Happy Father's Day To This Daddy x 3!

Here's to this guy who finally has his own little girl!  (And look at those thighs!)

Allow me to share one more story regarding our discovery that we were going to be parents again.  As I have mentioned on the blog, the night before I took my pregnancy test, we were at an Andrew Peterson concert.  Brian has been a fan of his for years, and he also has made me a fan as well.  When Andrew Peterson came to Milford last year, we couldn't believe our good fortune!  His concert was at the Milford Bible Church which is about 12 minutes away!  We hardly ever go out at night, but we weren't going to miss that for the world!

I've already spoken about my experience with Andrew singing a song about change, and wondering why things weren't changing in our lives, and little did I know at that moment the news that was awaiting us. Well, Brian had a bit of his own experience.  Andrew's 16-year-old (at the time) daughter, Skye, was on stage singing a song which she wrote, and the dear girl is quite an emotional thing.  During her song, she broke down crying and was unable to continue.  Andrew, who was sitting in the front row to watch her, leapt to his feet, ran on stage, and took her in his arms to console her while she cried.  Brian was overcome in that moment, desiring a daughter of his own, as he had for so long.  A daughter to love, protect, and rescue.  And to cherish!

Little did he know that the seed of a baby girl was already planted in my belly at that moment, and his wish had already come true.  After church the very next day, I took my pregnancy test, and several months later, found out we were having a girl.

We will always fondly remember our time at an Andrew Peterson concert the night before our big news!

When you stand at the altar and slip a golden circle around your spouse's finger, you are not only partnering with them for romance and date nights for every weekend for the rest of  your life, you are partnering with them to be parents and raise little humans from scratch.  It is daunting!  Our world today gets harder and harder to navigate, and there are more and more things from which we need to protect our children.

I have had many jobs.  I have been a financial aid advisor at a seminary, a legal secretary, and a teacher (both in US and abroad) to name a few.  The hardest job on earth is being a parent.  It is the most exhausting, requires the most dying-to-self, and sometimes, makes you feel like the worst person on earth.  Having a partner who shares your vision, goals, and dreams is essential.  Sometimes, you get lost on the way, and having a partner helps you retrace your steps until you get back to where you are supposed to be.

Brian is my partner and my very best friend.  He is such a fun Daddy, and he brings so much life to our household, which would be pathetically dull if it were just me.  I am sometimes all work and to-do lists, frantically trying to get everything in the world done, and Brian brings levity which we all need.  However, he is a hard worker too, and will clean right with me if I need the help.  Our boys love him and his antics, and beneath the silly and the goofy, is a man who loves the Lord and those dear to him, and he has a very caring heart.  He is by no means perfect, and I can say that because I know his strengths and his flaws better than anyone, but he is a good man.  And as far as perfection goes, I failed that test myself a long time ago, and continue to do so, everyday!  So we go great together!

Darling, this post is part of my gift for you.  I love you and I am so grateful for you!  Happy Father's Day, Darling, and may you love this year the best yet, being a Daddy of 3!

Anna: 4 Months

"Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born the angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue" (Close to You, The Carpenters)

Thanks to my mom's devotion to Karen Carpenter's songs back in the day, I have stored in the recesses of my mind just about every song she ever sang, and those songs are more than willing to spring to the forefront with the slightest prompting.  A few days ago, as I was putting Anna in her high chair first thing in the morning, the line "On the day that you were born the angels got together" burst forth from my mouth and I haven't been able to stop singing it to my Anna ever since.  Thankfully, she likes it when I sing to her, and the poor girl doesn't yet know that I have a terrible voice.  However, bad voice or no, I believe a mother should sing to her child.  Because when sung in love and in joy, even an awful voice is made better.  Many, many times I have gotten her to sleep with my singing.  Shocker, right??!!!  Yes, even this wretched voice is somehow better as I croon to my baby.  It is done all in love, so right there, it smoothes away all the rough edges.

How our Anna-Girl is 4 months old, I'm not quite sure.  It seems just yesterday we brought her home.  It is a wonder of science that for parents of babies under 1 that time seems to fly at warp speed, and 4 months is really only 2.  Or at least, it should be.

Our girl is simply smothered in kisses every day, so I'm sure she is contemplating in her pretty little mind that her purpose in life might just be to get kisses.  And for now, she'd be quite right!  

Anna currently likes to be in-arms.  If we have her lying about, it can't be for too long.  It is clear I have to switch her up constantly... play mat on the floor, to high chair, to possibly pack n' play (though she tolerates that the least), to in-arms, and also to baby carrier strapped to my person.  Sometimes, she falls asleep in the carrier, though that is never my goal, since baby sleep is most restorative when it is stationary.  

