Dolly

Well, hello.  Perhaps you'd like to meet the newest member of our family.  This is Dolly.

Last Sunday, I was at the store buying a few things for the Operation Christmas Child shoebox gift.  Last year, I chose a boy, because I am just so used to buying boy things, but this year, in honor of the baby girl we are waiting to hold in our arms, I decided to buy for a girl, age 2-4, the youngest age bracket you can choose.

I was looking at little dollies, and the only kind that I could find that would work well in a shoebox was this one here, along with her twin.  There were two dollies in the box.  I figured, well, we are having a girl in three months, so why not get the two?  It would not be a waste.

When I got home and started taking the dollies out of the box, both of my boys were ready to pounce on me and grab them from my hands.  Each had one before I could blink.  For little boys who are used to seeing trucks and cars, Paw Patrol toys, Lincoln Logs, and Legos galore, these dolls were foreign creatures.

I had to declare warnings (for Caleb mostly, since Silas doesn't understand) that we are giving one away, so let's not go crazy.  After Silas ripped the arm off the purple baby above, I quickly grabbed Caleb's unharmed pink doll and put her safely into the shoebox before she met some unfortunate fate too.  (I did manage to put the arm back in its socket, but alas, it is not the same.)

As I was putting Silas to bed that night, Caleb tucked Dolly into a Lincoln Log box and closed the lid, thinking to put her to bed.  When he reported this to me, I thought it was time for a lesson on how to care for a baby.  After all, he is going to have a little sister before we know it.  "Oh, no,"  I said,  "Get Dolly out of the box.  Let's tuck her in the car seat.  This can be her bed."

And so we did.  Caleb has been enjoying tucking Dolly into bed each night and getting her up in the morning.  Silas was fascinated by the fact that Dolly's eyes opened and closed whether she was laying down or upright.  However, do not fear.  They don't play with her throughout the day.  The newness has worn off.  For Caleb, I continue to use it as a lesson on how we can care for our own baby girl when she gets here.   I know Caleb will be a good big brother to his sister.  He notices EVERYTHING, and will report to me on every scrunch of face she makes, I have no doubt.

In church today, there was a baby girl two rows ahead.  I watched her and watched her, thinking of our own baby.  I still can hardly believe we are having another baby, let alone, a girl!  I'm enamored with pink sleepers and headbands, flowers and bows.  We still have so much to do, and I am working hard at home getting as many things ready as I can before the holidays hit.

Soon enough, these little feet that are kicking me constantly will be ours to enjoy! 

24 Weeks

I felt like it was time for me to pause (something this beaver doesn't do too often), and reflect on this pregnancy, and what it means to me.

I'm not in any hurry.  I'm 24 weeks and happy to be so.  It's funny how things change with each pregnancy.  With Caleb, I simply could not wait to be a mom.  I was counting down the weeks and they could not go fast enough.  

Even with Silas, I was pretty eager.  I was already a mom, but I will still excited to meet him and hold him and turn our family into a family of four.

Well, now things are a whole lot different.  I have two boys that are a handful and very needy.  Adding a newborn to the mix thrills and terrifies me at the same time.

But honestly, I know this is my last pregnancy.  I believed Silas was my last, but now I know with absolutely certainty that this is my last.  I am trying to enjoy the miracle for as long as possible.  A woman with child is a miracle.  God puts this little seed there, and in no time, it goes from looking like a tadpole to a human.  Each week brings changes.  That little human grows and develops and is able to feel pain and hear sounds.  Babies can make faces in the womb, and they are every bit alive as you and I.  To carry a child in my womb, in such a time when the fight for life is at stake, is an honor.  I am so tired of hearing about women's rights.  Perhaps that is a rant for another time and place, but a baby in utero is a life that has value.  

I know that in a year this will all be a memory.  Carrying our little girl, feeling her many kicks, knowing her very survival depends on my own, will all be in the past.  It is a beautiful thing.  For certain, it is awkward and uncomfortable.  Sleeping is difficult, as well as many other things.  The mere act of bending down to pick up a toy (and getting back up!) requires Herculean effort.  But I would not trade it.  

