Friday, November 18, 2016

The Boys: An Update

It was high time I got on here and gave an update on the boys and how they are doing these days. The problem is, it is not easy finding time to be on the computer. :)

First, let me get this topic out of the way.  Silas still is a lousy sleeper.  And you know what?  I have decided to accept it at last.  There is no use fighting it.  I have tried all without fail.  CIO (cry-it-out)- check, change bedtime- check, pray without ceasing- check.  I have come to the conclusion that it is going to be this way for a while.  Silas is so inconsistent.  He has a good few days or a week or so where he sleeps til 3:30/4, then, he is waking up all various times.  Naps are still horrible.  I am trying to transition him to one nap, and it is still usually a half hour only.  (Caleb takes a longer nap than Silas!)  Every morning, when Silas wakes up at 3:30 or 4, I go to him, and nurse/sleep with him for another hour or so, until he is up for good.  I have tried not going to him, to try to "kill" the association, so to speak.  Nope, doesn't work.  He will just scream his head off and there is no peace for me in that.  Brian can sleep through it, but I can't.  It is easier for me to stumble to his (really, our) room, and lay down with him.

So, this is the way it is.  And I have decided to accept it instead of fight it any more.  It has made me far less bitter this way.

It appears that Silas will have a speech delay like Caleb.  He has not yet made any clear sounds at 15 months old.  He did say "ma ma" when he was younger, but he stopped.

He still will not do any kind of self-feeding, at all, nor will he drink out of a cup.  I am his water bottle, if you will.  To say that I am dehydrated is an understatement.  He nurses for 1) comfort 2) food.  Although I think he does more of #1 than #2.  I try to fight him off, but you try fighting off a toddler hanging onto your knees in the kitchen so that you are held prisoner, unable to move.  I love nursing; it is one of the most beautiful things in this whole world.  However, I wouldn't mind if Silas cut back just a wee bit.  Mama can barely breathe sometimes.  And did I mention I am dehydrated?

He is also behind on eating solids.  He gags easily, and I have had to move very slowly with him, and he is way behind what Caleb was eating at this age.  I rely on pureed foods much more than I'd like, but Silas's occupational therapist is encouraging me in this.

But, but... Silas is smart.  He is acknowledging things more and more.  For example, each morning after story time with the boys, I sing the "Days of the Week" song, and point out the days on a chart on the fridge.  I start by asking "What day is today?"  Silas began walking to the fridge before I did.  Then, just yesterday he starting pointing with his finger to the chart.  There are more examples, like when I started reciting from memory one of our books during his diaper change and he immediately grabbed that book after we were done.

Caleb still struggles with his speech delay, however, he is saying more all the time.  Sometimes, I am surprised by the things he says.  He is way behind with his fine motor skills.  Thank the Lord he feeds himself much more easily than he used to, but he has no interest in using crayons and markers beyond two seconds.  He lacks any and all skill there, and quite frankly, interest.  (I brought out kiddie scissors, and he merely glanced at them and walked away.)  He shows little independence, for example, he won't even try to get himself dressed and he is happy with Mama doing it until the end of time.

He has an over-the-top fear of the POTTY!  Don't even get me started.  There is no training this boy, because his fear is that bad.  It is THAT BAD!  Silas's occupational therapist asked if Caleb can, ahem, "aim", and I said we are no where near that point!  His fear is so bad, that when I was trying to wash Caleb's hands before dinner and Silas was following us into the bathroom, Caleb was SCREAMING, panicking that Silas would open the toilet.  (Silas has never opened the toilet, so why that was a fear, I have no idea.)  He only trusts me in the bathroom with him.  He doesn't trust Daddy, because Daddy playfully opened the lid once in April during Caleb's bath, and now, only I can be with him at bath time.  Daddy can't even relieve me for two seconds, because Caleb will scream his head off, thus waking our difficult sleeper up, which, trust me, we don't want to do.  Do you see how hard this is??

Caleb is also increasingly defiant.  I'm not going to go into details, because honestly, it hurts too much, so I'll leave it at that.

But, but... Caleb, like Silas, is smart.  He has an excellent memory, and he can remember Daddy climbing his grandparents' tree months ago.  He has soaked up so many things:  the alphabet, his numbers, colors and shapes, days of the week, and we are doing spelling now.  He wants to learn.  He might resist at first, but after persistence, he will start to take it in.

Silas has a wonderful occupational therapist, and honestly, she has been an incredible blessing to me personally.  She's been doing this for a long time, and she has SEEN IT ALL.  She has declared, in very strong terms, that she doesn't believe the boys are autistic.  "Thirty years ago," she said, "they would not have been diagnosed with autism."  The scale, she said, has broadened over the years to include so many traits, that doctors fear lawsuits and whatnot if they are not diagnosed.  There are other reasons, too, but I cannot remember the entire conversation.  She said to me, "Look at them.  Your boys are here with you.  They are all here."  I let her words pour over me like a warm fountain, and it was lovely.

She believes they have Sensory Processing Disorder, and now that I know more, I agree.  As she said, "I have seen autism.  Believe me.  Your boys don't have it."  She's right.  My boys are both here.  They have delays, yes.  There are issues with processing in the brain that result in behavior issues (with Caleb, Silas is still a bit young), but they are here.  They are not off in a corner beating a pot over and over again without paying any attention to anyone or anything.

They are here.

What hope she gave me!  I talk her ear off every time she is here, and it never feels like it is enough.

Is there a cure?  Obviously, some of this they will outgrow in time.  Some of it will work itself out.  I will not ALWAYS have to get Caleb dressed and change his diapers.  I want to, in time, get both boys tested for food sensitivities, which, long story, but if someone is sensitive to a certain food and it creates yeast in the gut, the gut affects the brain.  Caleb has very bad cradle cap, which is a sign of a food sensitivity.  This is why I began going gluten/dairy free, but it could be more than that.  This is why I want to get him tested down the road, when we are able.

I pray that my boys won't always be held back by these sensory issues.  I pray that if God wants them healed, He'll open all the right doors for us and give us the information and wisdom that we need to deal with this.

But for now, I'll continue to soak up that reminder, that my boys are "all here".


My dear friend, Theresa, purchased this Willow Creek figurine for me, used, at a garage sale.  She saw it, scooped it up, and gave it to me while saying, "This is how God sees you."  I was misty-eyed at this figurine of a mother and her two sons. And give my boys time.  They'll probably have brown hair eventually, too.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

The Right (and the Pain) To Vote

On Tuesday, I, like just about everyone else, went to vote.  Except that I wasn't alone.  I had my boys with me.

