Tuesday, December 29, 2015

It Sure Hasn't Been Dull Around Here... a Reflective Post

Finally, finally.  At last, I have a few minutes to sit down and reflect.  Pen and paper (or keys and screen in this case), words and sentences, beckon me.  The written word is like an old friend.  It listens, quietly.  I am able to pour out my heart all I want, and it does not interrupt.  It does not ask questions.  It does not contradict or give opinions.  It simply slips its arm around my shoulders and listens.

I love this little blog.  It is my quiet little space on the internet.  I do not seek many followers.  It is here for our family, but, if I am being honest, it is mostly for myself.  You can see my posts have been dwindling the latter part of this year.  As Silas has grown, so has his need for attention, and just taking care of things in the kitchen is difficult enough.  Never mind sitting down to write on my blog!

Brian always says I work too hard and I need to relax.  Perhaps he is right, but as a mother and a homemaker, I do not see what putting my feet up and lounging on the couch will accomplish.  I work hard, and yet, so many things go undone.  The boys come first; the dust does not.  I work hard on the things that MUST be done.  Cooking, meal planning, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, and laundry are the main chores I focus on (yes, ironing and vacuuming, too).  Honestly, I haven't dusted in months. Probably since before Silas was born.  I used to dust every week when I was a little girl, but that chore has moved to the back burner as a mom.

So, here I am, sneaking in a few minutes at the end of the day, to pour out my heart.

For the past five years, every year has had a monumental event. Brian and I were engaged and married in 2011.  In 2012, we bought our house, and a mere two weeks or so later, I was pregnant. Caleb was born in 2013, and then I became pregnant again in 2014.  And of course, our darling Silas came four months ago.  (If that weren't enough, I even had a postpartum seizure, too.)

It has been a whirlwind, for sure.

I wouldn't change any of it.  When I look into the faces of my boys, sometimes I can't believe I am their mother.  I was single for so long, it seemed, and I wondered when I was teaching at my old school if I'd ever get married.  I remember those days, and I wonder what that Courtney then would think if she could see this Courtney now.  In some ways, we are two different people.

We have no big plans for 2016.  More than likely, we will be breaking the trend that has endured for five years.  Whether or not we will have another child is something only God knows.  Brian and I do wonder about it and talk about it, and for sure and for certain, if I could sneak a peek into the future, much like reading the end of the novel when I am only halfway through, I would.  However, even if we were going to deliberately try for another (which, more than likely, we won't), we would not try so soon.  We are content to have only two, yet something beckons us to be open should God have other plans.

So for now, we will keep on keeping on.  We look forward to all the firsts that will come with Silas: crawling, standing, first steps, first words.  We will watch as Caleb continues to grow and thrive as the active little boy he is.  If I were to change anything at all, I would only change myself, and it is my heart's cry that I become more like Him, and that the sinful, selfish Courtney would fade more and more each day.

May God mold me and shape me, so that I can reflect more of His goodness and grace.  My goal in 2016 is not to exercise or lose weight, or eat more healthfully (although, that is something I am always aiming to do).  My goal is to be a better wife to my darling husband and a better mother to my precious boys.

If I can do that, it will be another monumental year, indeed.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Great Minds Think Alike/And Then There Were Four


When I got my sister's Christmas card in the mail, I had already ordered mine, but did not yet have them.  After I oohed and aahed over her pictures, I kept thinking something seemed vaguely familiar about her card.  Then I realized, I had ordered the very same!

What are the odds?  Well, we are sisters, after all!  I wonder what all of our family members thought when they received the matching cards from both of us!


It gives me such great pleasure to see four stockings hanging this year.  The year that Caleb came, I ordered stockings for the three of us.  (The first two years of marriage, I had gotten some cheapy ones, because I knew I'd get nice stockings once we had a child.)  At first, it didn't look like I was going to be able to get a matching stocking for Silas this year, but thank goodness, it became available.  Brian's sister bought us three snowflake stocking holders two years ago, and last year when I became pregnant, I asked her if she could possibly find another for the baby on the way. And she did!  After she gave it to me, I put it up, though empty, because I was dreaming of the tiny little baby in my belly.

Now, here he is, and we are ecstatic to celebrate Silas's first Christmas, and our first Christmas as a family of four!  It just gets better and better!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Silas: Four Months

Dear Silas,

I am not sure how you are four months old already.  Even though you are my second child, I still can't believe how fast it goes.

You are getting so big, and this is no exaggeration.  In your weight and length you are in the 97th and 99th percentiles.  You clearly look several months older than you are.  I'm not sure how much longer you will be in six month clothes.  I have already washed Caleb's old nine month clothes, so they are ready to go when you will need them.  A few of your six month things are already getting tight!

You are grabbing at things more and more.  Usually when we are done nursing, I have to disentangle myself from you.  Your hands are tightly wrapped around me, my clothes, my hair, etc.  You are starting to raise your head more and more and lift yourself with your arms, and though you have not rolled over yet, it looks like it is soon coming.  (I think the delay here is due to the fact that you hate being on the floor too long).

Your sleep is still far from where we need it to be.  I'm not sure why, because I have carefully avoided the mistakes I made with your brother, yet here we are.  I make sure to put you down at night awake, and you get to sleep on your own.  However, you are still having too many awakenings during the night.  Whenever we see improvement, it is always one step forward, and two back.  The other night, you had a great night with one five-hour stretch, then we were back to two-hour stretches, even one-and-a-half.  Just this morning at 4 o'clock, we let you cry it out for an hour, and boy, it was ugly.  People have asked why we don't put you in your brother's room.  We don't need two children up in the middle of the night.  One is enough.  (And frankly, your brother has his own issues.)

Naps are touch and go.  Again, every time we make progress, we go backwards later.  I am still as sleep-deprived as I was when you were a newborn!  It hasn't gotten too much better, unfortunately.

We took you to the doctor last week, and they gave you a glowing report.  They couldn't get enough of you!  The doctor thinks a tooth might be coming soon, and I have to agree.  I have started giving you teething tablets, and perhaps this is contributing to some of your fussiness.

