No eloquent title post today. One word sums it up.
Tired.
Exhausted is another good one.
Silas continues to be up at night, and his times are becoming more random. Last night it was 1:43. I did not go in, because I did not want to start a new habit. But I heard him cry nonetheless, and it meant a great loss of sleep for the both of us.
I can barely keep my eyes open today.
I have also been losing some weight. This is not intentional. I have lost all my pregnancy weight, and am now hanging in some numbers that are lower than I was before my pregnancy with Caleb. I think it is due to two things: Silas's incessant nursing, and this gluten-free, casein-free diet, which greatly limits the options.
I simply don't feel all that healthy. With my never-ending tiredness, and my weight dropping a bit, I just don't feel like I can go conquer the world. I can't even keep my kitchen clean.
I wish this was a better blog post. I never did write about our trip to the pumpkin patch two weeks ago, or Brian's birthday. It hasn't ALL been bleak. But I will admit, I am ready to be done with this months-long trial God has seen fit to allow me to endure.
There is Silas crying now... off to my duty.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
A Daughter's Perspective
Yesterday, my mom turned in a letter to her workplace announcing her retirement.
I never expected so many emotions to be pulled to the surface within me at her retirement. It has been coming for some time, and it is by no means a surprise, after all, she is the last of our four parents who is still working. My dad retired after his heart surgery, not long after Brian and I were married. Forgive me, I do not know when Brian's parents retired, but they were both retired when I met them.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was little. That was always the intent, especially when we were young. She was always there, with homemade sauce and meatballs simmering on the stove, or baking cookies or custard. I remember she came in to school to get me when I was sick. I never liked to miss school, and I would push to go even when I really should not have gone. There was one time, two days in a row, she had to come and get me. I remember returning back home to her tender loving care, laying down on our rec room sofa in my white skirt with fuchsia polka dots. I was home, and she would take care of me. That was all that mattered.
I remember when I broke my wrist in the fifth grade. The nurse actually sent me back to class, and I sat there clutching my arm in terrible pain, trying to concentrate on my school work. The lunch aide came in to get me, saying "We are calling your mother; you need to get to the doctor." My mom rushed in, and we spent the rest of the day hopping around from pediatrician to x-ray to orthopedic doctor. It was a loooooong day, and I remember coming home in a cast, with my older brother and sister (who had never been in casts nor broken anything), watching me sympathetically, and my mom trying to get a late dinner on the table. Then, she helped me figure out how to take a bath without getting my cast wet. I believe we wrapped my arm in a plastic bag.
She was there.
When I was in middle school, she returned to work, but it wasn't too much of a loss. After all, she worked in my very school, part-time in the cafeteria. I remember one day, I was smacked in the face with a ball pretty hard in gym class, and I went to see her in the kitchen. She lovingly examined my face with her soft touch, and to this day, I still remember how comforting that action was. There is nothing like a mother's touch, no matter how old you are, and I write that with tears in my eyes.
When my parents separated, my mom, sister, and I lived on our own. I didn't last long with the two of them, since I went to college, but of course, I returned a few weekends and holidays. My mom graciously did my laundry for me whenever I was home (of course, I could do my own, but it was her gift to me). After college, I returned home for a bit, worked for a year or so, and prepared to head to Prague to teach English. My sister married, and my mom and I moved to another place, and then I was gone in about a month. After my year abroad, I returned home to my mom, taught in Christian school for five years, and then I got married. Never once in those five years did I think of living with my mom a burden or a drag or whatever. She was more than my mom. She was my friend.
The night of my wedding, just before Brian and I rode off into the sunset (to the lovely world of rural PA), I cried when I hugged my mom goodbye. She tried not to show it, she tried not to put a damper on my big day, but I know there was a gaping hole in her heart that day, a hole that is still there.
My mom has always been my confidant. There is no greater listener in all the world. She doesn't try to fix. She listens; she sympathizes. The worst thing about being her daughter is watching her get older. She is so much more forgetful. Her body isn't what it used to be. Seeing her retire is bringing to the surface all of those fears- the fears of losing her, the fears of one day having to let her go. It is a fact for us all.
My mom is God's gift to me, and to my sister. We three are a strong bond, and I have already told my mom that when that dreaded day does come, if she could look down from heaven, she'll see my sister and I, knees and hands in the dirt, our husbands having to pry us away. Because my mom is so much more than some old lady. She is a part of me. Her sweet spirit is a calming presence in my life.
