It Sure Hasn't Been Dull Around Here... a Reflective Post

Finally, finally.  At last, I have a few minutes to sit down and reflect.  Pen and paper (or keys and screen in this case), words and sentences, beckon me.  The written word is like an old friend.  It listens, quietly.  I am able to pour out my heart all I want, and it does not interrupt.  It does not ask questions.  It does not contradict or give opinions.  It simply slips its arm around my shoulders and listens.

I love this little blog.  It is my quiet little space on the internet.  I do not seek many followers.  It is here for our family, but, if I am being honest, it is mostly for myself.  You can see my posts have been dwindling the latter part of this year.  As Silas has grown, so has his need for attention, and just taking care of things in the kitchen is difficult enough.  Never mind sitting down to write on my blog!

Brian always says I work too hard and I need to relax.  Perhaps he is right, but as a mother and a homemaker, I do not see what putting my feet up and lounging on the couch will accomplish.  I work hard, and yet, so many things go undone.  The boys come first; the dust does not.  I work hard on the things that MUST be done.  Cooking, meal planning, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, and laundry are the main chores I focus on (yes, ironing and vacuuming, too).  Honestly, I haven't dusted in months. Probably since before Silas was born.  I used to dust every week when I was a little girl, but that chore has moved to the back burner as a mom.

So, here I am, sneaking in a few minutes at the end of the day, to pour out my heart.

For the past five years, every year has had a monumental event. Brian and I were engaged and married in 2011.  In 2012, we bought our house, and a mere two weeks or so later, I was pregnant. Caleb was born in 2013, and then I became pregnant again in 2014.  And of course, our darling Silas came four months ago.  (If that weren't enough, I even had a postpartum seizure, too.)

It has been a whirlwind, for sure.

I wouldn't change any of it.  When I look into the faces of my boys, sometimes I can't believe I am their mother.  I was single for so long, it seemed, and I wondered when I was teaching at my old school if I'd ever get married.  I remember those days, and I wonder what that Courtney then would think if she could see this Courtney now.  In some ways, we are two different people.

We have no big plans for 2016.  More than likely, we will be breaking the trend that has endured for five years.  Whether or not we will have another child is something only God knows.  Brian and I do wonder about it and talk about it, and for sure and for certain, if I could sneak a peek into the future, much like reading the end of the novel when I am only halfway through, I would.  However, even if we were going to deliberately try for another (which, more than likely, we won't), we would not try so soon.  We are content to have only two, yet something beckons us to be open should God have other plans.

So for now, we will keep on keeping on.  We look forward to all the firsts that will come with Silas: crawling, standing, first steps, first words.  We will watch as Caleb continues to grow and thrive as the active little boy he is.  If I were to change anything at all, I would only change myself, and it is my heart's cry that I become more like Him, and that the sinful, selfish Courtney would fade more and more each day.

May God mold me and shape me, so that I can reflect more of His goodness and grace.  My goal in 2016 is not to exercise or lose weight, or eat more healthfully (although, that is something I am always aiming to do).  My goal is to be a better wife to my darling husband and a better mother to my precious boys.

If I can do that, it will be another monumental year, indeed.

Great Minds Think Alike/And Then There Were Four

When I got my sister's Christmas card in the mail, I had already ordered mine, but did not yet have them.  After I oohed and aahed over her pictures, I kept thinking something seemed vaguely familiar about her card.  Then I realized, I had ordered the very same!

What are the odds?  Well, we are sisters, after all!  I wonder what all of our family members thought when they received the matching cards from both of us!

It gives me such great pleasure to see four stockings hanging this year.  The year that Caleb came, I ordered stockings for the three of us.  (The first two years of marriage, I had gotten some cheapy ones, because I knew I'd get nice stockings once we had a child.)  At first, it didn't look like I was going to be able to get a matching stocking for Silas this year, but thank goodness, it became available.  Brian's sister bought us three snowflake stocking holders two years ago, and last year when I became pregnant, I asked her if she could possibly find another for the baby on the way. And she did!  After she gave it to me, I put it up, though empty, because I was dreaming of the tiny little baby in my belly.

Now, here he is, and we are ecstatic to celebrate Silas's first Christmas, and our first Christmas as a family of four!  It just gets better and better!

Silas: Four Months

Dear Silas,

I am not sure how you are four months old already.  Even though you are my second child, I still can't believe how fast it goes.

You are getting so big, and this is no exaggeration.  In your weight and length you are in the 97th and 99th percentiles.  You clearly look several months older than you are.  I'm not sure how much longer you will be in six month clothes.  I have already washed Caleb's old nine month clothes, so they are ready to go when you will need them.  A few of your six month things are already getting tight!

