Caleb: Six Months

Dear Caleb,

How is it that you are half a year old already?  I can scarcely believe it.  You have become so much more than my number one priority.  You have become my constant companion.  The life I lived before I had you seems like another life entirely.  I am a mother in the fullest sense of the word, for you are always in my utmost thoughts.

You are becoming quite a little person!  Daddy is having so much more fun with you now that you are getting bigger.  You like to grab at just about everything, and woe is me if I have not yet put my hair back for the day!  I have forbidden myself from wearing necklaces and long earrings, too!  You are so interactive and you love to laugh, and I think I'm starting to find that you are a little ticklish. Your blue eyes are sure to get great compliments wherever we go, but I never tire of hearing it.

I cherish these days with you, knowing that I am the favorite person in your world.  Countless times a day, I will look at you when in your exersaucer to find you staring at me, when I think you are occupied with some toy.  It brings a smile to my face to see you look for me, even if I'm all the way over at the sink doing dishes.  Someday another woman will replace me, but that is a long, long time away.  For today, I relish being the number one woman in your life.

Tomorrow, you will get your first taste of solid food, and your daddy and I are so excited!  What a milestone in your young life!  But don't worry.  Mama's 24-hour milk stand will still be open for you.

My sweet boy, I can't really describe what you mean to me.  Your daddy and I are head-over-heels in love with you, and while we hate waving goodbye to these early baby months, we are so excited for the future.  For Thanksgiving this year, your very first, you are of course the thing for which we are most grateful.  You are by far the best gift we've received this year- the greatest blessing in our lives. You have given my life an even deeper purpose, and I throw myself into it, wholeheartedly.

I love you, my Caleb-Bear!  You've made this Mama Bear very, very happy!

Love,
Mommy

"He's All Boy"

Before I had a baby, I never missed church, except in the case of travel.  Brian and I were faithfully attending our little church where Brian leads worship.

Then I had Caleb.  Of course I didn't drag him out when he was a wee newborn, but I started bringing him with us when he was beyond those early weeks.  In the beginning, I missed bits of pieces of the service depending on when he needed to eat.  In those days, Caleb spent quite a while nursing. There was one service that he slept peacefully the entire time in his car seat carrier right beside me. Bliss.  Though it was difficult, I could usually experience some of church, at least.

But no baby stays the same size for long.  My little boy began to get bigger, and sitting and holding him on my lap just wasn't happening.  He can tolerate worship for a bit, but then, he just wants to GO!  I have threatened to Brian after climbing into the car, for several weeks in a row, "That's it!  I'm done!  No more church for me!  I don't hear the sermon anyway!"  The truth is, I'd leave church more exhausted from trying to entertain/hold back/keep occupied my dear little boy in one hour of church service than a day by myself at home leaves me.

So this past Sunday, Caleb began showing all the routine signs of "I'm done, mama.  I've had enough" when worship wasn't even over.  I grabbed my tithe, handed it to one of the collectors (Brian is up front during worship), and I took my purse and diaper bag, and out I went.  I went downstairs to the all-purpose room, with no plan, really, except to get out and let these people worship in peace. When I entered the room, there were two sweet older ladies sitting there and watching the service on the television.  (It isn't always on, but it was today, and I thought, "Great!")  When they saw me, one of the sweet ladies commented while watching him ready to jump out of my arms, "You look so small holding him.  He's all boy.  He's got two arms and two legs, and he wants to use them.  So put him down on a blanket and let him go."  So that is what I did!

I felt encouraged with these ladies.  Before we parted, they reminded me that right now, I may be missing out, but it won't last forever.  Right now, this is what he needs, but one day, he'll sit quietly with a book in the pew.  I wasn't so terribly exhausted when I left, and I felt better about the whole thing.  I know that my run-in with those ladies was no mistake, and it was exactly what I needed.

*Note:  Our church is rather small, and we don't have a nursery.  There is a nursery room, but not a specific nursery time for babies.  That's okay by me.  Even if there were nursery workers for Caleb, I feel that he is my responsibility.  That's much the same way I feel about babysitters.  Where I go, Caleb goes.

Sore Arm and Clean Floors

It is no secret that I am a weakling.  I've always been slightly in awe of mothers who are able to carry two, or even three children at once.  My own sister can carry her twins, one in each arm, at the same time, and they are 2 years old.  (Truth be told, my sister was always a lot tougher than I. There were a couple of people who tried to mess with her in middle school, and let's just say she stood up for herself, and they never bothered her again.  Me- I used to let people walk all over me.)