I guess I am still used to NJ, where the polls are open longer than where we are here in PA, and I never had to wait on a long line in NJ.  I can't remember ever having to.  I was warned that there might be long lines here early in the morning, but I thought, "How bad can it be?  Let me just go get it over with."  And so I went.

I got there at about 7:30, or maybe a few minutes before.  There were cars up and down the street, and I thought, "Oh, boy.  Maybe it just looks worse than it is."  I figured I would check the parking lot.  If there were no spaces, obviously, I wasn't going to haul the boys down the street.  But lo, there were several spaces, quite a few, in fact.  I thought perhaps it was moving faster than it looked, so I got the boys out of their car seats and walked toward the building.

The line was out the door.  But again, I thought it would move quickly, after all, it takes two seconds to vote.  I hauled Silas in my arms, all 25 lbs. (but probably more), and I held onto Caleb's hood.  I thought, stupidly, that someone would take pity on a woman with a baby and another child and offer to move her forward.  I took my place at the end of the line, realizing it was very cold outside, and yikes, was this a bad idea?  But I was already here.  I'd have to put the boys back in their car seats, and come back out later, putting them back in the car, and taking them out again.  I didn't want to do that.

The line quickly grew behind me.  And it moved... slowly.  We voters struck up conversations with one another, not revealing anything about for whom our votes would be cast.  It was all friendly.  We took teeny tiny steps.  I could not put Silas down, because when I tried to stand him next to me, he either wanted to sit on the cold ground, or toddle away, so I was forced to hold him.  My arm was tired.  As we moved forward, one person offered for me to move in front of him.  Then, one of the poll workers noticed Silas's missing shoe, and announced the second half of the alphabet could move over.  Yay!  We were inside, out of the cold.  We inched forward.  As we did, another man said I could go in front of him.  Silas began having more meltdowns.  Yikes, it was bad.  Another guy said I could move forward.  (These were all teeny jumps- just the person right in front of me.)  Finally, I was up there.  I got my wallet out, not realizing the change zipper was partially open, and change went on the floor.  Silas was LOUD.   The man helped me pick up my change.  The poll workers told me I should have come to the front of the line.  (Was I supposed to just cut people?  People have to OFFER that.)  Somehow, I managed to sign my name.  Man, my arm was burning by this time.  I took my boys, and I placed my vote.  I scrambled to the car, so relieved to put Silas down.  All told, it took me about an hour.

By the time we got home, my upper body was so tired and sore.  Silas fell asleep in the two minute drive.  A simple task, and we were wiped out.  I was glad to settle back into our routine with a cup of tea.

As the results were coming through that night, Brian and I watched with anticipation.  Trump was losing PA.  I felt so dejected.  After all, I had WORKED for my vote.  I struggled for it.  (Two days later, my arm, back, and neck are all still sore.)  I wanted my vote to count.  I didn't just press a button.  I had labored through that line!

But then, he pulled forward.  We were so anxious to see if he'd win PA, which would make him the winner of the whole thing.  But it was getting late.  We were on pins and needles with anticipation, because it was our state!  Our votes!  My hard work!

I finally went to bed before Brian.  He was on the computer, while I got a few zzz's, then woke back up.  I asked him for updates, and he announced that Trump won PA, and he was over 270.  We clasped hands and were so thankful.  Our votes mattered.  My vote mattered!  Never had I worked for a vote more!

I'm not going to get into a political dissertation here on this blog.  Many Christians won't vote for Trump due to the myriad of reports coming out about him.  I didn't care for those things either. However, I didn't put Trump in his spot.  Brian and I voted for someone else in the GOP primaries. But this was the choice before us.  At the end of the day, we are conservatives, and we have to go with our party, and not waste our vote on someone who has no chance of winning.  Trump has his list of flaws.  But he has many good stances on issues that are important to us, as Christians.  Stances that Democrats are completely against.

We don't place our hope in Trump, but rather, the God who sits on the throne.  His majesty puts anything to shame that exists on this earth, and we await His coming kingdom.  But for now, it was a sweet, small victory for those who uphold conservative values.

I'm proud I was able to share that day with my boys.  Though they'll never remember it, I will.

And I am still waiting for all my muscle tenderness to fade.

P.S.  Brian voted after work, and he had to wait an hour and a half.  He was so proud of me, because he said all he had to do was stand there, the next day he bought me an iced coffee on his way home from work!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Tired

No eloquent title post today.  One word sums it up.

Tired.

Exhausted is another good one.

Silas continues to be up at night, and his times are becoming more random.  Last night it was 1:43.  I did not go in, because I did not want to start a new habit.  But I heard him cry nonetheless, and it meant a great loss of sleep for the both of us.

I can barely keep my eyes open today.

I have also been losing some weight.  This is not intentional.  I have lost all my pregnancy weight, and am now hanging in some numbers that are lower than I was before my pregnancy with Caleb.  I think it is due to two things:  Silas's incessant nursing, and this gluten-free, casein-free diet, which greatly limits the options.

I simply don't feel all that healthy.  With my never-ending tiredness, and my weight dropping a bit, I just don't feel like I can go conquer the world.  I can't even keep my kitchen clean.

I wish this was a better blog post.  I never did write about our trip to the pumpkin patch two weeks ago, or Brian's birthday.  It hasn't ALL been bleak.  But I will admit, I am ready to be done with this months-long trial God has seen fit to allow me to endure.

There is Silas crying now... off to my duty.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

A Daughter's Perspective

Yesterday, my mom turned in a letter to her workplace announcing her retirement.

I never expected so many emotions to be pulled to the surface within me at her retirement.  It has been coming for some time, and it is by no means a surprise, after all, she is the last of our four parents who is still working.  My dad retired after his heart surgery, not long after Brian and I were married.  Forgive me, I do not know when Brian's parents retired, but they were both retired when I met them.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was little.  That was always the intent, especially when we were young.  She was always there, with homemade sauce and meatballs simmering on the stove, or baking cookies or custard. I remember she came in to school to get me when I was sick. I never liked to miss school, and I would push to go even when I really should not have gone. There was one time, two days in a row, she had to come and get me.  I remember returning back home to her tender loving care, laying down on our rec room sofa in my white skirt with fuchsia polka dots.  I was home, and she would take care of me. That was all that mattered.

I remember when I broke my wrist in the fifth grade.  The nurse actually sent me back to class, and I sat there clutching my arm in terrible pain, trying to concentrate on my school work.  The lunch aide came in to get me, saying "We are calling your mother; you need to get to the doctor."  My mom rushed in, and we spent the rest of the day hopping around from pediatrician to x-ray to orthopedic doctor.  It was a loooooong day, and I remember coming home in a cast, with my older brother and sister (who had never been in casts nor broken anything), watching me sympathetically, and my mom trying to get a late dinner on the table.  Then, she helped me figure out how to take a bath without getting my cast wet.  I believe we wrapped my arm in a plastic bag.