Despite all these growing pains, you bring us so much joy.  Your smiles are heavenly!  You give me the best grins, and I never tire of them.  Holding you cheek to cheek is just about one of my favorite things in the whole world.

We are excited to celebrate Christmas this year with our two boys!  I ordered your stocking to match the rest of us, and we are all set to go.  Last year, we were dreaming of you at the very beginning of my pregnancy.  Now, here you are.  You are present enough for me.

I love you, my darling boy!

Love,
Your mama

Here he is in an old outfit of Caleb's:











Tuesday, November 17, 2015

A Little Bit of Honesty

This post, perhaps, is more for myself than for anyone else.  For me, writing is a sweet release, a reprieve for just a few moments from the constant needs of two children, and a quiet friend who listens.

Let me just say that I don't worry what people think about me.  I used to be extremely sensitive when I was a little girl, but I toughened up over the years.  I am FAR harder on myself than anyone else probably would be.

So here is my confession:  I have postpartum depression.

It is a tough thing to admit, being that I am a Christian.  I shouldn't be depressed, should I?  I have the Lord, and the promise of eternal life.  I have so many things to be grateful for:  my husband, my two boys, my home, my family, etc., etc., etc.

However, while I don't understand everything about postpartum depression, I do know that it is largely hormonal.  Beyond that, for me, it has been a tough shift from going from one child to two.  It is very hard to stay on top of these two and their incessant needs.  Sometimes I wonder when mommy ever gets to do something for herself.  Other times, I look in the mirror and I wonder where in the world Courtney went.

I am insanely overwhelmed these days, and I am overly anxious.  All housework feels insurmountable and I feel like I always need to be working, trying to chip away and get the things done that need to get done.  (This is a symptom of postpartum depression.)

Silas wakes up at night more than necessary, and the loss of sleep can make me crazy. What happens is that babies develop a night waking habit, and they don't know how to return to sleep on their own. This is especially true for breastfed babies.  This happened with Caleb, and it is happening again now.  In time, I know I can fix it, but for various reasons, it is hard right now.

It is also very hard getting Silas to take a nap.  It takes a lot of effort on my part, which also isn't easy when I have a toddler who needs attention.

I know I've said this before and I'll say it again, it is very lonely living away from family.  There's no one to call or to have come over and just give me a break.  People might tell me that I can call them, but the truth is, I would only want family over in my house.  It is hard to let any old person see you at your worst.  Having someone over for a cup of tea is really impossible for me right now.

Lastly, as I am writing this, both boys are crying in their cribs.  I spent quite a bit of time trying to get Silas down, only to have him in hysterics.  Caleb woke up after an hour of sleep and began to wail, which is unusual, but starting to happen more lately.

When can mommy get the chance to cry, I wonder?  I would sorely love to do so.

If you read this, I could use your prayers.  Know that I am grateful for my blessings, but it is a difficult road right now.

P.S.  I wrote this post because I feel that people are way too fake.  With me, you will ALWAYS get the truth.  I won't pretend to be something I'm not.  I am blessed by others who are honest and real.  I LOVE my boys, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  I don't regret becoming a mother, and I know this is a temporary thing.  Right now, though, it is a "Goliath" in my life.  Perhaps the Lord will send a David to knock him down for me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Silas: Three Months

Dear Silas,

How are you already three months old, my dear boy?  The time is moving so quickly.  It was almost a year ago we found out you were on your way.  On Thanksgiving, to be exact, I took a pregnancy test in the early morning, confirming what I already believed to be true.  We happily called the rest of the family and shared the news.  Even though we were snowed in, I felt such thankfulness that day, knowing that we would soon be a family of four.

Motherhood is no joke.  It is not for the faint of heart.  It is the hardest job I have ever had, and I've had quite a few difficult jobs.  But I would not trade it.  Nor would I trade you or your brother for the world.

In the midst of the craziness, of being pulled in several directions at once, there are moments of such deep and lasting satisfaction.  Last Wednesday, you laughed for the first time, and I am certain every angel in heaven stopped the all-important work he was doing to have a listen in, for it was more beautiful than the voices of heavenly angels singing.  I hope I never forget that melodic sound!

You are my own personal teddy bear, and I love to snuggle you.  You loved to be held, and I often get protests when I have to put you down.  I don't like it either, but I only have two arms!

I was hoping to have an easy sleeper after Caleb, but it is not to be.  You hate going down for naps and I have much ado trying to get you to sleep.  At night, you continue to wake me up.  My little love, we will be doing cry-it-out, but I am waiting a bit longer until I am more sure you are not waking up due to hunger.  You are getting closer to that time, but I would rather err on the side of caution.  I certainly don't want to deprive you of food if you need it!

You have outgrown your three-month clothes already, and I started you on six months!  You are growing so fast.  Don't grow too fast, my boy.  Mama's arms don't want to let you go just yet.

Please know that know matter the day I've had, no matter how crazy it has been, no matter how stressed I might be, I love you so much.  That will never change.  Your smiles, your looks of wide-eyed wonder, your obvious interest in my voice and my smiles- those things make me smile, my darling boy.  Stay as sweet as you are now- forever.

I love you.

Love,
Your mama






Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Another New Family Member

Before I get to the real topic of this post, I spoke too soon yesterday.  I said that Silas was doing fairly well in the bassinet... I think he heard me, because he decided that he wasn't having it again. I got him to nap there this morning, but since then, no go.  I do believe in cry-it-out, but I won't overdo it, yet.  Plus, at five naps a day, crying it out for twenty minutes or more each time is TOO much for this mama's heart.  Bit by bit, little by little, we'll get there.

I wanted to share my sister's news.  She's expecting her fifth child.

This was completely unexpected.  She gave away all her baby things after having four children. She and her husband believed they were done.  In fact, they only ever tried to have three children. Of course, the twins were a surprise, so there were four.  This was an "oops!" pregnancy, and it has taken her time to adjust and sort of embrace the idea once again.

So, back to her go the three big bags of maternity clothes she gave me!  I have been packing things up, getting ready to send them back to her, since my parents are visiting this weekend and can handle the exchange.