We still have a million things to do before this baby gets here (including upgrading to either a van or SUV so we can fit three car seats, as well as tearing apart our bedroom and finding whatever nooks and crannies to store this baby's clothes and things since she doesn't have a room).  I feel like I need more time, not less.  But besides that fact, I still want to enjoy it.  I don't want to complain over every ligament pain and the fact that the restroom is a constant need.  Sure, I may miss my regular clothes and drinking caffeine and not worrying about exceeding the recommended milligrams.  (Yes, I still have to be careful when nursing.)  But, this too shall pass.  Soon this little one will be in my arms, and I'll be marveling over the curve of her cheek and the softness of her skin.  I'll be delighted with how she scrunches her face and curls up her legs.  Right now, however, she's inside of me.  Something she will never be again.  Growing and thriving and being a very part of me.  It is a miracle.  I will enjoy the miracle, one we doubted we'd ever have, while she is there.  

So, little one, take your time.  You grow and get nourished and triple in size.  Fine tune your senses.  Put on a healthy weight.  Enjoy the sounds of Daddy's horn and your brothers being silly.  You can even hear me singing, though I can't say I have anything close to a good voice.  But perhaps you enjoy the lullaby I sing for Silas, the one that calms him when he is upset.

When you are ready, we will welcome you with wide open arms and plenty of kisses.  Be prepared for your Daddy to melt into a puddle when he holds you for the first time.  Get ready for lots of Daddy/daughter dances.  Caleb can't wait to meet his little sister!  I have been telling him all the ways he can love on you when you are born.  Silas still doesn't have a clue, and he might be downright jealous when you get here, so you are going to have to win him over with your sweetness.  Which I am sure you will!

We love you so much.  I am proud to carry you, and I will be proud to nurse you and to have you in my arms.  For now, for today, I am enjoying you being inside of me.  Snug and safe and warm.

Joy... Unsurpassable!

"And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for Him..." ~Isaiah 25:9

So the big question is:  Was this a surprise pregnancy?  The answer is simple!  Yes, it was, and no it wasn't!!

A long time ago, before I was even married, God told me I would have a little girl.  He even told me her name.  Now, I'm not one of these people who goes around saying, "God told me this, or God told me that".  I use such talk very sparingly.  The simple reason is I very well could be wrong.  The other reason is the main way God speaks to us is through His Word.  But there are other times He gives our hearts a nudge, in a clear way, perhaps differently from the norm.

When we were married and pregnant with Caleb, we decided not to find out the gender of our first baby.  After all, we didn't care.  We were thrilled to be pregnant!  I had told Brian the name of the little girl that God had shared with me, and he was completely on board.  Together, we decided on a middle name.  We were all set for a girl!  We actually didn't settle on Caleb until just before he was born, and he was late to boot!  Good thing we had something ready!

Fast forward to Silas.  Of course, this would be the girl.  God had told me we'd have a girl.  So when we were there getting our ultrasound, and the man with the cold personality performing our sonogram said with no emotion at all, "It's a boy," it felt just as he said it.  Flat.  I couldn't look at Brian for fear of tears.  I was so disappointed.  This was our last pregnancy!  There would be no girl for us.

Let me fast forward to say that I did get over it.  In that moment, I couldn't see Silas.  I could not see the chubby cheeks and the adorably pudgy body and the Mama's boy that he would become.  How he'd constantly want to stroke my skin or how he'd wait for me at the top of the stairs when I came home from the store and touch my face.  Of course, I fell in love with him and would not change him for all the girls in China.  (Nor for all the tea in China!)

We buried our dream of a girl.  Five weeks postpartum with Silas, I began to have seizures.  While I didn't have many at first, they picked up, and at one point I was having them approximately every month and a half to two months.  Of course I could not think about having another baby.  While epilepsy is certainly not a deal-breaker when it comes to pregnancy, the seizures left me totally weak and drained for the entire day after I had one in my sleep, and it took another night of sleep to restore me.  To have one pregnant, and go about the day carrying a child and caring for two boys, I could not imagine that.  

Yet, our dream of a little girl simply would not entirely vanish.  God continued to knock on our hearts.  We just didn't feel complete as a family.  We were not seeking to get pregnant, and we were by no means trying to. But we could not shake the thought that someone else was supposed to be here.  We couldn't quite say the words, "we are done" though we had no idea how in the world this could possibly happen.

