35 Weeks

This past Sunday, I hit the 35 week mark, and it feels strange.  Once this milestone comes, it seems like it could happen any time, and that feeling that you never know when sort of looms over your every thought and decision.

Of course, I don't want Baby to come yet.  For health reasons, you want them in there as close to your due date as possible.  Babies are considered full-term at 37 weeks.  I would have been happy for Caleb to have come early (but beyond 37 weeks!) because I was so excited to meet my baby, but since things are different this time around, I will be happy if #2 stays snug and safe inside of me, until my mother is here and ready for overnight duty with Caleb.

My midwife was trying to help me devise a plan if I should go into labor a bit early.  Such things as bring Caleb with us to the hospital and let him sleep in the corner of the room, until, perhaps, someone can come get him.  (She seemed to think I'd go into labor when my mom was on the way up here.)  Ummmmm.... I know my baby, and he will not sleep without proper routines/structures in place, unless he falls asleep in the car.  Secondly, no way do I want him witnessing me yelling through the labor pains.  Way to scar him for life!  Not to mention, poor Daddy would be on Caleb and Mommy-in-labor duty, and that is too much for any man to handle.

For the time being, we are attempting to plug away at the long to-do list, which includes cleaning projects and some organizational duties.  As I have said before, my mom will be a great help to me with things I have not finished, such as washing baby things and cleaning the fridge.  My mom usually always cleans something when she comes here, even without asking me first, because she wants to be a help, and she knows it is hard with a little one running about.  When she finally arrives, I might collapse in her arms and weep with relief because I will finally feel like I'm not alone, and we have the help we need to drive off to the hospital and leave Caleb peacefully (hopefully!) behind.  I'm looking forward to having the time to prep my mom on Caleb's routine, because routine and structure are important to him, and I think even more so in the absence of Mommy and Daddy.

I'm feeling enormous these days, but thankfully, I am sleeping pretty well at night, but my appetite has been pretty ravenous lately.  Baby gains a pound each week at this point, and I am feeling it.  My appetite has finally leveled off, but for a few days straight, I felt like I could have eaten three times my weight.  

My mom and sister have faithfully been on the hunt for some baby things I've needed (and no, they don't know the gender), things I need myself (my sister ran out and got me socks when I said I was in need of some new pairs- so sweet!), and even stuff for Caleb.  My mom insisted I have new pjs for the hospital because my old ones are so stretched out they are literally falling off of me, and my sister started a book bin for Caleb, so that I can read to him while I am nursing the baby and he hopefully won't feel so left out.

We've started receiving a few gifts here and there, and while I was already given a million blankets with Caleb, I have begun receiving more.  Honestly, I don't know what to do with them all, because Caleb didn't even use half of his.  I might have to start donating them to the church clothing bin across the street from us.  I hate to do that, because I remember who gave each and every one, but no baby needs this many blankets, plus it is the summer.  By the time it will be colder, Baby will already be rolling over and kicking blankets off anyway.  (I don't even think Caleb used the blanket I myself had made for him!)  For whatever reason, it seems to be the most popular gift item.

Our church is throwing us a small shower and barbecue at a charming little park near us, and that is beyond nice of them, especially for a second baby.

I have not cooked any meals to put into the freezer for later, because honestly, I really don't like frozen food that has been reheated.  It just grosses me out.  I always taste "freezer" no matter how well it is wrapped.  I really have no plans at all as to how we will eat after the baby is born.  Brian can't cook at all (I love you, honey), so I guess we will play it by ear when the time comes.  I hope the initial exhaustion period won't last too long!

For now, we are concentrating on our to-do list, which includes fixing up both of our cars, and I still need to purchase a camera before this baby gets here!  

Please keep us in your prayers as we attempt to work hard around here, as well as provide some fun for Caleb this summer.  (If only the weather would cooperate.  Has it been raining dreadfully by all of you?)

It Feels So Good

Folks, Brian is officially on vacation!

Now, he still has his second job and his regular private student beyond that.  Additionally, he will be heading back to school a few times because there is an opening in the music department in his district, and he has to help with the interview process, but for the most part, he is ours this summer.

We wanted to start off on the right foot, because it is a busy week for sure.  I have three doctor's appointments, plus I need to make a trip to the DMV to renew my license (better do it now because who knows when I'll go into labor), and Brian has at least one car appointment (so far).  We had nothing scheduled today, so we knew we wanted to do something fun as a family and fun for our boy.