People kept telling me that your muscles develop as your child grows.  Sounds pretty logical to me. Caleb, however, has grown very fast, and my poor arm hasn't had time to keep up.

I have taken to wearing an Ace support bandage at times of terrible soreness, because my arm hurts in three places.  It isn't the muscles.  It's the ligaments.  I might be right-handed, but I am more comfortable carrying my baby in my left arm so that my right arm is free to stir the pot on the stove, or what have you.  While my right arm is of course stronger, he just feels like he belongs in my left arm.  It's always been that way for years, even when holding other people's babies.

So when Caleb is fussy, and I mean, late evening- before bedtime fussy, sometimes the only thing to do is carry him around with me, so he can watch whatever it is I am doing.  It calms him, but unfortunately, my arm has endured the poorer end of the bargain.  I told Brian just last week that I doubt if my arm will ever be the same again.  Just trying to hold my arm straight out brings considerable pain.  

The things we do for our babies.  Caleb has been a fussy sleeper for quite some time.  It didn't start out that way, but it seems that once September hit, he became less and less enamored with sleep. I've tried different tricks, like taking him out in the car, but that isn't always possible.  Lately, the vacuum has seemed to be a calming background sound for him, and it usually, like 99% of the time, causes him to go to sleep.  I hate to waste the electricity, so I do, in fact, vacuum a little bit each time I have it on for him.  Let's just say I have pretty clean floors right now.

I know I recently posted a photo of Caleb in this outfit, but I discovered that these booties that once belonged to my sister's kids, paired delightfully with it.  He looks like my little Christmas elf, though I doubt this outfit will still fit him at Christmas.

Navigating This Whole New World

In two days, it will be November 1st.  The fast approach of that day is reminding me that Christmas shopping season will soon be in full swing.  And this year is a year unlike any other.

Because we have a son.

(The sentence fragment is for emphasis only.)

I've started to take a peek at the toy departments.  Yikes.  There's a lot of stuff, and I'm totally overwhelmed.

Brian and I have four nieces and and three nephews from ages 13 to 2, so I've done my share of picking out toys.  However, it is entirely another matter of deciding what toys your own child will have, and how many.

We are adamant about not buying too much, yet it is our son, and it is Christmas, so we'd rather do more than hand him a lump of coal.  We know that at this age, he'll quickly outgrow toys, but at the same time, some fun, learning toys will help stimulate his mind.  We are also firm believers that less is more.  We'd rather not overwhelm him with too much, thus creating an ADD-like complex that is never happy with any same thing for more than five minutes.

So I'm taking small steps into this.  I bought him a first words book, and a monkey that he smiled at in the store when he was terribly fussy one day.  I'm also preparing to buy him a puppy that sings and talks and tells you about body parts, colors, etc.  (My sister's kids had this and loved it.)  After that, I simply don't know.

All I do know is this:  I'll be very selective when making purchases.  Perhaps one day Brian and I can go pick a few things out together so I'm not making the decisions alone.  The bonus is that at this age, we can do all of our shopping right in front of Caleb, and he won't be the wiser.  That's a very good thing, considering we have no choice but to bring him with us.

In all seriousness, I am so excited about Caleb's first Christmas.  I realize that all he'll care about is the paper and a cardboard box or two.  But for his mommy and daddy, this is probably one of the most exciting Christmases that we will ever have, because it is our first child's first Christmas- our first Christmas as parents.  We plan to enjoy every minute, because we can never get that back again.  I can't wait!

Little Jailbird

Is there anything cuter than a baby in stripes?  The words of Elvis Presley come to mind... "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see."  Lock me up with this little boy and I'll be happy!  (Yes, I know the words to many Elvis Presley songs as a result of having not one, but two parents who enjoyed his music.  Don't even get me started on Bon Jovi, the music of whom my once-teenaged older brother blasted through his bedroom walls when I was just a little girl.)

This was one of many outfits purchased by my mother who can't seem to resist passing through the baby department whenever she's in the store.  Good thing, too, because I don't get to the stores much.  Caleb is already moving up to his 9-month size clothing because he's such a big boy.

Some highlights this week that are certainly worth mentioning:  Caleb has successfully (as of yesterday) completed the full turn from back to tummy to back again.  He also has managed to get his foot into his mouth.  He was close for a while, but he finally got it a few days ago.  He's also able to stay propped on his elbows for longer lengths of time.  I just started putting him in his bouncy chair, and while he needs some blankets to give him some support, he is enjoying it.

