Ready Or Not

This is the hardest time of pregnancy, for sure and for certain.  Wondering, waiting, and wondering some more.  Is this twinge or that cramp the start of something?

So, I have two due dates for this pregnancy.  One, the main one, based on my cycle, and the other, based on my first dating ultrasound.  The dating ultrasound put our little girl's due date six days earlier than the one based on my cycle.  In all of my ultrasounds, she's always been a little ahead of the game as far as weight, so perhaps the dating ultrasound due date is more accurate.

However, none of that is important to me, which is why I won't bother writing those dates here.  Both of my boys were eight days late, so I don't put much stock in due dates.  Caleb was seven days late when I was induced, and he was born the next day.  Silas was eight days late all on his own.

I truly hope to not be that late.  I really don't want to reach 41 weeks.  My body has already shown a couple of signs of getting ready for labor, so we shall see.  I don't want her to come this week, as I am only 37 weeks, and there are still some final touches of development in the brain.  If I had to choose, I wouldn't mind 39 weeks.

But, absolutely none of this is in my control and it is out of my hands!  We have readied the house, cleaned, decluttered, and prepared baby items for our girl, and done whatever we possibly can!  We bought a new car the very end of November, because neither of our cars held three car seats.  We made space in the corner of our room for baby clothes and other items, because this girl won't be getting her own room until we move some time in the future.

All I am doing now is continuing to keep up with my chores and daily baking, cooking, and cleaning.  I am drinking plenty of water to make sure there is enough amniotic fluid, and I am gulping down Raspberry Leaf tea and capsules, which help prepare the uterus for labor.  Mentally, I am trying to focus my mind on the great pain that awaits.  Brian is preparing to take a paternity leave at work.  Our hospital bags are packed, except for the last-minute toiletry items, and I made a list of those in case I completely forget my senses in a moment of panic while getting ready to head out.

This pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly, overall.  I have felt just fine, for the most part.  Any pregnant woman can complain of aches and pains, and I am no different.  There's been nothing over the top, though.  With Caleb, I fell once while pregnant.  With Silas, I fell twice.  So far- no falls!  Watch, now that I've said that, I'll fall three times in the next hour!  I had a very dramatic, slow-motion stumble down the front steps one day, that kept on going and going until I landed near the car, and while I came close to spraining my ankle, I came out unscathed.  So praise God!

I've had to wear Brian's old winter coat, since I can actually zip his over my belly, and let me tell you how pretty I feel in that thing.  Pregnancy is no time for vanity, however.  I am wearing my sister's old maternity clothes, and many of the items are 13 years old, and they look it!  But they have served us through 7 pregnancies now, and they are soon getting ready to retire for good.  And I will gain an empty trunk that I can fill with other things.  Yay!

So here we are... just waiting.  Dreaming of our baby girl's face, fingers, and toes.  Still in shock that this is actually happening.  Standing on the brink of our family changing once again.  Wondering how it is all going to look over the next few months, how the routines will change, how the boys will adjust.

Waiting for all my fears to fade as I behold our sweet little girl's face for the first time and I snuggle her close to me.  She's worth it.  I already know it.  Without a doubt.

We love you, baby girl!

Letters To My Children

Dearest Caleb,

I still remember the exact moment we first made eye contact.  I had just learned that you were a boy, only a few moments before, and then you were promptly handed to me.  We had only settled on your name at the end of my pregnancy, but it was ready in my heart and on my lips.  As they passed you to me, your eyes were looking right at mine.  I held you close and said, "Caleb".

You, dearest boy, asked me for a little sister, months before we thought such a thing was possible.  A little girl had been on our hearts for years, but we thought it was a dream that needed to be buried.  God has His ways of speaking to us, and I believe He started that day when He prompted your request.

