Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Ultrasound Disappointment

I had my second ultrasound yesterday.  I had thought that I would get on here and post pictures of our baby.

Except that we only got one, and it was pathetic at best.

It turns out that the hospital's ultrasound technology is seriously lacking.  My regular ob-gyn office is loaded with all the latest:  3D/4D and a wonderful, flat-screen t.v. so mom and dad can sit back and watch comfortably.

I had to strain my neck just to see the screen yesterday.  Not that there was much to see.  The images were poor, in fact, so poor that Caleb's ultrasounds were way better, and that was before the office had 3D/4D.

Normally, I watch every moment of the ultrasound knowing I am gazing on my baby, savoring every moment and treasuring it, because I won't get the chance again until the birth.  Not so yesterday.  In fact, I was kind of glad when it was over.  It didn't help that the technician was a young guy with absolutely no personality.... certainly didn't have any maternal instincts that the ladies that I've always had in the past have had.  In fact, he barely explained anything at all.

Sigh.

I shouldn't complain.  After all, these strides in technology have only come recently.  For centuries, women got by without anything at all, and didn't even dream there would ever be anything different. I will have to bide my time, and wait until I see my little one for real, which will be far better than any ultrasound any way.

We DID find out the gender... I was sort of amazed Mr. Ultrasound Man with ZERO personality was able to even come to any sort of conclusion.  That alone was worth it, and I'm glad that we have avoided the months of wondering, as I explained in my previous post.

Therefore, we will have to savor all the photos we received from our baby's first ultrasound at 14 weeks.  I was so wanting to see his/her face while a bit older now in 3D... but alas, it was not meant to be.  If I had known how bad the technology was, I perhaps would have waited for my office to be available in April, but I had no idea.  I am not one of those people that asks for repeat ultrasounds. No one knows how or if the technology can affect the baby, and I will only get ultrasounds that are necessary.

So, our little one, we'll wait instead to see your real face, which will be far better than a mere image. We love you, and we are waiting for you.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Caleb Update: The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly

Our sweet little boy is 22 months old, happily trucking along on his way to his second birthday. Daddy and I can't believe it.

It is both wonderful and frustrating (not to mention overwhelming) to see how he's changed, even since the school year began.  Some changes are marvelous!  Others, are well, not.

Some of the good:

Caleb is clearly growing in physical affection.  I am the major recipient of it, as I am the one home with him all the time, but he doesn't do the same things with Brian as he does with me.  He definitely shows a softer side toward me.  He gives me kisses, gently strokes my face, leans his face close to mine, strokes my back, and almost wraps his arms around me when I'm on the floor.  If' I'm on the floor, he often tries to climb into my lap or lay his head on my back.  He is clearly liking the opportunity to be more physical. With Brian, he's a bit more rough around the edges, because the two of them wrestle together, and while he can be rough at times with me, he definitely saves his softer side for me.  (A man after my own heart, I must say.)

He is a good imitator, which is great when it comes to chores.  He absolutely loves it when I vacuum. It is our thing we do together.  He follows me around with his scooter and mimics my movements with his wheels.  He's actually been doing this for a while.  I recently was showing him how to dust furniture, and now he reaches for the dusting cloths himself and tries it on his own.  So cute.

Caleb definitely likes a place for everything and everything in its place.  Not that he doesn't make messes.  Of course he does!  But he is also very good at putting things back.  I think he has also picked this up from me, as I can't stand things scattered on the floor all day long- he's learned to put things away, too.  If I let him play with his plastic fork after dinner, he will run to the dishwasher and put it in the silverware holder when he's done with it.

Some of the difficulties:

Here I'm not sure where to begin.  After all, no one likes to speak badly of their own child!  However, we've stumbled into some hard times recently, and things that did not used to be battles have suddenly erupted into World War III.

It is very hard to "take care" of Caleb.  He makes it extremely difficult.  He fights diaper changes and runs around the room or out of the room, making it the most annoying thing in the world for me.  He will fight nap time in the very beginning, until I hook his interest with his bedtime stories.  He absolutely refuses to get his fingernails and toenails clipped, and while it takes both me and Brian to wrestle him into submission to get his fingernails cut, he still has some long toenails that are driving me crazy.  Some of that is that his foot is very ticklish, and even holding it in my hand drives him bananas- the rest is just lack of submission, as he fights the fingernails also.  I used to have no problems brushing his teeth, but just earlier this week, it has started to become a battle, and he runs around and tries to escape me.  When he does this, I put him in his pack 'n play for a time out, which he despises, and when he stops yelling like a crazy person, then I brush his teeth while in the pack 'n play, and he's ready for it by that time.