I am so happy she is retiring. She deserves it. Her job has been physically demanding, and enough is enough. She has been working since I was in middle school, and it is time for rest. I so wish I could be there with her, that I could see her more, that my kids could see her more.
But it is enough that she'll be home once again, being the stay-at-home grandma now, doing just as I remember her best.
Mom, you know I love you more than words. You do so much for me, and I appreciate every little thing. I'm here, cheering you on. And on October 26th, I'll be waving my pom-poms, all day long.
I never expected so many emotions to be pulled to the surface within me at her retirement. It has been coming for some time, and it is by no means a surprise, after all, she is the last of our four parents who is still working. My dad retired after his heart surgery, not long after Brian and I were married. Forgive me, I do not know when Brian's parents retired, but they were both retired when I met them.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was little. That was always the intent, especially when we were young. She was always there, with homemade sauce and meatballs simmering on the stove, or baking cookies or custard. I remember she came in to school to get me when I was sick. I never liked to miss school, and I would push to go even when I really should not have gone. There was one time, two days in a row, she had to come and get me. I remember returning back home to her tender loving care, laying down on our rec room sofa in my white skirt with fuchsia polka dots. I was home, and she would take care of me. That was all that mattered.
I remember when I broke my wrist in the fifth grade. The nurse actually sent me back to class, and I sat there clutching my arm in terrible pain, trying to concentrate on my school work. The lunch aide came in to get me, saying "We are calling your mother; you need to get to the doctor." My mom rushed in, and we spent the rest of the day hopping around from pediatrician to x-ray to orthopedic doctor. It was a loooooong day, and I remember coming home in a cast, with my older brother and sister (who had never been in casts nor broken anything), watching me sympathetically, and my mom trying to get a late dinner on the table. Then, she helped me figure out how to take a bath without getting my cast wet. I believe we wrapped my arm in a plastic bag.
She was there.
When I was in middle school, she returned to work, but it wasn't too much of a loss. After all, she worked in my very school, part-time in the cafeteria. I remember one day, I was smacked in the face with a ball pretty hard in gym class, and I went to see her in the kitchen. She lovingly examined my face with her soft touch, and to this day, I still remember how comforting that action was. There is nothing like a mother's touch, no matter how old you are, and I write that with tears in my eyes.
When my parents separated, my mom, sister, and I lived on our own. I didn't last long with the two of them, since I went to college, but of course, I returned a few weekends and holidays. My mom graciously did my laundry for me whenever I was home (of course, I could do my own, but it was her gift to me). After college, I returned home for a bit, worked for a year or so, and prepared to head to Prague to teach English. My sister married, and my mom and I moved to another place, and then I was gone in about a month. After my year abroad, I returned home to my mom, taught in Christian school for five years, and then I got married. Never once in those five years did I think of living with my mom a burden or a drag or whatever. She was more than my mom. She was my friend.
The night of my wedding, just before Brian and I rode off into the sunset (to the lovely world of rural PA), I cried when I hugged my mom goodbye. She tried not to show it, she tried not to put a damper on my big day, but I know there was a gaping hole in her heart that day, a hole that is still there.
My mom has always been my confidant. There is no greater listener in all the world. She doesn't try to fix. She listens; she sympathizes. The worst thing about being her daughter is watching her get older. She is so much more forgetful. Her body isn't what it used to be. Seeing her retire is bringing to the surface all of those fears- the fears of losing her, the fears of one day having to let her go. It is a fact for us all.
My mom is God's gift to me, and to my sister. We three are a strong bond, and I have already told my mom that when that dreaded day does come, if she could look down from heaven, she'll see my sister and I, knees and hands in the dirt, our husbands having to pry us away. Because my mom is so much more than some old lady. She is a part of me. Her sweet spirit is a calming presence in my life.
I am so happy she is retiring. She deserves it. Her job has been physically demanding, and enough is enough. She has been working since I was in middle school, and it is time for rest. I so wish I could be there with her, that I could see her more, that my kids could see her more.
But it is enough that she'll be home once again, being the stay-at-home grandma now, doing just as I remember her best.
