Forever Safe by Jody Hedlund

Today, I will be featuring a book review by bestselling author, Jody Hedlund.  While this blog has only about two readers, because not many people want to read about our boring lives, I thought I'd shake things up here with something different.

I received a free copy of this book in advance in exchange for a positive review, but the opinions that I am sharing are my own.  In other words, no one is holding a gun to my head.  (I am sure you are relieved.)

Forever Safe is the fourth book in Jody's Beacons of Hope series.

Victoria Cole is a beautiful, rich, spoiled young lady.  She is engaged to be married, and we find that she has already walked away from the altar two times.  While she cares for her fiance, she isn't completely sure she loves him.  Though spoiled and rich, she has a good heart.  She cares for people around her, as clearly seen when her bodyguard, Arch, is stabbed in the beginning of the story.  We don't know who is behind the stabbing, only that someone wants to harm Victoria, more than likely due to her upcoming wedding and the status that will bring to her rich family.

When Arch is wounded, Tom Cushman becomes her bodyguard.  After an attempted kidnapping, Tom hides Victoria away at Race Point Lighthouse, where his father is a keeper.  Victoria's wedding to her intended, Nathaniel, is canceled, and Victoria and Tom actually become husband and wife on paper, so that they can easily convince people that they are a normal married couple, instead of a rich young lady and her bodyguard.  This way, Tom reasons, he can keep Victoria safer.

Victoria undergoes drastic change as she gives up all the luxuries she is accustomed to and learns to cook, sew, and wash clothes.  Tom's mother, Zelma, who has suffered considerable loss, takes Victoria under her wing, believing her to be her daughter-in-law.  She teaches her how to be a homemaker, as well as, gives her plenty of marital advice.

Here is one of my favorite quotes from Zelma:

"I've come to believe one of the reasons God designed marriage was to help us grow in holiness and character.  We get to practice on a daily basis being humble, kind, sacrificial, self-controlled, and so much more."

As Victoria and Tom get better acquainted, they realize they have a lot to appreciate about one another.  Tom doesn't spoil Victoria, but challenges her and pushes her to be better.  But, both of them are running from something- Tom from his painful past, and Victoria from her fears of the future.  As the story unfolds, they both learn to let go and give their hurts and fears to God.  Jody does a good job creating realistic characters, who come to realize they can only find true healing in the Lord.

However, their situation is only a temporary diversion.  Real life still awaits Victoria, and her former fiance is believing he will still lead her to the altar.  When the threat on Victoria's life becomes even more grave, Tom must find a way to save her, and while attempting to do so, realizes how much he has grown to love her.

While I enjoyed the story, I did want to add that in my opinion, there was a bit too much focus on the physical.  The characters are legally married and they struggle with temptations, and while that is a real issue for many people, I think the less attention drawn to detail, the better.  This is just my opinion, as I would probably caution teenagers reading it for that reason.

As I said, all opinions are my own, and I am very thankful to have this opportunity from Jody Hedlund!  She has a wide variety of novels, and I personally enjoy her historical fiction.

How Things Change

Whenever I see a picture of myself before I had children, I quietly think, "Wow.  I used to be pretty."

Back in my teaching days, the school yearbook featured teacher's superlatives.  The categories varied each year, but one year I was voted as the teacher with the "Coolest Shoes" and the following year I was voted "Best Dressed".

I'm sure those things will come in handy standing before Jesus one day.

When I was a teacher, I took care and dressed sharply for my job.  I wore skirts pretty much every single day.  My female students complimented me all the time, and come to think of it, my female colleagues did, too.

These days, I'm rarely out of the house, so throwing on a t-shirt and clean jeans is all that is necessary.  When I do go out, my main concerns are getting diapers changed, making sure the boys are dressed, preparing snacks for the road, nursing Silas, getting shoes on, grabbing the diaper bag, finalizing any chores, and what else?  I'm supposed to get myself ready too?

Needless to say, I doubt my former students and colleagues would even recognize me.

I had purchased new shoes for Caleb's birthday.  I tried measuring his foot on a chart downloaded from the internet, but unfortunately, I didn't do a good job, and the shoes were too big.  I was SO disappointed, because I  had been counting down the days until he could wear his new shoes.  I made another purchase for a different pair (thinking I could save the others because he'll eventually grow into them), and they are coming this week.

You would think these shoes are for me, I am looking forward to this THAT much.

