I swear I was born in the wrong century. I am old-fashioned at heart, and I often find myself daydreaming of what it must have been like to live in another time period, the 1800's for example. I see myself wearing long, billowing skirts that flow in the breeze, a bonnet to keep the sun out of my face (goodbye big sunglasses!), and a cozy shawl on chilly days. I see myself keeping my home, baking all manner of homemade goodies, working in the garden, making dresses from scratch, etc. The list goes on. Was there anything a mother in this century couldn't do?
I love being a homemaker. In fact, nothing makes me happier. But I often find myself constrained by my lack of experience with certain duties. I grew up not on a farm nor a homestead nor anywhere close. I never had to gather the eggs in the morning or milk a cow. I'm not a city girl, but I guess I'm pretty close.
Most days, I find that I am content. But when that bitter seed of discontentment rises up within me, I find myself lately searching for the source. I find that I am most discontent when I focus on my own limited abilities. I love being a homemaker, but I feel discontent when I fear I'm not a very good one.
I dream of a perfectly organized, clutterless home with an exact spot for everything and everything in that spot. I dream of a glorious garden with beautiful flowers and some vegetables of our very own. I dream of perfectly healthy meals that my family enjoys eating.
To be sure, there are things I do well. You won't find piled-up laundry in my house, and that's even with washing Caleb's diapers every other day. I keep the main living areas clean (mostly!), as well as the kitchen and the bathroom. I cook homemade meals, and I am trying more and more to be as healthy as our budget will allow. Yikes, organic stuff is expensive. (I wish someone would tell me why. You would think not using pesticides would be a savings.)
I take care of Caleb, and that's the bulk of my day right there. I spend a great deal of time sitting with him (aka- chasing after him) in the living room when often other duties beckon me, but he comes first. I make my husband's lunch every day; I press his shirts and pick out his outfit for work so he doesn't even have to think about what to wear in the morning.
This is not bragging, and I apologize if it seems that way. Sometimes I need to remind myself of the things I do well, because so often I focus on the areas where I come up short.
I am no gardener. To make matters difficult, there was no garden when we moved here. Everything needs to be done by us, and that is going to be an expensive endeavor, whenever we get around to putting that money into the enormous task. I am trying to start a deck garden of sorts, using pots and such, but let's face it, I am terrible at gardening, and I am completely jealous/envious (yes, I am a sinner) of everyone else that is good at such things. And for the record, it seems like everyone is good at gardening, except for me. And everyone these days is talking about how great their gardens are coming along. And yes, I know I am beginning every sentence with "and".
If we were rich enough, of course we'd just pay someone to haul everything here, plant it, and I'd happily sit there with my hose/watering can and rejoice at the beauty of it all. But that won't happen.
So, here I am looking at the pots I just put some seeds in, wondering if the things will ever even take.
Whenever we do get around to gardening, besides my weakness for growing things in general (most of my houseplants kick the bucket pretty quickly), I have to fight my major physical weakness- my bad back. These days, with a baby to lift, it doesn't take much to wind up with some intense and crippling back pain due to my scoliosis.
Then, what of the deer? They are here regularly and probably will eat most of what is grown.
All this to say, I have my weaknesses, and I often find myself wishing I was living in the 1800's, being best friends with Laura Ingalls Wilder. They just knew how to work the land. It was in their blood. We have lost so much in the world we live in today. I feel that loss within myself.
But at the end of the day... I am happy. Despite my weaknesses, despite that I long to better, that I long to simply be "more" than what I am, I am so content to be Brian's wife and Caleb's mom. I don't long for a big career or any of the accolades that go along with it. This home is my place, and even if my house doesn't win any interior decorating awards, and my garden is non-existent, this is where God put me, and it is where I belong.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Three Years Ago Today
It was a sunny and beautiful day, April 21st, three years ago today, that Brian asked me to be his wife.
I think that last year I forgot to acknowledge the date, because I was great with child, getting ready for the arrival of our Caleb-Bear. Two years ago, I wrote about it in this post here.