Mom, you know I love you more than words. You do so much for me, and I appreciate every little thing. I'm here, cheering you on. And on October 26th, I'll be waving my pom-poms, all day long.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Newton & Polly: A Novel of Amazing Grace
I'm here again with another review! This time it is Newton & Polly: A Novel of Amazing Grace by Jody Hedlund.
This book is based on the life of John Newton, author of the famous hymn, "Amazing Grace". It is so popular that even non-Christians know of it. Yet, the words of that hymn are achingly beautiful, despite having become common.
This is Jody's take on John's life. She did the research, and put together a story based on real-life events. Long before the hymn was written, John could care less about God. He pretty much lived life as he pleased. As the story begins, he is fairly likable. After he meets Polly and falls in love almost instantly, he isn't such a bad guy. He is smart, funny, and very helpful to the Catlett family. But he begins a series of bad decisions, poor judgments, and a lazy, who-cares-I'm-doing-whatever-I-want attitude. Though Polly is a devout Christian, John runs farther and farther from God.
We know the outcome. We know God will get a hold of John, and that John would lead a godly life and write an amazing hymn. We don't know exactly how he'll get there. Jody weaves a story about a man who rejected God time and again. But when John finally realizes just how much God loves him, finally, finally, he comes face to face with what a wretched sinner he is. And finally, he experiences amazing grace.
Through it all, Polly has a choice to make. Will she wait for John? She loves him, but he has repeatedly rejected God, and that simply is not what she desires in a husband.
This story really touched me. John was indeed wretched, sinking deeper into the mire of his own sin. Yet, in him, I glimpsed parts of myself. I am no better, no less in need of God's grace than he.
I am reminded of Psalm 139: 7-10. "Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or wither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me."
God sought after John with a love so fierce, it would not let him go. His pursuit was relentless. Had John ignored God, we would have missed out on a hymn so beautiful, and we would have lost the many hearts that have been softened because of it.
Jody's research was in-depth, and I enjoy her writing style. She puts us there, directly with the characters, and for a brief moment, I am sitting in their shoes. The attention she pays to detail, how a character reacts and shows emotion, for example, is thorough and almost artistic.
*I received this book in advance in exchange for a positive review. All opinions are my own. Typos are due to the awkwardness of trying to type with a sleeping baby on my lap.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Random Updates
Brian has gone back to work, and it is now just me and the boys again. In the middle of the summer, it is so hard to think of resettling into one's routine, but here we are at it again. I get used to Brian being home, to having someone else here. I can simply say "Watch Silas!" and run off to the bathroom without worry, but by myself, I have to make sure he's out of harm's way. (And can I just say, having an extra hand for diapers is wonderful?!)
The boys and I are getting acclimated to our more rigid routine once again. No more we will be going out and taking trips to the zoo, the mall, or whatever else. It is time to buckle down once again. For me here, that means starting some sort of teaching with Caleb. He is very resistant to us teaching him, to be honest. He makes it very difficult. He is behind on things, not just because of his delays, but because he is just plain stubborn. I was just trying to teaching him days of the week, and he was saying "No. No." Lovely, right?
We have managed to teach him the alphabet, and he knows that very well. Body parts we did long ago in the bath. He knows basic colors, but we still need to do more. Lots to do, if only he weren't so resistant!
He is also extremely resistant to potty training. We cannot get anywhere with him right now. He is so fearful and doesn't want anything to do with it. We even put big boy underwear on his stuffed animals. Nothing works.
Silas took one shaky step last night, while trying to get from one wall to another. He's not quite ready yet for walking, but it was neat to see him take one step for now! He will be starting occupational therapy soon. I already had him evaluated for his self-feeding delay, and we were approved, so I am just waiting for his therapist to call me.
He still isn't sleeping through the night, but what else is new? His wake up time varies all over the place. I am so tired, I am practically falling asleep while talking to Brian at about 8:50 p.m. I'm trying get to bed earlier these days.
We still sleep out here in the living room, because it is impossible to share a room with him, and I feel like we are living out of a suitcase. I can't keep things in the room that I need, because he is sleeping! It kind of drives me crazy, but that is life right now, and I simply have to accept it.