Caleb loved it.  We brought him last year, but he is much more aware now.  Not completely, mind you.  Sometimes we would try to direct his attention to an animal, but he was focused on something else altogether, but he definitely saw many animals and liked what he saw.  An otter, a monkey, and a tiger earned some big reactions from him.

The grounds were very muddy, which was to be expected since it just rained for two days straight.   Caleb was mostly in his stroller, because it is a lot of walking, and he was eating lunch, therefore, it works just to put his food in his snack tray.  He walked a bit at the end, but I don't think he was missing much... I would have liked to be pushed in a stroller, honestly.  That is how muddy and gross it was.

Other than that, it was so fun to go to a place we've gone to just about every summer.  Brian took me there our first summer dating in 2010, then engaged in 2011 (before we got married!), in 2012 just before we moved to our house and got pregnant, (we skipped 2013 because Caleb was so small then), and then last year.  It is always one of the first things we do in the summer as well.  And next year... we will have two children to take with us!

It feels so wonderful to have Brian home.  The pace is slower, though we have tons to do (yes, I have a list and it is long), it just feels so good to be a family.  I want to savor this moment and capture it forever... the feeling that we have when we have the whole summer before us as a family.  It is also wonderful to see Brian more at ease, with the weights and burdens of work lifted from his shoulders.

(I'll include pictures next chance I get... it is getting late and it always takes me awhile to upload pics on this old computer.  This thing definitely needs to be replaced... the screen barely works any more, but we are hoping to draw every last bit of breath that this thing has left in it.)

Caleb was pointing at the monkey through the glass.

This monkey was staring at Caleb without stopping.  It was pretty funny.  Perhaps he wanted Caleb's lunch.

This is a rare species.  You won't find him anywhere else!

This one too!

Not that I needed any persuasion not to pet the animals.  I am the daughter of two germophobic parents, so enough said.  I know that one day we might have to give in and let Caleb be a boy, but that, folks, is another day.  Thank goodness.

Here are my men with the llama. 

Of course, I had to take a photo of the bear.  Not too long ago, there were four bears in my backyard at 7:30 in the morning.  It is rough living here for this Jersey shore girl.

My Caleb gives the best kisses!

Stuck On the Road, Again

Do you know anyone who gets stranded on the side of the road more than us?

I didn't think so.

At the start of Brian's vacation today, we found ourselves stuck on the route outside our development, with no shoulder space, coming out of a curve, with a flat tire.

I immediately called Geico, who at first said they could send someone in three hours, "Say, what?", then upped it to ninety minutes.  We informed them that we would need a tow and that there were three of us, including a toddler, and they informed us they would not have room for all three of us.

Meanwhile, I called a lovely lady named Fran, whom I just had the pleasure of meeting today for the first time, whom I'm perfectly willing now to call my new best friend.  She is the mother of a private horn student of Brian's, and he goes to their house each week for lessons.  Fran and I text each other back and forth to arrange said lessons, but I had never met her face to face.  She is always so sweet, though, and has offered on occasion to go out and get something from the store for us, for example, on those freezing cold days in the middle of winter.

She doesn't live far, and she always seems so eager in her texts to help, that I thought of her immediately.  I called her and asked if she would/could come and rescue Caleb and me while Brian stayed with our car.  She said by all means she would, just as soon as she dropped her daughter off at her job.

And so our rescuer came.  We decided it would be way too much work to try to transfer the car seat to her car on a road with no shoulder, and it would be less dangerous for me to hold Caleb in my lap for the five minute drive back to our house, in the back seat of her car.  I had to stretch that seat belt quite a bit as I had to pull it not only over me and Caleb, but my baby bump, too!

She brought us home, lamenting all the while over the state of her car (a little bit messy), and I was lamenting over the fact that she'd see our house for the first time with completely unmowed lawn (our lawnmower broke and we had to buy new and only just received it), and the fact that my entryway stairs were unvacuumed.  She waited while I put together a quick lunch for Brian, not knowing how long he'd be stuck on the road, and she was going to bring it back to him.

Fran was like an angel today.  Brian was so relieved to get Caleb and me off the road, and I was relieved knowing she was bringing him food and water, though I still continued to worry about his safety around the bend of that road.