Something happens when you become a mom.  While I haven't lost all interest in clothes and fashion, it is has dropped considerably.  Picking out outfits for my boys is much more enjoyable to me now.  Caleb doesn't get new shoes often, because we buy the good kind (Stride Rite), and they aren't cheap.  But when he does get them, you'd think it was my birthday.

And if I go out and I look horrible, I think to myself, "At least they look cute."

That's all that matters now, isn't it?  :)

Caleb: 3 Years

Dear Caleb,

How is our boy three years old today?  Daddy and I can scarcely believe it!

We love you through and through.  Sure, we are facing our trials right now.  Yes, you have some developmental delays.  But when push comes to shove, we love you.  We would never trade you, give you up, or let you go.  You are ours.  You belong to us.

Three years ago today,  we were holding you in our arms for the very first time.  When my midwife passed you to me, you looked into my eyes and I into yours.  I will never forget that moment for as long as I live- the moment I saw my firstborn son for the very first time.

These days, your giraffe and lion are your favorite toys.  Woe to us if we leave the house without "Giraffe"!  You like playing with your fire truck, too.  It takes you a while to warm up to new toys, and all your new birthday toys will likely take their time worming their way into your heart.

You love your daddy, and you immediately monopolize him when he comes home from work.  Now that the weather is finally getting warmer, you love to run around the yard with Daddy, and climbing up "the mountain".  I look at you and wonder where in the world my baby went, because all I see now is a big boy.

You are beginning to show more signs of independence, which is a good thing!  You are getting better at feeding yourself with a fork, and can do it without us, finally.  A spoon is another thing, and you usually continue to expect us to feed you with a spoon.  You have your delays, yes, but you will catch up!

Silas loves you, and you love him, but you are a bit rough with him, my little man!  I often have to take the roll of bodyguard to protect Silas.  It is my hope and prayer that you'll be best friends one day, and not merely brothers.

You have a wonderful memory!  I am amazed at how much you remember.  You are learning new words all the time, and often, we just have to say a word once, and you remember it.  I have no doubt that hidden beneath these developmental delays is a very smart, very intelligent boy.

This summer, you'll be starting preschool, two mornings a week, so that you can get help in the areas where you need it.  I have very mixed feelings about this.  Daddy and I are committed to homeschooling you, but we know you need more help at this time.  Daddy will be taking you to preschool and staying there, because no way would we leave you.  As for me, even though Daddy will be there, it is hard letting you go, even in this small way.  I am ALWAYS with you.  I'll be a bit emotional the first morning that you head off.

We love you, our sweet boy!  You delight us, and we can't imagine our home without you in it.

Happy Birthday, our little man!  Can you do me a favor please?  Please slow down and stop growing so fast.

Love,
Your mama

"I am with you always"

The boys are asleep.  For now.  Silas's naps have barely been happening, and Caleb is getting older, so some days he naps and some he doesn't.  The written word is beckoning me, so here I am.

We all need to be heard.  Understood.  Validated.  I suppose that's why I'm here.

This school year (since Brian is a teacher, I think of years going from Sept-June), has been one long dark season of the soul.  I have greatly struggled with loneliness and depression.

Before I continue, this post is not about seeking advice.  That is one of the worst things.  I'm not looking for answers.  I am simply needing to pour out my heart.  To be heard.  Understood. Validated.

This has been one of the hardest years of my life.  Two seizures have kept me housebound with my boys, so instead of having the freedom to go for a car ride when things get crazy in the house (and they do!) we cannot do so.  I have had UTIs consistently every month and half or so since Silas was born, and have been on more antibiotics than I care to admit.  I have been sleep-deprived due to a baby that just won't sleep through the night.

More than any of this, I have been at a loss as to how to deal with Caleb at times.  His behavior, due to the autism disorder, is enough to make me lose my sanity on the really bad days.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love him to the ends of the earth.  But, there are times I just don't know how help him. This is probably the single hardest thing in my life right now.

Even the doctor who saw me for my last UTI sized up my situation quickly.  He discovered in a few short minutes that I have no family around, have a history of seizures and can't drive at present, and am not getting the rest I need.  He gave me the most concerned look and I could tell he thought I needed help-- desperately-- and he had me crying right there in the room.  And we didn't even discuss Caleb at all.

For the record, it is hard getting together with the few people I know.  Two people from church had to cancel on me after I reached out.  My best friend from college, Theresa, home schools, but she has been trying to get together with me when possible.  (We are going for a walk later today!)