I have started a gluten-free, casein-free diet for the boys and me. I have to do it, too, because Silas is nursing. It is hard! No more cheese! Let me tell you how hard it is to be without my coffee creamer in the morning! I have replaced Caleb's yogurt with an almond milk yogurt, and while I can tell he doesn't like it as much, he is eating it, though less than normal. And let me tell you, these gluten-free, casein-free groceries are super expensive. Oh, and no more milk chocolate! Boo!
I will be trying this out for three months to see if it has any positive effects on the boys. If it does, it will become permanent. Many autistic children do well on this diet, but my boys aren't your typical cases, so only time will tell. There are other food sensitivities we might have to figure out, but I'm going to start with this for now.
Changing topics, I was stung by a bee two days ago. It was Brian's last day home; thank God he was here! We were enjoying his last day out on the deck. I saw a bee fly by my right side, and Brian said, "There's a bee by your arm." All my life, when there has been a bee anywhere in my presence, I ignored the old advice to "sit still" and ran like crazy, screaming for good measure. When Brian told me about the bee, I actually decided to stand still. And you know what, I was stung, for the first time in my life. I think I'll go back to running like a crazy person, thank you, and of course, screaming like a girl. It kept me safe before!
Now I know why I always screamed. Boy, did that hurt! Not so much the actual sting, which was nothing more than a needle, but when that venom gets in there, yikes! My arm burned for hours. I panicked at first, fearful I was going to have an allergic reaction (I did not), and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to care for the boys. I'm so glad Brian was here to help me with my arm and help get the boys back inside after it happened, and I'm so glad it happened to me and not the boys! (Brian was stung by multiple bees when he uncovered a hornet's nest when he was five. I cannot, cannot imagine!)
Brian had some changes to his classroom this year. Some are for the best, others are awkward. Time will tell how it goes. I pray he has a great year! We sure do miss him around here. His absence is felt at every moment.
Thanks for reading!
The boys and I are getting acclimated to our more rigid routine once again. No more we will be going out and taking trips to the zoo, the mall, or whatever else. It is time to buckle down once again. For me here, that means starting some sort of teaching with Caleb. He is very resistant to us teaching him, to be honest. He makes it very difficult. He is behind on things, not just because of his delays, but because he is just plain stubborn. I was just trying to teaching him days of the week, and he was saying "No. No." Lovely, right?
We have managed to teach him the alphabet, and he knows that very well. Body parts we did long ago in the bath. He knows basic colors, but we still need to do more. Lots to do, if only he weren't so resistant!
He is also extremely resistant to potty training. We cannot get anywhere with him right now. He is so fearful and doesn't want anything to do with it. We even put big boy underwear on his stuffed animals. Nothing works.
Silas took one shaky step last night, while trying to get from one wall to another. He's not quite ready yet for walking, but it was neat to see him take one step for now! He will be starting occupational therapy soon. I already had him evaluated for his self-feeding delay, and we were approved, so I am just waiting for his therapist to call me.
He still isn't sleeping through the night, but what else is new? His wake up time varies all over the place. I am so tired, I am practically falling asleep while talking to Brian at about 8:50 p.m. I'm trying get to bed earlier these days.
We still sleep out here in the living room, because it is impossible to share a room with him, and I feel like we are living out of a suitcase. I can't keep things in the room that I need, because he is sleeping! It kind of drives me crazy, but that is life right now, and I simply have to accept it.
I have started a gluten-free, casein-free diet for the boys and me. I have to do it, too, because Silas is nursing. It is hard! No more cheese! Let me tell you how hard it is to be without my coffee creamer in the morning! I have replaced Caleb's yogurt with an almond milk yogurt, and while I can tell he doesn't like it as much, he is eating it, though less than normal. And let me tell you, these gluten-free, casein-free groceries are super expensive. Oh, and no more milk chocolate! Boo!
I will be trying this out for three months to see if it has any positive effects on the boys. If it does, it will become permanent. Many autistic children do well on this diet, but my boys aren't your typical cases, so only time will tell. There are other food sensitivities we might have to figure out, but I'm going to start with this for now.
Changing topics, I was stung by a bee two days ago. It was Brian's last day home; thank God he was here! We were enjoying his last day out on the deck. I saw a bee fly by my right side, and Brian said, "There's a bee by your arm." All my life, when there has been a bee anywhere in my presence, I ignored the old advice to "sit still" and ran like crazy, screaming for good measure. When Brian told me about the bee, I actually decided to stand still. And you know what, I was stung, for the first time in my life. I think I'll go back to running like a crazy person, thank you, and of course, screaming like a girl. It kept me safe before!