I am so excited to see what this next stage in our family will mean for you.  Sure, you are already a big brother.  There are times you look out for Silas.  But you were still so small when he was born.  This will be different.  I believe that all that is good and protective in you will rise to the forefront.  You already love your sister.  I know you are going to watch her every move and facial expressions.  In the beginning, there may not be a whole lot for you to do, but just you wait.  In time, you'll be fetching her toys and chasing after her when she crawls.  I trust you to be an extra set of eyes for me.  I know you are up for the task, and I KNOW that being a big, big brother, is going to bring out some awesome things in you.

I can't wait for you to meet your long-awaited baby sister.  You asked for her, sweet boy.  I'm so glad you get to see God answer your request.

I love you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Silas Lover-Boy,

Oh, my little man!  Ever since you were old enough to return smiles, you have gazed at me like I am the sun, the moon, and the stars combined.  I have many nicknames for you, but one of them is "Lover".  That is what you are: my little boy lover.

This is going to be a big change for you.  You are used to having me to yourself and as much as you want.  You may spend less time on my lap than when you were smaller, but you still take delight in snuggling with me any time you feel like it or hurtling yourself toward me at full speed the moment I sit down.  (Many times I have had to cover my belly when seeing you approach!)

I have tried to tell you about the baby in my belly.  You have laid your head on my belly so many times I am sure our baby girl is familiar with your voice.  But do you understand what is coming?  Do you know that the cycle of this household will completely change, and that you, my darling boy, are not going to be the baby any more?

I don't know.  Sometimes you seem to not understand many things at all, but then, all of the sudden, you shock us with something that seems like hidden genius.  You just did this last week!

In any case, whether you know it or not, change is coming.  Breakfast might not be put on the table as early as it always is.  And my arms are going to be more full.  I want to assure you that I will ALWAYS be there for you.  I know how much you need snuggle time with me.  You need to be in my face and feel my breath and bury your face into my neck.  I will still be there for you.  I'm not abandoning you.  Yes, your little sister will be in my arms and in my lap, but you will always be loved.  I will make sure I put aside time for just us.

I know it will take some time for you to get used to this new creature that is coming.  You might be jealous.  You might wonder when she's going to pack up her things and leave.  But I prayed that this baby would be a "good thing" for both you and Caleb, and though we might have our initial bumps in the road, I believe that she will bring out the best in you, even if it takes a while.

I'm not going anywhere.  Things might change, my love, but your mama will always love you, and I'll always be here.  After all, I need your snuggles as much as you need mine.

I love you.

Love,
Mama

Dearest Darling Girl,

Words at times can fail us.  This is one of those times.  As I pause here for a moment, in these last few weeks of my pregnancy, on the threshold of meeting you, I am in awe.

One year ago, we had no idea what would await us this year.  We were throwing baby things out thinking for sure that phase was over and gone.

Daddy and I have been calling you by your name for years, often using your first and middle names together.  I picked out your name years ago, before I had ever met Daddy, and God told me I'd have a girl with your name.  I remember the exact moment.  I won't ever forget it, because God doesn't typically stop and get my attention quite like that.

When Daddy and I got married, we were a little older.  I had thought we'd only squeeze in two children.  After Silas was born, we figured that was it.  I must have been wrong all those years ago when I thought I heard God speak to me.  When seizures began to attack me, and the boys seemed to get worse, and of course I just got older, it seemed like an impossible dream.

And yet, and yet... we could not completely forget you.  Daddy and I would talk about you to the point where you just seemed like a real person.  We were waiting for you, even though we didn't see how it would ever happen.

Here we are, weeks away from finally meeting you.  Dear girl, you are loved and have been loved long before you were a seed in my belly.  Your Daddy is so excited to have a little girl of his very own, and I am watering right now at just that thought alone.  You have made him so happy!  I am thrilled, too.  I am so close to my own mother.  She is so much more than my mother, but she is also a very dear friend at this point in my life.  I hope and pray that we will be close.  I already dream of things like going shopping together and baking cookies on a snowy day while Daddy and your brothers are out shoveling.  I look forward to teaching you about being a lady and what godly femininity is, how to dress modestly, and how to keep yourself pure.  You can bet your boots that Daddy will be standing at the door with a shotgun when any guy comes a-knockin', and I will be happy to share with you how to guard your heart and wait for that right man to come.

Your Daddy was that good man for me.  Oh, he's gonna love you so much!  He's already dreaming about Daddy-Daughter dates.  He's going to affirm you and tell you how special you are and no one's opinion is going to matter more than his, until the day he gives you away at a glorious altar wearing a beautiful gown of white.  You're his little girl, and you can rest assured he's going to protect you with all that he is.

As I write, the words are getting blurry on the screen.  I might be terrified at what's to come:  a newborn baby, and middle of the night feeds and changes, along with two rowdy and crazy boys who are up long before dawn.  But I am also in awe of what God has done and is doing, right this very moment.

I have enjoyed and savored this pregnancy.  I haven't been in a rush for it to end.  Sure, I miss my regular clothes and I can't wait to not have to use the restroom so much.  The aches and pains are getting worse this late in the game, and I sure won't miss those either.

I have enjoyed your stay inside of me.  This is the last time I will experience a child in my womb, and I will be sad to see it end.   But oh, I won't be sad for too long.  You'll be in our arms!

We'll see you soon, sweetheart.  Stay tight until then.

I love you.

Love,
Mama

33 Weeks

Here is my little bowling ball at 33 weeks!  I got a hair cut, and, this is newsworthy folks, a BLOW-DRY!  Of course, we had to take a photo.  Normally I go to Supercuts for a haircut (cheaper!), but the wait time there has gotten ridiculous.  And no, before you offer some advice, I cannot check in ahead of time because my phone doesn't have internet when I leave the house, and if we are out running errands, I have no idea when I'll make it there.  (Yes, we still live in the dark ages.)

So I opted to go to a hair salon down the road, and since it is December and not July, I paid for the extra blow-dry.  At $36 (with tip), this better be worth it!  It probably won't be repeated for another decade, at least.

It was nice, for a few minutes at least, to have someone take care of me for a change.  There are few things more soothing than someone brushing your hair, am I right?

Anyway, we are enjoying Brian's vacation, but don't think we're just relaxing.  We have been cleaning, decluttering, and cleaning some more in our efforts to get ready for baby.  While we have cleaned just about EVERYWHERE, some places are messy again:  Christmas gifts, boxes the gifts came in, mail we still need to sort through, Christmas wrap that needs to be put away, and who knows what else.  And when you have two little boys (or three, ahem, if you count the husband), things don't always stay neat.  (In all fairness to my hubby, he has been cleaning downstairs like madman.  I couldn't do it without him.)

On Monday, I'll be 34 weeks. so the new year will be rolling in with a mere 6 weeks to go.  Both of my boys were 8 days late.  Anything at all can happen, so I want to be ready for both early and late.  Brian has a school function coming up near the end of January, where he'll be taking the kids to a festival.  He is planning to have parent chaperones on hand, and alternate transportation (normally he drives them back to the school).  He simply cannot have people dependent upon him, just in case he gets an emergency phone call.

This is perhaps the hardest part of pregnancy.  It is the not knowing when to be ready, exactly.  When you live far from the hospital, it is even harder.

My prayers for all this to go smoothly get more intense as we get closer, and please God, let there be no snow!!

Five Stockings: Christmas 2019 and Anticipating 2020

(Please excuse the turned stocking.  We are waiting to put our daughter's name on the internet world until she is born.)  

Yes, we bought our daughter's stocking, even though she isn't here yet.  Well, what's a mama to do, when the stockings go on sale, and what if they stopped making them next year???  Of course, I had to buy it! 

We loved gazing at FIVE stockings on the shelf, and it brought such joy to our hearts.  This Christmas has been an unusual one.  Never before have I been this pregnant at Christmastime.  (I should have volunteered to play Mary in a Christmas program.)  My time had been split between getting ready for Christmas, nesting, nesting, and more nesting.  All day yesterday, as we celebrated, we were very aware of the daughter kicking away inside of me.  Caleb speaks of his sister and he can't wait for her arrival!  We were very aware that this was our last Christmas as a family of four.

Just the other day, I went out and bought some baby clothes for our girl for the very first time!  I had received some at my shower, but upon looking at what we had, I realized a few more things were needed for 0-3 months.  It was one thing to receive clothes as gifts, but it was another to go shopping myself.  Oh, my goodness, the choices!  There are endless possibilities for little girls.  It is almost overwhelming after shopping for only boys for 6 1/2 years! 

As the year wraps up, I am full of emotions.  Of course, we look forward to our girl's arrival.  But I would be lying if I said I didn't have a million fears.  We are at a difficult stage with Silas, and truth be told, there are moments I have no earthly idea how I am going to take care of a newborn with two boys who have developmental delays and behavioral issues. A newborn by themselves is fairly easy, other than the middle of the night feedings and changes.  Piece of cake!!!  But embarking on this next chapter of my life requires fortitude most days I doubt I possess. 

I cling only to the fact that I know it is God's will for this child to be here.  God had been speaking to us and knocking on the door of our hearts for quite some time, and He even used Caleb to speak to us.  I have absolutely no doubt that God has a purpose for her other than to give me more work to do! 

As the year ends and we put Christmas decorations away, we are turning our faces to the new year in a way we have never had to do before.  January will be full of last-minute prep.  I have seen two of my friends give birth three weeks early in the past year, so I have to be ready for any possibility.  I have already packed baby girl's diaper bag for the hospital.  I have looked over her things and carefully decided what we needed immediately, and made the purchases. 

At 33 weeks, I am feeling bigger than ever, and as I cleaned the bathroom this week, it was the first time I really felt that the everyday household chores are becoming a burden almost too great to bear.  I say "almost" because I won't quit.  Brian will vouch for me on that.  I am a beaver! 

We've had a lot of disappointments this past year.  In fact, the very night before I found out I was pregnant, we were at an Andrew Peterson concert.  If you know Brian, you know he has followed his unique music for years, and I have to say I really appreciate the stories his songs tell as well.  As we listened to him sing, there was a song about change.  There was so much in our lives never changing for the better.  We have prayed for a couple of years now for a new job for Brian.  We want to move out of this bear-filled area and be closer to civilization.  We have sought improvement for our boys both in terms of diet as well as a great deal of money spent on supplements and vitamins.  As we listened to the song, I grumbled in my heart, "Why doesn't anything change in our lives?"  I felt so STUCK.  I wasn't even thinking about pregnancy at that moment.  When I woke up the next day, I thought I might be pregnant, took a test, and our lives did change in a big way.  If you had asked me, I would have wanted the new job first, a bigger house, boys improving, and then maybe a baby would fit perfectly right after all of that.  Out of everything we ever prayed for this year, this baby girl was the major thing answered. 

Despite my fears and doubts about my own abilities, I love her.  She is wanted.  I look forward to seeing her sweet face for the first time.  We know that despite the work and the stress that will inevitably occur (after all, mom and dad will be forever outnumbered), this little girl is worth it all. And while my faith has been tested and challenged this year as it never has before, I cling to the fact that God knows what He is doing, even if I feel hopelessly lost. 

"Then Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?  Thou has the words of eternal life.'"~John 6:68

Baby Sprinkle

My sweet big sis and my dear mama threw me a baby sprinkle this past weekend!  It was truly lovely.  My sister is so clever when it comes to decorations.  My baby shower with Caleb was quite different, since we chose to be surprised with the gender.  It limits the decor a bit and everything is green and yellow.  It was so much fun seeing all the pink!

Since quite a few things I received before Caleb was born were hand-me-downs and have long since broken and been tossed, or Silas ripped some other things beyond repair, it was time for a small shower.  And since we still need to buy a car that can fit three kids with car seats, we truly needed help!  I was so grateful for the gifts we received, but more than that, I was grateful to see family and old, dear friends of mine I haven't seen in years!

When I sat down to open my first gift, I could see it was clothes peeking through the tissue paper.  I felt a long pause in my heart before I continued opening.  The significance of this moment was not lost on me.  I was going to see my baby girl's first clothes!  I was not disappointed!  Plenty of pink, flowers, and a onesie that said, "Daddy's Little Princess" and a tutu to boot!  I think I heard the whole room gasp in delight of the sweetness!

It was a beautiful shower, and I wish I had more photos.  The truth is that my camera turned on via travels and the battery was drained when I arrived.  I thought I plugged it in after arrival, only to find it got knocked out of the socket during the chaos of the shower.  My sister was so busy serving and preparing delicious food that she neglected to get many photos, too.

My sister out-did herself with everything.  Her family and mine both eat as healthfully as our budgets will allow, so I don't take for granted all the money my sister spent putting the food together.  She made delicious gluten-free cupcakes and anise cookies for dessert, and served a healthy sausage with potatoes and a chicken meatball soup.  All stuff I could eat, and my kids, too!

The boys had fun with their five cousins, whom they rarely get to see.  Brian and Uncle Rich took all the boys out for a bit, to get them away from the shower.  Silas did very well with his big girl cousins especially, who love to pretend Silas is chasing them, and he loves it too!

My sister purchased a decorative picture for me (seen up above), that says, "For This Child We Have Prayed".  It is so true when we think about our little girl.  We always believed we were supposed to have her, but as time went on and circumstances remained as they were, we started to give up hope.  God did quite a work to get us to the point to be open to pregnancy again, and in about three months or a little less than, we'll be holding our baby girl in our arms!

I'm so blessed to have had this sprinkle this past weekend, and I am grateful for all my mom and sis did for me, and for all those who celebrated with me!

Dolly

Well, hello.  Perhaps you'd like to meet the newest member of our family.  This is Dolly.

Last Sunday, I was at the store buying a few things for the Operation Christmas Child shoebox gift.  Last year, I chose a boy, because I am just so used to buying boy things, but this year, in honor of the baby girl we are waiting to hold in our arms, I decided to buy for a girl, age 2-4, the youngest age bracket you can choose.

I was looking at little dollies, and the only kind that I could find that would work well in a shoebox was this one here, along with her twin.  There were two dollies in the box.  I figured, well, we are having a girl in three months, so why not get the two?  It would not be a waste.

When I got home and started taking the dollies out of the box, both of my boys were ready to pounce on me and grab them from my hands.  Each had one before I could blink.  For little boys who are used to seeing trucks and cars, Paw Patrol toys, Lincoln Logs, and Legos galore, these dolls were foreign creatures.

I had to declare warnings (for Caleb mostly, since Silas doesn't understand) that we are giving one away, so let's not go crazy.  After Silas ripped the arm off the purple baby above, I quickly grabbed Caleb's unharmed pink doll and put her safely into the shoebox before she met some unfortunate fate too.  (I did manage to put the arm back in its socket, but alas, it is not the same.)

As I was putting Silas to bed that night, Caleb tucked Dolly into a Lincoln Log box and closed the lid, thinking to put her to bed.  When he reported this to me, I thought it was time for a lesson on how to care for a baby.  After all, he is going to have a little sister before we know it.  "Oh, no,"  I said,  "Get Dolly out of the box.  Let's tuck her in the car seat.  This can be her bed."

And so we did.  Caleb has been enjoying tucking Dolly into bed each night and getting her up in the morning.  Silas was fascinated by the fact that Dolly's eyes opened and closed whether she was laying down or upright.  However, do not fear.  They don't play with her throughout the day.  The newness has worn off.  For Caleb, I continue to use it as a lesson on how we can care for our own baby girl when she gets here.   I know Caleb will be a good big brother to his sister.  He notices EVERYTHING, and will report to me on every scrunch of face she makes, I have no doubt.