Sleeping is still a chore.  I struggle to get him to sleep in his crib and many times just use the swing, because the movement helps him.  The car is a wonder.  There have been times I've taken a drive down the street for a coffee just to enjoy the effects of smooth car ride on a boy who fights sleep like it's his worst nemesis.  (I often say to Caleb- "Wait until your an adult.  You'll be begging for nap time.")

I love my dear boy and he brings a smile to my face many times throughout the day.  When I walked into my orthodontist appointment the other day, with Caleb in my arms, the nurses and receptionist who all happened to be lined up in the foyer could not help but GUSH at the little cutie.  One nurse got to hold him while I got checked out, and I think she was a little reluctant to return him.  I still pinch myself.  He's really mine!

Though motherhood is the hardest job I've ever had (and I've had many:  legal secretary, financial aid adviser, teacher to name a few), this is definitely the hardest, but it is by far the most rewarding. The days may be long, there's no time off, and my own needs often go on the back burner.  Caleb's smiles, however, make every bit of it worthwhile.

Home

I've lived in PA for two years now, but I still refer to my old stomping grounds in NJ as "back home".

We went there this past weekend for a quick visit, so quick that I didn't have time to see some dear friends. I had only time to see my family, and my sister would probably tell you it wasn't enough. Caleb finally got to meet my brother, too.

There is something so special for me about going home, especially now that I'm a mom.  It was pretty neat to take Caleb home for the first time, and he, Brian, and I slept in my old bedroom.  I was trying to picture what the single me would have thought if she could have seen into the future.  I'm sure she would have been happy. :)

When I go back home, I feel so at peace, and I always feel so cared for and loved.  My parents go out of the way to make sure we are well fed.  (My dad is 100% Italian, and it is a sin to let anyone go hungry on his watch.)  My mom, I'm not too embarrassed to say, even did a little bit of laundry for me.  (Okay, so my big old comforter won't fit into my machine here, and it does fit in hers, and I'd simply rather bring it there than the laundromat.  Ick.)

Enough getting off topic here.  Here in PA, I'm the one who takes care of my husband and my son, but back home, I receive a little TLC myself.  When I walk through the doors of my former home, I am flooded with memories of my working days, coming home from work with mountains of papers to grade.  It was there that I found peace after the crazy hours at school.  It was there that Brian came to visit me during our long-distance courtship, where I waited for him on Friday nights with a hot meal ready after his two-and-a-half hour drive (though on Friday nights it was usually more due to the horrific traffic).  (Don't worry; he always slept on the living room couch.  My mom's late-night insomnia made for an excellent chaperone.)

I won't deny that I get lonely here.  I'll even venture to say that I feel more lonely now than I did before I had a baby.  Sounds strange, right?  Perhaps I don't fully comprehend it, but I shared those thoughts with my sister and she understood.  I am so isolated here at times.  This is not a complaint- just an honest confession.  I love my son, and I wouldn't trade him for a thousand friends. I know that this, too, shall pass, and I find myself lately repeating Jesus' words in my head.  "Never will I leave you nor forsake you."  Though I may feel alone, I know I'm not.

All this to say that going home, though difficult at times with a baby, was a bit of fresh air for the parts of my heart that feel as though they've been shut up for a while.  I'm glad to be home again, here in PA, but oh, I do miss my family and my NJ terribly.

Caleb: Five Months

Dear Caleb,

Almost everyone who sees you these days comments on either one (or more) of the following three things:  1) how handsome you are 2) how big you are or 3) what gorgeous blue eyes you have.

In all truthfulness, 1 and 3 pretty much speak for themselves.  As far as number 2, we found out last month that your height is in the 99th percentile.  You are growing so fast and I can hardly keep you in the same size clothing for too long.

You have started to roll over on your left side now, but you don't do that too often.  You aren't yet able to put your foot into your mouth, but you are getting awfully close!

This will be your last month of a purely breast-fed diet.  Next month I'll start you on solids, and I feel like I really need to savor this last month of being your sole food provider.  Of course I'll still be nursing you, probably just as much as I already do, but there is a little bit of sadness at the thought that you are growing all too quickly and Mama won't always have everything that you need.

You are my treasure.  I know that I'm not the best mother, nor the best wife, nor the best person on the planet.  But I do know one thing:  God must think I'm something special, because He gave me you.

I love you, my Caleb Bear!  Boy, oh, boy, I do!

Love,
Your Mama

*Will update to include a photo.  We were traveling today and while I took some photos of Caleb, none of them are blog worthy.

**I'm finally updating with a photo eleven days later.  These were taken a day after his five month birthday.