You are grabbing at things more and more.  Usually when we are done nursing, I have to disentangle myself from you.  Your hands are tightly wrapped around me, my clothes, my hair, etc.  You are starting to raise your head more and more and lift yourself with your arms, and though you have not rolled over yet, it looks like it is soon coming.  (I think the delay here is due to the fact that you hate being on the floor too long).

Your sleep is still far from where we need it to be.  I'm not sure why, because I have carefully avoided the mistakes I made with your brother, yet here we are.  I make sure to put you down at night awake, and you get to sleep on your own.  However, you are still having too many awakenings during the night.  Whenever we see improvement, it is always one step forward, and two back.  The other night, you had a great night with one five-hour stretch, then we were back to two-hour stretches, even one-and-a-half.  Just this morning at 4 o'clock, we let you cry it out for an hour, and boy, it was ugly.  People have asked why we don't put you in your brother's room.  We don't need two children up in the middle of the night.  One is enough.  (And frankly, your brother has his own issues.)

Naps are touch and go.  Again, every time we make progress, we go backwards later.  I am still as sleep-deprived as I was when you were a newborn!  It hasn't gotten too much better, unfortunately.

We took you to the doctor last week, and they gave you a glowing report.  They couldn't get enough of you!  The doctor thinks a tooth might be coming soon, and I have to agree.  I have started giving you teething tablets, and perhaps this is contributing to some of your fussiness.

Despite all these growing pains, you bring us so much joy.  Your smiles are heavenly!  You give me the best grins, and I never tire of them.  Holding you cheek to cheek is just about one of my favorite things in the whole world.

We are excited to celebrate Christmas this year with our two boys!  I ordered your stocking to match the rest of us, and we are all set to go.  Last year, we were dreaming of you at the very beginning of my pregnancy.  Now, here you are.  You are present enough for me.

I love you, my darling boy!

Love,
Your mama

Here he is in an old outfit of Caleb's:

A Little Bit of Honesty

This post, perhaps, is more for myself than for anyone else.  For me, writing is a sweet release, a reprieve for just a few moments from the constant needs of two children, and a quiet friend who listens.

Let me just say that I don't worry what people think about me.  I used to be extremely sensitive when I was a little girl, but I toughened up over the years.  I am FAR harder on myself than anyone else probably would be.

So here is my confession:  I have postpartum depression.

It is a tough thing to admit, being that I am a Christian.  I shouldn't be depressed, should I?  I have the Lord, and the promise of eternal life.  I have so many things to be grateful for:  my husband, my two boys, my home, my family, etc., etc., etc.

However, while I don't understand everything about postpartum depression, I do know that it is largely hormonal.  Beyond that, for me, it has been a tough shift from going from one child to two.  It is very hard to stay on top of these two and their incessant needs.  Sometimes I wonder when mommy ever gets to do something for herself.  Other times, I look in the mirror and I wonder where in the world Courtney went.

I am insanely overwhelmed these days, and I am overly anxious.  All housework feels insurmountable and I feel like I always need to be working, trying to chip away and get the things done that need to get done.  (This is a symptom of postpartum depression.)

Silas wakes up at night more than necessary, and the loss of sleep can make me crazy. What happens is that babies develop a night waking habit, and they don't know how to return to sleep on their own. This is especially true for breastfed babies.  This happened with Caleb, and it is happening again now.  In time, I know I can fix it, but for various reasons, it is hard right now.

It is also very hard getting Silas to take a nap.  It takes a lot of effort on my part, which also isn't easy when I have a toddler who needs attention.

I know I've said this before and I'll say it again, it is very lonely living away from family.  There's no one to call or to have come over and just give me a break.  People might tell me that I can call them, but the truth is, I would only want family over in my house.  It is hard to let any old person see you at your worst.  Having someone over for a cup of tea is really impossible for me right now.

Lastly, as I am writing this, both boys are crying in their cribs.  I spent quite a bit of time trying to get Silas down, only to have him in hysterics.  Caleb woke up after an hour of sleep and began to wail, which is unusual, but starting to happen more lately.

When can mommy get the chance to cry, I wonder?  I would sorely love to do so.

If you read this, I could use your prayers.  Know that I am grateful for my blessings, but it is a difficult road right now.

P.S.  I wrote this post because I feel that people are way too fake.  With me, you will ALWAYS get the truth.  I won't pretend to be something I'm not.  I am blessed by others who are honest and real.  I LOVE my boys, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  I don't regret becoming a mother, and I know this is a temporary thing.  Right now, though, it is a "Goliath" in my life.  Perhaps the Lord will send a David to knock him down for me.