Caleb, several months before we even dared think about the mere idea of opening ourselves up to another child, said to me one day, "You gotta get me a little sister."  It was the cutest thing ever, and I tried to explain that it wasn't that simple.  Still, I couldn't forget his earnest plea and tucked it away inside my heart.

After a time of research, I found that a major depletion of magnesium in one's body can lead to seizures.  I decided to try it.  After several months of applying magnesium to my skin at night (the best way to take magnesium), my seizures stopped.  Whether or not that is the absolute answer, I cannot say.  I only know I have not had one for a year.

There is another reason that led us to thinking about another child, and it is a major one for us, but it is one I will not write here.  Suffice it to say, we had an "awakening" moment in April of this year, and so many of our fears were shed in one single instant.  (Yes!  One instant!)

Brian and I began to look at each other and ask, "Should we?  Dare we give God the opportunity?  Can we handle a third child?"  And back and forth it went.  Brian was on board before I was ready.  I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time.  Finally, I felt God prompt me, what if we didn't give God a chance, and five years later, it is too late?  How would I feel if I ignored His obvious prompting?  I began to be filled with an urgency to trust Him and to pray.

So, we prayed.  Fervently.  We asked that if this was God's voice we were hearing all this time, that He would do several things.  1)  That we would get pregnant, with little effort on our parts.  In other words, we would not try to get pregnant.  2)  That it would be good for the whole family to have an addition, even our boys.  3)  That God would do it quickly, so we would not be wondering 6 months later.  4)  That if it was not His will, that He would close up my womb and shut the door.  We only wanted this if it was His will, end of discussion.  

We got pregnant within one month.

For the record, it took me three months to get pregnant with both boys, and that was with effort and intention.  My sister loaned me a fertility book, and that had every bit of information known to man on how to conceive.  I charted my cycles, took my basal body temperature every morning before I got out of bed, etc.  I did NONE of that this time.  I didn't want to try.  If it was God, He would do it without my help.  And it would be all the more confirmation that it was from Him.

The day I took the pregnancy test I will never forget.  It was Sunday, June 2, and I sat through an entire church service, barely paying any attention, scared to death.  I had a strong suspicion I could be with child.  I was in a frenzy all through service, trying to decide if I should take a test when I got home.  I decided, Brian was home and not at work, therefore I would take the test.  I went home, gathered my box kit, and hid it under my shirt for fear he'd see me.  I did not want to get his hopes up.  He really wanted this!  After several nervous and shaky moments, I had my answer.  I slipped quietly out of the bathroom, helped get the video started for Silas, and said to my husband, "I have to tell you something."

He looked at me expectantly, but had no idea what was coming. "I'm pregnant."

Big smile spread on his face.  "And I'm terrified," I said, and I proceeded to cry on his shoulder.  He held me while I sobbed.  After all, how could I take care of a newborn baby and two boys with developmental delays?

Underneath that fear, there was joy.  There was gladness.  God put life within me again, when we thought we were done.  It is a cause for rejoicing!  A human life, formed by God's own hand, is a cause for celebration.

We believed God had finally given us our little girl.  Even our physician's assistant, whom our boys see for a check-up once a year, spoke these words upon hearing our news:  "Oh, my goodness I am SO excited for you!  It's going to be a little girl and she's going to keep these two boys in line!"  I had to laugh right there.  Yes, leave it to an adorable little sister to keep her big brothers on their toes!  I have no doubt any little girl of mine could do just that!

As the date of our big Gender Reveal came closer, we were trying to talk ourselves out of a girl, so as to prepare ourselves for a boy.  We didn't want to be disappointed if it was a boy.  We wanted to rejoice in him regardless.  But of course, we still were hoping for a girl.  Oh, the torment!  As we drove to our appointment, we were tense.  Brian drove quickly in our efforts to get there (it is a 53 minute drive!)

We were quickly ushered in the exam room.  Silas began to scream for no good reason.  We prayed he'd quiet down and we brought out a myriad of snacks.  This was NOT the time for a meltdown.  Thankfully, he quieted.  The sonographer set things up, and away it began.

When she got to the big moment, she said, "Are you ready?"

"Yes!" Brian affirmed in a loud voice, and jumped to his feet, moving closer to the screen.