I told her not to give them away, because Brian and I are not yet certain we are done.  Not certain, folks.  Not trying, not preventing.  In any case, it's neither here nor there only two months postpartum.

The beauty of it is that we were pregnant at the same time, for a brief time.  Yet, she didn't tell me until the morning after Silas was born.  I scolded her for not telling me sooner, but she didn't want to rain on my parade, so to speak.  I told her I'm not so self-absorbed that I can't share her news!  I was shocked, stunned, and I had thought that sleep-deprivation from giving birth the night before caused me to hallucinate the news.  But it is true.

She's due in March, and this will be the closest age gap between one of my children and any cousin.  Silas and her little one will be only seven months apart.

I feel bad, though, that I have always reaped the benefits of having a sister go before me and pass on so many baby things, and since I am still in baby mode, there isn't much I can give her.  Many of the things I have we are the first owners of, such as car seats, but many of the big items that are hard to transfer were originally hers.  Bassinet, toddler bed, etc.  I feel bad that they have to start out once again, but I know God is already blessing them with a few used freebies.

For my parents, this is their eighth grandchild!  Christmas is getting expensive in our family...

I just wish we lived closer so we could share our lives more and more.  There is only so much you can do over the phone.

I look forward to being an aunt once again!

Side note:  Brian has always been saying to me that he didn't think they were finished.  I told him he was crazy.  Looks like he was right!

Monday, October 19, 2015

Tummy Time Help (and Other Random Ramblings)


Tummy time appears to be one of the worst forms of torture to inflict upon your helpless infant.  It is all for the good, of course, for strengthening those neck muscles in the hopes of gaining a bit of independence.  But to put your baby on the floor and basically watch them eat the carpet is not a fun experience.

However, when your big brother joins you, it isn't so bad, is it?  As soon as I lay Silas down, Caleb joins him.  It is fun to see, and brings joy to this mama's heart.  Caleb seems to really love his little brother.

This doesn't mean, however, that he has never hit him.  He has hit him in the head with his hand, fist, and objects several times.  I don't think it is out of jealousy, but rather to make me mad/get a reaction out of me, because he knows I will react.  He's a stinker, this one.  For the most part, though, he gives his brother kisses and lots of love.

I have been working hard on getting Silas established with taking his naps solely in the bassinet.  I had a couple of rough days last week when he was so fussy he could not sleep any which way.  Not in the bassinet, in the swing, nursing, rocking, holding, whatever.  After that, I became more determined to get him to sleep in his bassinet.  After all, he is getting older, and he is becoming more aware of noises.  And let's face it, Caleb doesn't exactly tiptoe around here if Silas is sleeping in the living room.

I began putting him down in the bassinet, and only in the bassinet, except for when we have to go out and he naturally falls asleep in the car.  (I only go out on weekends because I'm not supposed to be driving yet, since the seizure.)

Babies can only handle being awake for two hours at a time, so after he wakes up, he's down again between one and two hours, depending on his drowsy signs.  I lay him down and yes, he cries.  And no, I don't like it.  The cry-it-out vs. no-cry theories are hotly debated.  The no-cry people basically think the cry-it-out types are the most inhumane creatures on the planet.  I tried the no-cry method with Caleb, and the poor baby was so overtired from lack of sleep.  The time came when it was hard to get him to sleep with rocking and what have you, and he didn't know how to get to sleep on his own.  I had to do cry-it-out so he could learn this lifelong skill.  I decided to start with Silas earlier so we can avoid the drama that we had to endure with Caleb... Silas is doing fairly well.  If he is in absolutely hysterics, I will try something else or try again later.  However, letting him cry for a little bit and then falling asleep and getting uninterrupted sleep away from sound seems to be the best thing right now.  He is sleeping better on his own then he does in the swing, for example, where Caleb's loud outbursts cause him to jump over and over again.  Right now, Silas is having about five naps a day in the bassinet.  He is still too little for a schedule- I just go by him and when he last wakes up as well as drowsy signs.  A schedule will develop later, when his brain develops and matures.

I have read A LOT about baby sleep.  And yet, people gave me so much UNSOLICITED advice with Caleb.  I got picked on, so to speak, for working my day around Caleb's naps.  That, folks, is what you are SUPPOSED to do.  Sleep for a baby/toddler is as important as eating.  That is not to say that you cannot ever take a trip somewhere and disrupt the schedule, but on a daily basis, mama needs to make every effort to make her baby's naps a priority.  Caleb is now an excellent sleeper because I FOUGHT HARD to make him that way.  It did not just happen on its own.  For all the people who looked at me askew, I paid them no mind and went on doing what I knew was right.

Silas is sleeping reasonably well overnight, with usually three awakenings, maybe two.  For now, since he is only two months old, I still feed him when he wakes up.  In probably no more than two months, if he keeps waking up, I will solicit Brian's help in comforting him and putting him back down without food.  By four months or so, maybe five, he should be able to sleep without as many feedings.  We will need to train him to not expect those feedings, and that is where I will need Brian. If I pick up him, of course he is going to root and expect milk.  Again, I did not do this with Caleb, and I was exhausted for months on end.  The truth is, they don't NEED milk overnight (at a certain point), but have come to expect it.

Silas, Caleb, and I are trapped indoors these days, due to my driving ban.  My license hasn't been revoked or anything like that, and the truth is I did drive one day.  Brian was sick, down on the couch, and I needed a prescription that was becoming an emergency.  I left the boys home with him and took myself on the ten minute drive down the street.  So, in desperate situations, I'll go out on my own, but I won't bring the boys unless the house is on fire or something like that.  I just had a second EEG on Friday, but I won't know the results for some time yet.

Is it hard being trapped in doors?  Yes and no.  It leaves me uninterrupted time to focus on Silas's sleep!  But yes, it is hard to be stuck inside so much.  No rides down the street for iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts, or just a drive to see something else besides these four walls.  For a stay-at-home mom without family living close, it is tough.  However, God is good.  I have a warm house and food to eat, a husband to love me, and sons to love.  I won't complain.