I'm not sure that many people acknowledge the date they got engaged. I can't help but think about it. Of course, the wedding is more important, but what would a wedding be without an engagement? I loved Brian's proposal. It wasn't big or over-the-top (I wouldn't like anything like that), and I thought it was so sweet and special.
When I reminded Brian of our engagement anniversary, he said, "Best decision I ever made!" I feel the same way.
Looking back, our long-distance relationship was hard at times. The short visits we had were just that- so short. But you know what? Even though I live with Brian every day, I sometimes miss him even more now. Sounds silly, right? There are weeks when he is really busy. He works two jobs as it is, but when there are extra things, like concerts, competitions, or school plays, etc., a week can go by where we hardly see each other, save for a few minutes before we turn in. I find that I miss him so much... more than one would think possible when we live together. Though we had a long-distance courtship which lasted well over a year, two if you count the pre-courtship and engagement, we did not yet know the emotional intimacy that marriage brings. Marriage means we are a part of each other. Our lives are intertwined inexplicably, and to be without one another is to be somehow less than whole.
I am so glad Brian found me worthy to be his wife and I am so grateful for the life we have together.
I think that last year I forgot to acknowledge the date, because I was great with child, getting ready for the arrival of our Caleb-Bear. Two years ago, I wrote about it in this post here.
I'm not sure that many people acknowledge the date they got engaged. I can't help but think about it. Of course, the wedding is more important, but what would a wedding be without an engagement? I loved Brian's proposal. It wasn't big or over-the-top (I wouldn't like anything like that), and I thought it was so sweet and special.
When I reminded Brian of our engagement anniversary, he said, "Best decision I ever made!" I feel the same way.
Looking back, our long-distance relationship was hard at times. The short visits we had were just that- so short. But you know what? Even though I live with Brian every day, I sometimes miss him even more now. Sounds silly, right? There are weeks when he is really busy. He works two jobs as it is, but when there are extra things, like concerts, competitions, or school plays, etc., a week can go by where we hardly see each other, save for a few minutes before we turn in. I find that I miss him so much... more than one would think possible when we live together. Though we had a long-distance courtship which lasted well over a year, two if you count the pre-courtship and engagement, we did not yet know the emotional intimacy that marriage brings. Marriage means we are a part of each other. Our lives are intertwined inexplicably, and to be without one another is to be somehow less than whole.
I am so glad Brian found me worthy to be his wife and I am so grateful for the life we have together.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Caleb: Eleven Months
Dear Caleb,
One year ago, we were getting ready for you. Your due date was three weeks away (though you wouldn't arrive for another four), and we were full of anticipation, jitters, excitement, and fears. There is a part of me that misses it- that feeling that we were about to meet our child and our lives would change forever. This time last year, we were installing the car seat, getting your room ready, and organizing all of your baby things. Now, we have an almost-toddler on our hands!
Your daddy and I can scarcely believe how much you've grown! You have become a very fast crawler; I can have a hard time keeping up when I try to chase after you on all fours myself! Of course, you do have an advantage because you can crawl around the smaller spaces much more easily!
You stood for the first time on April Fool's Day, and you are becoming quite adept at it- sometimes standing with only one hand holding onto something, and other times taking a step or two to change direction. I have tried holding your hands to see if you'll take a step, but you are not quite ready for that yet. I'm in no hurry, though. It will all happen in due time!
Seven teeth are now peeking out when you smile! You are getting better at mashing different foods, but I've been slow to push you too quickly. After you choked once or twice, I was in no hurry to witness such things again. Perhaps I've been a little too cautious, but what can I say... you are my first! You are still nursing, which I'm so happy about, since I had planned on nursing for at least one year. At this point, you seem to be in no rush to wean, so we'll take that as it comes. You still can't self-feed... I give you a cereal puff, and while you can get it between your fingers, you simply stare at it, almost as if you know where it goes, but you don't know how to get it there!
You absolutely love your daddy, and your daddy loves having a little boy! I often smile to myself when Daddy tries to "rough house" with you, as much as it can be done at your age. I see the little boy in him when he plays with you, and I can't help but love both of my men.