Thankfully, Brian arrived home over two hours later, with a doughnut tire on, and an appointment made for next week.  (Meanwhile, we still need major repair on my car, and he still has a safety recall on his car to take care of.)

When it rains, it pours.  Everything for us that could break, is doing so.  And I mean everything.

However, I am grateful, beyond grateful, that my Brian got back home to me safely, and I am so grateful that a new friend came to rescue me.  Thank you, Lord!

Day By Day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

I woke up this morning with the melody of this hymn in my head, and only the words, "and with each passing moment".  I couldn't remember anything else, as it hadn't been a hymn I was very familiar with.  But it was haunting me.  What are these words trying to run around in my head, I wondered?  I turned to Brian with those five words, and as best I could, gave him the melody, and while he didn't know all the words, pointed me to the hymn "Day By Day".  I wouldn't rest until I had googled it and devoured every word.  Immediate comfort and peace began to sweep over me.  I then e-mailed the entire hymn to Brian at work, where I knew he would need to read it this day.  

Life hasn't been easy for Brian and me this year.  We've had lots of unforeseen expenses come up.  It seems like everything goes or needs repair at once, from the big things, like the water heater, all the way down to the little things, like my camera.  While we already live frugally, it seems that we've had to do so even more.  

Caleb is in a very particularly challenging stage, and while I love him to the ends of the moon and beyond, the battles I have with him each day threaten to suck the joy right out of motherhood.  I told Brian, "I am so glad you are here with me this summer, because I cannot deal with this boy all on my own.  I need you."  Truly, I am much more confident with Brian by my side.

Of course, we are excited about our new baby, but nervous about the timing of labor, and of course labor itself!  Yikes, who looks forward to that pain?  And then I worry about caring for two children.

Then, just yesterday Brian got some good news at work, that quickly turned sour, and while that is way too complicated to explain here, let's just say that it is a trial that he has to face.

When I woke  up with the melody of this hymn trying to find its way into my head, I knew the Lord wanted me to focus on these words.  I feel His comfort and His presence, knowing that day by day, He gives what we can bear.  Even the pesky issue of labor and when it will all happen, I have to trust that it will work out.  God will see us through.

I hope these words encourage you today.  I know I'm going to be rereading them over and over, and I just might make Brian sing it to me later.

Father's Day & 34 Weeks

We celebrated Brian's third Father's Day yesterday, which is even better with another baby coming in six weeks or so.

I gave him his choice of breakfast and he chose waffles- I have a really good recipe with cinnamon in them- and I gave him his own stack of sausage that he didn't have to share with anyone.  He had two cards- one from me and the other from Caleb, and I purchased for him a leather key chain with a photo of Daddy and Caleb playing in the snow this past winter.

The card I had purchased for Brian jumped out at me from the rows and rows of cards.  On the cover it said, "To My Husband:  We Make Beautiful Music Together".  Of course, that speaks to Brian's heart!  While he is the musician and I am anything but, in marriage we make music all the time through balancing each other and working together.  I wrote these words in his card:  "I am the bow to your violin, the keys to your piano.  You provide the music- the carefree, spontaneous, and wild notes, while I provide the steady rhythm of routine.  Together, we balance each other, for by ourselves, we are incomplete."

Truly, I need Brian.  I am the structured one, Ms. Rigid if you will, and sometimes, I forget to simply throw my head back and laugh.  Brian brings an element of fun and joy into our home that we so desperately need.  Without him, it wouldn't be the same at all.  Caleb adores his Daddy, and I know the child that our God is still knitting together in my womb will love him, too.

On another note, I reached 34 weeks yesterday.  I can hardly believe I have only six weeks to go!  I am getting nervous, that is for sure.  I am registered at babycenter.com, just as I was with Caleb, for weekly baby updates, and it said this:

Make a labor contingency plan. You may go into labor early or have a complication that requires you to be in the hospital longer than you anticipated. Give at least one friend or neighbor the keys to your house in case you need something and can't get home. Line up people to do the following on a moment's notice:

• Take care of children
• Drive older children to and from school and to any after school activities
• Feed the dog, water the plants, get the mail

Ummmm.... I can't do anything else besides wait for my mom to come here when I hit 39 weeks.