Silas: Three Months

Dear Silas,

How are you already three months old, my dear boy?  The time is moving so quickly.  It was almost a year ago we found out you were on your way.  On Thanksgiving, to be exact, I took a pregnancy test in the early morning, confirming what I already believed to be true.  We happily called the rest of the family and shared the news.  Even though we were snowed in, I felt such thankfulness that day, knowing that we would soon be a family of four.

Motherhood is no joke.  It is not for the faint of heart.  It is the hardest job I have ever had, and I've had quite a few difficult jobs.  But I would not trade it.  Nor would I trade you or your brother for the world.

In the midst of the craziness, of being pulled in several directions at once, there are moments of such deep and lasting satisfaction.  Last Wednesday, you laughed for the first time, and I am certain every angel in heaven stopped the all-important work he was doing to have a listen in, for it was more beautiful than the voices of heavenly angels singing.  I hope I never forget that melodic sound!

You are my own personal teddy bear, and I love to snuggle you.  You loved to be held, and I often get protests when I have to put you down.  I don't like it either, but I only have two arms!

I was hoping to have an easy sleeper after Caleb, but it is not to be.  You hate going down for naps and I have much ado trying to get you to sleep.  At night, you continue to wake me up.  My little love, we will be doing cry-it-out, but I am waiting a bit longer until I am more sure you are not waking up due to hunger.  You are getting closer to that time, but I would rather err on the side of caution.  I certainly don't want to deprive you of food if you need it!

You have outgrown your three-month clothes already, and I started you on six months!  You are growing so fast.  Don't grow too fast, my boy.  Mama's arms don't want to let you go just yet.

Please know that know matter the day I've had, no matter how crazy it has been, no matter how stressed I might be, I love you so much.  That will never change.  Your smiles, your looks of wide-eyed wonder, your obvious interest in my voice and my smiles- those things make me smile, my darling boy.  Stay as sweet as you are now- forever.

I love you.

Love,
Your mama

Another New Family Member

Before I get to the real topic of this post, I spoke too soon yesterday.  I said that Silas was doing fairly well in the bassinet... I think he heard me, because he decided that he wasn't having it again. I got him to nap there this morning, but since then, no go.  I do believe in cry-it-out, but I won't overdo it, yet.  Plus, at five naps a day, crying it out for twenty minutes or more each time is TOO much for this mama's heart.  Bit by bit, little by little, we'll get there.

I wanted to share my sister's news.  She's expecting her fifth child.

This was completely unexpected.  She gave away all her baby things after having four children. She and her husband believed they were done.  In fact, they only ever tried to have three children. Of course, the twins were a surprise, so there were four.  This was an "oops!" pregnancy, and it has taken her time to adjust and sort of embrace the idea once again.

So, back to her go the three big bags of maternity clothes she gave me!  I have been packing things up, getting ready to send them back to her, since my parents are visiting this weekend and can handle the exchange.

I told her not to give them away, because Brian and I are not yet certain we are done.  Not certain, folks.  Not trying, not preventing.  In any case, it's neither here nor there only two months postpartum.

The beauty of it is that we were pregnant at the same time, for a brief time.  Yet, she didn't tell me until the morning after Silas was born.  I scolded her for not telling me sooner, but she didn't want to rain on my parade, so to speak.  I told her I'm not so self-absorbed that I can't share her news!  I was shocked, stunned, and I had thought that sleep-deprivation from giving birth the night before caused me to hallucinate the news.  But it is true.

She's due in March, and this will be the closest age gap between one of my children and any cousin.  Silas and her little one will be only seven months apart.

I feel bad, though, that I have always reaped the benefits of having a sister go before me and pass on so many baby things, and since I am still in baby mode, there isn't much I can give her.  Many of the things I have we are the first owners of, such as car seats, but many of the big items that are hard to transfer were originally hers.  Bassinet, toddler bed, etc.  I feel bad that they have to start out once again, but I know God is already blessing them with a few used freebies.

For my parents, this is their eighth grandchild!  Christmas is getting expensive in our family...

I just wish we lived closer so we could share our lives more and more.  There is only so much you can do over the phone.

I look forward to being an aunt once again!

Side note:  Brian has always been saying to me that he didn't think they were finished.  I told him he was crazy.  Looks like he was right!

