Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A Wonderful Summer

Though it was not without its hard times, overall, this has been a wonderful summer.

For all of the things I don't have:  family that lives close by, a job for my husband that is close to home, the convenience of stores being close by, peace and serenity when I walk into my yard without worrying about a bear coming by, I do have one thing that makes it all worthwhile.

My husband is home in the summer.

That one thing keeps me going on the hard days.  Seriously.

It has been amazing to have him home.  There is nothing like the summer for us.  Brian is much more relaxed than he is normally in the evenings or on the weekends simply because his work is behind him.  He is at rest.  Other than his (very) part-time second job, he is all ours.

We've done a lot this summer.  We've been to two different zoos.  We traveled to my family twice (only for doctor appointments, in fact,  one of the visits I didn't even see my brother and sister).  We also went to NY to say goodbye to Brian's sister who was moving.  The park was visited a number of times, in fact, we went to several different parks.  We brought the boys to the lake to play in the water a couple of times.  Brian got to take Caleb to a concert (it was too late in the day for Silas).  We went to the mall (an hour away, so it is a big deal) just this past Monday.  Oh, and we went to the library a few times.

It was so fun to get out, especially after Caleb, Silas, and I were trapped during the year due to my driving ban.  It was tricky getting out with Silas, because unlike Caleb two years ago, Silas's naps are still a mess.  I try very hard to stick to the "schedule", but we had trouble this summer for the sake of getting out.  With Caleb two years ago, he had a great first nap at the same time every single day, we did our going out after his nap, and we came home in time for his second nap.  He never slept in the car, and it was wonderful.  Not so much with Silas.

Brian and I attacked some cleaning that we don't normally do, namely, downstairs.  We worked side-by-side on many things, and he even graciously used his muscles to scrub the tub for me when I was cleaning the bathroom, because I am going to take advantage of additional arm strength when I have it.

It has also been so good for our marriage to have Brian home.  You would think we'd be sick of each other, but we are not.  I love being with Brian and doing things as a family.  As I said before, when Brian isn't working, it brings a different level to our marriage.  There is no job to occupy  his thoughts and no worries to deal with at the workplace.  He is also better able to identify with me here, although it isn't the same when he is gone.

Like all good things, this summer must, too, come to an end.  I am having a harder time letting it go than usual.  Perhaps it is because my boys are both difficult in their own ways.  This truly is the hardest time for us, as Silas's delays have recently unfolded, and now we have two boys who are developmentally behind.  More than the delays, though, it is the attitude.  Meltdowns abound in this house.  Having my partner with me makes it so much easier.

Most of all, I'll miss seeing Brian with the boys, all the time.  He is such a fun, loving daddy.  He is also the perfect counterpart to me.  I'm the ever diligent one, the boring one, the one who is always squeezing in a chore when possible.  Daddy is the laidback, silly, goofy one.  Don't get me wrong.  He is also the stern one.  I need him, more than he knows.

We'll miss you, Daddy!  But we'll always be here, waiting for you at the end of the day, with a hot meal on the table.

I love you, darling!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

A Pit Called Autism

It is clear that the baby that Brian came home to at the start of the summer is not the same baby he will be leaving in September.

Silas has changed over the summer, and it is apparent that some signs of autism are peeking out.  He is a bit young to be officially diagnosed, but since Caleb is in the spectrum, it is not unlikely that Silas will be also.  At Silas's well-visit yesterday, our concerns were validated.

How has he changed?  Besides how he has not changed (meaning, he still won't self-feed, put anything in his mouth, or let me give him various styles of sippy cups), he has become very clingy.  No lie, no exaggeration, in the morning he comes to me at least every 15-20 minutes wanting to nurse.  When we traveled to NJ last week for a doctor appointment, my parents witnessed this and can vouch for me.  While this behavior doesn't continue all day, he still nurses very frequently, much more than a twelve-month old should.

He is also very feisty.  Whether or not this is an autistic trait, I don't know, but diaper changes have become an all-out wrestling match for gold.  He is strong!  He resists being laid down, and when we were at the doctor's yesterday, they witnessed his display and immediately felt sorry for me when I said I go through this all the time!  How nice it was to be understood, even when I wasn't seeking it!  You may say that all babies are like this, and I agree- to an extent.  Silas's level of feisty is a bit over-the-top, and he responds as if it is torture to have a diaper change.

His sleep is still not what it should be, and this also can be a sign of autism.  During and after a rough few days when we traveled and he regressed, he seems to have gotten a bit better, thank goodness. For all the sleep training I have done, we can't seem to get him to where he needs to be, and it is very frustrating.

He is also behind on eating solids, and still prefers baby food over real food, and chokes very easily. Or, he prefers no food at all (like yesterday morning), and only wants my breast.

I have quit going to church.  It is impossible for me to sit there and hold Silas the whole service, and if I am going to run around chasing him, I would rather do so in the comfort of my own home.  Brian and Caleb go by themselves.  In all honesty, if I am being open and truthful, I don't miss it.  As nice as they are, I don't feel like the people there understand one iota of what we are going through, and often give flippant, one-liners to our problems, as if that one line is the problem-solver.

Autism is a dark pit.  I have battled with depression this whole school year, largely, I believe, due to autism.  Unless you are a parent of an autistic child, you simply cannot understand.  It is an awful blackness.  While Caleb is on the lower end of the spectrum, thank goodness, it still is an ugly, mysterious "disease" and it hurts watching your child go through it.

Don't misunderstand me.  I do have MUCH to be thankful for.  Both Caleb and Silas make excellent eye contact.  (I am praying that Silas doesn't lose his, because there is often regression when it comes to autism.)  Caleb is not off in his own world.  He is a bit odd at times, and has many characteristics of autism, but he is here with us.  Thank the Lord!

Still, it is a dark pit, nonetheless.  The tempter tantrums and meltdowns are enough to send me to an insane asylum at times.  The fact that we have to repeat Caleb so often can drive us crazy too.  He will repeat words and we simply must repeat after him, or else his temper flairs.  While we do this just about all the time, we are only human, and sometimes get wrapped up in our own thoughts.  When we do, he lets us know he is mad.

Brian and I have just made a key decision.  We will be doing a gluten-free, casein-free diet for our boys.  We started a gluten-free diet months ago, but we were told Caleb did not have a gluten allergy, so we decided to quit.  However, I had still been wondering if it would be beneficial.  In my research, I have seen that a gluten sensitivity is not the same as a gluten allergy, and he still might reap the benefits.  Silas has gluten through my milk.  The harder part will be giving up dairy.  I need to take a few weeks to prepare, to rid my pantry and fridge of some products, and take the plunge on this new diet.  I also have to do it, as Silas has my milk.  (Goodbye, my delicious, homemade coffee creamer!)

While this diet does not look easy by any means (one mother said she cried a week before starting it, because it changes your whole life, and your old standby recipes won't work), it has helped many children with autism.  We will only know if it will work with Caleb and Silas if we do it.  Might it be a waste?  Sure.  It might be.  But we will only find out if we try.

We will probably be met with resistance, especially with Caleb, who will not understand where his yogurt and cheese have gone.  This will be the hardest part of all.  Prayers are welcome.

Brian and I have both been extremely discouraged as of late.  It's been so hard for us, so draining.  (We just had a diaper change with Silas, and it was an all-out battle.)  I have begged Brian if there was any way he could find a job in NJ near my family so I don't have to be alone all day, every day.  But life isn't that simple.

For now, we must walk this road.  Please pray that we can get out of this pit.  It is awfully dark and lonely down here.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Five Years

Five years ago today, at 1:30 p.m., I was a radiant bride.  I was wearing a beautiful white dress (purchased for $99, thank you), my hair and makeup were fixed so prettily.  But more than all that, I wore a glow that can only be worn by a bride on her wedding day.

Five years later, I don't look quite so radiant.  Two children later (and a baby who still refuses to sleep through the night), I am just plain exhausted.  These days, I don't sparkle quite like I did that day. Instead, I work to make the toilet bowl shine and the kitchen glow after dinner is all put away.

These days, life is not easy.  But still, after five years, my husband is by my side.  To his credit, he hasn't left me yet!

Today, I donned my glimmering bridal headband, earrings, and bracelet that I wore five years ago.  It is a little tradition I started, so I can feel a bit more connected to that day.  They came with me to the zoo, where Brian and I brought our boys.  Today, we celebrated as a family.

I'm so grateful for my husband, and I hope we have forty-five more years together!

I love you, darling.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Silas: Twelve Months

Dear Silas,

I remember one year ago today pretty well.  I was already overdue with you eight days, and I was more than ready for you to come out.  I began having small contractions throughout the day, but I was in disbelief and I didn't really think I was in labor.  Daddy and I had one last appointment with my midwife near the hospital, and thinking we probably would not come back home, we packed our car and said goodbye to Caleb.  I cried after we left him with Grammy, because it was the first time we left him behind.

We saw my midwife, and she didn't think we were in active labor yet, either.  I remember clearly how she was trying to decide what to do.  Should she send us home, almost an hour away?  She decided to get us checked into the hospital.  She gave me some homeopathic treatments that might help jump start labor, and she told us she'd meet us there.

We grabbed dinner, and then headed for the hospital.  Right after we were settled in a room, labor began to come on strong.  When my midwife came to check on me, she was surprised to see things taking off as they were.  You were on your way!  And four hours later, you were born!

Here we are, one year later.  How does time go so fast?  I think it goes even faster for parents of babies under one, because there is so much change in that first year.

You are a fussy little boy.  Some mornings (like this one), I can't seem to do anything to make you happy, and you want to nurse so frequently I feel like it is all I do.  However, I know that this, too, shall pass, and I need to remember that even when it is hard.

You love to laugh and be tickled!  You have a wonderful laugh, and sometimes Caleb can get you laughing, just by looking at you.

You've been cruising around while holding onto furniture, for sometime now.  You are not yet ready for independent steps, but I think it'll be in the next couple of months.  As for talking, you say "mama" clearly, and here and there you call out for me.

The piano is one of your favorite things, and you bounce up and down to the rhythm of the music that is pre-programmed.  It is too cute!

You seem to really like books, though as you have been more on the go, I've had a bit of a harder time trying to read them to you.  You love your naptime books, where you have no choice but to be still!

You still are not doing any kind of self-feeding.  You won't let me give you a water bottle, either.  To say that I am concerned about this is an understatement.  Regardless of what happens, we will love you and walk down this road with you.

It has been fun bringing you and Caleb out more this summer!  You love the swing, and I don't hear any fussing from you when you are on it.  When we went to the lake down the street, you at first didn't want to be in the water, but when I pulled you in my lap and held you close, you loved it!  Your life jacket was another story, as it kept creeping up onto your face, and I had to chuck it and keep an iron grip on you.  (For readers, we were in the very shallow part of the water, right near the lifeguard.)

Nursing is still a favorite activity of yours.  I nursed your brother until just over two years old, when I was making way for your arrival.  It broke my heart to end that part of our relationship.  I'm not sure yet how long you will go, but you are by no means ready to stop any time soon.  My little man, I will continue to be here for you.

I love you, sweetheart.  You often cry when I leave the room, and I plan to remind you of this when you are a teenager :)  I am sure that in time, Daddy will be the best thing ever, but right now, you are still a mama's boy.  I received your weekly Baby Center update today, and for the first time it said "Your Toddler This Week", and I have to admit, it made me sad.  You are still my baby, despite what the calendar says.

Happy Birthday, my dearest boy!  I love you so much!

Love,
Your mama