It'll be an interesting July, that's for sure.  My body feels so heavy, and just going to the park in the heat is becoming a bother.  I let Brian do the majority of the fun park stuff with Caleb.  I can push him in the swing and catch him at the bottom of the slide, but I let Brian do the rest of the work.  I just don't have it in me.  We plan to do some fun activities this summer before the baby comes, but I know each thing we do is going to try me in some way, especially in the heat.  Thank goodness for Brian!

The first fun activity we have planned is the zoo next week.  It will be so much more fun for Caleb this year than last, because obviously, he is so much more aware.  He's going to love it!

So glad Daddy has only three work days left after today (and graduation)!

Crawling to the Finish Line

Brian's last day of school is one week from tomorrow, and then he has to lead the "Pomp & Circumstance" at graduation that following Saturday.

Then, he's done.  Done, done, done!

He'll still work his second job this summer, but that is much more manageable and easier to deal with.

However, it feels as though we are crawling to the finish line.  Brian is still recovering from work overload, and I am just trying to stay awake during the day.  (Caleb's speech therapist was here yesterday, and truly, I couldn't keep my eyes open when I was on the couch at one point.  This anemia is NO JOKE, but being in the third trimester takes some of the blame, too.)

Caleb is creating all sorts of battles these days, and throwing things in a rage is at the top of the list.  I already fear for our second child's safety, so when the Sheriff (Daddy) is home this summer, this is one of the things he'll be tackling head-on.  (Yes, we have been dealing with it already- tirelessly. But Caleb persists.)  I truly wonder, when Daddy goes back to work, if I'll be able to run down to grab the laundry for a moment and leave Caleb alone with the baby.  He clobbers the cat all the time... I'm not sure I'll be able to trust him.

Once July hits, oh boy, buckle your seat belts!  The pace of activities, appointments, cleaning jobs, and baby preparation is going to be ridiculous.  Some things we just won't get done because there isn't enough time.  (Repainting the front steps, for example, which we just did last summer, but they chipped badly during the winter, seems like a dream.)

For now, I have to take a deep breath.  We'll have to take each project, one at a time, and do our best.

This little baby is moving around within me all the time now.  The movements are so defined, they are beyond a mere kick or elbow poke.  Sometimes it is hard to fathom that there is a living thing within me... it is truly amazing.  I remember after Caleb was born, I tucked him up into the fetal position on my lap, and tried to picture him in my belly.  He seemed too big to ever fit there!  It's one of life's most beautiful miracles.

Caleb sometimes reaches out to pat my belly.  I have told him endlessly of the baby that lives there right now, but I really doubt he can fully understand.  He's hardly seen any babies, for one.  He has no clue about siblings to boot.  But I get the sense that sometimes he knows something is in there, even if he isn't sure what.

It is hard to believe we will soon be a family of four.  Four years ago this August, we were married. Four years later, we will be multiplied to four.  While that isn't a large family by any means, it is still amazing.  To us, at least!

So here's to the finish line, and whether we make it there by running, walking, or crawling, we'll get there!

Pregnancy Update: 33 Weeks

Only seven weeks to go!

I am definitely getting more and more tired.  Since I am anemic, that certainly doesn't help matters. When my midwife first talked to me about it, I thought she told me I was almost anemic, but not quite.  Then, the following visit, I learned that I misunderstood her and she actually said that I am anemic, but that I am almost "not".  I have been taking more iron, but it takes a couple of months to overcome.  Sometimes, I am fighting trying not to fall asleep on the couch when Caleb is running around, and when I am driving- oh, boy!  I want to fall asleep so badly and have to resort to slapping my face to keep myself awake.  One day when reading Caleb his bedtime stories before nap, I almost fell over because I was just so ready to go to sleep.

I have developed the pregnancy waddle at this point, and for the first time today, I found myself short of breath after coming upstairs from tossing a load of laundry in.

Sleep is touch and go.  I always start sleep on my right side, where I am most comfortable, then after I get up to use the restroom, I switch to my left side, but with my left side I have to use a pregnancy pillow for support.  Brian has been snoring a lot lately because he is overworked/overtired, and it has been keeping me up, and we are working to get him to sleep on his sides instead of his back.

The heat doesn't help, and it will be a looooooong summer, I think, with a big belly, trying to stay comfortable while in bed.

It isn't easy right now.  Battling exhaustion while trying to not only stay on top of the daily chores, but accomplish bigger projects before the baby gets here, seems impossible sometimes.  Simply put, I am worn out.