Now I know why I always screamed. Boy, did that hurt! Not so much the actual sting, which was nothing more than a needle, but when that venom gets in there, yikes! My arm burned for hours. I panicked at first, fearful I was going to have an allergic reaction (I did not), and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to care for the boys. I'm so glad Brian was here to help me with my arm and help get the boys back inside after it happened, and I'm so glad it happened to me and not the boys! (Brian was stung by multiple bees when he uncovered a hornet's nest when he was five. I cannot, cannot imagine!)
Brian had some changes to his classroom this year. Some are for the best, others are awkward. Time will tell how it goes. I pray he has a great year! We sure do miss him around here. His absence is felt at every moment.
Thanks for reading!
Friday, September 2, 2016
Summer Summary Via Pics
Well, not actually the whole summer. These photos are just from August.
Silas did not want to be in the pool. He was in there long enough to take this photo, and that was it. I remember Caleb didn't like to be in the pool, either, but now, he loves it. He stayed in there for a while!
It was so good for Silas and Daddy to spend more time together!
No, Silas didn't lose weight! That's my nephew, Isaac! He looks so much like his big sister, Lindsey.
Never did I think my sister and I would have babies together. She was "done" just before I got married, when her twins arrived. God had other ideas. These two are the closest in age between any other cousins!
I could not resist buying matching pajamas for the boys. One cold night, they had them on instead of their warm weather jammies. (And yes, Silas pulled his sock off.)
It might not be earth-shattering, but this is Caleb's last donut. Not that he had donuts a lot, but because we are going gluten-free, I had to give him one last treat.
Brian's summer dream came true. We saw a bear in the neighbor's yard across the street. I saw four bears in our front yard back in April, but Brian was at work. He ran outside, ignoring my desperate pleas of "Don't cross the street!" and began to growl at the bear. Mr. Bear was too busy eating the trash to care about my husband. Thank goodness.
This was a big deal to Caleb. He conquered all sorts of slides this summer: big ones and spiral ones. He had been eyeing this all throughout one visit, but kept chickening out. When he did it, he was so happy. And so were we!
This was just too cute not to include. No recollection of where we are going.
One of Silas's favorite places to be!
Caleb loves the playground!
The boys love the sandbox. I, however, don't like how much sand they carry with them into the house!
This was on our anniversary when we went to the zoo. Apparently the cashier taking the photo could not wait for Silas to turn around.
And today, we went to school with Daddy to help him set up his classroom! How we are going to miss him!
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
A Wonderful Summer
Though it was not without its hard times, overall, this has been a wonderful summer.
For all of the things I don't have: family that lives close by, a job for my husband that is close to home, the convenience of stores being close by, peace and serenity when I walk into my yard without worrying about a bear coming by, I do have one thing that makes it all worthwhile.
My husband is home in the summer.
That one thing keeps me going on the hard days. Seriously.
It has been amazing to have him home. There is nothing like the summer for us. Brian is much more relaxed than he is normally in the evenings or on the weekends simply because his work is behind him. He is at rest. Other than his (very) part-time second job, he is all ours.
We've done a lot this summer. We've been to two different zoos. We traveled to my family twice (only for doctor appointments, in fact, one of the visits I didn't even see my brother and sister). We also went to NY to say goodbye to Brian's sister who was moving. The park was visited a number of times, in fact, we went to several different parks. We brought the boys to the lake to play in the water a couple of times. Brian got to take Caleb to a concert (it was too late in the day for Silas). We went to the mall (an hour away, so it is a big deal) just this past Monday. Oh, and we went to the library a few times.
It was so fun to get out, especially after Caleb, Silas, and I were trapped during the year due to my driving ban. It was tricky getting out with Silas, because unlike Caleb two years ago, Silas's naps are still a mess. I try very hard to stick to the "schedule", but we had trouble this summer for the sake of getting out. With Caleb two years ago, he had a great first nap at the same time every single day, we did our going out after his nap, and we came home in time for his second nap. He never slept in the car, and it was wonderful. Not so much with Silas.
Brian and I attacked some cleaning that we don't normally do, namely, downstairs. We worked side-by-side on many things, and he even graciously used his muscles to scrub the tub for me when I was cleaning the bathroom, because I am going to take advantage of additional arm strength when I have it.