As she typed the words, all of heaven seemed to pause and wait with us.  The moment seemed to stop and suspend in the air.  Then the glorious words appeared on the screen.

"It's a girl!"

Tears (of the good kind) sprang to my eyes, and I covered my face with my hands.  Brian whooped and bent down to kiss me.  Our daughter.  Our little girl is here at last.  And we love her already.  Brian has completely lost his heart to his Daddy's little girl.  I can't wait to share long-awaited girl time with her.

Our family is complete.  Our hearts are full.

Thank you for rejoicing with us!

Searching For You by Jody Hedlund

Come join Sophie Neumann, the youngest sister in the Orphan Train series, and see her journey of healing as she grows into the person God wants her to be!

We begin with a hurt and hardened Sophie, who not only feels abandoned by her older sisters, but who is worn out from trying so hard to care for Olivia and Nicholas. Though she's not related to these children, they were orphaned from infancy, and Sophie has cared for them and has been the only mother they've ever known. But she's had to resort to stealing and sneaking for so long, and her heart has grown hard as she's grown into womanhood standing all alone.

Reinhold has already been rejected by Sophie's two older sisters in marriage. Poor guy! He's got a great heart and he's an incredibly hard worker, trying so hard to make his farm profitable with very little help. He's got a streak of anger within him, passed on from his very ungodly father, and he struggles with his emotions.

Sophie and Reinhold knew each other when they were younger, and they meet unexpectedly. Will love have a chance to develop? Can they each grow past their own brokenness and learn to let others in? Can Sophie forgive her sisters for allowing her to be on her own? 

This is a wonderful journey of two hearts finding restoration in God!

“When we're finally willing to let go of the messes we've made, the good Lord can step in and salvage the scraps.” 

“We're human. We break things. It's what we do with the brokenness that counts.”

“Could she let go of attempting to make the repairs her own way and finally hand the mess over to the One waiting to forgive her and repair her life in His way?” 

“All her striving had amounted to more messes and brokenness. When she'd finally stopped trying to fix everything, God had stepped in and started to piece things back together in His way-a way that was completely unexpected and better than anything she could have accomplished on her own.” 

Together Forever by Jody Hedlund

Climb aboard Book #2 of Jody Hedlund's Orphan Train series, and join Marianne Neumann as she works for the Children's Aid Society. Marianne, sister of Elise (main character of Book #1), has an ulterior motive in her work with the orphans. Yes, she cares about them and desires to help, but she chooses this job because she hopes it will lead her to her younger sister, Sophie, who disappeared along with the two children the Neumann sisters had been caring for. Marianne feels she's to blame for their disappearance, and she intends on searching at each stop along the railroad.

But of course, she has a job to do. She, along with her partner, Drew Brady, must find homes for each of the orphans in their care. As they journey west, Marianne finds herself beginning to care more and more for the children even as she must let them go, and she finds herself caring for Drew as well.

Drew has worked for the Children's Aid Society for a couple of years, and his love for the children is obvious. He's a fun and cheerful agent, but he's also tough and strict.

As Marianne and Drew work together to care for the children, they begin to care for each other. But Drew has a past he's running from, a past that tries to repeat itself. Marianne finds old habits are heard to break, and her lies, though seemingly innocent, quickly catch up to her.

Marianne definitely grows in strength and in purpose. In the beginning of the novel, she seems timid and uncertain, but circumstances stretch and push her. She learns to fight for those she loves, but she also learns when she needs to let go.

As with the previous book, it was interesting to learn more about the Children's Aid Society and what the orphans had to endure. It is almost funny seeing how easily orphans were shoved off to new homes. In today's world, there's so much red tape, money, background checks, etc., the mere thought of adopting is the beginning of a long journey.

An innocent lie spills out of control, and Marianne is frantic to undo the charade. In His own time, and in the nick of time, God untangles the mess, and brings the sweet story to a close. Marianne learns trusting Him and letting go is the best thing because He knows what is best for her. Even little Jethro gets a wonderful, happy ending- even better than what he tried to get for himself.

Once again, Jody wrote a winner! I truly enjoyed immersing myself in this story!

Why Is Slowing Down So Hard?

Well, hello.

It's been a while.