We are still working on her sleep, and no, I do not expect a 4-month old to sleep through the night.  I am for cry-it-out, but I am also for soothing when possible.  I do predict more cry-it-out in our future, and while I hate it with a passion, I have been down this road before.  We will get her sleep to where in should be, in time.  Actually, over the next couple of months her sleep should take on more of a definite schedule and be a bit more by-the-clock.  Her sleep is improving, which is good news, but we still have a ways to go.  That is all right by me.

I can't believe that I'll be feeding her solids in two months!  I am getting ready and I have a really good baby food cookbook in my cart at Amazon, and I'm currently researching non-toxic baby food containers.  In the next couple of weeks, we will be putting away the bassinet, and putting together a mini-crib, passed down to me from my sister, who was also in the unfortunate position of not having a bedroom for her youngest.  The regular size crib, which we still have, will not fit in our room, so whenever we move in the future, it will be waiting for us once again.

And for the record, room sharing is hard!  There is nothing this girl does not hear, and I can barely slip into bed without waking her up, and I am as quiet as a mouse!  She never passed her hearing test as a newborn, due to faulty equipment, fluid in the ear, or a real problem.  We tried having her rechecked when she was a month old, but she wasn't quiet enough for the test, and she still needs a retake in a couple of weeks. From what I can see, she seems to have superhero hearing, and I hope the test proves it.

I never want to stop hearing her giggles!  I believe she is going to be an affectionate little girl, as she is already starting to nuzzle and snuggle into my neck more and more, and wrapping her little arms around me as much as she can.  

Our Anna Lynn continues to light up our lives every single day!  

One Year Ago, We Still Didn't Know

This is the very last day I can say, "One year ago, we still didn't know we'd be having another baby."  I've been saying it all last week so I could cram it in as much as possible.

How our lives have changed!  How God has surprised us!  What joy He has brought us through the gift of our Anna!  She is a God-given dream come true!

But, oh, the joy doesn't eliminate the sadness!  Life is hard.  It is full of pain and sorrow.  Sometimes around every corner.  There are things in your life that can be so hard to even talk about because the pain is that real, that difficult, that suffocating.  For us, the biggest sorrow we face is watching our youngest son grow physically while seemingly leaving his brain behind.  Forgive me for my poor writing attempt.  His autism is more and more an aching grief that leaves a gaping hole in our souls.

I don't talk about it much to many people.  I write about it hardly ever- I, who love to write, who love to pour out my heart in the written word- this is something too fresh, real, and raw for me to fully wrap all of my emotions around.  Not yet.  Perhaps one day.  Perhaps someday I'll be ready to write it all down.  God is working in my heart, and maybe one day, I can encourage other parents.

But not yet.

He's still working on me.

Looking at our circumstances, most people would have warned us not to have another child.  "You've got enough on your plates!" they'd say!  "What are you crazy?!" they'd warn.  We did get a bit of that, perhaps not in those same words, or perhaps it was said in what wasn't said at all, just an empty silence.

Thankfully, Brian and I don't listen to the voices of the world.  God was tugging on our hearts for so long... we simply could not ignore Him any more.  And one by one, He crossed off our list of concerns.

A few nights ago, while trying to get Anna to sleep, she fell asleep on my shoulder.  She's getting nearly past that point.  She falls asleep on me nursing all the time, but falling asleep on my shoulder is getting to be few and far between.  I held her; I was in no hurry to part company.  I snuggled that baby against me, looked up to the ceiling, and I thanked God for her.  I prayed for her to know Jesus.  And I savored every moment of my adorably sweet and soft baby girl curled up against me, knowing that if I blinked my eyes, she'd be eighteen.  Brian needed me to check an assignment he was virtually sending out to his students, and he kept peeking in on me, wondering why I was taking so long getting Anna down.  When I finally came out, I had to tell him that all the older generation ever says to us is that it goes too quickly.  This business of raising children- it goes too fast.  Never too slow.  And so I held on, trying to freeze the moment in my mind, so when I'm an old lady sitting on my front porch, I'll remember it.

And in the words of Laura Ingalls Wilder, that I've never forgotten and have both haunted and comforted me since I was a little girl, "Now is now.  It can never be a long time ago."

Because I lingered, because I savored, I know that that is now true.

Anna is wearing a crocheted blanket/shawl/wrap type thing that I wore as a baby to my christening.  While I am no longer Catholic, I wanted a picture of my baby girl in the wrap that was handmade for me and that I wore once upon a time.  I will give it to Anna to pass it down as well.