Trying To Make Sense Of It All

Last Wednesday morning, at about 1:30 a.m. or so, I had a seizure.

For the first time in my life, I was carried away in an ambulance, and for the first time in my life, other than giving birth to my children, I was admitted to the hospital.

I am still trying to process the events, and of course, we are still trying to determine the cause of the seizure.  We MIGHT know, but we also might never know for sure.  We also have an appointment next week with a neurologist, so hopefully he can help shed some light on things.

The last thing I remember was feeding Silas at about 12:30, going to the bathroom, and checking on Caleb.  I went back to bed.  Brian woke up at about 1:30 to the sound of me falling out of the bed. Now, if you know Brian, it is somewhat of a miracle that he woke up.  I always joke that he could sleep through the second coming.  He's a heavy sleeper, and in the past, if Caleb cried in the middle of the night, it was always me that heard him, and not Brian.

He ran over to me, and he found my head stuck between the night table and the bed.  I am sure I can't tell this part of the story as he could since I was completely out of it, but he did get me out of there.  I have no recollection of any of this, but apparently I tried climbing back into bed again.  I was also clawing at him at one point, too.

Brian ran for the phone and called 911.  They told him to keep me still, but I guess I wasn't having it, and I was determined to get into bed and get the covers on myself.  Meanwhile, Brian was trying to keep me away from Silas.  Sometimes Silas will cry or fuss when I try returning him to his bassinet after a feeding, so I might bring him into bed with me.  He sleeps like a dream next to me, but in this instance, in my foggy state, I had no idea what I was doing.  Thank goodness he was okay!

I was completely incoherent.  I remember "waking up" to find Brian and one of the paramedic ladies hovered over me, shouting at me and trying to wake me up.  I was totally startled, and not to mention scared, to be woken up in such a way.  I was totally and completely confused.  They began to tell me what happened, and I saw Silas right next to me on the bed, but I couldn't even remember Caleb.  I guess the paramedic asked me if Silas was my firstborn and I said, "Yes."  It took a few minutes for the fog to lift, and then I could indeed, remember Caleb, too.

I got pretty banged up during my fall out of bed.  My lip was bleeding, my chin scraped, and my arm started to bruise.  However, I was doing okay.  We talked about heading to the hospital.  They asked Brian which one they wanted to bring me to, and since we've only had experience at one, where I delivered both our boys, he chose that one.  Even in my haze, I managed to find my engagement ring, which I always take off at bed time because I don't like to sleep with it, and a sweatshirt.  I dreaded leaving the house in my pajamas, but I really didn't have a choice.  I remember feeling torn because it was the first time I would be separated from Silas, and it made me nervous in case he got hungry. Since there was nothing to be done about it, I tried not to worry.  I walked out to the ambulance, while Brian proceeded to get the boys ready for the trek to the hospital on his own.

My ride to the hospital was calm.  The paramedics team chatted casually with each other and sometimes with me.  The ambulance lights were blaring, but no sirens were necessary.  I was delivered to the hospital, given a room in the ER, and they got to work trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I was anxious for Brian's arrival with the boys.

After a time, he showed up, and I was relieved.  I was happy to be reunited with Silas, because I didn't want him to go hungry.  The long car ride continued to have its effect on him, and he stayed asleep for a while in his car seat.

My urine had been collected and my blood drawn, and they determined that I had a urinary tract infection, which is something I already knew.  I had been trying to treat it at home by myself with a supplement that is pretty well-known as a uti treatment (just google d-mannose and you'll see what I mean).  The levels of phosphorous in my blood were also found to be low.  A doctor came to see me, saying that I would have to be transferred to another hospital because this one didn't have a neurologist.  He also informed me that he had researched the d-mannose, and he found that it can lower phosphorous levels, and low phosphorous can lead to seizures.  Was this the answer, or something else?

I was put into an ambulance for the second time, and separated from Brian and the boys once again. (I made sure to feed Silas before we parted ways!)  Brian once again got the boys loaded up for their second trip.  I was brought to the second hospital and sent to a room, and again I awaited the arrival of my men.

Meanwhile, Brian had called his mom to come down and help, so she headed to the first hospital. Brian had left instructions for her to head to the second hospital, and she was informed when she arrived that we had already left.  Thank goodness she has GPS!

