33 Weeks

Here is my little bowling ball at 33 weeks!  I got a hair cut, and, this is newsworthy folks, a BLOW-DRY!  Of course, we had to take a photo.  Normally I go to Supercuts for a haircut (cheaper!), but the wait time there has gotten ridiculous.  And no, before you offer some advice, I cannot check in ahead of time because my phone doesn't have internet when I leave the house, and if we are out running errands, I have no idea when I'll make it there.  (Yes, we still live in the dark ages.)

So I opted to go to a hair salon down the road, and since it is December and not July, I paid for the extra blow-dry.  At $36 (with tip), this better be worth it!  It probably won't be repeated for another decade, at least.

It was nice, for a few minutes at least, to have someone take care of me for a change.  There are few things more soothing than someone brushing your hair, am I right?

Anyway, we are enjoying Brian's vacation, but don't think we're just relaxing.  We have been cleaning, decluttering, and cleaning some more in our efforts to get ready for baby.  While we have cleaned just about EVERYWHERE, some places are messy again:  Christmas gifts, boxes the gifts came in, mail we still need to sort through, Christmas wrap that needs to be put away, and who knows what else.  And when you have two little boys (or three, ahem, if you count the husband), things don't always stay neat.  (In all fairness to my hubby, he has been cleaning downstairs like madman.  I couldn't do it without him.)

On Monday, I'll be 34 weeks. so the new year will be rolling in with a mere 6 weeks to go.  Both of my boys were 8 days late.  Anything at all can happen, so I want to be ready for both early and late.  Brian has a school function coming up near the end of January, where he'll be taking the kids to a festival.  He is planning to have parent chaperones on hand, and alternate transportation (normally he drives them back to the school).  He simply cannot have people dependent upon him, just in case he gets an emergency phone call.

This is perhaps the hardest part of pregnancy.  It is the not knowing when to be ready, exactly.  When you live far from the hospital, it is even harder.

My prayers for all this to go smoothly get more intense as we get closer, and please God, let there be no snow!!

Five Stockings: Christmas 2019 and Anticipating 2020

(Please excuse the turned stocking.  We are waiting to put our daughter's name on the internet world until she is born.)  

Yes, we bought our daughter's stocking, even though she isn't here yet.  Well, what's a mama to do, when the stockings go on sale, and what if they stopped making them next year???  Of course, I had to buy it! 

We loved gazing at FIVE stockings on the shelf, and it brought such joy to our hearts.  This Christmas has been an unusual one.  Never before have I been this pregnant at Christmastime.  (I should have volunteered to play Mary in a Christmas program.)  My time had been split between getting ready for Christmas, nesting, nesting, and more nesting.  All day yesterday, as we celebrated, we were very aware of the daughter kicking away inside of me.  Caleb speaks of his sister and he can't wait for her arrival!  We were very aware that this was our last Christmas as a family of four.

Just the other day, I went out and bought some baby clothes for our girl for the very first time!  I had received some at my shower, but upon looking at what we had, I realized a few more things were needed for 0-3 months.  It was one thing to receive clothes as gifts, but it was another to go shopping myself.  Oh, my goodness, the choices!  There are endless possibilities for little girls.  It is almost overwhelming after shopping for only boys for 6 1/2 years! 

As the year wraps up, I am full of emotions.  Of course, we look forward to our girl's arrival.  But I would be lying if I said I didn't have a million fears.  We are at a difficult stage with Silas, and truth be told, there are moments I have no earthly idea how I am going to take care of a newborn with two boys who have developmental delays and behavioral issues. A newborn by themselves is fairly easy, other than the middle of the night feedings and changes.  Piece of cake!!!  But embarking on this next chapter of my life requires fortitude most days I doubt I possess. 

I cling only to the fact that I know it is God's will for this child to be here.  God had been speaking to us and knocking on the door of our hearts for quite some time, and He even used Caleb to speak to us.  I have absolutely no doubt that God has a purpose for her other than to give me more work to do! 

As the year ends and we put Christmas decorations away, we are turning our faces to the new year in a way we have never had to do before.  January will be full of last-minute prep.  I have seen two of my friends give birth three weeks early in the past year, so I have to be ready for any possibility.  I have already packed baby girl's diaper bag for the hospital.  I have looked over her things and carefully decided what we needed immediately, and made the purchases. 

