A Different Kind of Loneliness

For me, this post has been brewing in my mind for a few weeks, without my mind being fully aware of it, until this morning.  It's not that any one thing happened to make me want to write it, but the overwhelming need was there, to get the words out on paper (or on a blank screen).  For me, it is a release of sorts.

Perhaps I should warn you that I'm not overly concerned with how people view me.  I grew a thick skin long ago.  I care if you perceive me as rude or ungodly or nasty or mean, because if I did something to deserve those titles, then I need to do something about it.  But if someone sees me as weak or emotional or wimpy or pathetic, I guess I don't really worry about it all that much.

I have been struggling with a deep loneliness that I have never before felt in my life.  I've struggled with loneliness before- when I went away to college and when I taught in Prague for a year. However, each of those things was temporary.  I settled in at college and made friends, and family was only an hour and forty minutes away, so I could go home once a month.  My year in Prague was much harder, and it took longer to get properly situated, but eventually I did.  Plus, the knowledge that it was only for a year certainly helped ease any struggles.

My first year here in PA was spent in our tiny apartment as a newlywed.  My second found me here in our house.  I spent that year getting settled and also joyously awaiting the arrival of our Caleb. Of course, I missed my family, but it wasn't a crippling kind of loneliness.

It's different now.  I struggle with it much more so than ever before.

I never knew that being a stay-at-home mom could be so hard.  (Now, let me make this clear:  I have no regrets.  I want to be a stay-at-home mom.  I don't want daycare raising my son.)  BUT- it is a big change than the world I used to know.  I was a working woman, out every day as I mingled with my coworkers and my students.  I lived in an area where there was just much more to do and more places to go.  Not to mention that my family and friends were there.

It can be difficult to get out much at all these days, except briefly, due to maintaining the nap schedule, and since we live the woods, there just isn't very much to do in these parts.  Sometimes when we make plans to go out on the weekend as a family, Brian can be frustrated by the limited times we can get out to due naps.  I'm always the one trying to stick to the normal routine, and I remind him that I don't like it either.  It is very constricting and limiting to maintain such a schedule, especially for us as things are so far away.  But, it has to be done.  (For the record, I know a lot about baby sleep.  It is a known fact that car naps are not very restorative and should only be used sparingly.  Also, Caleb actually sleeps for a much shorter duration in the car.  He wakes up after half an hour.)

Then comes the awareness some days, like a ton of bricks, as if I didn't know it before- I am never going home again.  I don't mean that I'll never visit, but I'll never dwell there again, to see my family on a regular basis as they see one another.  This sometimes makes me gasp for breath as the realization washes over me anew.  I am very close to my mom and sister, and I struggle with the fact that I'm the outsider now.  Caleb doesn't get to grow up with any cousins, on either side of the family.  That thought brings me pain, too.

We haven't traveled since December.  In the early months, it wasn't as difficult, because babies are much more flexible then.  They don't have much awareness of their surroundings and routines are not nearly as important.  (Though, Caleb did have a hard time at my parents' house last December, for whatever reason.)

Now, every time I think about traveling for Thanksgiving, I know it will probably be more headache than pleasure.  I keep putting off the decision.  We're due to have Thanksgiving with my family since we flip-flop holidays every year, and I just don't know what to do.  Caleb is one that thrives on routine and the predictability of it.  And I know, without a doubt, that putting him down in a place other than his crib to sleep at night, to leave him in a strange room, and expect him to fall asleep on his own is asking way too much.  Only one word comes to mind when I ponder such things: DISASTER.  (And no, he doesn't fall asleep to rocking.  He does to nursing, only when he is tired enough, but once he does, you can't put him down again without waking him up.)

These things all contribute to the overwhelming loneliness I tend to feel these days.  Frustration that it is always us that has to travel during the holidays because we don't live near family.  Sadness because Brian hasn't been home since last November and because I haven't seen my sister and brother and all my nieces and nephews since December.

So, this is where you come in and say, "Get a hold of yourself!  Enough self-pity!"  And you'd be quite right.  I have SO MUCH for which I am thankful.  I truly do!  But, I can't help but feeling lonely, as much as I do try.

Sometimes it feels good to be honest with myself and get the words out.  Forgive me for pouring out my heart in such a way.  It will get easier, over time, I know, and I will be patient for that day.

Thanks for reading.

The Great Naptime Shift

The time has come, folks.

I can't avoid it any longer.

I have begun the work of transitioning Caleb to one nap.  (Cue audience gasping, sighing, and perhaps, some loud crying.)

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, then you'd know that baby sleep has not been the easiest part of parenthood for me.  Believe me, every step of the way I have always compared notes with my sister, mother of four, and none of her kids, even her most difficult (Lindsey), was as difficult as Caleb.  (And for some odd reason, Lindsey, out of all of her kids, loves Caleb the most, I think.  Perhaps they are kindred spirits.)

For a while, Caleb had been solidly taking two naps a day, going down without a fuss, and sleeping a good length of time.  When Brian went back to work, the difficulties began, and I at first attributed it to missing Daddy.  (Perhaps that was indeed a part of it.)