Brian's mom arrived and it was good to have some help with the boys, but we decided to see how the day would before we let the boys go.  After all, I really didn't want to stay overnight.  I am nursing Silas, and they informed me that he wouldn't be allowed to stay with me if I was admitted overnight.  That just wouldn't do.  It is one thing if it is an emergency, but I was feeling fine, and I wanted to be with my son.  Just in case, they brought a lactation consultant to meet with me to show me how to pump my milk in case I had to send the milk home with Silas, but fortunately, the hospital was good enough to let me go home.  They ordered me an MRI and an EEG, and they got an antibiotic for my uti.  I developed a splitting headache after the MRI, and had to beg for some painkillers.  (Why does it take them so long to get it?)  Since no one was sure if the d-mannose had anything to do with my seizure, they told me to stop taking it.  I was told I could not drive for six months, and I had to schedule an appointment with a neurologist within a week.

I was finally able to leave the hospital at about 6 or 6:30.  Caleb, Silas, and I were all still in our pajamas.  (No big deal for Silas, though!)  I looked like a fright, because the EEG required all sorts of things to be stuck to my hair, and I pretty much could have been the bride of Frankenstein.

I was so relieved to be able to go home, and that I didn't need to be away from Silas.  On Thursday, Brian went back to work for half the day, and I had Brian's mom with me to help out.  She stayed through Friday morning, and I remember that the minute she left, I felt all sorts of fear.  It was the first time I was alone since my seizure.  What if I had another?  What if I had a seizure and hurt my boys?  I had done some research and found out that postpartum seizures were not uncommon.  Being sleep-deprived is another cause of seizures, and I am indeed that with a month old baby to nurse at night!

I was happy to have Brian home for the weekend, and so happy to not be alone again, but it was hard to let him go this morning!  It's like all the sudden I don't trust myself to care for my own boys.

I'm trying to cling to the Lord during this time as we await our appointment with the neurologist, where we will hopefully get some answers.  (Though, not necessarily.  My sister had a seizure when she was 13, and they never found the cause.)

For now, I am trying to cling to the Lord in spite of my fears.  This is a hard time, for sure.  I feel lonelier than ever, stuck in the house, trapped, and overall just scared.

This is my arm 4 days after the fall.

Silas: One Month

Dear Silas,

These weeks have flown by!  I can't believe you are one month old already!  No longer can I call you a newborn because you have officially graduated into big boy territory!

Our house is so much richer and fuller now that you are here.  It took your brother a few weeks, but he is now giving you kisses and trying to stroke your head whenever he can.  I hold my breath a bit, because Caleb is rather rough around the edges.  He did manage to throw a Mega Blok that landed directly on your face today.  You cried, and I was near tears myself.

You love to sleep next to me.  I don't plan it that way, and you certainly sleep in your bassinet, too, but sometimes we both fall asleep while you are nursing.  Sometimes, like last night, you were so fussy (and I was exhausted) that I gave up and just brought you to bed with me.  You seem so content to be nestled near me.  While it is beautiful, and in theory I like it, I don't always like the crick in my neck that comes as a result.  But you are worth it.

You are absolutely beautiful.  Your blue eyes are so alert, and you love to watch whoever is in front of you.  I believe you recognize me, because you sort of give me a look that says, or at least I interpret it to say, "Oh, it's you.  I know you.  I am at home with you.  I am safe with you."

You are a grunter.  Such a noisy baby you are!  Any sort of discomfort is dealt with and communicated in a grunt.  Whether you have spit up that is working its way up, you need to burp, or you are trying to do #2, you are grunting.  You are also fussy!  There are times I truly don't know what to do with you.  You can be unhappy being held, walked around, rocked in the chair, etc. During the day, nursing is your number one comfort, and the second is your swing.  In the evening, you are almost inconsolable.  It is all I can do to take a quick shower.  Daddy watches you, but nothing usually works to calm you, and he happily turns you over to me so I can nurse you.

Nursing has been an issue for us.  You have nursed in quick sessions since birth, but with more frequency than normal.  I worried about you for the first couple of weeks, terrified that you were not eating enough, and after a trip to the doctor's confirmed you were indeed gaining weight, I finally relaxed.  I'm still not sure why you nurse in so many frequent, short sessions, but I have accepted that this is just your way for right now.  As long as you are healthy, that is my main concern.

Your Daddy and I love you.  We look forward to watching you grow and interact with your big brother.  No doubt, we'll have our hands full with the two of you!  I often gaze at you and wonder just what your personality will be.   I can't wait to find out!

Silas, welcome to our family, our home, and our hearts.  We love you!

Love always,
Your mama

Me, Lord?