Here is a picture of Brian holding our Silas:



Saturday, October 10, 2015

Silas: Two Months

Dear Silas,

It is still hard for this mama to believe that one year ago, you still were not yet in existence.  Not even as a tiny dot inside my belly.  Your daddy and I were trying, after several months with no success, to get pregnant again.  It wasn't until last November that you were conceived.

I remember clearly how I felt then, so ready for another child, yet having trouble bringing you about. I wondered if Caleb would be our one and only.  God was so good to give us you!  Our family feels so different with you now, so much fuller, so much more complete.  Caleb has a best friend and a playmate in you... you just have to catch up to him!

You are starting to smile more and more!  If Daddy and I make silly sounds, we are often rewarded with your smile.  You love to make eye contact, and you also love to stare at objects on the ceiling, such as a light fixture or a ceiling fan.

You are still keeping me up at night, which is okay, because you are still little.  You usually wake up to feed three times each night, or maybe two, depending.  In a couple of months or so, if you are still waking to feed, we may be doing some tough love there and letting you "cry it out", a thing which I avoided with your brother for a long time, to the detriment of all.  I hope to not repeat the same mistakes I made once before!  I have learned the hard way.  He is an excellent sleeper now, so I hope to have the same success with you.

No one on earth would accuse me of not feeding you enough, because you are a bit pudgy, my sweet little boy!  In the beginning, your nursing sessions were so brief, I wondered if you'd ever gain weight. No worries now!  You are a chunker, that's for sure!  But at this age, it is oh, so cute, and no doubt you'll thin out in good time.

For now, you still sleep right beside me, and I'm fine with that.  When you are ready to sleep through the night, we will be transitioning you to your brother's room.  We want to wait so that you don't wake him up!  I love having you near me at this stage, and no doubt, I'll be sad to see you move on when the time comes.  You are only this little for a short time, my darling boy.  I'm not in a hurry to let you go just yet.

We love you, Silas!  Thank you for adding so much to our family.  We just can't do without you!

Love,
Your mama






Friday, October 9, 2015

How Silas Got His Name

So... it has been a while.  I inadvertently took a blogging break.  Actually, I love to write, and I'd gladly write here every day if only I had the time.  But with a toddler and an almost two-month old, my own "me" time is very small indeed.  My shower is usually even rushed because I can sometimes hear Silas fussing through the streams of water, and I always feel bad for my husband, who is no doubt exhausted himself after a full day of work (and Caleb is a handful on his own).

I wanted to write about why we named our son Silas Carl, and how we came to that decision.

Funny thing is, we have a girl's name all picked out.  We had it picked out long before we settled on Caleb's name (remember, we didn't know the gender).  We actually finalized Caleb's name two days before he was born (and he was late).  It is a name I liked and could see myself naming my daughter before I was ever married, and thankfully, Brian agreed.  We settled on a middle name together, (the first name and middle name were actually a full name of one of my former students), and we left it at that.

But alas, we have not yet been able to use this name!

For whatever reason, we have struggled long and hard for both Caleb and Silas.  I have already told Caleb's story on this blog; now it is Silas's turn.

The middle name was easy, and we began there.  Brian wanted to honor his grandfather, Carl, and I had no problem with it.  From all that he has said, he was a remarkable man, and my own grandfather on my father's side was pretty horrible.  No joke, no lie.  He was a terrible man.  I didn't really know him, but he was married four times because he just couldn't seem to like anyone long enough to stay with them.  My mother's father died when I was four, and I don't remember much about him.

So, Carl sounded good to me, and I know it meant a lot to Brian.

Now, for the first name.

We knew we wanted to keep with the biblical theme we had already begun with Caleb.  So for months, Brian and I would toss Bible names out to one another.  Brian would say, "How about Hezekiah?  Ezekiel?" or some such.  We seriously went through about every male name in the Bible.

Except for Silas.

We were pretty set on Noah for a while.  I actually wrote Noah Carl + our last name on a piece of paper.  Then I read an article about how Noah has been at the top of the name charts for the past five years or so.  Um, no thanks.  We didn't want a name THAT popular.

About this time, I had heard of a celebrity couple who named their newborn son "Silas".  Now, let me be clear.  I could CARE LESS about celebrities and their goings-on.  But when I heard that, I instantly said, "Oh, there's a name from the Bible we didn't even think about!"

I mentioned it to Brian, and he wasn't too enthused.  Neither was I- yet.  But I at least wanted to consider it.  It was different, yes.  However, I didn't want to rule it out.

The months went by, and we kept coming back to it, and over time, it completely worked its way into our hearts.  At exactly 35 weeks along, we committed, and began calling him by his name.

As far as meaning goes, it isn't loaded.  It means "forest" or "woods".  However, he was Paul's missionary companion, and if he's good enough for Paul, he's good enough for me.  After all, they were locked in prison, in shackles no less, and they sat there singing songs and praises to God.  That is far better than I would have behaved in the same situation.

We are absolutely in love with the name now.  My family was slow to like it, and I think it took them time to warm up to it.

And, for the record, don't Caleb and Silas sound great together?  Same amount of letters, same set up of consonants and vowels.  (Yes, the English teacher in me thinks of all of these things.)

More than the name, however, we love the little boy behind it.  I hardly remember this family before he came along... and frankly, I don't even care to!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Trying To Make Sense Of It All

Last Wednesday morning, at about 1:30 a.m. or so, I had a seizure.

For the first time in my life, I was carried away in an ambulance, and for the first time in my life, other than giving birth to my children, I was admitted to the hospital.

I am still trying to process the events, and of course, we are still trying to determine the cause of the seizure.  We MIGHT know, but we also might never know for sure.  We also have an appointment next week with a neurologist, so hopefully he can help shed some light on things.

The last thing I remember was feeding Silas at about 12:30, going to the bathroom, and checking on Caleb.  I went back to bed.  Brian woke up at about 1:30 to the sound of me falling out of the bed. Now, if you know Brian, it is somewhat of a miracle that he woke up.  I always joke that he could sleep through the second coming.  He's a heavy sleeper, and in the past, if Caleb cried in the middle of the night, it was always me that heard him, and not Brian.

He ran over to me, and he found my head stuck between the night table and the bed.  I am sure I can't tell this part of the story as he could since I was completely out of it, but he did get me out of there.  I have no recollection of any of this, but apparently I tried climbing back into bed again.  I was also clawing at him at one point, too.

Brian ran for the phone and called 911.  They told him to keep me still, but I guess I wasn't having it, and I was determined to get into bed and get the covers on myself.  Meanwhile, Brian was trying to keep me away from Silas.  Sometimes Silas will cry or fuss when I try returning him to his bassinet after a feeding, so I might bring him into bed with me.  He sleeps like a dream next to me, but in this instance, in my foggy state, I had no idea what I was doing.  Thank goodness he was okay!

I was completely incoherent.  I remember "waking up" to find Brian and one of the paramedic ladies hovered over me, shouting at me and trying to wake me up.  I was totally startled, and not to mention scared, to be woken up in such a way.  I was totally and completely confused.  They began to tell me what happened, and I saw Silas right next to me on the bed, but I couldn't even remember Caleb.  I guess the paramedic asked me if Silas was my firstborn and I said, "Yes."  It took a few minutes for the fog to lift, and then I could indeed, remember Caleb, too.

I got pretty banged up during my fall out of bed.  My lip was bleeding, my chin scraped, and my arm started to bruise.  However, I was doing okay.  We talked about heading to the hospital.  They asked Brian which one they wanted to bring me to, and since we've only had experience at one, where I delivered both our boys, he chose that one.  Even in my haze, I managed to find my engagement ring, which I always take off at bed time because I don't like to sleep with it, and a sweatshirt.  I dreaded leaving the house in my pajamas, but I really didn't have a choice.  I remember feeling torn because it was the first time I would be separated from Silas, and it made me nervous in case he got hungry. Since there was nothing to be done about it, I tried not to worry.  I walked out to the ambulance, while Brian proceeded to get the boys ready for the trek to the hospital on his own.

My ride to the hospital was calm.  The paramedics team chatted casually with each other and sometimes with me.  The ambulance lights were blaring, but no sirens were necessary.  I was delivered to the hospital, given a room in the ER, and they got to work trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I was anxious for Brian's arrival with the boys.

After a time, he showed up, and I was relieved.  I was happy to be reunited with Silas, because I didn't want him to go hungry.  The long car ride continued to have its effect on him, and he stayed asleep for a while in his car seat.

My urine had been collected and my blood drawn, and they determined that I had a urinary tract infection, which is something I already knew.  I had been trying to treat it at home by myself with a supplement that is pretty well-known as a uti treatment (just google d-mannose and you'll see what I mean).  The levels of phosphorous in my blood were also found to be low.  A doctor came to see me, saying that I would have to be transferred to another hospital because this one didn't have a neurologist.  He also informed me that he had researched the d-mannose, and he found that it can lower phosphorous levels, and low phosphorous can lead to seizures.  Was this the answer, or something else?

I was put into an ambulance for the second time, and separated from Brian and the boys once again. (I made sure to feed Silas before we parted ways!)  Brian once again got the boys loaded up for their second trip.  I was brought to the second hospital and sent to a room, and again I awaited the arrival of my men.

Meanwhile, Brian had called his mom to come down and help, so she headed to the first hospital. Brian had left instructions for her to head to the second hospital, and she was informed when she arrived that we had already left.  Thank goodness she has GPS!

Brian's mom arrived and it was good to have some help with the boys, but we decided to see how the day would before we let the boys go.  After all, I really didn't want to stay overnight.  I am nursing Silas, and they informed me that he wouldn't be allowed to stay with me if I was admitted overnight.  That just wouldn't do.  It is one thing if it is an emergency, but I was feeling fine, and I wanted to be with my son.  Just in case, they brought a lactation consultant to meet with me to show me how to pump my milk in case I had to send the milk home with Silas, but fortunately, the hospital was good enough to let me go home.  They ordered me an MRI and an EEG, and they got an antibiotic for my uti.  I developed a splitting headache after the MRI, and had to beg for some painkillers.  (Why does it take them so long to get it?)  Since no one was sure if the d-mannose had anything to do with my seizure, they told me to stop taking it.  I was told I could not drive for six months, and I had to schedule an appointment with a neurologist within a week.

I was finally able to leave the hospital at about 6 or 6:30.  Caleb, Silas, and I were all still in our pajamas.  (No big deal for Silas, though!)  I looked like a fright, because the EEG required all sorts of things to be stuck to my hair, and I pretty much could have been the bride of Frankenstein.

I was so relieved to be able to go home, and that I didn't need to be away from Silas.  On Thursday, Brian went back to work for half the day, and I had Brian's mom with me to help out.  She stayed through Friday morning, and I remember that the minute she left, I felt all sorts of fear.  It was the first time I was alone since my seizure.  What if I had another?  What if I had a seizure and hurt my boys?  I had done some research and found out that postpartum seizures were not uncommon.  Being sleep-deprived is another cause of seizures, and I am indeed that with a month old baby to nurse at night!

I was happy to have Brian home for the weekend, and so happy to not be alone again, but it was hard to let him go this morning!  It's like all the sudden I don't trust myself to care for my own boys.

I'm trying to cling to the Lord during this time as we await our appointment with the neurologist, where we will hopefully get some answers.  (Though, not necessarily.  My sister had a seizure when she was 13, and they never found the cause.)

For now, I am trying to cling to the Lord in spite of my fears.  This is a hard time, for sure.  I feel lonelier than ever, stuck in the house, trapped, and overall just scared.

This is my arm 4 days after the fall.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Silas: One Month

Dear Silas,

These weeks have flown by!  I can't believe you are one month old already!  No longer can I call you a newborn because you have officially graduated into big boy territory!