She was there.

When I was in middle school, she returned to work, but it wasn't too much of a loss.  After all, she worked in my very school, part-time in the cafeteria.  I remember one day, I was smacked in the face with a ball pretty hard in gym class, and I went to see her in the kitchen.  She lovingly examined my face with her soft touch, and to this day, I still remember how comforting that action was.  There is nothing like a mother's touch, no matter how old you are, and I write that with tears in my eyes.

When my parents separated, my mom, sister, and I lived on our own.  I didn't last long with the two of them, since I went to college, but of course, I returned a few weekends and holidays.  My mom graciously did my laundry for me whenever I was home (of course, I could do my own, but it was her gift to me).  After college, I returned home for a bit, worked for a year or so, and prepared to head to Prague to teach English.  My sister married, and my mom and I moved to another place, and then I was gone in about a month.  After my year abroad, I returned home to my mom, taught in Christian school for five years, and then I got married.  Never once in those five years did I think of living with my mom a burden or a drag or whatever.  She was more than my mom.  She was my friend.

The night of my wedding, just before Brian and I rode off into the sunset (to the lovely world of rural PA), I cried when I hugged my mom goodbye.  She tried not to show it, she tried not to put a damper on my big day, but I know there was a gaping hole in her heart that day, a hole that is still there.

My mom has always been my confidant.  There is no greater listener in all the world.  She doesn't try to fix.  She listens; she sympathizes.  The worst thing about being her daughter is watching her get older.  She is so much more forgetful.  Her body isn't what it used to be.  Seeing her retire is bringing to the surface all of those fears- the fears of losing her, the fears of one day having to let her go.  It is a fact for us all.

My mom is God's gift to me, and to my sister.  We three are a strong bond, and I have already told my mom that when that dreaded day does come, if she could look down from heaven, she'll see my sister and I, knees and hands in the dirt, our husbands having to pry us away.  Because my mom is so much more than some old lady.  She is a part of me.  Her sweet spirit is a calming presence in my life.

I am so happy she is retiring.  She deserves it.  Her job has been physically demanding, and enough is enough.  She has been working since I was in middle school, and it is time for rest.  I so wish I could be there with her, that I could see her more, that my kids could see her more.

But it is enough that she'll be home once again, being the stay-at-home grandma now, doing just as I remember her best.

Mom, you know I love you more than words.  You do so much for me, and I appreciate every little thing.  I'm here, cheering you on.  And on October 26th, I'll be waving my pom-poms, all day long.


Friday, September 30, 2016

Newton & Polly: A Novel of Amazing Grace


I'm here again with another review!  This time it is Newton & Polly:  A Novel of Amazing Grace by Jody Hedlund.

This book is based on the life of John Newton, author of the famous hymn, "Amazing Grace".  It is so popular that even non-Christians know of it.  Yet, the words of that hymn are achingly beautiful, despite having become common.

This is Jody's take on John's life.  She did the research, and put together a story based on real-life events.  Long before the hymn was written, John could care less about God.  He pretty much lived life as he pleased.  As the story begins, he is fairly likable.  After he meets Polly and falls in love almost instantly, he isn't such a bad guy.  He is smart, funny, and very helpful to the Catlett family.   But he begins a series of bad decisions, poor judgments, and a lazy, who-cares-I'm-doing-whatever-I-want attitude.  Though Polly is a devout Christian, John runs farther and farther from God.

We know the outcome.  We know God will get a hold of John, and that John would lead a godly life and write an amazing hymn.  We don't know exactly how he'll get there.  Jody weaves a story about a man who rejected God time and again.  But when John finally realizes just how much God loves him, finally, finally, he comes face to face with what a wretched sinner he is.  And finally, he experiences amazing grace.

Through it all, Polly has a choice to make.  Will she wait for John?  She loves him, but he has repeatedly rejected God, and that simply is not what she desires in a husband.

This story really touched me.  John was indeed wretched, sinking deeper into the mire of his own sin. Yet, in him, I glimpsed parts of myself.  I am no better, no less in need of God's grace than he.

I am reminded of Psalm 139: 7-10.  "Whither shall I go from thy spirit?  or wither shall I flee from thy presence?  If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there:  if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me."

God sought after John with a love so fierce, it would not let him go.  His pursuit was relentless.  Had John ignored God, we would have missed out on a hymn so beautiful, and we would have lost the many hearts that have been softened because of it.

Jody's research was in-depth, and I enjoy her writing style.  She puts us there, directly with the characters, and for a brief moment, I am sitting in their shoes.  The attention she pays to detail, how a character reacts and shows emotion, for example, is thorough and almost artistic.

*I received this book in advance in exchange for a positive review.  All opinions are my own.  Typos are due to the awkwardness of trying to type with a sleeping baby on my lap.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Random Updates

Brian has gone back to work, and it is now just me and the boys again.  In the middle of the summer, it is so hard to think of resettling into one's routine, but here we are at it again.  I get used to Brian being home, to having someone else here.  I can simply say "Watch Silas!" and run off to the bathroom without worry, but by myself, I have to make sure he's out of harm's way.  (And can I just say, having an extra hand for diapers is wonderful?!)

The boys and I are getting acclimated to our more rigid routine once again.  No more we will be going out and taking trips to the zoo, the mall, or whatever else.  It is time to buckle down once again.  For me here, that means starting some sort of teaching with Caleb.  He is very resistant to us teaching him, to be honest.  He makes it very difficult.  He is behind on things, not just because of his delays, but because he is just plain stubborn.  I was just trying to teaching him days of the week, and he was saying "No.  No."  Lovely, right?

We have managed to teach him the alphabet, and he knows that very well.  Body parts we did long ago in the bath.  He knows basic colors, but we still need to do more.  Lots to do, if only he weren't so resistant!

He is also extremely resistant to potty training.  We cannot get anywhere with him right now.  He is so fearful and doesn't want anything to do with it.  We even put big boy underwear on his stuffed animals.  Nothing works.

Silas took one shaky step last night, while trying to get from one wall to another.  He's not quite ready yet for walking, but it was neat to see him take one step for now!  He will be starting occupational therapy soon.  I already had him evaluated for his self-feeding delay, and we were approved, so I am just waiting for his therapist to call me.

He still isn't sleeping through the night, but what else is new?  His wake up time varies all over the place.  I am so tired, I am practically falling asleep while talking to Brian at about 8:50 p.m.  I'm trying get to bed earlier these days.

We still sleep out here in the living room, because it is impossible to share a room with him, and I feel like we are living out of a suitcase.  I can't keep things in the room that I need, because he is sleeping!  It kind of drives me crazy, but that is life right now, and I simply have to accept it.

I have started a gluten-free, casein-free diet for the boys and me.  I have to do it, too, because Silas is nursing.  It is hard!  No more cheese!  Let me tell you how hard it is to be without my coffee creamer in the morning!  I have replaced Caleb's yogurt with an almond milk yogurt, and while I can tell he doesn't like it as much, he is eating it, though less than normal.  And let me tell you, these gluten-free, casein-free groceries are super expensive.  Oh, and no more milk chocolate!  Boo!

I will be trying this out for three months to see if it has any positive effects on the boys.  If it does, it will become permanent.  Many autistic children do well on this diet, but my boys aren't your typical cases, so only time will tell.  There are other food sensitivities we might have to figure out, but I'm going to start with this for now.

Changing topics, I was stung by a bee two days ago.  It was Brian's last day home; thank God he was here!  We were enjoying his last day out on the deck.  I saw a bee fly by my right side, and Brian said, "There's a bee by your arm."  All my life, when there has been a bee anywhere in my presence, I ignored the old advice to "sit still" and ran like crazy, screaming for good measure.  When Brian told me about the bee, I actually decided to stand still.  And you know what, I was stung, for the first time in my life.  I think I'll go back to running like a crazy person, thank you, and of course, screaming like a girl.  It kept me safe before!

Now I know why I always screamed.  Boy, did that hurt!  Not so much the actual sting, which was nothing more than a needle, but when that venom gets in there, yikes!  My arm burned for hours.  I panicked at first, fearful I was going to have an allergic reaction (I did not), and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to care for the boys.  I'm so glad Brian was here to help me with my arm and help get the boys back inside after it happened, and I'm so glad it happened to me and not the boys!  (Brian was stung by multiple bees when he uncovered a hornet's nest when he was five.  I cannot, cannot imagine!)

Brian had some changes to his classroom this year.  Some are for the best, others are awkward.  Time will tell how it goes.  I pray he has a great year!  We sure do miss him around here.  His absence is felt at every moment.

Thanks for reading!

Friday, September 2, 2016

Summer Summary Via Pics

Well, not actually the whole summer.  These photos are just from August.

Silas did not want to be in the pool.  He was in there long enough to take this photo, and that was it.  I remember Caleb didn't like to be in the pool, either, but now, he loves it.  He stayed in there for a while!

It was so good for Silas and Daddy to spend more time together!

No, Silas didn't lose weight!  That's my nephew, Isaac!  He looks so much like his big sister, Lindsey.

Never did I think my sister and I would have babies together.  She was "done" just before I got married, when her twins arrived.  God had other ideas.  These two are the closest in age between any other cousins!

I could not resist buying matching pajamas for the boys.  One cold night, they had them on instead of their warm weather jammies.  (And yes, Silas pulled his sock off.)

It might not be earth-shattering, but this is Caleb's last donut.  Not that he had donuts a lot, but because we are going gluten-free, I had to give him one last treat.

Brian's summer dream came true.  We saw a bear in the neighbor's yard across the street.  I saw four bears in our front yard back in April, but Brian was at work.  He ran outside, ignoring my desperate pleas of "Don't cross the street!" and began to growl at the bear.  Mr. Bear was too busy eating the trash to care about my husband.  Thank goodness.

This was a big deal to Caleb.  He conquered all sorts of slides this summer:  big ones and spiral ones.  He had been eyeing this all throughout one visit, but kept chickening out.  When he did it, he was so happy.  And so were we!

This was just too cute not to include.  No recollection of where we are going.

One of Silas's favorite places to be!

Caleb loves the playground!

The boys love the sandbox.  I, however, don't like how much sand they carry with them into the house!

This was on our anniversary when we went to the zoo.  Apparently the cashier taking the photo could not wait for Silas to turn around.

And today, we went to school with Daddy to help him set up his classroom!  How we are going to miss him!

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A Wonderful Summer

Though it was not without its hard times, overall, this has been a wonderful summer.

For all of the things I don't have:  family that lives close by, a job for my husband that is close to home, the convenience of stores being close by, peace and serenity when I walk into my yard without worrying about a bear coming by, I do have one thing that makes it all worthwhile.

My husband is home in the summer.

That one thing keeps me going on the hard days.  Seriously.

It has been amazing to have him home.  There is nothing like the summer for us.  Brian is much more relaxed than he is normally in the evenings or on the weekends simply because his work is behind him.  He is at rest.  Other than his (very) part-time second job, he is all ours.

We've done a lot this summer.  We've been to two different zoos.  We traveled to my family twice (only for doctor appointments, in fact,  one of the visits I didn't even see my brother and sister).  We also went to NY to say goodbye to Brian's sister who was moving.  The park was visited a number of times, in fact, we went to several different parks.  We brought the boys to the lake to play in the water a couple of times.  Brian got to take Caleb to a concert (it was too late in the day for Silas).  We went to the mall (an hour away, so it is a big deal) just this past Monday.  Oh, and we went to the library a few times.

It was so fun to get out, especially after Caleb, Silas, and I were trapped during the year due to my driving ban.  It was tricky getting out with Silas, because unlike Caleb two years ago, Silas's naps are still a mess.  I try very hard to stick to the "schedule", but we had trouble this summer for the sake of getting out.  With Caleb two years ago, he had a great first nap at the same time every single day, we did our going out after his nap, and we came home in time for his second nap.  He never slept in the car, and it was wonderful.  Not so much with Silas.

Brian and I attacked some cleaning that we don't normally do, namely, downstairs.  We worked side-by-side on many things, and he even graciously used his muscles to scrub the tub for me when I was cleaning the bathroom, because I am going to take advantage of additional arm strength when I have it.

It has also been so good for our marriage to have Brian home.  You would think we'd be sick of each other, but we are not.  I love being with Brian and doing things as a family.  As I said before, when Brian isn't working, it brings a different level to our marriage.  There is no job to occupy  his thoughts and no worries to deal with at the workplace.  He is also better able to identify with me here, although it isn't the same when he is gone.

Like all good things, this summer must, too, come to an end.  I am having a harder time letting it go than usual.  Perhaps it is because my boys are both difficult in their own ways.  This truly is the hardest time for us, as Silas's delays have recently unfolded, and now we have two boys who are developmentally behind.  More than the delays, though, it is the attitude.  Meltdowns abound in this house.  Having my partner with me makes it so much easier.

Most of all, I'll miss seeing Brian with the boys, all the time.  He is such a fun, loving daddy.  He is also the perfect counterpart to me.  I'm the ever diligent one, the boring one, the one who is always squeezing in a chore when possible.  Daddy is the laidback, silly, goofy one.  Don't get me wrong.  He is also the stern one.  I need him, more than he knows.

We'll miss you, Daddy!  But we'll always be here, waiting for you at the end of the day, with a hot meal on the table.

I love you, darling!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

A Pit Called Autism

It is clear that the baby that Brian came home to at the start of the summer is not the same baby he will be leaving in September.

Silas has changed over the summer, and it is apparent that some signs of autism are peeking out.  He is a bit young to be officially diagnosed, but since Caleb is in the spectrum, it is not unlikely that Silas will be also.  At Silas's well-visit yesterday, our concerns were validated.

How has he changed?  Besides how he has not changed (meaning, he still won't self-feed, put anything in his mouth, or let me give him various styles of sippy cups), he has become very clingy.  No lie, no exaggeration, in the morning he comes to me at least every 15-20 minutes wanting to nurse.  When we traveled to NJ last week for a doctor appointment, my parents witnessed this and can vouch for me.  While this behavior doesn't continue all day, he still nurses very frequently, much more than a twelve-month old should.

He is also very feisty.  Whether or not this is an autistic trait, I don't know, but diaper changes have become an all-out wrestling match for gold.  He is strong!  He resists being laid down, and when we were at the doctor's yesterday, they witnessed his display and immediately felt sorry for me when I said I go through this all the time!  How nice it was to be understood, even when I wasn't seeking it!  You may say that all babies are like this, and I agree- to an extent.  Silas's level of feisty is a bit over-the-top, and he responds as if it is torture to have a diaper change.

His sleep is still not what it should be, and this also can be a sign of autism.  During and after a rough few days when we traveled and he regressed, he seems to have gotten a bit better, thank goodness. For all the sleep training I have done, we can't seem to get him to where he needs to be, and it is very frustrating.

He is also behind on eating solids, and still prefers baby food over real food, and chokes very easily. Or, he prefers no food at all (like yesterday morning), and only wants my breast.

I have quit going to church.  It is impossible for me to sit there and hold Silas the whole service, and if I am going to run around chasing him, I would rather do so in the comfort of my own home.  Brian and Caleb go by themselves.  In all honesty, if I am being open and truthful, I don't miss it.  As nice as they are, I don't feel like the people there understand one iota of what we are going through, and often give flippant, one-liners to our problems, as if that one line is the problem-solver.

Autism is a dark pit.  I have battled with depression this whole school year, largely, I believe, due to autism.  Unless you are a parent of an autistic child, you simply cannot understand.  It is an awful blackness.  While Caleb is on the lower end of the spectrum, thank goodness, it still is an ugly, mysterious "disease" and it hurts watching your child go through it.

Don't misunderstand me.  I do have MUCH to be thankful for.  Both Caleb and Silas make excellent eye contact.  (I am praying that Silas doesn't lose his, because there is often regression when it comes to autism.)  Caleb is not off in his own world.  He is a bit odd at times, and has many characteristics of autism, but he is here with us.  Thank the Lord!

Still, it is a dark pit, nonetheless.  The tempter tantrums and meltdowns are enough to send me to an insane asylum at times.  The fact that we have to repeat Caleb so often can drive us crazy too.  He will repeat words and we simply must repeat after him, or else his temper flairs.  While we do this just about all the time, we are only human, and sometimes get wrapped up in our own thoughts.  When we do, he lets us know he is mad.

Brian and I have just made a key decision.  We will be doing a gluten-free, casein-free diet for our boys.  We started a gluten-free diet months ago, but we were told Caleb did not have a gluten allergy, so we decided to quit.  However, I had still been wondering if it would be beneficial.  In my research, I have seen that a gluten sensitivity is not the same as a gluten allergy, and he still might reap the benefits.  Silas has gluten through my milk.  The harder part will be giving up dairy.  I need to take a few weeks to prepare, to rid my pantry and fridge of some products, and take the plunge on this new diet.  I also have to do it, as Silas has my milk.  (Goodbye, my delicious, homemade coffee creamer!)

While this diet does not look easy by any means (one mother said she cried a week before starting it, because it changes your whole life, and your old standby recipes won't work), it has helped many children with autism.  We will only know if it will work with Caleb and Silas if we do it.  Might it be a waste?  Sure.  It might be.  But we will only find out if we try.

We will probably be met with resistance, especially with Caleb, who will not understand where his yogurt and cheese have gone.  This will be the hardest part of all.  Prayers are welcome.

Brian and I have both been extremely discouraged as of late.  It's been so hard for us, so draining.  (We just had a diaper change with Silas, and it was an all-out battle.)  I have begged Brian if there was any way he could find a job in NJ near my family so I don't have to be alone all day, every day.  But life isn't that simple.

For now, we must walk this road.  Please pray that we can get out of this pit.  It is awfully dark and lonely down here.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Five Years

Five years ago today, at 1:30 p.m., I was a radiant bride.  I was wearing a beautiful white dress (purchased for $99, thank you), my hair and makeup were fixed so prettily.  But more than all that, I wore a glow that can only be worn by a bride on her wedding day.

Five years later, I don't look quite so radiant.  Two children later (and a baby who still refuses to sleep through the night), I am just plain exhausted.  These days, I don't sparkle quite like I did that day. Instead, I work to make the toilet bowl shine and the kitchen glow after dinner is all put away.

These days, life is not easy.  But still, after five years, my husband is by my side.  To his credit, he hasn't left me yet!

Today, I donned my glimmering bridal headband, earrings, and bracelet that I wore five years ago.  It is a little tradition I started, so I can feel a bit more connected to that day.  They came with me to the zoo, where Brian and I brought our boys.  Today, we celebrated as a family.

I'm so grateful for my husband, and I hope we have forty-five more years together!

I love you, darling.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Silas: Twelve Months

Dear Silas,

I remember one year ago today pretty well.  I was already overdue with you eight days, and I was more than ready for you to come out.  I began having small contractions throughout the day, but I was in disbelief and I didn't really think I was in labor.  Daddy and I had one last appointment with my midwife near the hospital, and thinking we probably would not come back home, we packed our car and said goodbye to Caleb.  I cried after we left him with Grammy, because it was the first time we left him behind.

We saw my midwife, and she didn't think we were in active labor yet, either.  I remember clearly how she was trying to decide what to do.  Should she send us home, almost an hour away?  She decided to get us checked into the hospital.  She gave me some homeopathic treatments that might help jump start labor, and she told us she'd meet us there.

We grabbed dinner, and then headed for the hospital.  Right after we were settled in a room, labor began to come on strong.  When my midwife came to check on me, she was surprised to see things taking off as they were.  You were on your way!  And four hours later, you were born!

Here we are, one year later.  How does time go so fast?  I think it goes even faster for parents of babies under one, because there is so much change in that first year.

You are a fussy little boy.  Some mornings (like this one), I can't seem to do anything to make you happy, and you want to nurse so frequently I feel like it is all I do.  However, I know that this, too, shall pass, and I need to remember that even when it is hard.

You love to laugh and be tickled!  You have a wonderful laugh, and sometimes Caleb can get you laughing, just by looking at you.

You've been cruising around while holding onto furniture, for sometime now.  You are not yet ready for independent steps, but I think it'll be in the next couple of months.  As for talking, you say "mama" clearly, and here and there you call out for me.

The piano is one of your favorite things, and you bounce up and down to the rhythm of the music that is pre-programmed.  It is too cute!

You seem to really like books, though as you have been more on the go, I've had a bit of a harder time trying to read them to you.  You love your naptime books, where you have no choice but to be still!

You still are not doing any kind of self-feeding.  You won't let me give you a water bottle, either.  To say that I am concerned about this is an understatement.  Regardless of what happens, we will love you and walk down this road with you.

It has been fun bringing you and Caleb out more this summer!  You love the swing, and I don't hear any fussing from you when you are on it.  When we went to the lake down the street, you at first didn't want to be in the water, but when I pulled you in my lap and held you close, you loved it!  Your life jacket was another story, as it kept creeping up onto your face, and I had to chuck it and keep an iron grip on you.  (For readers, we were in the very shallow part of the water, right near the lifeguard.)

Nursing is still a favorite activity of yours.  I nursed your brother until just over two years old, when I was making way for your arrival.  It broke my heart to end that part of our relationship.  I'm not sure yet how long you will go, but you are by no means ready to stop any time soon.  My little man, I will continue to be here for you.

I love you, sweetheart.  You often cry when I leave the room, and I plan to remind you of this when you are a teenager :)  I am sure that in time, Daddy will be the best thing ever, but right now, you are still a mama's boy.  I received your weekly Baby Center update today, and for the first time it said "Your Toddler This Week", and I have to admit, it made me sad.  You are still my baby, despite what the calendar says.

Happy Birthday, my dearest boy!  I love you so much!

Love,
Your mama










Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hurting Hearts

"It's enough to drive a man crazy, it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder, if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the Heaven's only answer is the silence of God
It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles
Have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a Stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain but the breaking does not
The aching may remain but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God"

~"Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson

If you know Brian, you know he is an Andrew Peterson fan.  When we began to correspond in the summer/early fall of 2009, he wrote some of the words to this song in one of his letters.  Immediately, I saw the depth of Brian, both of his heart and of his mind, and I instantly resonated with the sad emotion behind this song.


You know it is has been quite a year for us.  When I think back to one year ago, we were awaiting the arrival of our Silas.  We were three days from my due date, but of course, Silas followed in Caleb's footsteps and arrived eight days late.  We hadn't yet had to deal with seizures, an autism diagnosis, confusion, heartache of watching your child sometimes fall apart, and of course, the silence of God.


When the school year began, I had a two year old and a few week old baby.  Then my seizure hit in mid-September.  Then another came in January.  In February, Caleb's behavior sent us running to the doctor, and we were faced with the overwhelming feelings of raising a child with autism.  Slight-yes- but still.


Adding now to this... it is very possible Silas has autism.


I don't wish to jump the gun.  But I cannot bury my head in the sand.  He is falling behind on a major developmental delay:  feeding himself.  In fact, from the time he was tiny, he has never really put toys in his mouth.  I can't say "never", because I've seen it maybe twice.  But on the cusp of his first birthday, he has not put any food in his mouth.  He also refuses a water bottle or anything in his mouth at all.


These aren't good signs.


Caleb had a feeding delay.  But he finally started at around ten months, while Silas still hasn't figured it out.


I could be wrong, and I pray that I am.  The neurologist told us that the chances go up for subsequent children to have autism... how those words stung, and still do.


The bottom line is that it is too early to tell, because he'll need to be behind in several areas, but I have to brace myself for what may be.


Okay, folks.  I don't wish to be overly dramatic, something I do tend to be.  No surprise there, as I am a former English teacher and lover of a good (clean) Christian romance novel.  It is not cancer, nor is it a death sentence. But it is a sad thing to watch your child lag behind.  I had secretly been hoping, somewhere in a small pocket inside of me, that Silas could help Caleb.  That his doing things on time would somehow cause Caleb to want to keep up.  


We were at the library yesterday for a Mommy and Me story time, and a boy a few months younger than Caleb was answering questions so easily, and he spoke a full sentence without a problem.  I could not help but stare, and feel an overwhelming sadness.  Is it wrong to want my boy to all he can be, with nothing holding him back?  To not do odd things? And the thought that Silas may face this battle, too... is my heart strong enough?


God has seemed silent to me for so long.  I know He is not.  I know that He is there.  But I ache to feel his presence and to feel His arms wrapped around me once again.  For I am haunted by the fact that this all is my fault, perhaps the result of that stupid vaccine I had received just before I became pregnant with Caleb.  


This school year will begin much different from the last.  And like this song, in my loneliest moments, I must remember He wept all alone.  For me.  And for my sons.


And He loves them far, far better than I ever could.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Our Summer So Far

Brian began his summer break two weeks ago, and I became one of the happiest people on earth.
 
It's been wonderful having the extra help with two little ones.  Changing diapers for two children is not easy, so having an extra set of hands has been pretty close to heaven.
 
We've been getting out more, so the prisoners that Caleb, Silas, and I were this past year have been set free.  What's more, my driving ban is pretty much over.  It was this week, six months ago, that I had my last seizure.  I took Silas for a quick trip to the store yesterday- by myself- and it felt like going out with Caleb when he was smaller.  I HAVE NEVER taken both boys out by myself, because my first seizure happened pretty quickly after Silas was born, and I had never gotten the chance.  Some new things are in store for sure.
 
We began the vacation as we always do, heading straight for the zoo.  Since then, we've tried to go to the park, the library, and we tried canoeing, but it didn't work out.  Caleb was terrified, and Silas's life jacket was awkwardly covering his chin/mouth, and he was not having it, so that ended that.  We put them on the swings instead, and it was pure delight.
 