It has also been so good for our marriage to have Brian home. You would think we'd be sick of each other, but we are not. I love being with Brian and doing things as a family. As I said before, when Brian isn't working, it brings a different level to our marriage. There is no job to occupy his thoughts and no worries to deal with at the workplace. He is also better able to identify with me here, although it isn't the same when he is gone.
Like all good things, this summer must, too, come to an end. I am having a harder time letting it go than usual. Perhaps it is because my boys are both difficult in their own ways. This truly is the hardest time for us, as Silas's delays have recently unfolded, and now we have two boys who are developmentally behind. More than the delays, though, it is the attitude. Meltdowns abound in this house. Having my partner with me makes it so much easier.
Most of all, I'll miss seeing Brian with the boys, all the time. He is such a fun, loving daddy. He is also the perfect counterpart to me. I'm the ever diligent one, the boring one, the one who is always squeezing in a chore when possible. Daddy is the laidback, silly, goofy one. Don't get me wrong. He is also the stern one. I need him, more than he knows.
We'll miss you, Daddy! But we'll always be here, waiting for you at the end of the day, with a hot meal on the table.
I love you, darling!
For all of the things I don't have: family that lives close by, a job for my husband that is close to home, the convenience of stores being close by, peace and serenity when I walk into my yard without worrying about a bear coming by, I do have one thing that makes it all worthwhile.
My husband is home in the summer.
That one thing keeps me going on the hard days. Seriously.
It has been amazing to have him home. There is nothing like the summer for us. Brian is much more relaxed than he is normally in the evenings or on the weekends simply because his work is behind him. He is at rest. Other than his (very) part-time second job, he is all ours.
We've done a lot this summer. We've been to two different zoos. We traveled to my family twice (only for doctor appointments, in fact, one of the visits I didn't even see my brother and sister). We also went to NY to say goodbye to Brian's sister who was moving. The park was visited a number of times, in fact, we went to several different parks. We brought the boys to the lake to play in the water a couple of times. Brian got to take Caleb to a concert (it was too late in the day for Silas). We went to the mall (an hour away, so it is a big deal) just this past Monday. Oh, and we went to the library a few times.
It was so fun to get out, especially after Caleb, Silas, and I were trapped during the year due to my driving ban. It was tricky getting out with Silas, because unlike Caleb two years ago, Silas's naps are still a mess. I try very hard to stick to the "schedule", but we had trouble this summer for the sake of getting out. With Caleb two years ago, he had a great first nap at the same time every single day, we did our going out after his nap, and we came home in time for his second nap. He never slept in the car, and it was wonderful. Not so much with Silas.
Brian and I attacked some cleaning that we don't normally do, namely, downstairs. We worked side-by-side on many things, and he even graciously used his muscles to scrub the tub for me when I was cleaning the bathroom, because I am going to take advantage of additional arm strength when I have it.
It has also been so good for our marriage to have Brian home. You would think we'd be sick of each other, but we are not. I love being with Brian and doing things as a family. As I said before, when Brian isn't working, it brings a different level to our marriage. There is no job to occupy his thoughts and no worries to deal with at the workplace. He is also better able to identify with me here, although it isn't the same when he is gone.
Like all good things, this summer must, too, come to an end. I am having a harder time letting it go than usual. Perhaps it is because my boys are both difficult in their own ways. This truly is the hardest time for us, as Silas's delays have recently unfolded, and now we have two boys who are developmentally behind. More than the delays, though, it is the attitude. Meltdowns abound in this house. Having my partner with me makes it so much easier.
Most of all, I'll miss seeing Brian with the boys, all the time. He is such a fun, loving daddy. He is also the perfect counterpart to me. I'm the ever diligent one, the boring one, the one who is always squeezing in a chore when possible. Daddy is the laidback, silly, goofy one. Don't get me wrong. He is also the stern one. I need him, more than he knows.
We'll miss you, Daddy! But we'll always be here, waiting for you at the end of the day, with a hot meal on the table.
I love you, darling!
Thursday, August 25, 2016
A Pit Called Autism
It is clear that the baby that Brian came home to at the start of the summer is not the same baby he will be leaving in September.