Our house is so much richer and fuller now that you are here.  It took your brother a few weeks, but he is now giving you kisses and trying to stroke your head whenever he can.  I hold my breath a bit, because Caleb is rather rough around the edges.  He did manage to throw a Mega Blok that landed directly on your face today.  You cried, and I was near tears myself.

You love to sleep next to me.  I don't plan it that way, and you certainly sleep in your bassinet, too, but sometimes we both fall asleep while you are nursing.  Sometimes, like last night, you were so fussy (and I was exhausted) that I gave up and just brought you to bed with me.  You seem so content to be nestled near me.  While it is beautiful, and in theory I like it, I don't always like the crick in my neck that comes as a result.  But you are worth it.

You are absolutely beautiful.  Your blue eyes are so alert, and you love to watch whoever is in front of you.  I believe you recognize me, because you sort of give me a look that says, or at least I interpret it to say, "Oh, it's you.  I know you.  I am at home with you.  I am safe with you."

You are a grunter.  Such a noisy baby you are!  Any sort of discomfort is dealt with and communicated in a grunt.  Whether you have spit up that is working its way up, you need to burp, or you are trying to do #2, you are grunting.  You are also fussy!  There are times I truly don't know what to do with you.  You can be unhappy being held, walked around, rocked in the chair, etc. During the day, nursing is your number one comfort, and the second is your swing.  In the evening, you are almost inconsolable.  It is all I can do to take a quick shower.  Daddy watches you, but nothing usually works to calm you, and he happily turns you over to me so I can nurse you.

Nursing has been an issue for us.  You have nursed in quick sessions since birth, but with more frequency than normal.  I worried about you for the first couple of weeks, terrified that you were not eating enough, and after a trip to the doctor's confirmed you were indeed gaining weight, I finally relaxed.  I'm still not sure why you nurse in so many frequent, short sessions, but I have accepted that this is just your way for right now.  As long as you are healthy, that is my main concern.

Your Daddy and I love you.  We look forward to watching you grow and interact with your big brother.  No doubt, we'll have our hands full with the two of you!  I often gaze at you and wonder just what your personality will be.   I can't wait to find out!

Silas, welcome to our family, our home, and our hearts.  We love you!

Love always,
Your mama





Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Me, Lord?


Back in March, we found out our baby's gender.  I wrote on this blog about how we both wanted a girl.  We already had one boy, and I went into this last pregnancy thinking this was absolutely the last baby we were having.  After all, I am getting older, and I don't want to be a grandmother to my own children.  I have always dreamed of having a girl of my own- someone to read Anne of Green Gables and Little House on the Prairie books with, and when she's older, someone with whom to share my love of Jane Austen.  Brian and I have a name picked out from Caleb's pregnancy, since we didn't know what we were having.  We often refer to her by her name, as if she is a person who is meant to be here, but just isn't in existence yet.  Sometimes I'll say aloud, "I wonder if we'll ever have our _____  _____."

When we purchased this house, we knew we were making a bit of a sacrifice.  We had been turning down homes that were only two bedroom, thinking that we wanted three bedrooms, one for us, and two for our children if we had a boy and a girl.  This house was in great shape, and such a good deal, that we decided to go ahead and get it anyway.  I remember clearly thinking, "Oh, well.  Maybe we'll have two girls.  Then they can share the bedroom."  I also thought that if we did have a boy and a girl they could share the room when they were small.

I was so convinced I was meant to have a girl, that I was sort of stupefied when the ultrasound technician declared we were having a second boy.  This was the whole reason we wanted to know the gender in advance.  If we were to have a boy, I didn't want any disappointment in the delivery room. I didn't want to build up such strong hopes of having a girl, bursting with anticipation, only to be like a balloon losing its air as I learned the news.  This was perhaps the best decision we made.

The technician said, "I think I know what it is."  Then we waited for him to confirm his thoughts. Brian was behind me a ways, not close enough to touch me, holding Caleb in his lap.  Then the technician said, "It's a boy.  Definitely."  I strained to see what he was looking at, and yes, I had to agree with him.

For a second, I couldn't look at Brian.  I just sat sort of still, not wanting to be disappointed, because, after all, I was having a child!  Who cares what it is?  Two children are more than many can boast. But, folks, I am human.  It did hurt.  When I could finally turn to look at Brian, he had a sympathetic look on his face, and mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."

While Brian was a bit disappointed, too, he was able to get over it a lot faster.  After all, he is a man! Two boys!  Hurray!  Two boys to carry on the name; two boys to tackle and wrestle on the living room floor.  But me?  I asked, "Me, Lord?  What am I supposed to do with two boys?  One I can handle, but two?"

You see, folks, I am a girly-girl.  I have not one athletic bone in my body.  Gym was my worst subject in school.  I'd rather bake cookies in the kitchen than run around the yard.  How do I handle all this energy?  Jumping off furniture?  Getting skinned knees every other day?  Caleb is already strong, and quite frankly, he could beat me up if he wanted to. (And sometimes he does.)  I was scared I wouldn't be able to be a good mother to two boys.

I needed the time, before Silas was born, to adjust my thinking.  I was going to have another son. Instead of fearing it, I decided to look at it as a blessing.  Caleb was going to have a little brother, and a best friend!  I started to become eager to see how their personalities would be different.  Yes, both are boys, but their personalities will surely differ as the sun and the moon.

I can't deny that both my sons make my heart melt in a way that perhaps a girl never would, simply because they are boys.  When my Caleb gives me a kiss, I am as twitterpated as a young woman newly in love.

Over the course of the next few months, I was able to fully come to grips with the idea that we were not having a daughter.  We decided to name our son "Silas" when we were 35 weeks along, and when I had another ultrasound not long after, I wasn't hoping the first technician was wrong and that we'd be told different news.  I had fully embraced our boy by then.  When she confirmed that he was, indeed, a boy, I was happy to reaffirm our Silas.

Am I still sad I don't have a girl?  Yes, but I am not sad to have two boys.  They are two different things.