Last week, we headed to my home in NJ, because Caleb and I are seeing a doctor there.  In truth, I'd rather not travel at all, because we are at a difficult stage with Silas, but we have no choice.  About 50-55 minutes from my parents, there is a homeopathic doctor we are seeing.  He was recommended to me by my sister.  I cannot explain exactly what he does, but in some cases, it is nothing short of a miracle.  People come from all over to see him, including 31 states and 7 countries.  It is expensive, because insurance does not cover it, and between me and Caleb both, we are spending a great deal.
 
Do we know for sure Caleb will be healed?  No, we don't.  But we know that we love him more than we love money, and if there is any chance this doctor can cure him, we are willing to take it.  It isn't a waste, because he is making Caleb healthier, even if the autism isn't cured.  He told us that he had a four-year-old girl as a patient, who had never once spoken, and her parents were spending a great deal of money to see him on travel alone, since they were from Texas.  It took a few visits, but he had her speaking at last, and she was speaking exactly like other four-year-olds.  (Before they had come to him, they had gone all over, including France, and no one else could help her.)
 
Changing topics, we have lots of plans for the rest of the summer.  We want to take the boys swimming in the lake down the street.  We plan on going to another zoo later this summer.  Down the street from the hospital where the boys were born is a fair in that we'll probably attend.  But, at the end of the day, the park with slides and swings is still probably the most exciting thing, at least for Caleb.
 
I'll leave you with a few photos from the zoo two weeks ago:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Silas: Eleven Months

Dear Silas,

As you are cruising your way along (literally) to one year, Daddy and I are watching in awe as you blossom and grow. 

You are standing all the time now, and you can take a step or two while holding on to furniture.  When I come get you after a nap, you might be standing up, waiting in desperation for me to come rescue you.

You have mastered crawling.  Mommy and Daddy find it a bit easier to block you in the living room, instead of running around the kitchen and dining area chasing you.

I've said it before and it bears repeating:  You are a mama's boy.  Plain and simple.  When we traveled this past week, it was quite difficult for me at times, because all you wanted was me while in a strange place.  I could barely go get myself a drink, so short was the leash you had on me. 

You look like me.  Or at least, the baby version of me.  Never did I look at Caleb's face and for one minute think he looked like me, because he doesn't.  But you?  It is different.  Many times I've stared at you and thought you resembled my baby pictures.  Your daddy thinks so, too.

We've been shut up all year while I have been on my driving ban.  As we have started getting out more with Daddy home, I am almost surprised by the reactions you receive from people.  Who doesn't love a baby?  And who doesn't love one as handsome as you?  You receive so many comments and smiles!

You can clearly say "ma ma" and at times you call for me when going down or getting up.  You still won't self-feed, nor will you let me give you water from a bottle.  If I want to give you water, I have to spoon-feed it.  You just don't like things in your mouth, period.  You never chew on toys or put anything in your mouth.  A blessing, yes, but I am concerned about these delays.  We will have to wait and see how things turn out.

You and Caleb are clearly becoming friends.  Yes, Caleb is rough with you, but we hope to change that in the future.  The smiles you give one another are beautiful.  We pray and hope that you will be so much more than brothers.  We want you to be best friends.  A sibling is a gift, and I hope you both come to feel that way, too.

Your sleep still leaves much to be desired, but I have to remind myself there are worse things in life.  We will get through this, even though it is hard.  One day, we will all sleep through the night again!  Either that, or Jesus will come back before that happens!

Silas, you are a little light in my life.  I love you tremendously.  Watching you grow is a wonderful thing to behold.  Your smiles and giggles are precious.  Snuggling you and holding you cheek to cheek is still one of my favorite things in this world. 

One day, you'll be watching your bride walk down the aisle of a church.  I, my love, will be watching you.  I will be remembering the little boy who doesn't like me out of his sight.  My heartstrings will pull and tug and ache in all the right places.  And when we dance at your wedding, I'll be remembering how I carried you and danced with you in our little living room.  When I hold you and spin you around while singing, "Could I have this dance, for the rest of my life?  Would you, Silas, be Mommy's partner, every night?" I sometimes think about that future dance we will have together.  And I want to echo Laura Ingalls Wilder, who said in her books, "Now is now, and it can never be a long time ago."

I love you.

Love,
Your mama

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Sleep Regression X 2

So, this is one of those posts where I will begin by asking for your prayers.

No, we don't need a life-threatening illness cured.  Brian hasn't lost his job.  We are all well-fed.

We simply need SLEEP.

Both Silas and Caleb are having sleep issues.

I'll start with Caleb, since his is shorter to explain.  Two nights ago, he asked to sleep in the crib.  As you know, Silas is still in the pack 'n play in our room, and there isn't enough room to put the crib in our room, or it would be smack up against the window.  Caleb has been sleeping in his "big boy bed" since March, but he wanted to sleep in his crib.

After Daddy firmly told him "no" and put him back to bed, he heard Caleb running around.  He opened the door to find Caleb throwing his stuffed animals (that he sleeps with) into the crib.  Daddy said, "Get back to your bed."  Caleb ran across the room, threw himself in his bed, and accidentally slammed his head against the wall.  Daddy comforted him and tucked him back in.

Later, as I always check in on Caleb before I go to sleep, I found Caleb asleep on the floor, legs under his toddler bed, crammed next to the night table.  Was he trying to make his own "crib"?  I got Brian, who is stronger than I, and he scooped Caleb up and put him back in bed, waking him a bit on the way.

Last night, Caleb cried when he asked to sleep in his crib and we told him no, and at nap time today he wanted to sleep in the crib.

????

We tried to explain that he doesn't want that, that he would be trapped in there, and that is no fun. 

I guess we'll have to ride this out.  It has also been taking him longer to settle at night.  I am hoping this summer we'll tire him out with all the activities we have planned.

Now, let's discuss Silas.

Gee, where to begin?

I have read that there is a sleep regression common in 8-10 month olds that occurs due to new motor skills.  Silas just learned to stand up, so look out.  His sleep has all but fallen apart.

He no longer wants to nap.  I put him in his pack 'n play, and as soon as I lay him down, he sits up.  He plays for a bit, then cries, and cries, and cries.  He either sits or stands, but he will not lay down and he will not sleep.  I have tried coming in to lay him back down, but it does not work, and he is back up again in seconds.

Yesterday, he had one brief half hour nap and was up at 9:30.  He did not nap the rest of the day.  I put him to bed at 6, since he was EXHAUSTED, and he woke up at 8:15 p.m..  This is not a normal night waking time for him, but I believe he woke up because he is so overtired, and when babies are overtired, they actually don't sleep well at all.  He cried for 2 hours!  I did try laying him down, twice, to no avail.  I was shaking because I was so weary of hearing him cry. 

He woke again at 2:54.  I have been reading up on baby sleep like I am studying for a final exam, and though I don't like it, best thing to do is cry-it-out.  He has got to learn to lie down and settle himself.  So, I let him cry.  I went in at 4:45 after much internal debate, but since it was Brian's last day at work (except for graduation where he conducts the band), I decided I better deal with it early, since I have both boys to deal with by myself.  I came in the room to find Silas standing up, staring at the door, and he had no pants on!  How in the world did he manage to take his pants off?  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I scooped him up and took him to bed with me, and we both collapsed in exhaustion until about 6:30, when I had no choice to get up and get Caleb.

Silas's sleep was not great before.  He always woke in the wee hours, but not at 8:15.  And he always napped, even if it was short.  Now that he is so excited to be sitting and standing, it is all he wants to do.

I am so sleep-deprived that I have lots of headaches, and on Monday it was so bad, I felt sick. 

I'm not sure what else to do.  If I look like a crazed lunatic, at least I have an excuse!

Friday, June 17, 2016

From My Heart

A few days ago, Caleb said "I love you" to me for the first time.

He has said it before, but only after I have prompted him, one word at a time.  This time, however, he said it on his own, and I hadn't said the phrase to him.  I was having a serious conversation with him, the kind where my eyes were watering up, and he said, "I love you." 

Cue the melting heart.  I have been waiting a long time to hear those words.

I am sure you all heard of the boy in Florida who was grabbed by the alligator?  That story has gripped my heart since I first heard it.  I kept picturing Caleb in that situation.  And I wondered, what would he be thinking in the last moments?  Besides sheer panic, would he thinking that I loved him?

I'm going to open up my heart here, because I feel so little of that is done in the church today.  We've had our struggles with Caleb.  It is not easy.  But sometimes, I step back and listen to myself, and I don't like what I hear.  I'm snapping at Caleb much more than I should.  "Don't throw that!  Don't hit Silas!  Come here... NOW!"  And I got to thinking, gee, I need to make sure I am telling him I love him, more than anything else. (Not that I ever stopped saying those words, but I think you know what I am trying to say.)

I've tried to change my tune.  Of course, Caleb still needs the teaching and the training, but if I do it without love, it will be for nothing.

Brian took off from work yesterday, because we had an appointment with Caleb's neurologist.  The four of us headed out, close to an hour's drive.  We had a small list of questions, and the doctor was patient to answer them.

First, Caleb is borderline autistic, on the lower end of the spectrum.  We are thankful he is not a severe case.  For example, Caleb is easily engaged and makes excellent eye contact.  He's not off in his own little world- thank the Lord!

The bad news:  since Caleb is slightly autistic, the chances of future children having autism go up.  We don't yet know if Silas will have autistic traits.  So far, he shows no signs.  However, Caleb's signs did not show up at Silas's age.  We will have to wait and see, and of course, pray.

We discussed the issue of room sharing for Silas and Caleb.  If you've read this blog for a time, you know Silas has been sleeping in our room.  Brian and I have been evicted, forced to sleep on the couches in the living room.  Why don't we simply share with Silas?  Two reasons.  Silas still wakes up crying in the morning, and I don't want to listen to him cry, right next to him, at about 3:30.  Also, Brian snores fairly loudly, and if it is enough to wake me up, it will wake Silas up.  I don't want to sleep in a separate room from my husband, so we are both out of our own bedroom. 

Why don't we put Silas downstairs?  Since we are built on a slab, we treat the downstairs like a basement.  It gets slightly musty in the summer, and there are patches of mold here and there.  We treat them, but they do pop up.  We would not put our children to sleep down there, night after night.

When we asked about Caleb and Silas sharing a room, I thought the doctor would wave aside my concerns and tell me to put them together.  It was the opposite!  He thought neither was ready to share a room with one another, and that we should wait until they are a bit older.  I was, on the one hand, relieved to know I'm not just a worry-wart who has been holding them back for no reason, but on the other hand, I was discouraged to think that Brian and I will still be sleeping in the living room for months to come.  (The love seat, folks, is not long enough for my legs.) 

We also asked about Caleb's disobedience, which is a real problem.  I texted my sister one day, telling her that I was worried Caleb would end up in jail some day, because we just can't get him to be obedient, no matter how hard we try.  He told us two things.  With boys, it takes longer.  And for someone like Caleb, with his developmental delays, it will take even longer.  He encouraged us to keep at it, keep training him, and don't give up.  I needed to hear it.  He said Caleb is in a battle with us, and he is trying to gain control.  We have to keep on him, and he will get it one day.  It will simply take more time with him.  We breathed a sigh of relief as we heard this, trusting that all is not yet lost.

We discussed Caleb's physical "obsession" with hitting Silas, sitting on him, rolling on him, poking his eye, pushing him, etc.  He said this is something true for boys in general, and no matter how much we remind him not to do those things, it just doesn't compute.  Hopefully, in time and as he matures, we can teach him what is appropriate, and what is not.  Obviously, they are boys, and they are going to wrestle and clobber and whatever else, but we need to teach them both what is acceptable and fun, and what is unacceptable and just plain mean.

We talked about his over-the-top fear of the potty that has prevented us from beginning potty training, and he gave us some practical tips.  When Brian is off this summer, he is going to take the reins on this, because it is not going to be easy.  There will be lots of screaming and fits of rage, and more than likely, it will take a while.  Step by step.

Most of all, the doctor encouraged us that it doesn't matter how Caleb starts out.  It matters how he finishes.  It is going to be hard, he told us.  But there is hope.

For me personally, the hardest thing has been Caleb's disobedience and temper.  I can handle the delays.  I can handle the fact that we need to help him use eating utensils, get him dressed, change his diaper at 3 years old, and sometimes use Google translator to understand him.  What bothers me most is the defiance and the temper.  Brian and I, more than anything, want to win his heart.  We want his obedience, unflinching and unwavering. 

I'm glad to have Brian home this summer.  He is the calm one, my steady "other half".  When Caleb is fuming and having a fit, he handles it better than I.  I need his strength. 

These past few days, I have been pouring my love on Caleb.  I think in the midst of all the "Don't push Silas!" reminders, and dealing with the screaming when he is mad at how I am stirring his yogurt, I had forgotten that loving him is still my first goal.  I have been far happier as I have shifted priorities.  One phrase that Caleb has heard me say many times is "Please forgive me".  I am not ashamed to admit when I am wrong, and I will model true humbleness and repentance before him.  When I have reacted to Caleb in anger, I have taken his face in my hands, looked him squarely in the eye, and confessed my wrong.  It is never too early to start demonstrating what repentance looks like.

I am a work-in-progress, folks.  God is not done with me just yet.

As always, we thank you for your prayers.