My sweet boy can be very demanding, and if something is not done in two seconds, boy, does he let you know how he feels about it.  He makes for a very tough boss!  In fact, all my tough bosses in the past now look easy in comparison.  He whines, a lot, and that is no doubt due to the fact that he still cannot say any words, but it does wear on me to hear it all the livelong day.

Wrangling him for bedtime has become difficult on the nights Brian isn't home to help me.  I don't know if Caleb is just more used to it with the two of us, or what, but he runs like the dickens and makes the task something I dread when Brian isn't home.  Once I have him dressed, his teeth brushed, his hands and face washed and we read stories, we are good to go.  I absolutely love holding him in my lap- sitting cheek to cheek- while I read stories, read the Bible, pray aloud, and do one last brief nursing.  With Brian home, I do love it even more, though, because it is that much more wonderful to be all together.

Those are just a few updates on Caleb.  I love him more than life.  We definitely are in a trying time, and to be honest, there are some days and moments I feel like sticking my head in the snow for a good long while.  I compare notes with my sister, who has four, and Caleb just seems to be more tough and defiant than any of hers.  He definitely does not like to give in easily, and teaching him how to be submissive is a long journey for us.  It is tiring and draining for sure, and when Brian is gone extra (two nights in a row this past week), I can be worn to the bone myself.  I stumble and fall all the time, and I even ask for Caleb's forgiveness (not that he can understand, but I do it anyway), if I've lost my patience with him.  I know this is just a season, but man, it is a hard one!

One thing is for sure:  Caleb is a fighter.  I trust that we will be able to corral all that energy and put it toward the greater good- serving our Lord with all his might, and fighting for Him, not against Him. If we can teach him that, we'll be successful parents indeed!


Thursday, March 19, 2015

Winter's Last Hurrah

Since we are faced with a Winter Weather Advisory tomorrow from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., I begrudgingly called my doctor's office and canceled the ultrasound I had scheduled for 3 p.m.

We had been looking forward to this for the past couple of weeks.

My office is so booked that I cannot get in until April, so I had to schedule my ultrasound at the hospital instead.

What's the big deal if we have a delay?  Well, when you are an expectant parent, it is a big deal!  It's been a month since my last prenatal visit, and my next regular appointment isn't until next week since my midwife is away this week, when I am actually due.  I am anxious for a healthy update on my little one.  (There's nothing like hearing that heartbeat!)

Also, though this is important for only Brian and me at this point, we are finding out the gender this time around.  However, we are keeping it to ourselves.  Why?  We have a reason, but we are keeping that reason to ourselves as well.  (Gosh, aren't we secretive?  Frankly, we can't help it.)

I was always a big believer in surprise births.  I sort of scoffed at finding out the gender beforehand. Why ruin such a wonderful, glorious surprise?  For me, it is pretty simple.  We are both hoping for a girl pretty badly.  I have always wanted a girl.  Having both a mother and a sister that I am close to, and now I live far from, I would love to have a little girl with whom to cook, shop, crochet, etc. Also, when your son leaves, he leaves.  But your daughter you have forever.  (I talk to my mom just about everyday.  Men don't care for that kind of daily connection, and frankly, don't need it.  It is different with women.)

I don't want to go through the pregnancy hoping and picturing a girl (as I sort of already am), and then have Brian announce, "It's a boy" and to welcome him into the world with any kind of disappointment.  That is why I want to know up front.  If our little one is a boy, I want to know, so I have the time now to get over my disappointment.  Not that I will be disappointed IN HIM, you understand.  But since this is most likely our last baby, this is the last chance we have for a girl.  I would mourn the loss of a girl, not the addition of another boy.  (I love my Caleb tremendously, and I would love another boy, too.)

I've already warned my mom and sister not to fish for any information... I will not let on either way, though I'm sure they are wishing I'd let them in on the news.  (Although, the joke could be on us and Baby might not cooperate during the ultrasound, and we might not find out anyway.)

So winter is going to have one last party tomorrow, on the first day of spring.  He's put a damper on our plans, that's for sure.

But we won't let him win.  Spring is coming, and there is nothing winter can do about it.

(Thank goodness my baby is coming in the summer, and not the winter.  With a long drive to the hospital, and as many snow storms we've had, I'm just relieved that's something we won't have to battle.  All we'll have to worry about is a thunderstorm.  Thank you, Lord!)

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Another Letter To March

Dear March,

After my letter to you, things started to look up around here.  (Although, I got sick and was still housebound anyway, but you are not to blame for that.)

Now things are taking a turn once again.  We currently have snow showers going on right now, but that's not the worst of it.  The forecast is calling for 1-3 inches this Friday, and I'm not sure if you realized this, but we have our ultrasound scheduled.  This has been the highlight of the past couple of weeks that my husband and I have been looking forward to.  After being sick, and Brian working several long nights and conducting a concert, this was a light at the end of the tunnel for us.