At 33 weeks, I am feeling bigger than ever, and as I cleaned the bathroom this week, it was the first time I really felt that the everyday household chores are becoming a burden almost too great to bear.  I say "almost" because I won't quit.  Brian will vouch for me on that.  I am a beaver! 

We've had a lot of disappointments this past year.  In fact, the very night before I found out I was pregnant, we were at an Andrew Peterson concert.  If you know Brian, you know he has followed his unique music for years, and I have to say I really appreciate the stories his songs tell as well.  As we listened to him sing, there was a song about change.  There was so much in our lives never changing for the better.  We have prayed for a couple of years now for a new job for Brian.  We want to move out of this bear-filled area and be closer to civilization.  We have sought improvement for our boys both in terms of diet as well as a great deal of money spent on supplements and vitamins.  As we listened to the song, I grumbled in my heart, "Why doesn't anything change in our lives?"  I felt so STUCK.  I wasn't even thinking about pregnancy at that moment.  When I woke up the next day, I thought I might be pregnant, took a test, and our lives did change in a big way.  If you had asked me, I would have wanted the new job first, a bigger house, boys improving, and then maybe a baby would fit perfectly right after all of that.  Out of everything we ever prayed for this year, this baby girl was the major thing answered. 

Despite my fears and doubts about my own abilities, I love her.  She is wanted.  I look forward to seeing her sweet face for the first time.  We know that despite the work and the stress that will inevitably occur (after all, mom and dad will be forever outnumbered), this little girl is worth it all. And while my faith has been tested and challenged this year as it never has before, I cling to the fact that God knows what He is doing, even if I feel hopelessly lost. 

"Then Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?  Thou has the words of eternal life.'"~John 6:68

Baby Sprinkle

My sweet big sis and my dear mama threw me a baby sprinkle this past weekend!  It was truly lovely.  My sister is so clever when it comes to decorations.  My baby shower with Caleb was quite different, since we chose to be surprised with the gender.  It limits the decor a bit and everything is green and yellow.  It was so much fun seeing all the pink!

Since quite a few things I received before Caleb was born were hand-me-downs and have long since broken and been tossed, or Silas ripped some other things beyond repair, it was time for a small shower.  And since we still need to buy a car that can fit three kids with car seats, we truly needed help!  I was so grateful for the gifts we received, but more than that, I was grateful to see family and old, dear friends of mine I haven't seen in years!

When I sat down to open my first gift, I could see it was clothes peeking through the tissue paper.  I felt a long pause in my heart before I continued opening.  The significance of this moment was not lost on me.  I was going to see my baby girl's first clothes!  I was not disappointed!  Plenty of pink, flowers, and a onesie that said, "Daddy's Little Princess" and a tutu to boot!  I think I heard the whole room gasp in delight of the sweetness!

It was a beautiful shower, and I wish I had more photos.  The truth is that my camera turned on via travels and the battery was drained when I arrived.  I thought I plugged it in after arrival, only to find it got knocked out of the socket during the chaos of the shower.  My sister was so busy serving and preparing delicious food that she neglected to get many photos, too.

My sister out-did herself with everything.  Her family and mine both eat as healthfully as our budgets will allow, so I don't take for granted all the money my sister spent putting the food together.  She made delicious gluten-free cupcakes and anise cookies for dessert, and served a healthy sausage with potatoes and a chicken meatball soup.  All stuff I could eat, and my kids, too!

The boys had fun with their five cousins, whom they rarely get to see.  Brian and Uncle Rich took all the boys out for a bit, to get them away from the shower.  Silas did very well with his big girl cousins especially, who love to pretend Silas is chasing them, and he loves it too!

My sister purchased a decorative picture for me (seen up above), that says, "For This Child We Have Prayed".  It is so true when we think about our little girl.  We always believed we were supposed to have her, but as time went on and circumstances remained as they were, we started to give up hope.  God did quite a work to get us to the point to be open to pregnancy again, and in about three months or a little less than, we'll be holding our baby girl in our arms!

I'm so blessed to have had this sprinkle this past weekend, and I am grateful for all my mom and sis did for me, and for all those who celebrated with me!

Dolly

Well, hello.  Perhaps you'd like to meet the newest member of our family.  This is Dolly.

Last Sunday, I was at the store buying a few things for the Operation Christmas Child shoebox gift.  Last year, I chose a boy, because I am just so used to buying boy things, but this year, in honor of the baby girl we are waiting to hold in our arms, I decided to buy for a girl, age 2-4, the youngest age bracket you can choose.

I was looking at little dollies, and the only kind that I could find that would work well in a shoebox was this one here, along with her twin.  There were two dollies in the box.  I figured, well, we are having a girl in three months, so why not get the two?  It would not be a waste.

When I got home and started taking the dollies out of the box, both of my boys were ready to pounce on me and grab them from my hands.  Each had one before I could blink.  For little boys who are used to seeing trucks and cars, Paw Patrol toys, Lincoln Logs, and Legos galore, these dolls were foreign creatures.

I had to declare warnings (for Caleb mostly, since Silas doesn't understand) that we are giving one away, so let's not go crazy.  After Silas ripped the arm off the purple baby above, I quickly grabbed Caleb's unharmed pink doll and put her safely into the shoebox before she met some unfortunate fate too.  (I did manage to put the arm back in its socket, but alas, it is not the same.)

As I was putting Silas to bed that night, Caleb tucked Dolly into a Lincoln Log box and closed the lid, thinking to put her to bed.  When he reported this to me, I thought it was time for a lesson on how to care for a baby.  After all, he is going to have a little sister before we know it.  "Oh, no,"  I said,  "Get Dolly out of the box.  Let's tuck her in the car seat.  This can be her bed."

And so we did.  Caleb has been enjoying tucking Dolly into bed each night and getting her up in the morning.  Silas was fascinated by the fact that Dolly's eyes opened and closed whether she was laying down or upright.  However, do not fear.  They don't play with her throughout the day.  The newness has worn off.  For Caleb, I continue to use it as a lesson on how we can care for our own baby girl when she gets here.   I know Caleb will be a good big brother to his sister.  He notices EVERYTHING, and will report to me on every scrunch of face she makes, I have no doubt.

In church today, there was a baby girl two rows ahead.  I watched her and watched her, thinking of our own baby.  I still can hardly believe we are having another baby, let alone, a girl!  I'm enamored with pink sleepers and headbands, flowers and bows.  We still have so much to do, and I am working hard at home getting as many things ready as I can before the holidays hit.

Soon enough, these little feet that are kicking me constantly will be ours to enjoy! 

24 Weeks

I felt like it was time for me to pause (something this beaver doesn't do too often), and reflect on this pregnancy, and what it means to me.

I'm not in any hurry.  I'm 24 weeks and happy to be so.  It's funny how things change with each pregnancy.  With Caleb, I simply could not wait to be a mom.  I was counting down the weeks and they could not go fast enough.  

Even with Silas, I was pretty eager.  I was already a mom, but I will still excited to meet him and hold him and turn our family into a family of four.

Well, now things are a whole lot different.  I have two boys that are a handful and very needy.  Adding a newborn to the mix thrills and terrifies me at the same time.

But honestly, I know this is my last pregnancy.  I believed Silas was my last, but now I know with absolutely certainty that this is my last.  I am trying to enjoy the miracle for as long as possible.  A woman with child is a miracle.  God puts this little seed there, and in no time, it goes from looking like a tadpole to a human.  Each week brings changes.  That little human grows and develops and is able to feel pain and hear sounds.  Babies can make faces in the womb, and they are every bit alive as you and I.  To carry a child in my womb, in such a time when the fight for life is at stake, is an honor.  I am so tired of hearing about women's rights.  Perhaps that is a rant for another time and place, but a baby in utero is a life that has value.  

I know that in a year this will all be a memory.  Carrying our little girl, feeling her many kicks, knowing her very survival depends on my own, will all be in the past.  It is a beautiful thing.  For certain, it is awkward and uncomfortable.  Sleeping is difficult, as well as many other things.  The mere act of bending down to pick up a toy (and getting back up!) requires Herculean effort.  But I would not trade it.  

We still have a million things to do before this baby gets here (including upgrading to either a van or SUV so we can fit three car seats, as well as tearing apart our bedroom and finding whatever nooks and crannies to store this baby's clothes and things since she doesn't have a room).  I feel like I need more time, not less.  But besides that fact, I still want to enjoy it.  I don't want to complain over every ligament pain and the fact that the restroom is a constant need.  Sure, I may miss my regular clothes and drinking caffeine and not worrying about exceeding the recommended milligrams.  (Yes, I still have to be careful when nursing.)  But, this too shall pass.  Soon this little one will be in my arms, and I'll be marveling over the curve of her cheek and the softness of her skin.  I'll be delighted with how she scrunches her face and curls up her legs.  Right now, however, she's inside of me.  Something she will never be again.  Growing and thriving and being a very part of me.  It is a miracle.  I will enjoy the miracle, one we doubted we'd ever have, while she is there.  