I look forward to having my body back again, but the exhaustion will continue with a newborn. Some day I'll feel normal again!

Caleb's First Haircut (and other ramblings)

Guess who got his first haircut ever?!  Caleb still doesn't have quite a full head of hair, and he's following right in the footsteps of his cousins (my sister's kids), because all four of hers had hair that was slow coming.  He had these annoying wispies (yes, I made up this word), that I was constantly tucking behind his ear, and smoothing upward around his neck, to make it not so obvious.  With the summer coming, Brian and I decided it was time to make the first snip.

Before Photo

I didn't know where to take him around here, because there aren't too many salons, and the one I've gone to on occasion closed down.  I found out there was another tucked behind a gas station just down the street from us, so I went for it and brought him there.  I was pleasantly surprised, and while I'm turned off by most hair stylists (very worldly in their speech, etc.), I actually liked the lady who cut Caleb's hair.  I'm not saying she's pious and godly, but she was upbeat and cheerful, and was so friendly to Caleb, that I liked her instantly.  I liked her so much, I decided to make an appointment with her for myself next week.  (My hair has not seen scissors since October.)

My little man doesn't look happy, does he?  He just got done crying.  As soon as I put him in the chair, the wailing commenced.  I tried spinning the chair around and making it fun for him, and when the stylist got to work, I think he became so interested in what was going on, that he calmed down.

I asked Kate, the hair dresser, if she minded being in a photo, and she said she didn't.  

She let me gather a few strands, which I have as a keepsake in an envelope!

Immediately after, but not the best shot to see his haircut.

And these last two are from today.

I had a prenatal appointment this morning, and of course, Caleb came with me.  My midwife puts him on a chair to stand beside me, and she helps him hold the doptone over my belly so we can hear the heartbeat.  I began to schedule the majority of the remainder of my prenatal appointments (except for one or two at the end, depending), and I can scarcely believe how little time I have left.  It is getting tricky, because my midwife leaves town July 28th through August 2nd, and my due date is August 2nd.  I have two upcoming appointments scheduled with the other midwife in the practice, at the location near the hospital.  I remember her from last time and like her a lot- I just hope she'll be willing to take me on should labor happen when my midwife is away.  My midwife keeps joking with me that I'll go into labor right on July 26th, when my mom heads here.

July is an extremely busy month.  I also have three other doctor appointments, having nothing to do with Baby- it is just the time of the year for them.  Combine this with trying to do one major fun thing a week with Caleb- like the zoo- and I have no idea how we'll get everything we need to get done before the baby comes.  Both our cars need fixing.  The front steps need repainting.  I need to purchase a new camera and more cloth diapers.  I would love to purchase shelves for Caleb's room, which he is soon to share.  I need to set up all the baby stuff, and reorganize Caleb's drawers once I purchase extra storage.  Not to mention all the cleaning I still need to do before Baby comes, and I'll basically be too tired to do anything.

I am truly overwhelmed.  If you know me, I am a doer.  I am great on staying on top of the daily chores, but when I have a lot to do in a short time, I get overwhelmed very easily.  This is one reason why I cannot wait for my mom to come.  I want to clean the entire kitchen before she comes, but if I am lagging behind, she'll gladly step in and help me with whatever I missed.  She will be a comfort to me in the final days, if Baby hasn't made his/her presence yet.  (Truth be told, if my mom wasn't working, I would have her come up earlier.)

I felt much more prepared the first time around.  I'm not sure why that is, except that my time was my own and I didn't have a child to share it with.  It's a lot tougher now.  Before, I could spend the whole day cleaning if I wanted.  Now, I have a toddler who needs love, attention, and play.  

Yes, I know this too shall pass.  If the house isn't scrubbed from top to bottom, oh, well.  The baby is still coming home to a loving place, and that's what matters the most.

Still, if you could keep us in your prayers, I'd be more than grateful.

I know you can barely see them in this photo (I zoomed as far as it would go), but there is a mama kitty and her five kittens hanging out by our fire pit and wood pile.  They crawl into the wood pile to hide, but they are out in the open plenty.  Brian brought them a bit of Pocono's food this morning, and we are trying to decide if we need to call a shelter or not.  I guess we'll see what happens!