Tummy Time Help (and Other Random Ramblings)

Tummy time appears to be one of the worst forms of torture to inflict upon your helpless infant.  It is all for the good, of course, for strengthening those neck muscles in the hopes of gaining a bit of independence.  But to put your baby on the floor and basically watch them eat the carpet is not a fun experience.

However, when your big brother joins you, it isn't so bad, is it?  As soon as I lay Silas down, Caleb joins him.  It is fun to see, and brings joy to this mama's heart.  Caleb seems to really love his little brother.

This doesn't mean, however, that he has never hit him.  He has hit him in the head with his hand, fist, and objects several times.  I don't think it is out of jealousy, but rather to make me mad/get a reaction out of me, because he knows I will react.  He's a stinker, this one.  For the most part, though, he gives his brother kisses and lots of love.

I have been working hard on getting Silas established with taking his naps solely in the bassinet.  I had a couple of rough days last week when he was so fussy he could not sleep any which way.  Not in the bassinet, in the swing, nursing, rocking, holding, whatever.  After that, I became more determined to get him to sleep in his bassinet.  After all, he is getting older, and he is becoming more aware of noises.  And let's face it, Caleb doesn't exactly tiptoe around here if Silas is sleeping in the living room.

I began putting him down in the bassinet, and only in the bassinet, except for when we have to go out and he naturally falls asleep in the car.  (I only go out on weekends because I'm not supposed to be driving yet, since the seizure.)

Babies can only handle being awake for two hours at a time, so after he wakes up, he's down again between one and two hours, depending on his drowsy signs.  I lay him down and yes, he cries.  And no, I don't like it.  The cry-it-out vs. no-cry theories are hotly debated.  The no-cry people basically think the cry-it-out types are the most inhumane creatures on the planet.  I tried the no-cry method with Caleb, and the poor baby was so overtired from lack of sleep.  The time came when it was hard to get him to sleep with rocking and what have you, and he didn't know how to get to sleep on his own.  I had to do cry-it-out so he could learn this lifelong skill.  I decided to start with Silas earlier so we can avoid the drama that we had to endure with Caleb... Silas is doing fairly well.  If he is in absolutely hysterics, I will try something else or try again later.  However, letting him cry for a little bit and then falling asleep and getting uninterrupted sleep away from sound seems to be the best thing right now.  He is sleeping better on his own then he does in the swing, for example, where Caleb's loud outbursts cause him to jump over and over again.  Right now, Silas is having about five naps a day in the bassinet.  He is still too little for a schedule- I just go by him and when he last wakes up as well as drowsy signs.  A schedule will develop later, when his brain develops and matures.

I have read A LOT about baby sleep.  And yet, people gave me so much UNSOLICITED advice with Caleb.  I got picked on, so to speak, for working my day around Caleb's naps.  That, folks, is what you are SUPPOSED to do.  Sleep for a baby/toddler is as important as eating.  That is not to say that you cannot ever take a trip somewhere and disrupt the schedule, but on a daily basis, mama needs to make every effort to make her baby's naps a priority.  Caleb is now an excellent sleeper because I FOUGHT HARD to make him that way.  It did not just happen on its own.  For all the people who looked at me askew, I paid them no mind and went on doing what I knew was right.

Silas is sleeping reasonably well overnight, with usually three awakenings, maybe two.  For now, since he is only two months old, I still feed him when he wakes up.  In probably no more than two months, if he keeps waking up, I will solicit Brian's help in comforting him and putting him back down without food.  By four months or so, maybe five, he should be able to sleep without as many feedings.  We will need to train him to not expect those feedings, and that is where I will need Brian. If I pick up him, of course he is going to root and expect milk.  Again, I did not do this with Caleb, and I was exhausted for months on end.  The truth is, they don't NEED milk overnight (at a certain point), but have come to expect it.

Silas, Caleb, and I are trapped indoors these days, due to my driving ban.  My license hasn't been revoked or anything like that, and the truth is I did drive one day.  Brian was sick, down on the couch, and I needed a prescription that was becoming an emergency.  I left the boys home with him and took myself on the ten minute drive down the street.  So, in desperate situations, I'll go out on my own, but I won't bring the boys unless the house is on fire or something like that.  I just had a second EEG on Friday, but I won't know the results for some time yet.

Is it hard being trapped in doors?  Yes and no.  It leaves me uninterrupted time to focus on Silas's sleep!  But yes, it is hard to be stuck inside so much.  No rides down the street for iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts, or just a drive to see something else besides these four walls.  For a stay-at-home mom without family living close, it is tough.  However, God is good.  I have a warm house and food to eat, a husband to love me, and sons to love.  I won't complain.

Here is a picture of Brian holding our Silas: