This post, perhaps, is more for myself than for anyone else. For me, writing is a sweet release, a reprieve for just a few moments from the constant needs of two children, and a quiet friend who listens.
Let me just say that I don't worry what people think about me. I used to be extremely sensitive when I was a little girl, but I toughened up over the years. I am FAR harder on myself than anyone else probably would be.
So here is my confession: I have postpartum depression.
It is a tough thing to admit, being that I am a Christian. I shouldn't be depressed, should I? I have the Lord, and the promise of eternal life. I have so many things to be grateful for: my husband, my two boys, my home, my family, etc., etc., etc.
However, while I don't understand everything about postpartum depression, I do know that it is largely hormonal. Beyond that, for me, it has been a tough shift from going from one child to two. It is very hard to stay on top of these two and their incessant needs. Sometimes I wonder when mommy ever gets to do something for herself. Other times, I look in the mirror and I wonder where in the world Courtney went.
I am insanely overwhelmed these days, and I am overly anxious. All housework feels insurmountable and I feel like I always need to be working, trying to chip away and get the things done that need to get done. (This is a symptom of postpartum depression.)
Silas wakes up at night more than necessary, and the loss of sleep can make me crazy. What happens is that babies develop a night waking habit, and they don't know how to return to sleep on their own. This is especially true for breastfed babies. This happened with Caleb, and it is happening again now. In time, I know I can fix it, but for various reasons, it is hard right now.
It is also very hard getting Silas to take a nap. It takes a lot of effort on my part, which also isn't easy when I have a toddler who needs attention.
I know I've said this before and I'll say it again, it is very lonely living away from family. There's no one to call or to have come over and just give me a break. People might tell me that I can call them, but the truth is, I would only want family over in my house. It is hard to let any old person see you at your worst. Having someone over for a cup of tea is really impossible for me right now.
Lastly, as I am writing this, both boys are crying in their cribs. I spent quite a bit of time trying to get Silas down, only to have him in hysterics. Caleb woke up after an hour of sleep and began to wail, which is unusual, but starting to happen more lately.
When can mommy get the chance to cry, I wonder? I would sorely love to do so.
If you read this, I could use your prayers. Know that I am grateful for my blessings, but it is a difficult road right now.
P.S. I wrote this post because I feel that people are way too fake. With me, you will ALWAYS get the truth. I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I am blessed by others who are honest and real. I LOVE my boys, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I don't regret becoming a mother, and I know this is a temporary thing. Right now, though, it is a "Goliath" in my life. Perhaps the Lord will send a David to knock him down for me.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Silas: Three Months
Dear Silas,
How are you already three months old, my dear boy? The time is moving so quickly. It was almost a year ago we found out you were on your way. On Thanksgiving, to be exact, I took a pregnancy test in the early morning, confirming what I already believed to be true. We happily called the rest of the family and shared the news. Even though we were snowed in, I felt such thankfulness that day, knowing that we would soon be a family of four.
Motherhood is no joke. It is not for the faint of heart. It is the hardest job I have ever had, and I've had quite a few difficult jobs. But I would not trade it. Nor would I trade you or your brother for the world.
In the midst of the craziness, of being pulled in several directions at once, there are moments of such deep and lasting satisfaction. Last Wednesday, you laughed for the first time, and I am certain every angel in heaven stopped the all-important work he was doing to have a listen in, for it was more beautiful than the voices of heavenly angels singing. I hope I never forget that melodic sound!
You are my own personal teddy bear, and I love to snuggle you. You loved to be held, and I often get protests when I have to put you down. I don't like it either, but I only have two arms!
I was hoping to have an easy sleeper after Caleb, but it is not to be. You hate going down for naps and I have much ado trying to get you to sleep. At night, you continue to wake me up. My little love, we will be doing cry-it-out, but I am waiting a bit longer until I am more sure you are not waking up due to hunger. You are getting closer to that time, but I would rather err on the side of caution. I certainly don't want to deprive you of food if you need it!
You have outgrown your three-month clothes already, and I started you on six months! You are growing so fast. Don't grow too fast, my boy. Mama's arms don't want to let you go just yet.
Please know that know matter the day I've had, no matter how crazy it has been, no matter how stressed I might be, I love you so much. That will never change. Your smiles, your looks of wide-eyed wonder, your obvious interest in my voice and my smiles- those things make me smile, my darling boy. Stay as sweet as you are now- forever.
I love you.
Love,
Your mama
How are you already three months old, my dear boy? The time is moving so quickly. It was almost a year ago we found out you were on your way. On Thanksgiving, to be exact, I took a pregnancy test in the early morning, confirming what I already believed to be true. We happily called the rest of the family and shared the news. Even though we were snowed in, I felt such thankfulness that day, knowing that we would soon be a family of four.
Motherhood is no joke. It is not for the faint of heart. It is the hardest job I have ever had, and I've had quite a few difficult jobs. But I would not trade it. Nor would I trade you or your brother for the world.
In the midst of the craziness, of being pulled in several directions at once, there are moments of such deep and lasting satisfaction. Last Wednesday, you laughed for the first time, and I am certain every angel in heaven stopped the all-important work he was doing to have a listen in, for it was more beautiful than the voices of heavenly angels singing. I hope I never forget that melodic sound!
You are my own personal teddy bear, and I love to snuggle you. You loved to be held, and I often get protests when I have to put you down. I don't like it either, but I only have two arms!
I was hoping to have an easy sleeper after Caleb, but it is not to be. You hate going down for naps and I have much ado trying to get you to sleep. At night, you continue to wake me up. My little love, we will be doing cry-it-out, but I am waiting a bit longer until I am more sure you are not waking up due to hunger. You are getting closer to that time, but I would rather err on the side of caution. I certainly don't want to deprive you of food if you need it!
You have outgrown your three-month clothes already, and I started you on six months! You are growing so fast. Don't grow too fast, my boy. Mama's arms don't want to let you go just yet.
Please know that know matter the day I've had, no matter how crazy it has been, no matter how stressed I might be, I love you so much. That will never change. Your smiles, your looks of wide-eyed wonder, your obvious interest in my voice and my smiles- those things make me smile, my darling boy. Stay as sweet as you are now- forever.
I love you.
Love,
Your mama
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