Nearing The Finish Line

This photo was from Sunday, the very end of 37 weeks.  Here is our brand-new-used changing table!  I never got a changing table with the boys, because we simply used their (actually, mine and my sister's) old dresser.  We have one floor that we live on in this weird bi-level of ours, and it was easy enough to just put a changing pad on the dresser and head in the room any time.

Since our baby girl doesn't have a room of her own, I was hoping to get a changing table for the living room, instead of using the boys' room for it, which was my fallback plan.  I didn't want to buy a brand-new one, because obviously, this is our last child, and the expense wasn't worth it.  I looked on Craig's List, to no avail.

Best friend Theresa to the rescue!  Apparently as a pastor's wife, she knows people.  She contacted the director of the local pregnancy center, and they had a used one there they were willing to give me.  I felt uncertain at first; after all, I am not 16, unmarried, and considering an abortion.  I was assured they give to anyone in need, and Theresa went over there herself to get it for me.  I wasted no time in getting it set up.  One of the best things about it is simply the storage, since our baby girl's things are crammed in our room, it is nice to have some space for diapers somewhere else.

I am 38 weeks at this point, and every time I think I am done preparing and doing things before this baby gets here, I keep thinking of something else.  I just made another batch of homemade toothpaste and elderberry syrup this week.  (Yes, I make our own toothpaste.  It isn't hard at all.)

Caleb is so excited to meet his baby sister, and Silas, well, we don't know what he knows and doesn't know.  I will say he has been extra snuggly, almost as if he senses something is coming.

All of our guessing is soon to come to an end.  Both of my boys were late, so I am obviously prepared for that scenario/disappointment/endless waiting.  It is very hard and uncomfortable at this point.  Every time I get up from a reclining position it feels like the weight of the world is descending into my pelvis.  I have a grocery trip coming up this weekend, and I am not looking forward to that chore.  Let's not even talk about how hard it is to clean the bathroom at this point.

We are ready as we can be!  We love this little girl, and it is shocking to know that she is soon to be in our arms.

We were grateful to get this rocker from a dear friend that I put on our baby registry.  We had already thrown our previous one out, which had run its course with my sister's kids and my boys.  And I could actually register for pink since this is our last child!

One of Brian's coworkers was happy to pass on a baby swing and exersaucer to us, since ours hit the dump along with our baby rocker.  We threw these things out, in all honesty, not long before we got pregnant!  That is how much of a shock it was to have this baby!  But they were not in good shape, and were in very questionable condition after having been used and passed on several times... we were very grateful to get these items!  The boys have been a little too obsessed with this swing at times.  Silas has batted it back and forth with such force, we will need to watch him carefully once our girl is in there.  (He even tried to climb in there himself, more than once...)

My mom and sis bought me a beautiful (pink) stroller/infant car seat combo that I registered for back in the fall.  We had already thrown out our car seat (those things expire), and our stroller was long past prime condition also.

We are grateful for the things we've gotten, whether brand-new or used, to get us in baby-mode once again.  It is so strange, when we thought we were done with this season, to be going back into it!

Every morning I wake up, and I don't feel any differently (I mean, besides the weight of the world in my lower abdomen).  No contractions, nothing going on.  Not that I am looking forward to experiencing the effects of Eve's curse once again!  But I am ready to meet this little cherub of ours!

"Making the decision to have a child-- it is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~ Elizabeth Stone

Ready Or Not

This is the hardest time of pregnancy, for sure and for certain.  Wondering, waiting, and wondering some more.  Is this twinge or that cramp the start of something?

So, I have two due dates for this pregnancy.  One, the main one, based on my cycle, and the other, based on my first dating ultrasound.  The dating ultrasound put our little girl's due date six days earlier than the one based on my cycle.  In all of my ultrasounds, she's always been a little ahead of the game as far as weight, so perhaps the dating ultrasound due date is more accurate.

However, none of that is important to me, which is why I won't bother writing those dates here.  Both of my boys were eight days late, so I don't put much stock in due dates.  Caleb was seven days late when I was induced, and he was born the next day.  Silas was eight days late all on his own.

