Five Years Ago Today

On a Thursday just like today, five years ago, Brian drove from PA to NJ, stood outside my bedroom window, and surprised me with a song on his saxophone (which was recently stolen).  A short drive later, a walk to a special bench, a brief question in the cool breeze and an even briefer response-- and we were engaged.

Two leap years and now it is back to it being Thursday on the 21st, so it feels really special.  No celebrations for us, unfortunately.  Brian works tonight as he did then, except he called out that night :)  Besides, do people really celebrate the anniversary of their engagement?

It is nice enough just recognizing it.  So much has changed.  Two months after that engagement, I finished up my teaching job that I had for five years, and I have never worked a day since.  (Yeah, right.  I work harder as a stay-at-home mom than all the jobs I had before combined.)

I moved first into Brian's bachelor pad (talk about roughing it!), then to the woods where we live now.  I've had to get used to bears lurking in the yard, yes, even in the daylight, about eight deer coming into the yard at once, mice scurrying in my living quarters, and living away from normal stores and civilization as I once knew it.

We've bought a house, had our first baby, purchased a cat (I still RUE the day!), got a new (used) car, and had our second baby.

Five years.  So much change.  I've changed, too, in many, many ways.

Only God knows what the future holds.  We need a bigger car.  We talk someday of a bigger house. Whether God will knit together another life in my womb is something only He knows.  We aren't looking for it.  We aren't trying for it.  We are only being open vessels if He should want that for us, in His time.  Honestly, I have zero desire to be pregnant again, and even less desire to give birth again.  And don't even talk to me about baby sleep.  I'm still waiting for the first night I can sleep through 'til morning.

That day, five years ago today, was the start of it all.  I'm excited to see what God will still do.

Thanks for reading and joining us on our journey!

Date With My Husband

As anyone who has or has had small children knows, spending time with your spouse, alone, is nigh unto impossible.

You know what I miss?  Holding Brian's hand.  Whenever we used to go out, we used to hold hands.  Even if it was just walking from the car to the grocery store.

But that all changes when you have children.  Your arms are full.  There are no spare hands left.

In fact, last summer, I remember my mom was here watching Caleb, and I had one of those last prenatal check-ups with my midwife.  Brian came, too, and we left Caleb behind.  We had a quick stop at the store, and we held hands.  I remember thinking how good it felt to do that.

Obviously, we never go out on dates.  In fact, I go out at night... approximately never.  I can't tell you the last time I've been out at night.  While Caleb is more flexible, and we could easily take him somewhere (not ridiculously late), Silas is not.  Babies must be in bed early, and that is that.  (I don't make the rules.  I just follow them.)

Since we don't live near either set of grandparents, nor doting aunts, we are stuck.  There are few people with whom we'd really leave our children.  (Even if we did live near family, it would probably only be once in a blue moon we would leave them anyway.  Our children are, after all, our responsibility.)

When the new Star Wars movie came out, my dad and brother didn't waste any time before going to see it.  Since Brian and I can't go and do something like that, we settled for a review from my dad. When it came out on DVD, we pondered getting it.  "Do we really want to spend the money?" I asked, always the cheapskate.  "But it won't go down in price for a long time," I added.  My dad informed us of the sale price at Target, for $16.99, so we decided to go ahead and take the plunge. After all, we do so little for ourselves.

I am happy to report that it just came yesterday, and Brian and I have designated Friday night as our date night.  Silas is down around 6;30, and Caleb at 7:30 each night.  Yet, even though we are together in the living room, very often I'm doing a light chore (right now I am cleaning up my recipe books/papers), and Brian is often doing some school work.  This Friday, however, all work will be shoved aside. (And I mean SHOVED, as in "MOVE OVER work".)

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it.  I might even make a special treat.  Vanilla pudding?  Oh, and not the box.  The real deal.  Or perhaps ice cream will do.

I can't wait to have a date with my husband!

Silas: Eight Months

Dear Silas,

My goodness!  Eight months!  You are steadily chugging your way along to one year, and I'm trying to enjoy my snugly baby, before he is a toddler on the go!

Your smiles and giggles are delightful.  Everything about you is so beautiful.  I love your soft skin, your chubby cheeks, your bright, blue eyes, and they way you pay attention to everything around you.  You love to roll around on the floor, and I have to keep a close eye on you and rescue you if you head to close to the furniture.  You can't quite sit up on your own.  For a few seconds, yes, but when you go reaching for a toy on the floor, you'll topple over.