So, little one, take your time.  You grow and get nourished and triple in size.  Fine tune your senses.  Put on a healthy weight.  Enjoy the sounds of Daddy's horn and your brothers being silly.  You can even hear me singing, though I can't say I have anything close to a good voice.  But perhaps you enjoy the lullaby I sing for Silas, the one that calms him when he is upset.

When you are ready, we will welcome you with wide open arms and plenty of kisses.  Be prepared for your Daddy to melt into a puddle when he holds you for the first time.  Get ready for lots of Daddy/daughter dances.  Caleb can't wait to meet his little sister!  I have been telling him all the ways he can love on you when you are born.  Silas still doesn't have a clue, and he might be downright jealous when you get here, so you are going to have to win him over with your sweetness.  Which I am sure you will!

We love you so much.  I am proud to carry you, and I will be proud to nurse you and to have you in my arms.  For now, for today, I am enjoying you being inside of me.  Snug and safe and warm.

Joy... Unsurpassable!

"And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for Him..." ~Isaiah 25:9

So the big question is:  Was this a surprise pregnancy?  The answer is simple!  Yes, it was, and no it wasn't!!

A long time ago, before I was even married, God told me I would have a little girl.  He even told me her name.  Now, I'm not one of these people who goes around saying, "God told me this, or God told me that".  I use such talk very sparingly.  The simple reason is I very well could be wrong.  The other reason is the main way God speaks to us is through His Word.  But there are other times He gives our hearts a nudge, in a clear way, perhaps differently from the norm.

When we were married and pregnant with Caleb, we decided not to find out the gender of our first baby.  After all, we didn't care.  We were thrilled to be pregnant!  I had told Brian the name of the little girl that God had shared with me, and he was completely on board.  Together, we decided on a middle name.  We were all set for a girl!  We actually didn't settle on Caleb until just before he was born, and he was late to boot!  Good thing we had something ready!

Fast forward to Silas.  Of course, this would be the girl.  God had told me we'd have a girl.  So when we were there getting our ultrasound, and the man with the cold personality performing our sonogram said with no emotion at all, "It's a boy," it felt just as he said it.  Flat.  I couldn't look at Brian for fear of tears.  I was so disappointed.  This was our last pregnancy!  There would be no girl for us.

Let me fast forward to say that I did get over it.  In that moment, I couldn't see Silas.  I could not see the chubby cheeks and the adorably pudgy body and the Mama's boy that he would become.  How he'd constantly want to stroke my skin or how he'd wait for me at the top of the stairs when I came home from the store and touch my face.  Of course, I fell in love with him and would not change him for all the girls in China.  (Nor for all the tea in China!)

We buried our dream of a girl.  Five weeks postpartum with Silas, I began to have seizures.  While I didn't have many at first, they picked up, and at one point I was having them approximately every month and a half to two months.  Of course I could not think about having another baby.  While epilepsy is certainly not a deal-breaker when it comes to pregnancy, the seizures left me totally weak and drained for the entire day after I had one in my sleep, and it took another night of sleep to restore me.  To have one pregnant, and go about the day carrying a child and caring for two boys, I could not imagine that.  

Yet, our dream of a little girl simply would not entirely vanish.  God continued to knock on our hearts.  We just didn't feel complete as a family.  We were not seeking to get pregnant, and we were by no means trying to. But we could not shake the thought that someone else was supposed to be here.  We couldn't quite say the words, "we are done" though we had no idea how in the world this could possibly happen.

Caleb, several months before we even dared think about the mere idea of opening ourselves up to another child, said to me one day, "You gotta get me a little sister."  It was the cutest thing ever, and I tried to explain that it wasn't that simple.  Still, I couldn't forget his earnest plea and tucked it away inside my heart.

After a time of research, I found that a major depletion of magnesium in one's body can lead to seizures.  I decided to try it.  After several months of applying magnesium to my skin at night (the best way to take magnesium), my seizures stopped.  Whether or not that is the absolute answer, I cannot say.  I only know I have not had one for a year.