I truly have missed writing here.  I have missed my little space in this big blogging world.  Most of all, I have missed pouring out my heart and filling empty, white space with letters and words.

It's late, so I will keep this short.  Suffice it to say, I am still having seizures.  The boys are still having their many developmental delays.  My heart still breaks when I think about how behind they are, and inside I truly do ache over it.  I am doing everything in my power to help them.  Not the least of which is to revamp our entire diet.

I thought we ate reasonably healthy before, but I realize now I had no clue.  We are now doing the GAPS (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) Diet, which is a very strict diet intended to heal the gut, and when the gut is healed, the brain follows.   The boys and I need this.  Months ago, I found out I have Candida (yeast in the gut), and this very well could be causing my seizures.  The mother's gut flora gets passed on to her babies, and so my boys received the lovely present from me, and in turn, they are having developmental delays.  This is what I have pieced together, though no doctor has told me this, because, what good are traditional medical doctors today?  Excuse me for saying so.  Give me someone who practices homeopathy or holistic methods or even herbal remedies.

So now, we drink broth with every meal.  We eat tons of meat and veggies.  We consume no sugar except honey and what already exists in fruit and dates.  I make EVERYTHING from scratch.  The only thing we eat out of a package is an occasional Larabar.  There is a long list of things we cannot eat, such as potatoes and corn.  Celtic sea salt is healthy and good for you, and that is added to meats liberally.  Even lard from healthy animals, raised the way God intended, is good for you.  We buy our meats straight from a farm, and while we are spending more money on food than we ever  have before, we are getting good, quality meat and eggs.

It is a lot of work.  I spend more time in the kitchen than I truly want, and sometimes, I'd rather be on the floor with the boys.  But even when it FEELS like I am ignoring them for prepping food, I have to remember that what I am doing is for all of us.

I cannot expect God to bring healing to the boys if I am not willing to start at the beginning.  This diet was so hard at first, and I DID not want to do it, but I did, and I believe it is the right course for us at this time.  Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride invented the diet, and she used it to cure her son of autism.  I pray this diet will bring healing to my boys as well, and me, too, of my seizures.

I will be back to write again, hopefully.  There is so much my heart longs to say.  But I have to start somewhere.

Until then.

With You Always by Jody Hedlund

Before I begin this post, I want to say that I have taken an unplanned blogging break, mainly for one reason. Silas is my little boy stalker, and he is so clingy, that I can barely breathe.  Sitting down and typing up blogs is almost impossible in my world at present, because he is all over me, all the time.  I do miss writing here, and I hope to get back to this at some point.  My heart longs to write... but when you become a mother, many of your passions take a back seat.  I am even reading much less these days, which greatly saddens me.  I hope this is just a season.

On to my book review!

Two people come together from totally different worlds and discover that maybe being different is the best thing!

Elise Neumann is a poor immigrant struggling to keep her family together. Fresh from the streets of NYC, she only has any shelter at all because of a Christian worker's generosity. Her garments are threadbare, and her stomach knows what it is to be hungry.

Thornton Quincy, on the other hand, knows no financial hardship. The son of a very successful businessman, Thornton has been raised with every advantage. Yet, even growing up with all sorts of privileges, Thornton is not without a heart.

That heart is put to the test when trying to build a town, all while meeting the challenges of a contest his father has established for him and his brother. Elise, one of his employees, helps him to consider the needs of others, and he finds himself thinking more about those needs, and less about beating his brother in the contest.

While love between them develops, there is no way it can work. Elise is not the kind of woman Thornton's father would approve of, or is she?

I really liked reading about the life of fictional Elise. Her life was far from perfect, and at times, it is good as a reader to get out of my comfort zone and step into someone else's shoes. I liked learning about the conditions in the city that led immigrants, specifically women, heading west in desperation, often leaving their families behind in hopes of sending them funds in time. Jody Hedlund wrote this book with the true life incidents of September 1857 in mind, as women headed west on the "orphan trains" to seek work where cheap labor was sought. I enjoyed this bit of history.

Elise learns that God really was with her always, even on the dark days. I'm thankful when a book reminds me of that. It is a lesson that can't be learned enough. Jody weaved together another beautiful story!

*I received this book from Bethany House Publishers and was required to write a review.