There is a deep ache inside of me, an inner loneliness that I have never before felt.  Why am I writing this?  Quite frankly, I'm not afraid to be open.  I'm not one for shoveling my feelings under the carpet. I have no patience for fake Christians, and I simply won't be one of them.  (And if that doesn't make me popular, I won't lose sleep over it.)

This past Sunday, Mother's Day, was especially hard for me.  I just didn't feel like the pretty, smiling mothers you see in store ads, looking glorious while holding a ridiculously happy child.  In fact, if there were nominees for Worst Mother of the Year, I would have been the first to submit my name for that title.  I just felt so low, and quite frankly, at the end of my rope.

Since I didn't like what I saw when I looked at my soul's reflection in the mirror, I have been working hard to choose joy.  Or, if I can't quite do that, at least to not wallow in whatever miry depths I am feeling.  My children need me.  They need my smiles and my giggles.

I haven't felt God's presence.  In fact, I have wondered, since all of my prayers go seemingly unanswered, if God has moved away and left no forwarding address.  (I am kidding here.)  It seems like everything I ask for gets worse instead of better.  Almost to the point that if someone has a prayer request, I feel like saying, "Better not ask me to pray!"

I have had to remind myself that faith isn't about feelings.  Faith is faith, in all circumstances.  When we get unexpected medical bills that should have been taken care of (but will not be), and the vacuum goes bust, God still hasn't left His throne.  When Silas still wakes up screaming, night after night, God is still the Almighty God.  Quite frankly, He has His reasons, and He doesn't need to tell me what they are.

Jesus said, "I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20).  That's a promise, made by One who is absolutely incapable of breaking His Word.  I am not alone.  Even if the boys seem to gang up on me at once, both with dirty diapers and serious whining, while I'm running around, trying to calm everyone, clean them up, and get food on the table.  He is with me.

I am not alone.

"And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee:  fear not, neither be dismayed."~Deuteronomy 31:8

(As a side note, I was listening to a Bible radio program yesterday, Family Life, and on it they had an empty-nest mother giving advice to younger mothers.  Her advice?  Our only goal should be to keep our children alive until bedtime.  That is all we need to do.  If we do anything beyond that, FANTASTIC!  An excellent reminder that the house doesn't need to be perfect, nor do we need to bake away the day and serve one glorious meal after another.  We simply need to care for our kids. That was good to hear!)

Silas: Nine Months

Dear Silas,

Nine months feels like a significant month, at least to your mama.  For nine months, my womb held you, my body nourished you, and you grew inside of me.  Your very life depended upon whether or not I drew breath.  Now that you are nine months old, you have been alive "outside" of me, so to speak, for as long as you were within.

You are most certainly a mama's boy, at least right now.  Oh, I know it will change.  I'm not blind, my dearest.  Daddy is clearly the more fun parent, and in no time at all, you will be running to him when he comes home from work.  But right now, for this moment, you are your mama's boy.  You look for me when I'm not in the room, and for the most part, you can't do without me.  In the life that we have here, isolated as we are, who can blame you?  I am the one whom you are used to the most.

What changes there are in you!  You are not crawling, but you are getting closer!  Several times now I have seen you get on your knees for a second before falling down again.  But no matter.  You are getting around pretty well when you are left to yourself on the floor.

You still can't sit up alone.  You topple over without light support.  I usually sit with you with my legs around you just a bit- enough to give you something to help keep you up, yet with enough wiggle room for you to do what you want to do.

My little man, you and sleep are just not friends.  (Or should I say sleep and I are not friends?)  We've been letting you cry-it-out for over a week now, and your wake-up times still vary.  One night you can make it until just about 4, the next you are up at 11:48.  Cry-it-out SHOULD work.  It is the ultimate form of sleep-training.  I guess the authors of these sleep materials never met you.

Even naps have taken a sour note.  Suddenly last week, you started going down crying, waking up crying, and barely getting in a half hour each nap.  Your daddy has encouraged me to let go and not stress about it.  Just keep giving you the right opportunities, but I cannot MAKE YOU sleep.  It simply is what it is.

You have gotten better at eating solids, but you will not try to self-feed.  In fact, you don't put much of anything in your mouth with your own hand.  I hope this doesn't mean you'll have a delay in this area, as your brother did (and does).  I still need to branch out and give you more things to eat... this area is hard for me, I'll admit.  I choked a lot when I was a little girl.  While I don't recall it, I'm sure it is somewhere in my subconscious.  Everyone in my family remembers it, so it must have been a big deal.  I've already seen you begin to choke here and there, and so I tend to hold back instead of push you forward in this area.

