Surprise! We are having another baby girl, due in January!
This past May, the day after Mother's Day, in fact, I took a pregnancy test and got a positive result for the fifth time. Last November, I suffered a miscarriage, and we are beyond grateful for our rainbow baby!
So...how did we end up here, on the brink of having our fourth child? Sometimes I scratch my head and wonder the very same thing. If you don't mind indulging me with your listening ear, I don't mind sharing our story.
Once upon a time, before I was married, I thought three kids sounded right. I come from three, so without giving it much too much thought, or consulting God on the matter (not that I needed to in my single state quite yet), three seemed good to me. When Brian and I got married, a bit on the later side, I thought I needed to whittle that down to two. I believed the great lie that women can't have babies after 35. Boy, have I learned otherwise.
In fact, when we bought this house, we knew it was small, but we figured we'd have two kids, and so it would work for us. And we did have two kids, two boys, in fact.
I won't go through Anna's birth and reiterate how she came to be simply because it is already on this blog, but suffice it to say that God told me she'd be born ten years before her birth. We thought we were done when we had Silas, due to various obstacles in our lives, such as my seizures and autism, but God had other plans. So when I was pregnant with her, I "knew" she was my last.
I wrote about savoring my pregnancy with her, since she was my "last". Little did I know what God had in store for us. Let's fast forward to five weeks postpartum. I was at my check up, seeing my midwife for the last time to close out that pregnancy, and she asked me if I was done having children or if I wanted another. I said, "I think I have to be done," considering my age at the time. She stopped me right there, and said, "No, if you want another, you can have one. You are healthy." I couldn't believe I had received such unsolicited (but not unwanted) encouragement regarding having another, when my mind clearly thought this was it. Of course, only five weeks postpartum, I was pretty busy with Anna, so I didn't think much of it. But, there was a small part of me that said, "What IF this is God speaking to me?" So I tucked this bit of news away, to revisit it at a time I was ready to deal with it. Over the months that followed Anna's birth, I felt God nudge my heart that we would have another girl, and He even confirmed her name.
One year after Anna was born, I had foot surgery, and I was off my feet for about two months, which was great torture and suffering, and it wreaked havoc on our entire household. Suffice it to say, I was not thinking about having another baby. Once I got walking again, gaining strength, and starting to feel somewhat like my old self, I began to earnestly put the matter to prayer. "God, was that You, speaking to me through my midwife?" Obviously, I was older, risks were higher, and it all seemed so scary. I began to research other Christian women who had babies in their 40's, and I was greatly encouraged. I read about women who decided to let God take the reins on their fertility.
Even as Christians, we are taught to plan out our children based on income, the size of our home, whether or not we can "handle" more, or what have you. We decide what sounds good to us. Reading about these women, I saw incredible faith to allow God to decide the number of children they have. I could say so much more about this, but I will keep it brief for now. I decided, along with these ladies, I could not go wrong if I put God in charge of the matter. He would decide, not me. I wasn't demanding anything from God. In fact, if He didn't want us to have another, then I didn't either. I wanted what He wanted for us as a family. Brian was on board with all of this.
When I had my yearly appointment with my midwife (which happened to be on my birthday), again, I got nothing but encouragement. In fact, she clapped and hugged me when I said we were going to try for another. I went home, told Brian, and we were both excited.
The next month, I had another foot surgery to remove the hardware, and boy was I glad to see that go. My body clearly does not like screws. The month after that, we conceived our next baby, and we discovered we were pregnant the day after Brian's birthday.
We didn't get to keep this little one. My heart broke into a thousand pieces, and in the moment when it was confirmed that this baby was dying within me, I cried out to Brian, "Why did I open myself up to this?" The pain was so raw, so real, and so awful. I knew that being older had its risks, and I opened myself up to it. I already wrote about my miscarriage on this blog, so I won't repeat myself. But I learned. I learned so much. I learned that God was in control the whole time, and that little precious soul was just as much a part of His plan as every other living human being. I followed His leading, and I have no regrets. He IS to be trusted, even in the hardest of times.
After the miscarriage, the great question awaited us. Do we try again? I had no desire to experience another miscarriage, but I did desire to follow God. And I could not shake the feeling that another little girl was supposed to join our family, that Anna was going to be a big sister. But of course, I was scared. After we lost our baby, we decided to let God decide, once again. It wasn't easy letting go and letting Him be in charge. It would have been easier to close myself off to the idea and not risk heartache and loss once again. But, we want to have no regrets. God would decide, not us.
This past April, we conceived our little girl, and finding out I was pregnant the day after Mother's Day was the best belated gift I could have ever received. Of course, hearing this news was also hard. I was not over the loss of our previous baby, and I was terrified I would lose this one too. In fact, I thought I was very early on, and an ultrasound at about six weeks revealed a tiny heartbeat and everything looking good for that week. So did my eight week ultrasound, and my twenty week as well.
That twenty week ultrasound was remarkable, one simple reason being we had the same technician who was with us for the baby we lost. Now we were with her again, and she got to share in our joy instead of our sorrow this time! Brian and the kids were there, and we were dying to know the gender. Of course, we have one girl, so we didn't feel it was as dire to have another girl as it did when we were pregnant with Anna. However, we did want another girl. We loved the idea of two and two. We loved the idea of giving Anna a little sister. Not to mention, we now have a pink stroller, car seat, and all pink clothes to pass down. And we had a very special name we wanted to use and not go to waste.
We were excited and nervous to find out, but it really should have been no surprise. God is no liar. He told me back when Anna was an infant we would be having another girl, and there she was. And here she is, kicking me as I write.
If we make these decisions based on our own wisdom, we wouldn't have considered another child. Gosh, the expense of four children is enough to make one run away. We need a minivan. We need a new house, have needed a new house since we had Anna. (She sleeps in our room- enough said.) We have autism. But if we didn't decide to let God to provide for us, provide for our every need, we would have said no to another beautiful life that God wanted to be here. All of these minor inconveniences are not more important than our baby girl. The choice is simple. We choose her.
So that's our story. I pray it encourages someone else out there, who may be teetering, who just can't decide. If you look up women having babies in their 40's online, all you will find is gloom and doom. I actually found a few hopeful things, while sifting through the junk, and I am so glad I did. I asked God, I told Him I needed to hear from Him, and He answered me. God did make women's bodies to bear children until they can't anymore, despite the risks being higher in the 40's. God is the author of life; I am not. It is an honor to bear a child, one I am proud to do, and I do not take for granted, especially after our loss.
In regards to our last baby, I still love him or her. I often think about them. They would have been born in June. And I realized that this baby girl I am pregnant with now, would never have been conceived if I had not lost my other baby. Joy and sorrow, mingled together. That is often how they go. It reminds me of a hymn by Isaac Watts. All I want is to be faithful to my Lord. He put the thought in my head, He led me, and I was not going to swat His hand away. His love is so amazing, it demands my all!
- When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride. - Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood. - See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown? - Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