Silas has changed over the summer, and it is apparent that some signs of autism are peeking out. He is a bit young to be officially diagnosed, but since Caleb is in the spectrum, it is not unlikely that Silas will be also. At Silas's well-visit yesterday, our concerns were validated.
How has he changed? Besides how he has not changed (meaning, he still won't self-feed, put anything in his mouth, or let me give him various styles of sippy cups), he has become very clingy. No lie, no exaggeration, in the morning he comes to me at least every 15-20 minutes wanting to nurse. When we traveled to NJ last week for a doctor appointment, my parents witnessed this and can vouch for me. While this behavior doesn't continue all day, he still nurses very frequently, much more than a twelve-month old should.
He is also very feisty. Whether or not this is an autistic trait, I don't know, but diaper changes have become an all-out wrestling match for gold. He is strong! He resists being laid down, and when we were at the doctor's yesterday, they witnessed his display and immediately felt sorry for me when I said I go through this all the time! How nice it was to be understood, even when I wasn't seeking it! You may say that all babies are like this, and I agree- to an extent. Silas's level of feisty is a bit over-the-top, and he responds as if it is torture to have a diaper change.
His sleep is still not what it should be, and this also can be a sign of autism. During and after a rough few days when we traveled and he regressed, he seems to have gotten a bit better, thank goodness. For all the sleep training I have done, we can't seem to get him to where he needs to be, and it is very frustrating.
He is also behind on eating solids, and still prefers baby food over real food, and chokes very easily. Or, he prefers no food at all (like yesterday morning), and only wants my breast.
I have quit going to church. It is impossible for me to sit there and hold Silas the whole service, and if I am going to run around chasing him, I would rather do so in the comfort of my own home. Brian and Caleb go by themselves. In all honesty, if I am being open and truthful, I don't miss it. As nice as they are, I don't feel like the people there understand one iota of what we are going through, and often give flippant, one-liners to our problems, as if that one line is the problem-solver.
Autism is a dark pit. I have battled with depression this whole school year, largely, I believe, due to autism. Unless you are a parent of an autistic child, you simply cannot understand. It is an awful blackness. While Caleb is on the lower end of the spectrum, thank goodness, it still is an ugly, mysterious "disease" and it hurts watching your child go through it.
Don't misunderstand me. I do have MUCH to be thankful for. Both Caleb and Silas make excellent eye contact. (I am praying that Silas doesn't lose his, because there is often regression when it comes to autism.) Caleb is not off in his own world. He is a bit odd at times, and has many characteristics of autism, but he is here with us. Thank the Lord!
Still, it is a dark pit, nonetheless. The tempter tantrums and meltdowns are enough to send me to an insane asylum at times. The fact that we have to repeat Caleb so often can drive us crazy too. He will repeat words and we simply must repeat after him, or else his temper flairs. While we do this just about all the time, we are only human, and sometimes get wrapped up in our own thoughts. When we do, he lets us know he is mad.
Brian and I have just made a key decision. We will be doing a gluten-free, casein-free diet for our boys. We started a gluten-free diet months ago, but we were told Caleb did not have a gluten allergy, so we decided to quit. However, I had still been wondering if it would be beneficial. In my research, I have seen that a gluten sensitivity is not the same as a gluten allergy, and he still might reap the benefits. Silas has gluten through my milk. The harder part will be giving up dairy. I need to take a few weeks to prepare, to rid my pantry and fridge of some products, and take the plunge on this new diet. I also have to do it, as Silas has my milk. (Goodbye, my delicious, homemade coffee creamer!)
While this diet does not look easy by any means (one mother said she cried a week before starting it, because it changes your whole life, and your old standby recipes won't work), it has helped many children with autism. We will only know if it will work with Caleb and Silas if we do it. Might it be a waste? Sure. It might be. But we will only find out if we try.
We will probably be met with resistance, especially with Caleb, who will not understand where his yogurt and cheese have gone. This will be the hardest part of all. Prayers are welcome.
Brian and I have both been extremely discouraged as of late. It's been so hard for us, so draining. (We just had a diaper change with Silas, and it was an all-out battle.) I have begged Brian if there was any way he could find a job in NJ near my family so I don't have to be alone all day, every day. But life isn't that simple.
For now, we must walk this road. Please pray that we can get out of this pit. It is awfully dark and lonely down here.