Scary Dream

It is a known fact that pregnant women have weird dreams.  To be honest, I haven't remembered the majority of my dreams during this pregnancy, so I cannot attest to having weird dreams.  Very early in this pregnancy, when it was too early to take the test, I dreamed that I was pregnant, but there haven't been too many very clear, real dreams since.

I have mentioned here more than once that I am worried about the timing of labor.  After all, we have no one local to swoop in and take care of Caleb when the time comes to go to the hospital, and our hospital is 50 minutes away, so it isn't like Brian can handle both tasks.  At 39 weeks, my mom will be here, but before that, yikes!

I dreamed last night that Caleb was here alone.  (It wasn't during labor.)  The dream found us in the middle of the situation, but Brian and I were down visiting my parents (which looked nothing like their place), when I woke up in the morning there and realized we had left Caleb back at our house- two and a half hours away!  It was five in the morning, and I knew he'd be waking up just then, and I was terrified!  I told Brian we have to go, NOW!

When I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I felt such relief.  After all, I would never do such a thing.  I don't even drive down the street to get the mail when Caleb is in his crib.  The house could catch on fire in one minute- who knows?  It isn't worth the risk.  His life is far too precious.

When I went to pick up Caleb out of his crib, I explained to him the dream, and I said, "Don't worry; Mommy and Daddy would never do that to you."

It was interesting to have this dream, because it is obviously something I am very worried about. Even if I go into labor when my mom is here (Lord willing!), I am not thrilled to leave Caleb, because I have never done so, and none of us are used to it!  He has never been babysat by anyone. Obviously, if we lived near families, we would have grandparents/aunts watch him at times while we dealt with doctor's appointments and whatnot.  Not having that option means I am always with Caleb. Leaving him is definitely causing me anxiety, especially when I don't know how the timing of labor will work out.

To all you out there who live near your families:  I am jealous.  It is no fun to be isolated and alone.

Growing Family... Growing Nerves!

I wrote a couple of posts ago that I am nervous about labor, now that I know just the amount of pain that awaits.  I'm also worried, and praying fervently, about the timing of labor (praying it won't happen until my mom is safely ensconced here in our home and when my midwife is not out-of-town, which she will be a few days before and up to my due date).

I am also nervous about having two children.  It hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks.  It had been a crazy week last week with Brian off and doing one event after another, and yesterday we went to a concert in which he was performing.  I suddenly realized in the midst of all the busyness- I am 32 weeks along- only 8 weeks to go!

When pregnant with Caleb, I wasn't worried.  How hard would it be taking care of one child?  Of course it isn't easy, but there is nothing else competing for my attention.  Now with #2 coming soon, I am nervous.  Caleb is such a handful.  He can be very demanding, and he is also very particular. Things have to be just so for him.  (Wonder where he gets that from?)  He is always up early, making me wonder how in the world I will ever get enough rest, when I will be up nursing a baby all night, and cannot sleep in with that baby.

I've definitely heard other parents admit to that fear of wondering how they will care for two, when being used to one.  Similarly, it is quite the opposite when awaiting #3.  Somehow after having two and making that adjustment, the adjustment to three is much more of a breeze (or so I have heard).

I'm so used to our routine now, and knowing that it will soon be disrupted completely is definitely nerve-wracking.  What if the baby needs a feeding during Caleb's bedtime routine, and Brian isn't home?  Will I be even able to take a shower on the nights Brian works?

I am always telling my mom newborns are easy, much easier than toddlers, with the exception of being up all night doing feedings.  However, a newborn and a toddler definitely have me worried. Caleb is a handful on his own, with all his throwing toys and temper tantrums.

That is another thing.  Caleb is definitely fully emerged in the "throwing things" stage.  I was hit in the eye just yesterday with a hard toy.  Obviously, we are dealing with this and not just letting him get away with it, but he is a slow learner in this regard.  Of course, I worry about an object hitting the baby, because Caleb has some surprisingly good throws.  I'm SO glad Brian will be home this summer to help me reign Caleb in a bit.  Caleb definitely needs Daddy's firm hand and strong presence.

(Side note:  Caleb is ALL boy.  He and Daddy do a lot of tackling together, which is fine for Brian, but when Caleb comes running up toward me, I have to protect my belly!  He comes full force, and I have to put my arms in front of myself to protect the baby!  I am definitely a girly-girl and physically very delicate, so it is a challenge for me, having such a rough-and-tumble boy!  I remind myself that a balance is needed, and I will teach Caleb to be soft and gentle when he needs to be. Thank goodness he has Daddy, who loves getting down on the floor and wrestling with him!)