As it is a fifty minute drive in a good weather and little traffic, obviously it would be a huge risk in snow, and given the fact that neither of our vehicles are good in the snow.

I even called my healthcare office to see about the possibility of rescheduling, and since they have very few slots open (and nothing for a couple of weeks), I opted to keep this appointment for now and pray the weather forecast would change.  Obviously, I would feel like a fool if I canceled now and the storm turned out to be a light dusting.

I realize you are an iffy month.  Anything can happen.  But Friday is the first day of Spring.  Could you please do us a favor so we can see our baby, as we are so longing to do?

I hope it is not too much to ask.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
An anxious, hopeful mommy

Monday, March 16, 2015

Pregnancy: Halfway Mark


Can you believe it?  Yesterday, I reached twenty weeks!

Pregnancy is so different the second time around.  With the first, your unborn child is your every thought.  You are counting down the months and the weeks until the due date.  You are making plans and to-do lists galore.  You cannot wait to hold your baby in your arms.

For me, with the second, it is different.  While certainly there is some of the above, it just isn't as much so, obviously due to Caleb.  He is here, and he is now.  He demands my time and attention. While I do think of the babe in my womb constantly, it is just... different than when I was carrying Caleb.  While I can't wait to meet him or her, I am more patient this time.  I guess that is because I know how fast it all goes.  August will come soon enough.

As far as "nesting", I do have that quality, but so far, due to morning sickness, fatigue, and then the virus is that is finally starting to give me a reprieve, I haven't gotten much done.  I am hoping that over the next few months, I'll be able to get a lot more accomplished.

It is also strange to think about loving another child as I love my Caleb.  I know I will!  But I think a lot of people have this problem when awaiting their second child.  You are so used to having one to dote on, that the thought of having two feels strange.  I think once people have two, a third on the way is no longer a weird idea.

This Friday is our second and final ultrasound, unless of course, an ultrasound is needed at a later date for health/safety concerns.  Brian will be taking off of work early so we can take the hour drive, along with Caleb, and head near the hospital where the office is located.

I've been feeling Baby move more and more, and it is a comfort to me to know he/she is doing all right.  We panic as mothers so easily.  For example, if I wake up in the middle of the night on my back (a pregnant woman is not supposed to sleep on her back because it cuts off a major artery that goes to the baby), I immediately think something horrific has happened.  (Sometimes today we have TOO MUCH information.)

I love going to my prenatal appointments, which are usually very brief, and hearing the baby's heartbeat.  To have those few seconds in which I can hear my baby- it is beautiful indeed.

We love this little one already.  We are so excited to be a family of four.  We are excited to see how the family dynamics will change with two adults and two children.  Caleb will have to get used to no longer being Numero Uno, but it will be a good thing in the long run.  He is so used to having Mommy's full attention, all day long.  This will be hardest on him most of all, but a blessing to learn how to share, and to realize the world doesn't revolve around "me" only.  (Really, is there no better way to learn this than having a sibling?)


I am definitely bigger this time around.  My sister assures me that it is due to the fact that the uterus is already stretched out.  Truth be told, my appetite has waned lately, due to sickness, so I know I am not overeating.  (By the way, if I look awful in the photo, I am still getting over this dreadful virus.)

We can't wait to see our baby in 3D (and 4D) this Friday!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Can't Wait To Feel Like Myself Again

I mentioned in my last post that I am sick.  Unfortunately, nothing has changed here.

Brian called out of his second job on Saturday so he could be home to help me.  He called out of work Monday and Tuesday, and came home early yesterday.  Today he is back for the full day, but he is calling out of his second job tonight.

Tomorrow I am on my own- the whole day- as Brian has a band event at his school in the evening.

Saturday we will have to wait to see if I need him or not.

Does all this sound extreme?

I rarely get sick like this.  Aside from the typical cold, I don't usually get these kinds of debilitating, must stay-in-bed types of illnesses.

That is where I should be now.

But life goes on.  I have a toddler to take care of, and I have realized since entering toddler hood, that they are the most demanding creatures on earth to care for.  I was sick when Caleb was two weeks old, and I thought that was hard.  That was nothing!  Toddlers are constantly on the go, constantly demanding a new snack, a new DVD, and run around the room instead of coming to you when it is time for a new diaper.  They are too little to understand the fact that mommy is weak, tired, and about to collapse.  While I was in bed the other day when Brian was home, Caleb was still coming to me, bringing his snack cup, wanting a replenishment.

It's been a while in which I've felt like myself.  December brought morning sickness and fatigue, and the fatigue continued into January.  I started to feel better in February, but then we all got sick for a few days.  I thought we were past it, ready to move on, but by the end of February, sickness invaded our home once again, taking Brian down first.  I seemed to get it the worst of all, and I just can't seem to shake my symptoms... no doubt because I don't have an antibiotic to speed things along.