He started to take shorter morning naps, or he'd have trouble settling, and take a half hour of sitting in the crib before he'd fall asleep.  Then, if he slept later than usual due to having trouble getting to sleep, I'd be in hot water for the second nap... it's time getting later and later, closer to his dinner time.

Some days were good, which made me think we hit a bump in the road and got past it, but then it started up again.

I had a few rough days when I was trying to keep him up until 11:30, but he just couldn't make it, and inevitably he fell asleep nursing, totally exhausted.  How in the world do mothers do this, I wondered?

I began researching the nap transition, and I found some helpful information.  It said to settle on a nap time to start with, and keep pushing it back fifteen minutes every few days, so that they can ease into staying up longer.  In the meantime, an earlier bedtime might be needed, because there would be a large gap between the nap and bedtime.  Eventually, you'll arrive at the new nap time, and the bedtime can be pushed back once again.

So I tried it today.  My goal was to get him down at 10:30, because from what I've seen, he can make it at least that far.  It was tricky because we had to go grocery shopping.  Normally we go after his first nap, but today we went early, so we'd be home in time to wind him down to nap at 10:30.  The stinker began falling asleep on the car ride home (it is only a ten minute ride), and I kept trying to pat him from the front seat.  He managed to sneak in a minute or two of a nap, despite my best efforts.

I settled him in the crib at 10:25, and he fussed on and off until 10:45, and then he conked out.  He slept until 12:09.  From what I've read, it takes them some time before they start to sleep for two-and-a-half to three hours.

For tonight, we'll put him down to bed much earlier, perhaps 6 as opposed to 7, since he wouldn't be able to take another nap at this point.

As for me, it is hard to know when I'm going out!  I have a doctor appointment scheduled for next week that I may have to cancel altogether since this is such unknown territory.  I am looking forward to the day when we are settled once again with a routine I can count on, so I know what to expect and how to plan my day, with Caleb getting the proper rest that he needs.

Lord, please help us through this!

Finding a Balance

I spent the greater part of the past few days on the internet.  I wasn't shopping for shoes, wasting time on Facebook (we don't have Facebook), or drooling over stuff for my home that I can't afford.

I stumbled upon one Christian homemaker's blog after another- stay-at-home moms, like me, except they have been at it for longer.  Most of those women write those blogs to be an encouragement of sorts.  They give how-to's in all manner of topics.  Some blog posts made me jealous.  Their homes looked so much better than mine.  They seemed to have a secret that I didn't have.  Though I'm not at that point yet, they had homeschooling ideas that seemed far and above what I would ever come up with when that time comes for Caleb and me.

The posts were very often titled with something catchy, like "Five Secrets to a Happy Home," and "Three Things I Leave On My Counters and Three Things I Don't".  (I still am wondering how she only keeps three things on her counters.  Congratulations to you if you have infinite cabinet space to store everything away and out-of-sight.  I do not.)

I was caught up, most of all, in these many mothers who are going all-natural, whether it comes to food, cleaning products for the home, bath and body cleaning products, natural, herbal medicines, etc., etc., etc.

I started that journey some time ago- the journey to become more natural and rid my home of the toxic junk that is everywhere.  I stopped buying store-bought cleaners, and largely use baking soda and vinegar to do the majority of my cleaning.  Before I started cloth diapering, I dabbled with making my own laundry detergent.  I have even made my own deodorant, though lately I have been buying chemical-free deodorant online.  I have been ridding our home of the chemically-loaded shampoos and soaps, and have started relying on castille soaps instead.  As for food, well, I try!  I do try to buy organic as much possible, but unfortunately, we are not rolling in money, and sometimes I just can't swing it at the store.  Our store is expensive anyway, so that makes it doubly hard.

I have been trying to switch to herbal tea concoctions when a cold starts brewing, and Brian's recent cold had a very short duration due to the teas that I brewed for him constantly.  I was able to chase away the cold I started coming down with myself by using the same teas.

However, as I was reading these blogs, I saw that there was SO MUCH I am not doing.  And I just got so discouraged and OVERWHELMED.  I need to start stocking up on essential oils.  I need to make my own elderberry syrup.  At some point when we become filthy rich, we need to buy a $300 water filtration system to remove the chemicals from our water, because the Brita just doesn't do the job.

I need to start throwing away plastic containers and purchase glass instead.  And the air we breathe?  That's toxic, too, even in our own homes.  But if I purchase about ten different kinds of plants, I can make the air of better quality.

Oh, and don't light any candles that aren't made of beeswax.  They are all toxic.  Bye, bye Yankee Candle.

Oh, and don't eat grains at all.  They are no good for you.  Yes, that means bread, too.  (Didn't Jesus say "I am the bread of life?  If it is so bad for us, why didn't He have used another metaphor, perhaps, "I am the apple of life?")

All this to say, I very quickly suffered from information overload, so discouraged, thinking that if Brian or Caleb ever get a serious disease, it is all my fault, because I am the keeper of this home.