I've been spoon-feeding you solids, and I'm going to begin placing things like cereal puffs and peas on your tray, so you can work on your pincer grasp.  When I have given you puffs, you like to play with them and bat them around, but you do not try to put anything in your mouth just yet.

It's funny, but almost always, you nap on your tummy, but at night, you only sleep on your back. Your naps have improved dramatically in the past few days.  You went from thirty-minute naps to over an hour, and sometimes an hour and a half.  This is monumental!  Your brother's naps took forever to be what they should be, and I'm happy to say that if you keep this up, you are on your way.  In fact, you and I are skipping church today, since you've only just started to improve, I don't want the car ride to mess you up.  (You'd be out in the car on the way back from church, and your hour and a half nap would be only ten minutes.)

That's the good news.  The bad news is that nighttime sleep is still a mess.  Last night, you woke up a little before 11:30, so clearly, we are going backwards with your wake-ups and not forward.  Three times over the next hour, I got up with you, sang to you gently, and put you back down.  It was only the third time that it stuck, and you fell asleep.  Then you slept for roughly two hours.  When you awoke, even though I didn't want to at that time (not long after 2), I was so tired from losing an hour of sleep, that I brought you to bed with me for the rest of the night.  I don't really like to nurse you until 3 or 4, but I was too tired to argue.

I'm trying my hardest to not be mad about your wake-ups, while continuing to train you with the first wake-up to go back to sleep on your own, and I hope and pray that in time, you will learn.  If not, I'm going to have to hire a body double to take care of you overnight so I can get some sleep!  I am exhausted, my little man!

I'm so glad that summer is on its way, and when Daddy is off, we look forward to getting out, enjoying some fresh air, and doing some fun things as a family.  Mommy is diligently being obedient to my six-month seizure-free driving hiatus, so you, Caleb, and I can look forward to a different kind of life this summer.

Caleb loves you, but lately treats you like his pet!  He is constantly touching you, to the point of being too much.  I often have to pull him off of you or stop him from batting you in the head with a toy or doing something equally inappropriate.  It isn't in anger, but he just doesn't know how to handle you.  Daddy says that he better watch out, because one day you'll be big enough to give it right back!  Looking at you, that day isn't long coming!

My darling Silas, we love you.  You fill our home with so much just by being you.  I'm not the perfect mother.  I could give a long list of my shortcomings.  But I do hope that one day you'll be able to say, without a shadow of a doubt, that your mama loved you through and through.

Love,
Your mama

Updated to add:  Just after writing this post, literally, Silas woke up from his first nap after only a half hour.  Good grief!

Changing My Attitude

I'm sure you are all sick and tired of me complaining about Silas not sleeping through the night.  And before you click the X at the top of the screen, let me say that this will be a different kind of post.

You see, Caleb didn't sleep through the night until he was about 8 1/2 months or so, but it was my fault.  I responded to his every wake-up, nursed him, and he promptly went back to sleep.  But I was exhausted, and finally did cry-it-out.  It worked quickly, and within a few days, he was on his way to sleeping all through the night.

Fast-forward to Silas.  I have read tons on baby sleep, and I know so much, I could counsel others easily if I had to.  But my own baby?  Forget about it.

I tried not to make the same mistakes I made with Caleb.  For example, Caleb couldn't even get to sleep initially on his own, and so I nursed him to sleep.  I made sure not to do the same thing with Silas, and he has long since been going to sleep on his own.  One of the major reasons for night waking is due to the fact that if Baby wakes up, he expects to go back to sleep the same way he got there.  So if he falls asleep nursing every night, he expects that each time he wakes up.

This clearly is not the reason for Silas's wake-ups, because I put him down wide awake.  So what is the problem?

I still don't know.  What I do know is that I put tons of pressure on myself to get this right, since I had gotten it wrong with Caleb for so long.

The other night, I had a bit of a breakthrough in my own thought process.  Silas once again, woke at midnight or so, and Brian and I were camping it out in the living room.  When he woke up, so early once again, I about HAD IT.

In desperation, and wide-awake myself at this point, I got on my phone and began googling "Why Won't My Baby Sleep Through The Night?"

An article came up, by Dr. William Sears, who is a very well-known pediatrician.  In fact, I have several of his books passed down to me from my sister.  While I do not agree with all his views on baby sleep (Dr. Marc Weissbluth is by far the expert on baby sleep), his words comforted me when I needed them.