The second trimester is supposed to be the best, when mommies feel the most refreshed and energetic.  Not so much for me this year!

I am just grateful that the baby is coming in August and not sooner.  I still have so much I want to do as far as cleaning and organizing, and I can't do any of it right now.

If you are reading this, I sure could use your prayers for a speedy recovery.  I am writing this blog as a break of sorts... needing to sit down after preparing breakfast for Caleb and me.  But it is time to get up, brush our teeth, and get a fresh diaper on a little boy who will be difficult to corral.

I will need to sit down when that's all done.

**The one good thing about all of this?  Since staying in bed more, I've gotten to feel our baby's movements.  Slowing down and being still really helps, especially this early on.  Already, Baby feels very active!

Monday, March 9, 2015

Times When It's Especially Hard Being Away From Family

So I'm writing this as my head feels like it is detached from my body.  I am sick; Caleb is still mildly sick; and Brian is getting over his sinus infection.

Brian took off last Monday due to his own health (after sleeping most of the weekend), before Caleb and I had gotten sick.  Then, Caleb started with a mild cough and slowly got worse, and we brought him to the doctor's last Wednesday. I started to fall apart on Thursday, struggling because Brian didn't come home either Thursday night nor Friday night due to work obligations.  So it was sick mama + sick toddler, without any help- all day and all evening long.

I've continued to fall apart since then, as Caleb slowly improved.  Today, Brian was forced to call out because I simply cannot take care of anyone else by myself.

These are the times when it is hard being here on our own.  How I wish I could call my mom!  She'd come right over, stroke my forehead with her hand, and just be my mom.  She'd clean up the kitchen counters, look after Caleb, and force me to relax.

As it is looking right now, Brian will have to call out tomorrow.  Brian took me to emergency care today, and I was treated for a viral infection, but later in the day developed a pretty strong wheezing (which is usually indicative of bronchitis).  I called the doctor back to let him know, and he called in an inhaler for me at the pharmacy.  I am limited to what antibiotics I can have due to 1)pregnancy 2) nursing (even though it is very, very minimal) and 3) the fact that I am allergic to four main antibiotics.  I walked away today with only ear drops and an inhaler as my defense mechanisms.

So at this rate, we are wondering when in the world Brian will be able to go back to work, because without an antibiotic, it will take me that much longer to heal.

Then to add to the drama of the day, Caleb developed a rash- a clear sign of allergy to his antibiotic, thus taking after his mommy.

My house is a mess, I feel horrible, I'm not cooking any meals, and we are surviving on take out.

How I miss my own mother at times like this.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

A Letter to March

Dear March,

I've always liked you.  You provide a gentle reprieve, following the long, cold months of December, January, and February.  You are always welcome with open arms, which, by the way, are more than ready to be shed of our heavy winter coats.

But, so far, you've been a letdown this year.  I know the weather forecast shows warmer days ahead, but you decided you had to prove your bravado by roaring in like a lion.  It simply wasn't enough that we've suffered through snow after snow, with temps well below zero a number of times, and I and my husband forced to kneel in front of the kitchen cabinet, holding the blow dryer on our frozen pipes. More than once.  And yes, we took precautions.  (One day it took me THE WHOLE DAY to get them unthawed.)

It wasn't enough that Caleb and I have been trapped indoors for the majority of the winter.  Our driveway has been a slippery death trap, and while I managed to sneak out with Caleb last week once or twice, you simply HAD to bring not one, but three more snows since you started five days ago, thus covering up our well-worn foot path, and making carrying him, plus myself with my growing girth, impossible.  (And I'm sure you know the snow is way too deep for his little legs to walk in, not too mention far too slippery. Adults can barely manage the task.)

Did you not see that both our cars have been parked at the end of the driveway, due to all the snow that could not be consistently shoveled, since my husband has been sick TWICE?  Since yesterday, his car has been stuck in the snow, and he's forced to drive my '93 Prizm.

Though I cannot blame you for this, we're all on our second round of sickness in our house (which is way worse than the first!), and it has been quite the task trying to care for a sick toddler when all I want to do is collapse myself.

Okay.  I've said enough.  I cannot blame you for everything.  After tomorrow, the forecast shows that the temps will start rising to the thirties, then forties, and even two days show the early fifties! There is hope... after today and tomorrow.

So I beg you:  please bring your warmth and sunshine.  Please melt this snow.  Please let us see our driveway again.  I want to leave the house without it being such an exhausting physical battle.

I have faith in you.  Please don't let me down.  By the end of this month, I want to put all my bulky maternity sweaters away.

Thank you.  I know you won't fail me.

Sincerely,

A frustrated, tired, and trapped mama