomorrow?  Our lives are His, our times in His hand, He is Lord over what will happen, never mind what may happen.  When we prayed, 'Thy will be done,' did we suppose He did not hear us?  He had indeed, and daily makes our business His and partakes of our lives.  If my life is once surrendered, all is well.  Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine!" ~ Elisabeth Elliot, "Keep a Quiet Heart"  (Book given to me by my friend Ruth.)

I can always count on Elisabeth Elliot to put things into the right perspective.  Oh, how wonderfully true these words are!  Lately, I have found myself worried about various things in my life, all of which I cannot control and cause me grief in one form or another.  When I read these words, it was like seeing my reflection in a mirror.  Did I walk away immediately transformed?  I wish!  No, it is a daily surrender.

I remember reading Elisabeth Elliot's "Through Gates of Splendor".  In that book, she writes of the journey that resulted in the death of her husband and four other missionary men in Ecuador.  When the men were on what would be their final mission, "Operation Auca", they had planned to contact their wives by radio at a designated time to let them know of their progress.  At the appointed time, the radio was silent.  The women knew something was wrong, but they didn't give in to despair or grief.  Elisabeth, in fact, went on to teach one of her classes even as the fate of her husband was still uncertain.  She didn't do what I would have done, which would have consisted of canceling everything so I could sit and fret until I heard word.

When the ladies did finally learn the truth, no one lost control or threw themselves on the floor in a fit of tears.  No one cursed God and pounded the floor with their fists, nor did they start saying, "Why me?"  They understood that His plans are infinitely bigger than ours.  Though they did grieve the loss of their husbands and the fathers to their children, they did so with dignity, all the while trusting in their Savior.

What a lesson for us all!  How I wish my faith were as strong, and I pray that God is not done with me yet, but that as He keeps dipping me back into the furnace, I will eventually, even faintly, resemble something of His image.

An Engagement Story

Yesterday was our eight month anniversary.  Today is the one year anniversary of our engagement.  I thought I'd tell our story here, just because it would be fun to write it down.  So let's rewind the time to April 21, 2011, shall we?  It was Thursday evening, after school had ended and Spring Break had begun:

I was standing in my bedroom, packing my bags, getting ready to head to PA to visit Brian on my week off.  We had looked at rings in December and talked of marriage time and again, and specifically, spoke of marriage that summer.  The weeks and months were going by, and my boyfriend had little time left to propose if he wanted to leave us enough time to plan a wedding by summer's end.  To be honest, I was a bit tired of waiting, because I knew we were going to get married, and I was weary of just being "boyfriend and girlfriend".  I had thought to be engaged by then already, and by the time Spring Break rolled around, I knew that this was the moment.  If we had a week to spend together, surely he would propose then.  As I half jokingly, half seriously said to my mom, "I'm coming back from Spring Break either engaged or single!"

In the midst of my small bedroom, with clothes all around me as I planned out my outfits for a week, I heard a saxophone playing outside my window.  Completely startled, I looked up and saw my Brian.  He got me good!  He had called me just a couple of hours before to tell me he was on his way to his evening job, but he was really coming down to see me!  I fumbled with the window, which is very hard to open, and he asked me if I heard what song he was playing.  I had to admit I hadn't... I was too surprised and jittery!  He played a few bars again, and it was our song "Bless the Broken Road".  I told him to come around to the door so I could let him in, which he did, and then he told my mom and he'd be taking me for a drive.

Well, obviously, this was the time at last, and we walked to his car, which he parked on another street so I wouldn't have seen him pull up.  He drove to the parking lot in the community where I lived, and I guessed by that time that we'd be walking to our favorite bench where we had had several important talks and earnest prayers.  I hadn't grabbed a jacket before we left, and it was a bit chilly, so Brian made short work of the big moment, dropped to one knee, and pulled out a ring that was made just for me.