After we found out we were having another boy, Brian asked me not to close the door on having another child.  I really wanted this to be my last pregnancy, because, let's face it, it is no fun being pregnant.  Nor is going through labor.  I am not 25 years old with plenty of time left.  However, I heard what Brian was asking.  We're not declaring this to be our last pregnancy, but we aren't declaring that we will try for another either.  With both pregnancies, I charted and planned and tried to get pregnant. We don't plan to do that at all.  We are not going to try to get pregnant again, nor are we going to try not to, unless I have a particular health reason.

I have left it in God's hands.  After all, we could end up pregnant with a third son!  Who knows?! For now, I'm letting God worry about the future.  I am enjoying my two sons and the wonderful blessings that they are.  If they are the only two children I ever have, they are more than enough. Even if I never have a daughter.

**Just as I finished writing this post, I looked up to see Silas staring at me.  He was asleep, but just woke up.  He was looking right into my eyes, and I smiled back at him.  He's already a fixture in my heart.  I am so blessed to have these two boys.





Tuesday, August 25, 2015

We'll Miss You, Grandma




This past Sunday, we learned that Brian's grandma passed away.  She was 95 years old.

Obviously, this wasn't highly unexpected.  No one can live forever, and 95 years is more than many can boast.  However, it is still a loss to be grieved.  When we came home on Sunday afternoon after running an errand and going out for ice cream, Brian's dad was on our answering machine asking us to call back.  Brian knew from his voice that something was amiss, and said immediately, "I hope Grandma didn't pass."

When he called back, the tears didn't just come to Brian's eyes.  I also cried.  Brian's grandmother was the last grandparent left between us, but it was more than that.  Brian's grandma was one special lady- full of spark and strong opinions, and I truly appreciated her.

She was the very first person in Brian's family that I ever met, and she always had a special spot in my heart.  For whatever reason, I always felt at home with her.  Perhaps it was because of her relationship with Brian- she loved her one and only grandson so much- I guess it wasn't hard for her to love me, too.

The first time I met her was in April of 2010.  Brian and I were dating, and he wanted to take me to see his hometown.  Brian's parents were at their second home in Arizona, so we stayed at Brian's grandma's place.  She was still so full of life then, even cooking an Easter meal for us.  The next time I saw her was in August of that year, when Brian wanted to take me to his family's camp up in the Adirondacks.  The three of us went together, and it was neat to see Grandma in her element, the place she loved the best.  She put up with me, a city slicker by comparison, and though I remember her snapping at me two distinct times, I didn't let it get to me.  She was a particular lady who liked things a certain way, and I knew she wasn't snapping at "me" so much as at the way I was doing something. I never felt once that she didn't like me, but rather, I felt very much welcomed into her world up there at camp, even though I was such a foreigner to that whole lifestyle.

Every time I saw her, I called her "Grandma" and greeted her with a hug and a kiss.  It felt right to me, and not a stretch by any means.  My own grandmothers had passed on, the most recent being less than a month before I met Brian's grandma.  She seemed to naturally step in and fill the spot that I had been missing in my own life.

Grandma was a no-nonsense kind of lady.  She let you know what was on her mind and didn't hold back.  She had high standards, values, and morals by which she lived.  She loved going to church. She was devoted to her family.

We last saw Grandma this past May.  Brian must have sensed that this would be the last time he'd see her on this side of heaven.  He asked for some time alone with her, so Brian's parents, Caleb, and I all left the room.  He told her we were going to have another son this summer, and while we hadn't fully decided on a first name, we were committed to naming his middle name "Carl" after Brian's grandfather, her beloved husband.  She loved her husband very much, and was very happy to hear this news.  The morning after our second son was born, Brian called his grandma to tell her about Silas Carl, and she rejoiced with us.  She even got to hear some of the sounds Silas was making over the phone.  We also learned that Silas was born on her and Carl's anniversary!

We are so grateful that she got to hear about the birth of her tenth great-grandchild before she passed, and even more grateful that she got to hear him, for just a moment, over the phone.

She's in a place now that we can only dream about, and for all of us that know the Lord, we will see her again one day.  For now, we have that peace knowing that she is at peace.

We will miss you, Grandma!





Thursday, August 20, 2015

Four Years

Brian and I were married four years ago today!

I sort of feel like we've come from being college freshmen to seniors, though I'm not sure we'll ever graduate.  Marriage is a constant growing and learning experience.  I don't think we'll be official graduates until maybe we are in our sixties.

Every year, I dedicate our wedding song to Brian on the Christian radio station that we listen to. Last year, I had forgotten to turn the radio on, because I was caught up in research on the computer at the time.  I had been researching why I was having trouble getting pregnant again, and finding the solution eventually led to our Silas.

Today, we missed listening to the song because Brian took me out for a late breakfast!  Normally, he takes me to out for dinner to a restaurant by Lake Wallenpaupack, and while it isn't that far away (about 25 minutes), Silas is literally nursing all the time (he's been having some issues), and I didn't want to go that far away at this time.  (I'm not a big fan of public nursing, even with a cover, and would much prefer to do it in private in my own home.)  Instead, he took me to a breakfast/lunch place down the street from us this morning, where he used to take me on my weekend trips to visit him when we were dating.  After church, and before I'd return to NJ, he'd always treat me to a meal. It was neat to go there today for our fourth anniversary, and with our TWO sons!

We decided to give each other grace in the gifts department, being that we did JUST have a baby last week!  We decided to give each other actual gifts on September 20 so we could have a little bit more time to think about it/acquire said gifts.

I donned my wedding gear once again, as I do every year:  the headband, earrings, and bracelet I wore on my wedding day.  It's just a small, but neat little thing that connects me to that beautiful day in which I was a bride.

I am so grateful for this godly man God has given me.  He is a wonderful husband, and I pray that we will grow old together.  He's my best friend and I am so blessed to call him mine.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

When Three Became Four

On Monday, August 10, I began having contractions.  The funny thing is, I wasn't entirely sure they were contractions.  Since I was induced with Caleb, I never had that experience of trying to decide when to leave for the hospital.  Labor started in the hospital and I didn't have to stop and analyze anything.  While the hard part of labor was longer with Caleb, the easier part was longer with Silas. So I actually spent many hours laboring at home without being in the worst of it.