There is another reason that led us to thinking about another child, and it is a major one for us, but it is one I will not write here.  Suffice it to say, we had an "awakening" moment in April of this year, and so many of our fears were shed in one single instant.  (Yes!  One instant!)

Brian and I began to look at each other and ask, "Should we?  Dare we give God the opportunity?  Can we handle a third child?"  And back and forth it went.  Brian was on board before I was ready.  I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time.  Finally, I felt God prompt me, what if we didn't give God a chance, and five years later, it is too late?  How would I feel if I ignored His obvious prompting?  I began to be filled with an urgency to trust Him and to pray.

So, we prayed.  Fervently.  We asked that if this was God's voice we were hearing all this time, that He would do several things.  1)  That we would get pregnant, with little effort on our parts.  In other words, we would not try to get pregnant.  2)  That it would be good for the whole family to have an addition, even our boys.  3)  That God would do it quickly, so we would not be wondering 6 months later.  4)  That if it was not His will, that He would close up my womb and shut the door.  We only wanted this if it was His will, end of discussion.  

We got pregnant within one month.

For the record, it took me three months to get pregnant with both boys, and that was with effort and intention.  My sister loaned me a fertility book, and that had every bit of information known to man on how to conceive.  I charted my cycles, took my basal body temperature every morning before I got out of bed, etc.  I did NONE of that this time.  I didn't want to try.  If it was God, He would do it without my help.  And it would be all the more confirmation that it was from Him.

The day I took the pregnancy test I will never forget.  It was Sunday, June 2, and I sat through an entire church service, barely paying any attention, scared to death.  I had a strong suspicion I could be with child.  I was in a frenzy all through service, trying to decide if I should take a test when I got home.  I decided, Brian was home and not at work, therefore I would take the test.  I went home, gathered my box kit, and hid it under my shirt for fear he'd see me.  I did not want to get his hopes up.  He really wanted this!  After several nervous and shaky moments, I had my answer.  I slipped quietly out of the bathroom, helped get the video started for Silas, and said to my husband, "I have to tell you something."

He looked at me expectantly, but had no idea what was coming. "I'm pregnant."

Big smile spread on his face.  "And I'm terrified," I said, and I proceeded to cry on his shoulder.  He held me while I sobbed.  After all, how could I take care of a newborn baby and two boys with developmental delays?

Underneath that fear, there was joy.  There was gladness.  God put life within me again, when we thought we were done.  It is a cause for rejoicing!  A human life, formed by God's own hand, is a cause for celebration.

We believed God had finally given us our little girl.  Even our physician's assistant, whom our boys see for a check-up once a year, spoke these words upon hearing our news:  "Oh, my goodness I am SO excited for you!  It's going to be a little girl and she's going to keep these two boys in line!"  I had to laugh right there.  Yes, leave it to an adorable little sister to keep her big brothers on their toes!  I have no doubt any little girl of mine could do just that!

As the date of our big Gender Reveal came closer, we were trying to talk ourselves out of a girl, so as to prepare ourselves for a boy.  We didn't want to be disappointed if it was a boy.  We wanted to rejoice in him regardless.  But of course, we still were hoping for a girl.  Oh, the torment!  As we drove to our appointment, we were tense.  Brian drove quickly in our efforts to get there (it is a 53 minute drive!)

We were quickly ushered in the exam room.  Silas began to scream for no good reason.  We prayed he'd quiet down and we brought out a myriad of snacks.  This was NOT the time for a meltdown.  Thankfully, he quieted.  The sonographer set things up, and away it began.

When she got to the big moment, she said, "Are you ready?"

"Yes!" Brian affirmed in a loud voice, and jumped to his feet, moving closer to the screen.

As she typed the words, all of heaven seemed to pause and wait with us.  The moment seemed to stop and suspend in the air.  Then the glorious words appeared on the screen.

"It's a girl!"

Tears (of the good kind) sprang to my eyes, and I covered my face with my hands.  Brian whooped and bent down to kiss me.  Our daughter.  Our little girl is here at last.  And we love her already.  Brian has completely lost his heart to his Daddy's little girl.  I can't wait to share long-awaited girl time with her.

Our family is complete.  Our hearts are full.

Thank you for rejoicing with us!