Back in March, we found out our baby's gender.  I wrote on this blog about how we both wanted a girl.  We already had one boy, and I went into this last pregnancy thinking this was absolutely the last baby we were having.  After all, I am getting older, and I don't want to be a grandmother to my own children.  I have always dreamed of having a girl of my own- someone to read Anne of Green Gables and Little House on the Prairie books with, and when she's older, someone with whom to share my love of Jane Austen.  Brian and I have a name picked out from Caleb's pregnancy, since we didn't know what we were having.  We often refer to her by her name, as if she is a person who is meant to be here, but just isn't in existence yet.  Sometimes I'll say aloud, "I wonder if we'll ever have our _____  _____."

When we purchased this house, we knew we were making a bit of a sacrifice.  We had been turning down homes that were only two bedroom, thinking that we wanted three bedrooms, one for us, and two for our children if we had a boy and a girl.  This house was in great shape, and such a good deal, that we decided to go ahead and get it anyway.  I remember clearly thinking, "Oh, well.  Maybe we'll have two girls.  Then they can share the bedroom."  I also thought that if we did have a boy and a girl they could share the room when they were small.

I was so convinced I was meant to have a girl, that I was sort of stupefied when the ultrasound technician declared we were having a second boy.  This was the whole reason we wanted to know the gender in advance.  If we were to have a boy, I didn't want any disappointment in the delivery room. I didn't want to build up such strong hopes of having a girl, bursting with anticipation, only to be like a balloon losing its air as I learned the news.  This was perhaps the best decision we made.

The technician said, "I think I know what it is."  Then we waited for him to confirm his thoughts. Brian was behind me a ways, not close enough to touch me, holding Caleb in his lap.  Then the technician said, "It's a boy.  Definitely."  I strained to see what he was looking at, and yes, I had to agree with him.

For a second, I couldn't look at Brian.  I just sat sort of still, not wanting to be disappointed, because, after all, I was having a child!  Who cares what it is?  Two children are more than many can boast. But, folks, I am human.  It did hurt.  When I could finally turn to look at Brian, he had a sympathetic look on his face, and mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."

While Brian was a bit disappointed, too, he was able to get over it a lot faster.  After all, he is a man! Two boys!  Hurray!  Two boys to carry on the name; two boys to tackle and wrestle on the living room floor.  But me?  I asked, "Me, Lord?  What am I supposed to do with two boys?  One I can handle, but two?"

You see, folks, I am a girly-girl.  I have not one athletic bone in my body.  Gym was my worst subject in school.  I'd rather bake cookies in the kitchen than run around the yard.  How do I handle all this energy?  Jumping off furniture?  Getting skinned knees every other day?  Caleb is already strong, and quite frankly, he could beat me up if he wanted to. (And sometimes he does.)  I was scared I wouldn't be able to be a good mother to two boys.

I needed the time, before Silas was born, to adjust my thinking.  I was going to have another son. Instead of fearing it, I decided to look at it as a blessing.  Caleb was going to have a little brother, and a best friend!  I started to become eager to see how their personalities would be different.  Yes, both are boys, but their personalities will surely differ as the sun and the moon.

I can't deny that both my sons make my heart melt in a way that perhaps a girl never would, simply because they are boys.  When my Caleb gives me a kiss, I am as twitterpated as a young woman newly in love.

Over the course of the next few months, I was able to fully come to grips with the idea that we were not having a daughter.  We decided to name our son "Silas" when we were 35 weeks along, and when I had another ultrasound not long after, I wasn't hoping the first technician was wrong and that we'd be told different news.  I had fully embraced our boy by then.  When she confirmed that he was, indeed, a boy, I was happy to reaffirm our Silas.

Am I still sad I don't have a girl?  Yes, but I am not sad to have two boys.  They are two different things.

After we found out we were having another boy, Brian asked me not to close the door on having another child.  I really wanted this to be my last pregnancy, because, let's face it, it is no fun being pregnant.  Nor is going through labor.  I am not 25 years old with plenty of time left.  However, I heard what Brian was asking.  We're not declaring this to be our last pregnancy, but we aren't declaring that we will try for another either.  With both pregnancies, I charted and planned and tried to get pregnant. We don't plan to do that at all.  We are not going to try to get pregnant again, nor are we going to try not to, unless I have a particular health reason.

I have left it in God's hands.  After all, we could end up pregnant with a third son!  Who knows?! For now, I'm letting God worry about the future.  I am enjoying my two sons and the wonderful blessings that they are.  If they are the only two children I ever have, they are more than enough. Even if I never have a daughter.

**Just as I finished writing this post, I looked up to see Silas staring at me.  He was asleep, but just woke up.  He was looking right into my eyes, and I smiled back at him.  He's already a fixture in my heart.  I am so blessed to have these two boys.