It is clear that the baby that Brian came home to at the start of the summer is not the same baby he will be leaving in September.
Silas has changed over the summer, and it is apparent that some signs of autism are peeking out. He is a bit young to be officially diagnosed, but since Caleb is in the spectrum, it is not unlikely that Silas will be also. At Silas's well-visit yesterday, our concerns were validated.
How has he changed? Besides how he has not changed (meaning, he still won't self-feed, put anything in his mouth, or let me give him various styles of sippy cups), he has become very clingy. No lie, no exaggeration, in the morning he comes to me at least every 15-20 minutes wanting to nurse. When we traveled to NJ last week for a doctor appointment, my parents witnessed this and can vouch for me. While this behavior doesn't continue all day, he still nurses very frequently, much more than a twelve-month old should.
He is also very feisty. Whether or not this is an autistic trait, I don't know, but diaper changes have become an all-out wrestling match for gold. He is strong! He resists being laid down, and when we were at the doctor's yesterday, they witnessed his display and immediately felt sorry for me when I said I go through this all the time! How nice it was to be understood, even when I wasn't seeking it! You may say that all babies are like this, and I agree- to an extent. Silas's level of feisty is a bit over-the-top, and he responds as if it is torture to have a diaper change.
His sleep is still not what it should be, and this also can be a sign of autism. During and after a rough few days when we traveled and he regressed, he seems to have gotten a bit better, thank goodness. For all the sleep training I have done, we can't seem to get him to where he needs to be, and it is very frustrating.
He is also behind on eating solids, and still prefers baby food over real food, and chokes very easily. Or, he prefers no food at all (like yesterday morning), and only wants my breast.
I have quit going to church. It is impossible for me to sit there and hold Silas the whole service, and if I am going to run around chasing him, I would rather do so in the comfort of my own home. Brian and Caleb go by themselves. In all honesty, if I am being open and truthful, I don't miss it. As nice as they are, I don't feel like the people there understand one iota of what we are going through, and often give flippant, one-liners to our problems, as if that one line is the problem-solver.
Autism is a dark pit. I have battled with depression this whole school year, largely, I believe, due to autism. Unless you are a parent of an autistic child, you simply cannot understand. It is an awful blackness. While Caleb is on the lower end of the spectrum, thank goodness, it still is an ugly, mysterious "disease" and it hurts watching your child go through it.
Don't misunderstand me. I do have MUCH to be thankful for. Both Caleb and Silas make excellent eye contact. (I am praying that Silas doesn't lose his, because there is often regression when it comes to autism.) Caleb is not off in his own world. He is a bit odd at times, and has many characteristics of autism, but he is here with us. Thank the Lord!
Still, it is a dark pit, nonetheless. The tempter tantrums and meltdowns are enough to send me to an insane asylum at times. The fact that we have to repeat Caleb so often can drive us crazy too. He will repeat words and we simply must repeat after him, or else his temper flairs. While we do this just about all the time, we are only human, and sometimes get wrapped up in our own thoughts. When we do, he lets us know he is mad.
Brian and I have just made a key decision. We will be doing a gluten-free, casein-free diet for our boys. We started a gluten-free diet months ago, but we were told Caleb did not have a gluten allergy, so we decided to quit. However, I had still been wondering if it would be beneficial. In my research, I have seen that a gluten sensitivity is not the same as a gluten allergy, and he still might reap the benefits. Silas has gluten through my milk. The harder part will be giving up dairy. I need to take a few weeks to prepare, to rid my pantry and fridge of some products, and take the plunge on this new diet. I also have to do it, as Silas has my milk. (Goodbye, my delicious, homemade coffee creamer!)
While this diet does not look easy by any means (one mother said she cried a week before starting it, because it changes your whole life, and your old standby recipes won't work), it has helped many children with autism. We will only know if it will work with Caleb and Silas if we do it. Might it be a waste? Sure. It might be. But we will only find out if we try.
We will probably be met with resistance, especially with Caleb, who will not understand where his yogurt and cheese have gone. This will be the hardest part of all. Prayers are welcome.
Brian and I have both been extremely discouraged as of late. It's been so hard for us, so draining. (We just had a diaper change with Silas, and it was an all-out battle.) I have begged Brian if there was any way he could find a job in NJ near my family so I don't have to be alone all day, every day. But life isn't that simple.
For now, we must walk this road. Please pray that we can get out of this pit. It is awfully dark and lonely down here.