In church today, there was a baby girl two rows ahead.  I watched her and watched her, thinking of our own baby.  I still can hardly believe we are having another baby, let alone, a girl!  I'm enamored with pink sleepers and headbands, flowers and bows.  We still have so much to do, and I am working hard at home getting as many things ready as I can before the holidays hit.

Soon enough, these little feet that are kicking me constantly will be ours to enjoy! 

24 Weeks

I felt like it was time for me to pause (something this beaver doesn't do too often), and reflect on this pregnancy, and what it means to me.

I'm not in any hurry.  I'm 24 weeks and happy to be so.  It's funny how things change with each pregnancy.  With Caleb, I simply could not wait to be a mom.  I was counting down the weeks and they could not go fast enough.  

Even with Silas, I was pretty eager.  I was already a mom, but I will still excited to meet him and hold him and turn our family into a family of four.

Well, now things are a whole lot different.  I have two boys that are a handful and very needy.  Adding a newborn to the mix thrills and terrifies me at the same time.

But honestly, I know this is my last pregnancy.  I believed Silas was my last, but now I know with absolutely certainty that this is my last.  I am trying to enjoy the miracle for as long as possible.  A woman with child is a miracle.  God puts this little seed there, and in no time, it goes from looking like a tadpole to a human.  Each week brings changes.  That little human grows and develops and is able to feel pain and hear sounds.  Babies can make faces in the womb, and they are every bit alive as you and I.  To carry a child in my womb, in such a time when the fight for life is at stake, is an honor.  I am so tired of hearing about women's rights.  Perhaps that is a rant for another time and place, but a baby in utero is a life that has value.  

I know that in a year this will all be a memory.  Carrying our little girl, feeling her many kicks, knowing her very survival depends on my own, will all be in the past.  It is a beautiful thing.  For certain, it is awkward and uncomfortable.  Sleeping is difficult, as well as many other things.  The mere act of bending down to pick up a toy (and getting back up!) requires Herculean effort.  But I would not trade it.  

We still have a million things to do before this baby gets here (including upgrading to either a van or SUV so we can fit three car seats, as well as tearing apart our bedroom and finding whatever nooks and crannies to store this baby's clothes and things since she doesn't have a room).  I feel like I need more time, not less.  But besides that fact, I still want to enjoy it.  I don't want to complain over every ligament pain and the fact that the restroom is a constant need.  Sure, I may miss my regular clothes and drinking caffeine and not worrying about exceeding the recommended milligrams.  (Yes, I still have to be careful when nursing.)  But, this too shall pass.  Soon this little one will be in my arms, and I'll be marveling over the curve of her cheek and the softness of her skin.  I'll be delighted with how she scrunches her face and curls up her legs.  Right now, however, she's inside of me.  Something she will never be again.  Growing and thriving and being a very part of me.  It is a miracle.  I will enjoy the miracle, one we doubted we'd ever have, while she is there.  

So, little one, take your time.  You grow and get nourished and triple in size.  Fine tune your senses.  Put on a healthy weight.  Enjoy the sounds of Daddy's horn and your brothers being silly.  You can even hear me singing, though I can't say I have anything close to a good voice.  But perhaps you enjoy the lullaby I sing for Silas, the one that calms him when he is upset.

When you are ready, we will welcome you with wide open arms and plenty of kisses.  Be prepared for your Daddy to melt into a puddle when he holds you for the first time.  Get ready for lots of Daddy/daughter dances.  Caleb can't wait to meet his little sister!  I have been telling him all the ways he can love on you when you are born.  Silas still doesn't have a clue, and he might be downright jealous when you get here, so you are going to have to win him over with your sweetness.  Which I am sure you will!

We love you so much.  I am proud to carry you, and I will be proud to nurse you and to have you in my arms.  For now, for today, I am enjoying you being inside of me.  Snug and safe and warm.