Without a doubt, you thrive on what is familiar, and you absolutely do not like strangers, which is rather unfortunate seeing as we do not live near family. I fear there may be many meltdowns in your future! When we are out in public, no matter where, you are comfortable in my arms, or in Daddy's arms, but if we should put you down, forget it! And when the nurse had to hold you for a moment at the doctor's office... yikes! There was no calming you down!
My darling Caleb-Bear, you will learn. The world is yours to explore, and we will be right there beside you.
One month from today, we'll be celebrating your first birthday! My goodness, it goes so fast. Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought you home?
I love you, my sweet son! I can hardly remember life without you in it!
Love,
Your mama
One year ago, we were getting ready for you. Your due date was three weeks away (though you wouldn't arrive for another four), and we were full of anticipation, jitters, excitement, and fears. There is a part of me that misses it- that feeling that we were about to meet our child and our lives would change forever. This time last year, we were installing the car seat, getting your room ready, and organizing all of your baby things. Now, we have an almost-toddler on our hands!
Your daddy and I can scarcely believe how much you've grown! You have become a very fast crawler; I can have a hard time keeping up when I try to chase after you on all fours myself! Of course, you do have an advantage because you can crawl around the smaller spaces much more easily!
You stood for the first time on April Fool's Day, and you are becoming quite adept at it- sometimes standing with only one hand holding onto something, and other times taking a step or two to change direction. I have tried holding your hands to see if you'll take a step, but you are not quite ready for that yet. I'm in no hurry, though. It will all happen in due time!
Seven teeth are now peeking out when you smile! You are getting better at mashing different foods, but I've been slow to push you too quickly. After you choked once or twice, I was in no hurry to witness such things again. Perhaps I've been a little too cautious, but what can I say... you are my first! You are still nursing, which I'm so happy about, since I had planned on nursing for at least one year. At this point, you seem to be in no rush to wean, so we'll take that as it comes. You still can't self-feed... I give you a cereal puff, and while you can get it between your fingers, you simply stare at it, almost as if you know where it goes, but you don't know how to get it there!
You absolutely love your daddy, and your daddy loves having a little boy! I often smile to myself when Daddy tries to "rough house" with you, as much as it can be done at your age. I see the little boy in him when he plays with you, and I can't help but love both of my men.
Without a doubt, you thrive on what is familiar, and you absolutely do not like strangers, which is rather unfortunate seeing as we do not live near family. I fear there may be many meltdowns in your future! When we are out in public, no matter where, you are comfortable in my arms, or in Daddy's arms, but if we should put you down, forget it! And when the nurse had to hold you for a moment at the doctor's office... yikes! There was no calming you down!
My darling Caleb-Bear, you will learn. The world is yours to explore, and we will be right there beside you.
One month from today, we'll be celebrating your first birthday! My goodness, it goes so fast. Wasn't it just yesterday that we brought you home?
I love you, my sweet son! I can hardly remember life without you in it!
Love,
Your mama
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Look Who's Standing And Other Ramblings
So I'm late in posting this (please blame it on sickness and other calamities), since Caleb first pulled himself to a stand one week ago. For the record, this momentous event occurred on April Fool's Day, but it was no joke!
It was late afternoon, and I had Caleb in the pack 'n play while I was getting the trash together for pickup, and I had my back to him. Brian had just come home, and literally, just up the stairs, and I turned around and Caleb was standing. I exclaimed about it immediately, and Brian and I just stood and watched him, shouting things like "Wow!", "What a big boy!" and the like, and Caleb just looked at us with an expression that clearly said, "What's the big deal?"
Since that moment, he's been going to town with standing. The worst, however, is in the crib, where, now that he is standing, he is having an even harder time getting settled for naps. Yikes. I fear we will never be done with "cry-it-out". Before he was standing, I was having success with getting him down, twice a day, and his naps were starting to get longer. Then he started standing, and forget about it. All that success has vanished.