Silas has changed over the summer, and it is apparent that some signs of autism are peeking out. He is a bit young to be officially diagnosed, but since Caleb is in the spectrum, it is not unlikely that Silas will be also. At Silas's well-visit yesterday, our concerns were validated.
How has he changed? Besides how he has not changed (meaning, he still won't self-feed, put anything in his mouth, or let me give him various styles of sippy cups), he has become very clingy. No lie, no exaggeration, in the morning he comes to me at least every 15-20 minutes wanting to nurse. When we traveled to NJ last week for a doctor appointment, my parents witnessed this and can vouch for me. While this behavior doesn't continue all day, he still nurses very frequently, much more than a twelve-month old should.
He is also very feisty. Whether or not this is an autistic trait, I don't know, but diaper changes have become an all-out wrestling match for gold. He is strong! He resists being laid down, and when we were at the doctor's yesterday, they witnessed his display and immediately felt sorry for me when I said I go through this all the time! How nice it was to be understood, even when I wasn't seeking it! You may say that all babies are like this, and I agree- to an extent. Silas's level of feisty is a bit over-the-top, and he responds as if it is torture to have a diaper change.
His sleep is still not what it should be, and this also can be a sign of autism. During and after a rough few days when we traveled and he regressed, he seems to have gotten a bit better, thank goodness. For all the sleep training I have done, we can't seem to get him to where he needs to be, and it is very frustrating.
He is also behind on eating solids, and still prefers baby food over real food, and chokes very easily. Or, he prefers no food at all (like yesterday morning), and only wants my breast.
I have quit going to church. It is impossible for me to sit there and hold Silas the whole service, and if I am going to run around chasing him, I would rather do so in the comfort of my own home. Brian and Caleb go by themselves. In all honesty, if I am being open and truthful, I don't miss it. As nice as they are, I don't feel like the people there understand one iota of what we are going through, and often give flippant, one-liners to our problems, as if that one line is the problem-solver.
Autism is a dark pit. I have battled with depression this whole school year, largely, I believe, due to autism. Unless you are a parent of an autistic child, you simply cannot understand. It is an awful blackness. While Caleb is on the lower end of the spectrum, thank goodness, it still is an ugly, mysterious "disease" and it hurts watching your child go through it.
Don't misunderstand me. I do have MUCH to be thankful for. Both Caleb and Silas make excellent eye contact. (I am praying that Silas doesn't lose his, because there is often regression when it comes to autism.) Caleb is not off in his own world. He is a bit odd at times, and has many characteristics of autism, but he is here with us. Thank the Lord!
Still, it is a dark pit, nonetheless. The tempter tantrums and meltdowns are enough to send me to an insane asylum at times. The fact that we have to repeat Caleb so often can drive us crazy too. He will repeat words and we simply must repeat after him, or else his temper flairs. While we do this just about all the time, we are only human, and sometimes get wrapped up in our own thoughts. When we do, he lets us know he is mad.
Brian and I have just made a key decision. We will be doing a gluten-free, casein-free diet for our boys. We started a gluten-free diet months ago, but we were told Caleb did not have a gluten allergy, so we decided to quit. However, I had still been wondering if it would be beneficial. In my research, I have seen that a gluten sensitivity is not the same as a gluten allergy, and he still might reap the benefits. Silas has gluten through my milk. The harder part will be giving up dairy. I need to take a few weeks to prepare, to rid my pantry and fridge of some products, and take the plunge on this new diet. I also have to do it, as Silas has my milk. (Goodbye, my delicious, homemade coffee creamer!)
While this diet does not look easy by any means (one mother said she cried a week before starting it, because it changes your whole life, and your old standby recipes won't work), it has helped many children with autism. We will only know if it will work with Caleb and Silas if we do it. Might it be a waste? Sure. It might be. But we will only find out if we try.
We will probably be met with resistance, especially with Caleb, who will not understand where his yogurt and cheese have gone. This will be the hardest part of all. Prayers are welcome.
Brian and I have both been extremely discouraged as of late. It's been so hard for us, so draining. (We just had a diaper change with Silas, and it was an all-out battle.) I have begged Brian if there was any way he could find a job in NJ near my family so I don't have to be alone all day, every day. But life isn't that simple.
For now, we must walk this road. Please pray that we can get out of this pit. It is awfully dark and lonely down here.
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