What a wonderful surprise engagement, because even though I knew Spring Break would bring the glad tidings, I didn't know he'd come down to meet me before I'd be looking for it.  It was wonderful to spend Spring Break engaged from the very beginning, and he saved me the drive by taking me back with him and returning me a week later.  I loved that week, because the majority of people in my world didn't know I was engaged since I was away, and it was a beautiful, sweet secret for the time, just a knowledge that only ourselves and a few people in our lives knew.

Here's a picture of us on that day, one year ago today.

Spring Break in NJ

Brian and I headed to my home last week for Easter.  It was my first Easter home in three years, because the last two I had headed northwest to visit Brian.  It was nice to celebrate Easter again with my family.

My mom and I labored the day before on two pies (apple and strawberry- sadly rhubarb wasn't in the stores yet).  Then on Sunday we went to my sister's.  It was really wonderful to see my nieces and nephews again.  Lindsey has entered a cuddly stage, and I was more than happy to oblige.  Emily is becoming quite the little lady, and the boys have grown these adorable tufts of hair... so cute.  I really could have kidnapped them all and taken them back here.  But alas, we have no room for them.

Easter Sunday was truly a great day... until a scare sent my mom to the ER later that night.  At about 10:30, my mom's back pains (which she thought just were back pains) became excruciating, and so we decided to head for the ER, with minds full of fears.  I guess back pains can indicate a heart attack, so I was whispering unintelligible, two or three word prayers to God the entire ride to the hospital.  "God, help!"  "Lord, heal her." Brian, bless his heart, did a great job speedily navigating my mother's vehicle on the dark streets that he is unfamiliar with.  I was too nervous and so glad he was there to drive.

As it turned out, my mom had a gall stone.  She was released several hours later after receiving pain meds, and I think we were all safely in bed by three.  She may still need surgery, but she is still going through some testing.

It was so difficult watching my mom in that much pain, but I was so thankful to be there with her and that it happened when we were home with her.  Isn't God good?

But, I'm getting a little tired of my trips home involving hospital visits.  It seems like everyone was healthy before I left.  I moved away and my first visit home was to see my dad in the hospital on the brink of triple bypass.  Then this happened with my mom.  When I say that I am tired, I merely mean that I hate watching my parents get older.  It makes me realize they will not be around forever, a thought I'd care not to think at all, but must.

This visit home hit me hard.  I'm not sure what it was- perhaps it was because my mom had to go to the ER- I really don't know, but I cried when we left.  As we were pulling away, my niece Emily was at the door, waving until she could see us no more.  When I blew a kiss, she blew one back, and I looked at her and she looked at us until our car turned the corner.  I think it is just a combination of things- feeling like I'm always missing something now- that made me lose it.  And lose it I did.  Brian held my hand and comforted me; you would have thought I was leaving home for the first time.

I love my husband dearly, and I would follow him anywhere.  He is my partner for life.  But I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel the pain of being separated from my family.

Me and my cutie nephews.  Looking at the picture, I'm not sure which one is which, though I can tell them apart in person.  I went just about weak in the knees to see them in their matching sweater vests.  

My girls are growing up too fast.

Uncle Brian was coerced into playing hopscotch. (That's my lovely sister in the background- not me.  I guess to some we can look alike at times.)

Before we left, Lindsey found Uncle Brian's shirt to be a great place to put her stickers.

They remained there throughout the drive home.

Too Cute

Today is my niece Lindsey's birthday.  She is three today.  I hadn't planned to write about her birthday, but since this just happened, I thought it was too cute to not include here.

I called my sister's house so I could speak to Lindsey and wish her a happy birthday.  My brother-in-law called her over, saying, "Aunt Courtney wants to say hi to you."  Lindsey, so precious, got on the phone and said to me, "Happy Birthday, Aunt Courtney!"

I don't think she understands how this birthday thing works yet.

Too cute.

I love my nieces and nephews dearly.  It has been hard for me to live away from them, because they are so much a part of my life.  There has been a little hole in my heart since moving away.

Here's a picture of us that was taken in the summer before I got married.  It sits now next to Lindsey's bed.

Happy Birthday, Linds!

Ways I Save Money

I am a cheapskate.  Call me Ebenezer Scrooge if you like, but I like to keep my hard-earned pennies (or Brian's hard-earned pennies).  I don't mind being known as a frugal fanatic.

We are called to be good stewards of all the God has given us.  Brian and I try to be very careful with our dollars.  We routinely have budget meetings once a month, where we look at our spending in the last month, and we plan our spending for the next month.  Brian is a faithful follower and quite knowledgeable in regards to Dave Ramsey's financial instructions, and we follow his guidelines.  As a newly married couple, it's been great to get off to a healthy start.

While I'm no expert, I do have some ways that I save money.  I'm not a parent yet, and I'm sure some moms of five or six children are experts in saving money.  But, I'm thankful for this time, before we have little ones, to learn how to save money.  I will be prepared.

Here are some ways that I save:

• When it comes to shopping in department stores, I suggest knowing a store well.  Know their sales and their coupon system, and know the general layout of the store and where they have clearance items.  Sometimes it is in the most random of locations.  I shop clearance WHENEVER possible, whether it be for apparel or for home items.  Be prepared to take your time, and look all around so you can find those hidden gems on clearance.  When I was home for Christmas, I went shopping with my mom (on my home turf, where it is most familiar!), and we found decorative pillows on clearance for $1.99 at Boscovs.  We weren't even looking for them, but what a score!  I have COUNTLESS stories like this.  I'm an expert at getting clothes on clearance, and while I've never gone thrift shopping, the prices of my purchases come pretty close.  (One thing I like to do, is wait until I have a 30% Kohl's coupon, and then see what the clearance rack has.  I usually don't get any clearance item that isn't 80 or 90% off at Kohl's.  Combine it with the coupon, and I'm good to go!)
• This goes without saying, but clipping coupons is key.  We buy the Sunday paper at the dollar store, so we save a dollar when we buy it, and we get all the coupons, therefore, the paper pays for itself.  I then try to combine the coupons with a store sale or wherever I know I can get the cheapest price.  (For groceries, I go mainly to ShopRite in NJ, but I also get some things I know are cheaper at Walmart in PA.)  I actually live right across the street from a grocery store, but I rarely go there because they're rather pricey.
• I plan my meals in advance and know exactly what I am cooking and what I need to purchase for the week.  It takes the guesswork out of shopping, and I don't wander the aisles wondering what to get. Because of this, I also waste very little food.  When I plan my meals, I try only to buy two meat items a week, because they are expensive, and other nights I have pasta or rice dishes.
• I'm trying to make more of my favorite items at home.  I am proud to say I have not stepped foot into Dunkin Donuts (or any other coffee shop) since December.  I love lattes, but those couple of dollars spent each time really add up.  I now make my own lattes at home.  I don't have any fancy machine, just a stove and a microwave, so they're not quite as good, but they are good enough for me.  I also plan on making my own frappuccinos as the weather gets warmer.
• I probably would have never tried this a year ago, but I am now cutting my own bangs.  I like my bangs, and Brian does, too, but they grow like weeds.  Earlier this week, they were completely hanging down over my eyes.  (Not a pretty sight.)  I always get nervous cutting my bangs, because they are right there on my forehead and I can't very well hide it if I butcher them.  I can't even cut wrapping paper in a straight line.  But, in the name of saving money, I do it anyway.  And you know what?  They don't come out looking too bad.  It saves me at least $5 a month.  (I can't cut the rest of my hair, though.  I wish I could and save more money.)
• I take the time to hunt for the best deal, whatever it is, and I'm not afraid of returns!  I am the return queen, because often I buy something, only to find a better deal later.  I always keep my receipts for this reason.  I have saved quite a bit of money by doing this.  I also take the time to research items.  Perhaps an item might be cheaper, but this other item is a bit more money and is better quality, therefore my money is best spent in that direction.
• I keep looking for more ways to save.  I am currently looking into making my own laundry detergent.  I've found a "recipe" online, and it doesn't look hard at all!  What have I got to lose?

Those are just a few of the ways I am able to save at this season of life.  I'll look into further ways when we own our own home, and of course, when we have children.  Brian does not like shopping (at all), and I think I drive him crazy as I scan the shelves and compare products to see which one is cheapest.  Even though he hates waiting there, he appreciates my taking the time to save a few dollars.

And, if I ever buy anything for myself (such as clothes) I always tell him!  I never hide it, and I think that's the worst thing when people feel like they need to hide their purchases from their spouses.  I report it to him and tell him that if he wants me to return it, I will do so.  Last month, I bought a cute dress at T.J. Maxx for $3.  He didn't make me return it.

Now, our biggest challenge is house hunting, which we'll be starting soon.  We're praying for a bargain!  We'll see what happens!

Keeping House

I'm glad I grew up in a decade before technology had the ability to take over one's life.  When I was a child, I could still use my own imagination without relying on such things as touch screens, phones that talk back, and DVDs in the backseat of the car while on road trips.  (While in the backseat of the car, cramped between my older brother and sister, I would watch the wiper blides go back and forth, and I observed the patterns of the raindrops as they streamed down the window.  I was content.)

During the simplicity of childhood, I could be easily entertained.  I remember my sister and I, along with my neighbors, playing very simple games.  We didn't need much but our imagination.  Those games usually involved pretending to be an adult in one context or another, and I think I can finally say I've truly lived all those pretend games.

We played house, we played store, we had pretend weddings, and we may have even played school. My first two jobs in high school and college, I no longer played store, I lived it.  Oh, how I disliked it! It was much better when we pretended as children.  I became a teacher, and taught for six years, one year even in Europe, and it was harder than I had ever imagined.  I got married last August :), and that was better than any pretending.  And now I'm finally keeping house.

I'm sure people think I have an easy life right now.  I don't have children yet and I am merely taking care of my husband and my home.  I would have to agree that, yes, this period is much easier than times behind me, and I can guess the years before me.  That doesn't mean this period isn't any less important.  I believe that God is letting me relax from all the years of hard work, and at the same time, preparing me for what's to come.  I am using this time to develop better domestic skills and find my worth not in what I do, but simply in who I am.

I know that people do wonder what I do, and believe it or not, I do stay quite busy.  Just as in those days we played house, and I may have swept the deck to undergo the pretense of doing chores, I have plenty of daily household tasks that take center stage.  Some are harder here simply due to our lack of appropriate major appliances.

I have a love/hate relationship with doing laundry (only here, not under normal circumstances).  Brian lived in this apartment for five years before we married, and he didn't have a washing machine.  I was almost in despair upon marriage about having to go to the dreaded laundromat every time I wanted to wash something. In fact, we did go to the laundromat a couple of weeks after our honeymoon, and yikes, the total cost was around twenty-four dollars!  We knew that was like throwing money away, so we ended up purchasing a portable washing machine.

This little guy is my best friend.  He doesn't hold much, and I have to do small loads frequently, but at least I don't have to run to the laundromat every week.  (I couldn't take it because we've got a steep staircase up to our apartment.)

Next is our dryer, which really isn't ours, but our neighbor kindly loaned it to us.  It, too, is a small, portable machine.

I only use it one day a week, and that is to dry my sheets.  I do that every Friday, and it takes almost all day to get my sheets done from start to finish.  One of the reasons I only use it one day a week is because if we do anything else while it is on, like vacuum, or even use a hair dryer or iron, the fuse blows and we have to call our poor neighbor below us to deal with the circuit breaker.  So I hang our clothes to dry on our two drying racks, but it is tricky because I can't wash too much at once, or else there's no room to hang it.

(The shower makes a great place to dry Brian's shirts.)