To say that Caleb's poor naps have left me utterly and totally weary is an understatement. I have tried, folks. I have tried and tried and tried. I have done cry-it-out. I have stayed home more deliberately and avoided long car trips so I could work hard on getting him straightened out. His naps were getting better. They really were. I thought our problems were just about over... but then they took a turn for the worst. It is always the same... one step forward, and two back.
I guess I just have to bide my time until he's four years old and is done with naps for good. Yikes. That doesn't sound very promising.
Needless to say, I've been tired and weary lately. We've all been sick in our house, my back is killing me again, and Brian ran into a deer yesterday with my old faithful '93 Geo Prism. Don't get me wrong- I am abundantly grateful that Brian is okay, but it is more money into that old car that we don't really want to spend.
If this doesn't sound like the most upbeat post, well, I really can't apologize. I've never been one to promote something I'm not. With me, you'll always get the truth. Life is hard. This blog is an outlet for me, and a journal of both the ups and downs. It is not, nor never will be, a portrayal of only the best things in life, because that is only one side. Some days, I feel like a failure as a mom, and when my son can't or won't sleep... I feel like the worst. Today is definitely one of those days.
That being said, and so as I don't make this post too much of a downer, I do know that the sun will shine again. Bad days come and go, but so do the good. Next week, Brian will be on Spring Break, and boy, do we need it. We have plenty of cleaning projects planned, as well as some important appointments. In the midst of the work we want to accomplish, we also definitely need some family time. Brian works SO HARD and we all need to be a family next week... the three of us. Perhaps we will finally make the long-awaited, first trip to the park with our boy. (Not counting last summer when all we did was push him around in the stroller.) It is now time for the swing! I can't wait!
It was late afternoon, and I had Caleb in the pack 'n play while I was getting the trash together for pickup, and I had my back to him. Brian had just come home, and literally, just up the stairs, and I turned around and Caleb was standing. I exclaimed about it immediately, and Brian and I just stood and watched him, shouting things like "Wow!", "What a big boy!" and the like, and Caleb just looked at us with an expression that clearly said, "What's the big deal?"
Since that moment, he's been going to town with standing. The worst, however, is in the crib, where, now that he is standing, he is having an even harder time getting settled for naps. Yikes. I fear we will never be done with "cry-it-out". Before he was standing, I was having success with getting him down, twice a day, and his naps were starting to get longer. Then he started standing, and forget about it. All that success has vanished.
To say that Caleb's poor naps have left me utterly and totally weary is an understatement. I have tried, folks. I have tried and tried and tried. I have done cry-it-out. I have stayed home more deliberately and avoided long car trips so I could work hard on getting him straightened out. His naps were getting better. They really were. I thought our problems were just about over... but then they took a turn for the worst. It is always the same... one step forward, and two back.
I guess I just have to bide my time until he's four years old and is done with naps for good. Yikes. That doesn't sound very promising.
Needless to say, I've been tired and weary lately. We've all been sick in our house, my back is killing me again, and Brian ran into a deer yesterday with my old faithful '93 Geo Prism. Don't get me wrong- I am abundantly grateful that Brian is okay, but it is more money into that old car that we don't really want to spend.
If this doesn't sound like the most upbeat post, well, I really can't apologize. I've never been one to promote something I'm not. With me, you'll always get the truth. Life is hard. This blog is an outlet for me, and a journal of both the ups and downs. It is not, nor never will be, a portrayal of only the best things in life, because that is only one side. Some days, I feel like a failure as a mom, and when my son can't or won't sleep... I feel like the worst. Today is definitely one of those days.
That being said, and so as I don't make this post too much of a downer, I do know that the sun will shine again. Bad days come and go, but so do the good. Next week, Brian will be on Spring Break, and boy, do we need it. We have plenty of cleaning projects planned, as well as some important appointments. In the midst of the work we want to accomplish, we also definitely need some family time. Brian works SO HARD and we all need to be a family next week... the three of us. Perhaps we will finally make the long-awaited, first trip to the park with our boy. (Not counting last summer when all we did was push him around in the stroller.) It is now time for the swing! I can't wait!
Caleb's First Stand
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