I swear I was born in the wrong century. I am old-fashioned at heart, and I often find myself daydreaming of what it must have been like to live in another time period, the 1800's for example. I see myself wearing long, billowing skirts that flow in the breeze, a bonnet to keep the sun out of my face (goodbye big sunglasses!), and a cozy shawl on chilly days. I see myself keeping my home, baking all manner of homemade goodies, working in the garden, making dresses from scratch, etc. The list goes on. Was there anything a mother in this century couldn't do?
I love being a homemaker. In fact, nothing makes me happier. But I often find myself constrained by my lack of experience with certain duties. I grew up not on a farm nor a homestead nor anywhere close. I never had to gather the eggs in the morning or milk a cow. I'm not a city girl, but I guess I'm pretty close.
Most days, I find that I am content. But when that bitter seed of discontentment rises up within me, I find myself lately searching for the source. I find that I am most discontent when I focus on my own limited abilities. I love being a homemaker, but I feel discontent when I fear I'm not a very good one.
I dream of a perfectly organized, clutterless home with an exact spot for everything and everything in that spot. I dream of a glorious garden with beautiful flowers and some vegetables of our very own. I dream of perfectly healthy meals that my family enjoys eating.
To be sure, there are things I do well. You won't find piled-up laundry in my house, and that's even with washing Caleb's diapers every other day. I keep the main living areas clean (mostly!), as well as the kitchen and the bathroom. I cook homemade meals, and I am trying more and more to be as healthy as our budget will allow. Yikes, organic stuff is expensive. (I wish someone would tell me why. You would think not using pesticides would be a savings.)
I take care of Caleb, and that's the bulk of my day right there. I spend a great deal of time sitting with him (aka- chasing after him) in the living room when often other duties beckon me, but he comes first. I make my husband's lunch every day; I press his shirts and pick out his outfit for work so he doesn't even have to think about what to wear in the morning.
This is not bragging, and I apologize if it seems that way. Sometimes I need to remind myself of the things I do well, because so often I focus on the areas where I come up short.
I am no gardener. To make matters difficult, there was no garden when we moved here. Everything needs to be done by us, and that is going to be an expensive endeavor, whenever we get around to putting that money into the enormous task. I am trying to start a deck garden of sorts, using pots and such, but let's face it, I am terrible at gardening, and I am completely jealous/envious (yes, I am a sinner) of everyone else that is good at such things. And for the record, it seems like everyone is good at gardening, except for me. And everyone these days is talking about how great their gardens are coming along. And yes, I know I am beginning every sentence with "and".
If we were rich enough, of course we'd just pay someone to haul everything here, plant it, and I'd happily sit there with my hose/watering can and rejoice at the beauty of it all. But that won't happen.
So, here I am looking at the pots I just put some seeds in, wondering if the things will ever even take.
Whenever we do get around to gardening, besides my weakness for growing things in general (most of my houseplants kick the bucket pretty quickly), I have to fight my major physical weakness- my bad back. These days, with a baby to lift, it doesn't take much to wind up with some intense and crippling back pain due to my scoliosis.
Then, what of the deer? They are here regularly and probably will eat most of what is grown.
All this to say, I have my weaknesses, and I often find myself wishing I was living in the 1800's, being best friends with Laura Ingalls Wilder. They just knew how to work the land. It was in their blood. We have lost so much in the world we live in today. I feel that loss within myself.
But at the end of the day... I am happy. Despite my weaknesses, despite that I long to better, that I long to simply be "more" than what I am, I am so content to be Brian's wife and Caleb's mom. I don't long for a big career or any of the accolades that go along with it. This home is my place, and even if my house doesn't win any interior decorating awards, and my garden is non-existent, this is where God put me, and it is where I belong.