This is what I read:

"Decades ago, every parent just took it for granted that babies wake up at night. It was expected, and therefore, accepted. Sometime in the 70’s someone got it in their head that babies SHOULD sleep through the night. Since then, new parents are bombarded from all sides with the notion that their baby is supposed to sleep through the night. They hear it from friends, relatives, churches, and books. “Oh! Your baby isn’t sleeping through the night?” “10 fool-proof ways to get your baby to sleep through the night.” “My baby sleeps 12 hours straight without waking.” Today, parents are led to believe that if their baby doesn’t sleep through the night, something must be done about it.

The bottom line is that babies are not supposed to sleep through the night. Most will require some degree of parenting at night. This is simply the way it is, and as a parent, you signed up for this." http://www.askdrsears.com/news/sears-family-blog/8-m-o-recently-started-nightwaking

It sort of stopped me in my tracks, and made me chuckle as well.  It is true.  People's reactions to your baby not sleeping through the night are borderline ridiculous.  My own parents, yes I love them and respect them, have both had a similar reaction to Silas waking up constantly.  "I don't know.  You kids all slept through the night at two-months old."

Well, gee.  Thanks a lot. I guess I'm doing something wrong.  (I would point out, too, that we were all bottle-fed.  A bottle is not the same as a warm, comforting, nursing mama, so that is part of it, too.)

I do think the older generation forgets how hard it is to be parents to little ones.  I am apt to think that my brother, sister, and I were the perfect children.  (Hey, it might be true.)

After reading the above, I decided to relax a bit.  It's OKAY!  Sure, I'm tired.  Yes, I still want him to sleep through the night.  But I have done cry-it-out to no avail.  It was time for a break, after reading this.  

Silas's naps have just started taking a turn and getting longer.  This is a really good thing, because more restorative naps may in turn help the night-waking issue.  We will have to wait it out and see.

Last night, Silas woke at about 1 or so.  I let him cry a bit, to see if he would go back out.  When he didn't, I picked him up, held in him in the dark, and sang to him the bedtime song I made up myself. After a few rounds of singing (I have a terrible voice to begin with, even worse in the middle of the night), I put him back down.  He protested and cried for a minute, then settled.  He cried out one or two more times, but he did go back to sleep.  He woke again two or so hours later,and I promptly nursed him at that time.

I don't know when the boys will be able to sleep together.  But I will NOT STRESS any more.  I will take it as it comes, and enjoy my baby while he is still my baby.  Blink, and he will be married with children.

Do I want things to improve?  Yes.  Do I want my bedroom back?  Yes.  Do I want Brian and I to be able to sleep in our bed all night, every night?  Of course.  But, BUT... this will not last forever.

One step at a time, and a deep breath for today.  We'll get through this.

Edited to add:  This post was not meant to be offensive to the older generation.  I meant it to be sort of humorous.  Brian read it and thought it might be misinterpreted.  My sister read it and completely understood, no doubt because we discuss these sort of things.  It truly was meant to be a bit funny.  Sometimes it seems like the memories of child-rearing are completely rosy, instead of realistic.  Perhaps the years wash away the nitty-gritty of the daily struggles, and decades later, only the shiny surface remains.  Perhaps that is a good thing!

Also, I wanted to mention that as I was going through this "change in attitude", words of a former Christian mentor of mine, a godly woman who works in prison ministry, came to mind.  "Are you striving?" she used to ask me.  I felt those words come back to me more than once this past week, and I had to admit that yes, I was.  I was striving to change Silas's sleep, and some things, I just can't change.  It was time to let go.  This doesn't mean giving up all together and never, ever trying to get him to sleep through the night.  It just means letting go for a time.  Perhaps God has a lesson for me in this.

Silas's Dedication

This past Sunday, Brian and I dedicated Silas to our Lord, but more importantly, we dedicated ourselves to the "training up" of him in the Lord.

Our pastor gave a wonderful message on just what a parent's job entails, according to Scripture. He gave us his notes so we can look back on it, too.  It was very challenging, indeed!  I know I will fail completely without the Lord's help.

In case you were wondering, yes, I color-coordinated our outfits.  What else is a mama supposed to do, in an all-male household?  Even Pocono is a boy.

We are so blessed to have our two sons, and we pray that they both grow to be godly, righteous men.