Your smiles are addictive and contagious, and I often thank the Lord at night before I put you to sleep and tell Him how grateful I am for the light and joy you bring to our house.  When you giggle hysterically, my goodness, it is such a delight to my ears.

You are wearing 18-month clothes!  Some 12-month things you can get in, but you are better off in the bigger size.  You've got four teeth coming in, and such a ridiculously cute smile!

What a big boy you are becoming!  Holding you is a wrestling match of sorts.  I think you could win any day!

My sweet boy, I love you.  Don't grow too fast.  One day, you'll be big and strong and helping me bring in the groceries.  But for now, please stay my baby.

I love you- always.

Love,
Your mama

And because big brother Caleb loves to watch me take pictures, he gets to sneak in here, too.

Our Little Man

Brothers

This photo of Silas was from March, but I had been meaning to do a side-by-side showing of how different Caleb and Silas look from one another.

We never could get Silas to smile while in just the right pose.  He kept moving around, falling to the side, etc.

At this point, I'm not even sure they look like brothers!  However, that is fairly normal.  Usually the first child takes after one parent, and the next the other, and then the third looks like the first child.  Not in all families, but in many that I know.

Just a Little Update

This month, Caleb will be turning three, and Silas will be nine months.  It is hard to believe!

We've had our trials, recently, in fact, we are currently in them.

I decided to do another round of cry-it-out with Silas.  I tried in March, unsuccessfully, for several weeks.  Either he wasn't ready or I don't know what, but it didn't work.  I needed a break from all the crying, so I went back to getting up with him.

Needless to say, I was exhausted.

After being up with him way too much last week, I decided it was time to try again.  This means I have to sleep out in the living room, because no way do I want to listen to him cry while right next to him in the same room.  Not to mention, I don't want him to hear me or sense my presence, thus making the crying more intense.  "Mama, you are right there.  Why are you not picking me up?"

I began this round either Friday night or Saturday night.  (I forget- I'd have to look back in my notebook.)  It is going okay.  He still wakes up to cry in the middle of the night, but from what I can tell, he is waking up later.  Before, he was waking up at 11 or even earlier, but he is making it past that time.  It varies night to night.  Sometimes he sleeps until 2 and cries it out then.  Last night he made it until about 3:45.  I don't go to him until at least 5.  When Caleb was a baby, he always woke up for the day around 5 or 5:15, so I think it is reasonable to go and nurse him and that time.  This morning he woke at about 5:20 or so.  I nursed him on my bed, and while he was wide awake at first, he eventually settled and went back to sleep.  The only difficult thing is that he is on my bed, so I have to constantly check in on him while I go about getting things ready in the kitchen.  Good thing my room is only a hop, skip, and a jump away!

We still don't know when we will put the boys together.  How I wish Silas had his own room!  But alas, that is not the case.  We have much ado trying to get Caleb to bed.  His needs are great and often, loony, to the rest of us.  I hate putting him to bed without Brian, because it is that much work. Very stressful.  He gets mad so easily.  If you don't do one thing right, according to him, forget about it.  He often goes down screaming, or wakes up in the middle of the night screaming.  Not exactly an environment we want to bring our baby into.  He is also very rough with Silas during the day, and I'm just not sure we can put Silas in the same room with him overnight, unchaperoned.

Since we have no other room in the upstairs of our bi-level to put him in, we have to give up our bedroom.  I barely remember what it is like to sit on my bed and unwind, read a book, stretch out and relax, whatever, before bed.  I have to sneak in the room like a thief, and try so hard not to wake him up.

Our difficulties with Caleb seem monumental, at least, from our current perspective.  Perhaps one day we will look back and say, "That wasn't really all that bad."  But from where we stand now, we are discouraged.  We had such a battle the other night, that we called our pastor to ask him to pray.  It is a combination of his autistic traits/lack of coping skills, combined with his in-your-face defiance.  I never thought my own offspring could be so defiant, because I have hardly a defiant bone in my body.  Now, I'm not saying I'm always perfect, but for as long as I can remember, I have obeyed the rules, even if I don't agree.  Caleb is explosively defiant, and it seems no matter how hard we try, no matter how consistent we are with training, he keeps right on at it.

I don't have many people to reach out to here in my neck of the woods, but the few people that are here, I am trying to reach out to.  It is time to ask for help.  I am weary.  I almost lost my sanity the other night after an intense battle with Caleb.  I had to snap out of it and remind myself that though I cannot control Caleb, I can control myself.

Still, your prayers are appreciated.  We need them, so please don't stop.  Thank you!