I guess all this to say:  It's just different this time around.  With Caleb, since he was my first, it was all excitement.  Now I know how draining motherhood is, how tiring, how demanding.  I do love it! But it isn't easy, either.  In fact, it is the hardest thing I've ever done.  Caleb is the toughest boss I've ever had (and I've had lots of jobs!).  This time around, there are the worries and the wonders:  Can I do it all?  Am I enough?

If you are wondering where in the world my faith is, don't worry, it is still there!  Of course, I trust in the Lord.  He made me and made my children and put us together, so I am confident I will find my way, eventually.  It may not be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is!

June: In Like a Lion

It's been a busy start to June for us.  Mostly for Brian, but it affects me, too!

This poor guy has had way too many events this week.  Probably the first scheduled thing was his yearly band festival, in which he takes his junior high and senior high bands to be judged and evaluated.  Nerve-wracking, indeed!  This field trip was yesterday morning through the late afternoon, as it was two hours away from his school, and he didn't get back to the school until about 5:30.

After that event wrapped up, and Brian got instruments back in his classroom, etc., he was off to another event.  He realizes now that he should not have said "yes" to this, but he is performing on his horn in a concert this Sunday.  He had rehearsal Monday night, and then again last night, and this rehearsal/concert is one and a half hours away!  On Monday, he managed to sneak home for a couple of hours before heading off, though it meant more driving, but Thursday there was no hope for it. Long nights for Brian mean long nights for me, because while I love my Caleb, back-up is welcome and appreciated, especially since we are in the throwing/"I'm not happy unless I'm getting my way" stage.  Also, I ALWAYS wait up for Brian.  My mom and sister think I'm ridiculous not to just go to bed, but I can't.  I'm just like my father.  I worry about my husband on the road, driving late at night, just as he did about me.  Not to mention the fact that I want to see him, to hear how things went, and to be able to offer him a late snack.

Then, if this isn't enough, Brian has a field trip all day Saturday with his students.  He'll be up early and out the door, just as he normally is.  For me, this is really hard, because though he usually works part-time for a few hours, he is home enough to give me a bit of a reprieve from the battles of toddler-hood by myself.

Sunday is the concert in which he is performing, and again, it is an hour and a half away.  Since it is in the afternoon, I'm thinking I might wake Caleb early from his nap so we can all go together.  Don't ask me how I'm going to sit through an entire concert with a toddler.  I haven't figured that out yet. He'll be good for a time, but I doubt the whole time.  Not to mention he babbles loudly, and I'm sure that will be a disturbance to others.  However, I'd rather us all go then for me and Caleb to sit home again for the fourth time this week without Daddy.

We are more than ready for the summer to begin.  People always say to Brian, "You're so lucky you have the summers off."  Yes, it is indeed a nice benefit, but he could not do what he does all year long.  His teaching job has so many extra events beyond the regular work day, that many times he comes home at bedtime (or later), or he's gone the entire day Saturday.  The music teacher's job is not an easy one!

When he is doing all these extra things, I feel it, too.  I love my Caleb to the ends of the moon, but he can be very draining for me.  I once told my sister, who has four kids, "I think I am more lonely now, having a child, than I was before I had one."  She understood completely.  I think this is true mainly when they are little.  I love him and love being with him, and have no desire to schlep him off to babysitters.  But, he takes and takes from me, all day long.  I give and pour myself out to not only meet his main needs, but to keep him busy, happy, entertained, etc.  It is exhausting, especially when he's so little, when I can't turn my back on him for a second.

This week, Brian and I are both worn out, and unfortunately, things won't be normal until Monday, when the new week begins!

We can't wait to just be a family this summer.  We'll try to combine fun with hard work in July.  We have lots of baby prep stuff to do, whether it is things to buy or set up.  However, we want to at least do one fun event, for example, the zoo, each week before it is clear I can't do those things any more. We should have three weeks, maybe four if we stay closer to home the last week of July.  (Most things here are at least an hour away, and I'm not sure I'll want to be that far from home so close to my due date.)

For now, getting through this week/weekend will be enough!