I truly hope to not be that late.  I really don't want to reach 41 weeks.  My body has already shown a couple of signs of getting ready for labor, so we shall see.  I don't want her to come this week, as I am only 37 weeks, and there are still some final touches of development in the brain.  If I had to choose, I wouldn't mind 39 weeks.

But, absolutely none of this is in my control and it is out of my hands!  We have readied the house, cleaned, decluttered, and prepared baby items for our girl, and done whatever we possibly can!  We bought a new car the very end of November, because neither of our cars held three car seats.  We made space in the corner of our room for baby clothes and other items, because this girl won't be getting her own room until we move some time in the future.

All I am doing now is continuing to keep up with my chores and daily baking, cooking, and cleaning.  I am drinking plenty of water to make sure there is enough amniotic fluid, and I am gulping down Raspberry Leaf tea and capsules, which help prepare the uterus for labor.  Mentally, I am trying to focus my mind on the great pain that awaits.  Brian is preparing to take a paternity leave at work.  Our hospital bags are packed, except for the last-minute toiletry items, and I made a list of those in case I completely forget my senses in a moment of panic while getting ready to head out.

This pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly, overall.  I have felt just fine, for the most part.  Any pregnant woman can complain of aches and pains, and I am no different.  There's been nothing over the top, though.  With Caleb, I fell once while pregnant.  With Silas, I fell twice.  So far- no falls!  Watch, now that I've said that, I'll fall three times in the next hour!  I had a very dramatic, slow-motion stumble down the front steps one day, that kept on going and going until I landed near the car, and while I came close to spraining my ankle, I came out unscathed.  So praise God!

I've had to wear Brian's old winter coat, since I can actually zip his over my belly, and let me tell you how pretty I feel in that thing.  Pregnancy is no time for vanity, however.  I am wearing my sister's old maternity clothes, and many of the items are 13 years old, and they look it!  But they have served us through 7 pregnancies now, and they are soon getting ready to retire for good.  And I will gain an empty trunk that I can fill with other things.  Yay!

So here we are... just waiting.  Dreaming of our baby girl's face, fingers, and toes.  Still in shock that this is actually happening.  Standing on the brink of our family changing once again.  Wondering how it is all going to look over the next few months, how the routines will change, how the boys will adjust.

Waiting for all my fears to fade as I behold our sweet little girl's face for the first time and I snuggle her close to me.  She's worth it.  I already know it.  Without a doubt.

We love you, baby girl!

Letters To My Children

Dearest Caleb,

I still remember the exact moment we first made eye contact.  I had just learned that you were a boy, only a few moments before, and then you were promptly handed to me.  We had only settled on your name at the end of my pregnancy, but it was ready in my heart and on my lips.  As they passed you to me, your eyes were looking right at mine.  I held you close and said, "Caleb".

You, dearest boy, asked me for a little sister, months before we thought such a thing was possible.  A little girl had been on our hearts for years, but we thought it was a dream that needed to be buried.  God has His ways of speaking to us, and I believe He started that day when He prompted your request.

I am so excited to see what this next stage in our family will mean for you.  Sure, you are already a big brother.  There are times you look out for Silas.  But you were still so small when he was born.  This will be different.  I believe that all that is good and protective in you will rise to the forefront.  You already love your sister.  I know you are going to watch her every move and facial expressions.  In the beginning, there may not be a whole lot for you to do, but just you wait.  In time, you'll be fetching her toys and chasing after her when she crawls.  I trust you to be an extra set of eyes for me.  I know you are up for the task, and I KNOW that being a big, big brother, is going to bring out some awesome things in you.

I can't wait for you to meet your long-awaited baby sister.  You asked for her, sweet boy.  I'm so glad you get to see God answer your request.

I love you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Silas Lover-Boy,

Oh, my little man!  Ever since you were old enough to return smiles, you have gazed at me like I am the sun, the moon, and the stars combined.  I have many nicknames for you, but one of them is "Lover".  That is what you are: my little boy lover.

This is going to be a big change for you.  You are used to having me to yourself and as much as you want.  You may spend less time on my lap than when you were smaller, but you still take delight in snuggling with me any time you feel like it or hurtling yourself toward me at full speed the moment I sit down.  (Many times I have had to cover my belly when seeing you approach!)

I have tried to tell you about the baby in my belly.  You have laid your head on my belly so many times I am sure our baby girl is familiar with your voice.  But do you understand what is coming?  Do you know that the cycle of this household will completely change, and that you, my darling boy, are not going to be the baby any more?

I don't know.  Sometimes you seem to not understand many things at all, but then, all of the sudden, you shock us with something that seems like hidden genius.  You just did this last week!

In any case, whether you know it or not, change is coming.  Breakfast might not be put on the table as early as it always is.  And my arms are going to be more full.  I want to assure you that I will ALWAYS be there for you.  I know how much you need snuggle time with me.  You need to be in my face and feel my breath and bury your face into my neck.  I will still be there for you.  I'm not abandoning you.  Yes, your little sister will be in my arms and in my lap, but you will always be loved.  I will make sure I put aside time for just us.

I know it will take some time for you to get used to this new creature that is coming.  You might be jealous.  You might wonder when she's going to pack up her things and leave.  But I prayed that this baby would be a "good thing" for both you and Caleb, and though we might have our initial bumps in the road, I believe that she will bring out the best in you, even if it takes a while.

I'm not going anywhere.  Things might change, my love, but your mama will always love you, and I'll always be here.  After all, I need your snuggles as much as you need mine.

I love you.

Love,
Mama

Dearest Darling Girl,

Words at times can fail us.  This is one of those times.  As I pause here for a moment, in these last few weeks of my pregnancy, on the threshold of meeting you, I am in awe.

One year ago, we had no idea what would await us this year.  We were throwing baby things out thinking for sure that phase was over and gone.

Daddy and I have been calling you by your name for years, often using your first and middle names together.  I picked out your name years ago, before I had ever met Daddy, and God told me I'd have a girl with your name.  I remember the exact moment.  I won't ever forget it, because God doesn't typically stop and get my attention quite like that.

When Daddy and I got married, we were a little older.  I had thought we'd only squeeze in two children.  After Silas was born, we figured that was it.  I must have been wrong all those years ago when I thought I heard God speak to me.  When seizures began to attack me, and the boys seemed to get worse, and of course I just got older, it seemed like an impossible dream.

And yet, and yet... we could not completely forget you.  Daddy and I would talk about you to the point where you just seemed like a real person.  We were waiting for you, even though we didn't see how it would ever happen.

Here we are, weeks away from finally meeting you.  Dear girl, you are loved and have been loved long before you were a seed in my belly.  Your Daddy is so excited to have a little girl of his very own, and I am watering right now at just that thought alone.  You have made him so happy!  I am thrilled, too.  I am so close to my own mother.  She is so much more than my mother, but she is also a very dear friend at this point in my life.  I hope and pray that we will be close.  I already dream of things like going shopping together and baking cookies on a snowy day while Daddy and your brothers are out shoveling.  I look forward to teaching you about being a lady and what godly femininity is, how to dress modestly, and how to keep yourself pure.  You can bet your boots that Daddy will be standing at the door with a shotgun when any guy comes a-knockin', and I will be happy to share with you how to guard your heart and wait for that right man to come.

Your Daddy was that good man for me.  Oh, he's gonna love you so much!  He's already dreaming about Daddy-Daughter dates.  He's going to affirm you and tell you how special you are and no one's opinion is going to matter more than his, until the day he gives you away at a glorious altar wearing a beautiful gown of white.  You're his little girl, and you can rest assured he's going to protect you with all that he is.

As I write, the words are getting blurry on the screen.  I might be terrified at what's to come:  a newborn baby, and middle of the night feeds and changes, along with two rowdy and crazy boys who are up long before dawn.  But I am also in awe of what God has done and is doing, right this very moment.

I have enjoyed and savored this pregnancy.  I haven't been in a rush for it to end.  Sure, I miss my regular clothes and I can't wait to not have to use the restroom so much.  The aches and pains are getting worse this late in the game, and I sure won't miss those either.

I have enjoyed your stay inside of me.  This is the last time I will experience a child in my womb, and I will be sad to see it end.   But oh, I won't be sad for too long.  You'll be in our arms!

We'll see you soon, sweetheart.  Stay tight until then.

I love you.

Love,
Mama