I had an appointment scheduled with my midwife at 3:15 at the office across the street from the hospital.  We had discussed it already on Friday, and she had planned to induce me with Cervidil if I didn't go into labor on my own.  When we showed up that Monday, we found out I was four centimeters dilated, so it was past the point for Cervidil.  We were afraid she was going to send us back home, which we absolutely did not want, since it is fifty minutes each way.  What if we started going home and labor took off?  I didn't want to be stuck in the car and rush hour traffic during labor.

Looking back, I remember walking in the office as a contraction was upon me, so I was hunched over with my hand on my abdomen.  The secretary took one look at me, said to another secretary, "It looks like she might not be induced after all."  However, at that time, my contractions were still irregular and while painful, still very much tolerable.  My midwife clearly didn't think I was in active labor. She thought for several moments and decided on a plan.  She'd send us to the hospital.  She told us to stop for a bite to eat, then head to the hospital and simply relax in the hospital room for the night.  If labor came, then great.  If not, she'd give me Pitocin in the morning.  Brian and I were relieved to not have to turn back home.  Before leaving, she put some homeopathic concoction in my water, and told me to take two sips every half hour.  It was supposed to help bring on labor.

Brian and I headed out, and since there was a lot of traffic and we were too nervous to simply go out and enjoy ourselves, we got a couple of slices of pizza to go and and ate them in the hospital parking lot.  Then we proceeded to get ourselves checked in.

I was gowned up, and my midwife came over after her shift to check on me.  She still didn't think anything would happen.  I was told to relax and hang out.

It seemed the moment all this was done, things started to really happen.  I didn't even have time to unpack my suitcase a bit and get settled.  Brian began timing my contractions, and all of the sudden, they were coming four minutes apart.  I was texting my sister in between, and she was excited for me, believing this was it, finally.  I told her my midwife didn't think anything would happen that night, and my sister texted me back and said, "She don't know nothin'.  You're going to have that baby tonight!"  (She meant no disrespect to my midwife; she was only trying to encourage me.)  My sister urged me to get up after they got the monitors off of me, and get moving so the baby would drop.

Then, everything seemed to be moving from there.  The nurse came in and saw the state I was in, and Brian told her my contractions were four minutes apart.  When we first arrived, we were pretty much told we'd be left alone for the night, but no more.  My midwife was alerted and she came back, and she said she wouldn't be going home after all.  The nurse showed me some helpful positions for laboring, and Brian and I got to work.  (There was a nice slow dance position where I had my arms wrapped around Brian's neck and he held me at the waist, and when the contraction came, I bent at the knees in order to bring the baby down.  It would have been romantic if no pain was involved!)

The contractions started to be serious at 4:40, when Brian started timing them.  Needless to say, the pain intensified.  I was really trying hard not to cry out for any drugs or an epidural, and I can honestly say that I was not even tempted this time around.  I knew I just had to get through this no matter how hard it was.  I did a lot of moaning, whereas with Caleb I did a lot of yelling.  One of the nurses actually complimented me on my moaning, saying that was much better than yelling, because yelling would take more of my energy.  (I did yell towards the end, when I couldn't stand it any more, but my yells were all prayers toward God for His help and strength.)  Brian was encouraging me the entire time, being so supportive and positive in my weak moments.

I was fortunate enough to be given the room with the tub, because I had wanted to labor in the tub in hopes that would ease some of my pain.  I was told by the nurse to save it for the end if I could hold off that long, because that would be my best weapon, and it was better to keep it in my arsenal as long as I could.  I went in when I was about eight centimeters or so.  It did help immensely, but let's be honest, nothing can shield a laboring woman from the pain at this point.  I found that being on all fours when a contraction hit was best for me, and Brian found that pointing the water sprayer on my back helped me also.

The nurses were asking me to let them know when I felt the need to push.  Almost as soon as they said it, I felt it.  My midwife had thought I wanted to birth in the tub, which plenty of women do.  But honestly, I had only wanted to labor in the tub.  I felt like I could better push out of the water.  In the water, I felt like I had less control over myself due to floating and whatnot, so the nurses proceeded to get me out of the tub and get me on the bed.  Everyone got into position.  Brian was on my right side, holding my right leg, and a nurse was on the other.  Pushing began.  It hurt so much; I truly didn't think I could handle it.  I said so.  "I can't do this!" I shouted, over and over again.  I really felt as though I'd be stuck there forever, with a baby wedged in my body, not able to get out because I couldn't push him.  My midwife stopped and came close to me, "Courtney, look at me," she said.  "You CAN do this."

There is no work like labor.  Perhaps I should say there is no labor like labor.  It is the hardest work a woman ever does.  It requires so much strength and concentration.  I pushed and pushed and I'm sure I used muscles that weren't necessary at all, because I simply threw myself into it fully.  Finally, finally, my baby came forth.  He slipped from my body at 8:29 p.m., and the worst was over.

In moments, he was placed on my stomach.  He was awake, but not looking at me because he was on his belly.  I looked at him, though, and my heart filled with love for my second son.

He was taken to be weighed and measured, which was fine, because my midwife had to repair the damage done to my body, which was also very painful.  Goodness, nature is not kind to women giving birth!  Even afterwards, there are pains to be dealt with.

After our Silas was taken care of, and after my midwife was finished with me, I got to hold him again and soak in the wonder and joy of having another child.  No matter how exhausted, nothing can spoil the joy of that moment.

 This photo was taken earlier in the day, before we left for the hospital.










And now, here we are as a family of four.  Our cup runneth over.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

We Love You, Silas Carl!



Our brand new son was born on August 10 at 8:29 p.m.!  He weighed 8 lbs., 10 oz., was 20 inches long, and had a 14 inch head.

It turned out that I did not need to be induced and I gave birth the day my midwife had been planning to induce me.  The labor and delivery was all-natural, and somehow I lived to tell about it.

I am completely exhausted at this time, so I'll keep this post short and sweet.  There is no rest for the weary, with a newborn who is up all night, and a busy toddler to chase about as well.

I'll be back with the whole birth story!