I poured my heart out before the Lord, trying to calm my over-panicked state of mind.  So many changes!  So many things to fix!  All these things require money above and beyond the normal grocery bill.  I asked Him to help me calm down, and take ONE THING AT A TIME, to give me wisdom, to proceed slowly, to not let it consume my entire being every second of the day.

For now, I think I need to take a bit of a break from all these homemaking blogs.  I find the information useful, especially in regards to natural medicines, which is an area I know very little about, but I need to back off.  Does it matter what someone else keeps on their counters?  My house is not worthy to be posted in Better Homes & Gardens magazine.  But it's MINE.  Sure, there are things I'd like to change.  There's clutter from time to time.  My counters certainly have more than three things on them.  But we have a roof over our three heads; we are warm and safe and dry.

I was tormented for at least three days straight, feeling like the absolute worst homemaker.  After all, I was a working woman for so long, and it takes time to fully develop my homemaking wings.  Perhaps I'm not where I want to be yet, but in time, I pray I will thrive in this role, without being overwhelmed on a day-to-day basis.

And as far as blogs go, I'm not looking to turn this one into a business, as many of these stay-at-home moms do.  I write, primarily, for me!  (Selfish, I know!)  Besides Brian, I think his parents read this blog, and Doug and Sarah.  That's probably it.  (And that's okay with me!)

I will continue to strive to make my home a healthier place, but I also want to find a balance.  After all, God already knows the number of our days.  Trusting in Him is the best thing I can do as a homemaker.  It's the best thing I can do for my husband and for my Caleb!

Pumpkin Picking

Since Brian was off today, and being that he works many Saturdays and we don't normally get the chance to do something fun, we decided to seize the moment and take Caleb to the pumpkin patch.

Orchestrating this venture was a bit hectic, as Monday is my regular grocery shopping day, so we decided to do the shopping very early, before Caleb's first nap.  As I predicted, Caleb wouldn't sleep when we got home, because it was not his usual routine to go out before his first nap.  (If you change one thing in Caleb's normal routine, this may result in a failure to sleep at nap time.  Now you know why I am pulling all of my hair out.)  Brian also had to bring in Pocono for an echocardiogram to find out what is going on with Pocono's heart.

After the shopping was done, and after Pocono was left at the vet's, and after Caleb didn't take his first nap, we finally ventured out.  It was a bit of a drive as it was over in Jersey, but the farm didn't disappoint.  We paid for a hay ride which brought us to the pumpkin patch, and it was the first hay ride for both Caleb and me.  (No, I had never been on a hay ride.  Perhaps they had them back home, but if they did, I never knew about them.)  I let Brian hold Caleb throughout the ride, thinking that if the tractor toppled over, better to be in Brian's stronger arms than mine.  At some points, I also found myself leaning on Brian for support.  Those non-existent walls of the open hay ride left me a bit jittery, I'll admit.

When we arrived at the pumpkin patch, we put Caleb down, and he fussed for the first moment, but then, just as quickly, he was off!  He was immediately excited, trying to grab at and pick up the pumpkins, and he was able to pick up some good sized ones!  He toppled over and I righted him, but before I could catch him, he toppled over again, this time planting his face right into the stem of a pumpkin.  He cried and clung to me for a bit, but then, he shook it off and was ready for more.  Our boy ran as fast as those legs could take him, and it was a lot of falling, and for us, chasing, but it was a true joy to watch him have so much fun!

There was a fifteen-month old girl there, and Caleb kept trying to walk over to her, staring at her all the while.  It was so cute!  When the driver came back for us and Brian picked up Caleb, he fussed because he didn't want to go!  It was so neat to see him have a new adventure.

I wish I could have gotten some better photos, but it was so hard to take them because he wouldn't stay still.  We were spending a better part of the time trying to keep up with him, or grabbing onto his hood to keep him from falling!  I'm not sure how those little legs can move so fast, but they do!

Brian's Birthday

I am woefully late in posting this, but that is due to the fact that I've struggled to find the time to sit at the computer, upload pictures, and write a post.  Caleb's nap time sleep has gone haywire, and we both have been startling to feel a little worse for the wear, no doubt getting a bit of Brian's cold that he battled last week.

Thankfully, Brian's birthday fell on a day when he didn't have to work at night, unlike last year, so we could at least enjoy some cake and he could open his presents.  I got him some clothes (as I always do- I've got to keep my man lookin' good!), new work gloves, and a new movie he wanted to see.  I made him his usual banana cake with banana frosting, and oh, my, it was good!

Brian's parents came down to celebrate on Saturday, and it was good to see them.  They gave Brian a weed eater, which was a much-needed gift, let me tell you.  (It looks like a jungle out there on a lawn.)

Caleb got to go for a ride on his grandpa's shoulders, which are higher than Brian's, so the view was a bit different for a change.

It was a fun time celebrating, now if only we weren't battling the start of colds as well as nap time!  Baby sleep and I remain enemies.  If we ever have another, I hope and pray that that one is an easy one to put to sleep!