Now on to washing dishes.  We do, in fact, have a dishwasher, but it, too is a portable machine, and it hooks into the kitchen faucet, so I can't use the sink when the dishwasher is running.  It takes so long, about two hours start to finish, and it doesn't do the best job, so I find that most of the time, it is more simple to wash dishes by hand.

It seems as though I am forever trying to organize this place.  Our humble home is small, and it is a bit too small for two people.  Many of my things are still in boxes because there's nowhere to unpack them, and it leaves me feeling a bit unsettled.  I am constantly trying to rearrange or reorganize, only to feel like I'm not really getting anything done.  It's the worst feeling, but I have to put up with it until we get a bigger place.  Some things do get accomplished in my efforts, but not as much as I would wish.  Right now I'm attempting to reorganize my husband's clothes, so we'll see how that goes. ;)

That is just a sample of the things I do and how I manage each day.  It's not always easy, and when I go home for a visit, my mom's washing machine seems enormous in comparison to mine. These little inconveniences may be annoying at times, but I am still grateful for God's many blessings and provisions.  I am glad to no longer be playing house, but living it, with all the good and the bad.  And yes, it is harder than I imagined as a child.  How did my mom make it look so easy? Lord willing, in time, I'll make it look easy to my future children, even though you and I will know the truth.

It'll be our secret. :)

Wedding Bands and Blog Title

I thought it would be a good thing to explain our blog title.  It comes from the Bible, of course, but it also comes straight from our wedding bands.

Brian and I picked out our wedding bands last July.  He wanted to go to the same place where he got my engagement ring.  I knew that my husband wanted matching rings, and I liked that idea, too, but as a female, I wanted to examine all my options.  I remember first thinking it would be nice to have a band with diamonds.  As the salesperson was telling us that when the ring is worn without the engagement ring, it is nice to have some diamonds on it.  I thought that might be true, for about two seconds.

There is something so lovely about a plain, simple wedding band.  A circle with no embellishments, nothing at all to catch one's eye or even provoke a compliment.  As I tried on various wedding bands, there was something about the plain band which spoke to me of what marriage really is.  I think marriage is more about the simplicity of the everyday routine than the occasional candlelight dinner or walk at sunset.  Marriage is seeing someone when they first wake up in the wee hours of the morning, without any help from cosmetics, hair products, or even a toothbrush.  Marriage is seeing the person you have chosen to cleave to in their worst moments.  We may hide our faults before others, but can we hide the yuckiest parts of our hearts from our mate?  Someone wise once told me that marriage is like looking in a mirror, for it is in that relationship that we truly see who we are.

In that moment, standing at the counter in the jewelry store, I may not have thought of all of this as clearly as I am writing it now, but I did think for a brief moment that a plain band reflected just what the marriage relationship is:  a celebration of walking through life with the one you love during life's most mundane moments as well as the grand.  It's about loving someone with all their faults and allowing yourself to show yours, without putting on airs.

So Brian got his wish that day.  Our bands are plain, but they look alike, except for size, of course. :)  Then the salesman turned to us and asked what we wanted engraved on our rings.  We both looked at each other and realized the thought hadn't occurred to us at all!  Our nice salesman said we could get back to him in a few days while we decided.

It didn't take us long.  We already had this verse on our wedding program, and we thought it would be appropriate on our rings.  After all, why get married if either party is not better off than before?  I am better because Brian has qualities that I need and vice-versa.  We are better together than we are alone.  Christ molds and shapes us individually through the example of the other.  We extend grace and forgiveness to one another continuously, much like our Savior does for us every hour.

I'll leave you with a few words from Henry Van Dyke's poem, "A Mile With Me."

And who will walk a mile with me
Along life's weary way?
A friend whose heart has eyes to see
The stars shine out o'er the darkening lea,
And the quiet rest at the end o' the day,--
A friend who knows, and dares to say,
The brave, sweet words that cheer the way
Where he walks a mile with me.

With such a comrade, such a friend,
I fain would walk till journeys end...