The Burdens We Bear

I think I have a few moments here.  Laundry is hanging on the dry rack; ironing is done.  Silas is down for a nap, and this second nap is the only one that has started to lengthen, instead of being a mere half hour.  Caleb is down, too, after a scolding for getting up out of his bed and playing with the blinds.

Cup of tea beside me, along with two chocolate chip cookies that I made yesterday, I am pausing for a moment or two, before the next task.  (Cleaning the inside and outside of the fridge, if you wanted to know.)

I wanted to give an update on Caleb and let you all know what is going on.  Brian and I thank you so much for your prayers for him; please don't stop!

We took Caleb to a neurologist, and he was not diagnosed with autism, but he has clear autistic traits and maladaptive tendencies.  (Meaning, he does not cope at all well with any type of change in his routine.)  We were relieved that he was not diagnosed with autism, and that is due to the fact that he is not off in his own world.  He is easily engaged, makes excellent eye contact, and is very responsive.

However, even having that behind us, it doesn't exactly make life easier here.  Caleb has his good days and his bad.  We are in the middle of a bad few right now.  We just transferred Caleb from his crib to his toddler bed (we held off for a time because we weren't sure how he'd react to the change), and it has mostly gone well, but he keeps waking up in the middle of the night, much like he did when he first "snapped" in February.  We go to him sometimes, but other times, we have to let him cry-it-out, much like we do Silas.  He can't think that he can control us and that we will come running every time, and mainly his issues are in his head, meaning, we can't fix it anyway.  Last night, Brian and I had both been to him separately, at least three times between us, and he woke up once again, screaming in the middle of the night.  We had to let him be, and he fell asleep on his own.

I joke around and refer to Caleb as my "boss", not to him, but when I talk about him to others, because many times it feels like it.  I feel like I have to have everything just right, or else he has a fit or a colossal tantrum.  It is exhausting.  I can do everything right, but still miss something in his mind.  It is hard on me, to be with him all day without a break, and have to have such strict demands placed on me, all day long.  I have had some tough bosses in my day (Sheila, I'm looking at you!), but he is far more demanding and far less patient.

We took him to a doctor I was already seeing in NJ for my seizures.  I won't go into the details of the doctor here in this forum, but he is a homeopathic doctor, and we wanted to see if he could help.  He found a mutating virus in Caleb's body, very likely caused by a vaccine I had gotten a mere few weeks before I was pregnant with him.  This vaccine haunted me all throughout my pregnancy, and I basically lived in fear that Caleb would have autism, because I knew that having a vaccine when pregnant could cause autism in the child.  Since I wasn't yet pregnant, I was not in that mindset at that time, and stupidly agreed to have the vaccine.  If I could rewind the clock, I would.  Since I cannot, I can only move forward and continue to help Caleb however I can.  This doctor is putting him on some homeopathic medications, and time will show if they are effective.

We are continuing to look into speech therapy options for Caleb, since his current program ends next month, when he turns three.  We will continue to see the neurologist as he advises us, and we are still awaiting for insurance to give permission for several tests that Caleb needs.

Switching gears now to Silas, he still is not sleeping through the night.  Folks, I don't want to hear that cry-it-out is a magic cure-all, because it is NOT.  We have been doing it day after day, to no avail. He continues to wake before 4 (the time I wanted to wait until to nurse him) once or even twice, and his times can vary, and it is just ridiculous.  Brian has pretty much given up sleeping in our bedroom, and I have been back and forth, some nights in our room, and other nights on the cramped love seat.

How I miss being able to read before bed, in my own bed, before settling down at night!  It is a distant memory...

When we can put the boys together is a date in the future that only the Lord knows.  Silas screams loud enough to wake the neighbors, and Caleb wakes screaming, too, as I said above.  So putting them together means we will have two children wide awake instead of one.  Also, Caleb is rough with Silas during the day. I have seen him hitting him, poking him in the eye, etc.  He lacks the maturity to know to deal with him gently at all times.  Caleb can easily get his arms in the crib slats, and I worry for Silas, when that day comes.

These are the burdens we bear.  It is not easy.  I am weary, more weary that I care to admit.  So many things just seem unfix-able, no matter how hard I try.  I do give my burdens to Jesus, but I guess I am not so good at leaving them there, when day after day, nothing changes.  I am a pathetic Christian, I know.

As always, thank you for listening and allowing me to share my burdens with you.  It does make them a wee bit lighter.  Thank you.