Waiting For the Sunshine

Hold Me, Jesus
Well, sometimes my life

Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

~ Rich Mullins

This song has been flowing throughout my mind lately like a steady stream of water, and it is been a comfort. Confession?  I was on a praise dance team in college, briefly.  What in the world is that? It was very simple, actually, just a few girls who came together and danced for the Lord.  Sounds weird, right?  It isn't something I'd do today as a full-blown adult, but I can assure you, it wasn't weird.  It was choreographed dancing, not just some busting out of moves spontaneously.  We danced in a circle and faced each other so that it wasn't showy or for a performance.  It was actually quite lovely.  We wore long, flowing skirts, and our desire truly was to praise God.  This was one of the songs we danced to, and while I don't remember many of the movements, I do remember we fell on our knees at the part where it says so in the song, in unison, with our heads bowed.

Lately, I feel as though I have been shaking like a leaf.  There is so much on my mind, and I am so overwhelmed... it is truly a tough season in my life.  What in the world should I be worried about?  I am a stay-at-home mom, for goodness' sake.  Well, we all have our issues, every last one of us.  I am not one to hide and pretend like it is all fine.  It is a difficult road right now, and I'm not afraid to admit it.  With me, you will ALWAYS get the truth.  I could not fake it if I tried.

I am turning toward Jesus for my strength, peace, and comfort.  We are down a hard path with Caleb, who is relishing disobedience in almost every area, and some days, I am ready to walk out the door for a few minutes for a breath of fresh air.  It makes me feel totally inadequate as a mother that I just can't seem to get him to obey easily, and then when people chime in with their thoughts, and say, "You'd better get on that!" it makes me feel even worse, especially when I am doing just that, every single day.  

I put a lot of pressure on myself to take care of my home, and more so, now that my nesting instincts are at full force, with another baby coming this summer.  I feel DESPERATE to clean everything in the home, and it seems like no matter how hard I work, nothing ever really gets accomplished.  I know that isn't true, but I see all the work I STILL need to do, and with a toddler underfoot, it is hard to get what I want done in a decent amount of time.  I have quite a few projects started, like going through all my drawers and clothes, and then ripping apart Caleb's room in order to make room for another baby.  (Yes, he is sharing his room, boy or girl.  That was decided long before we knew the gender, since we really don't have a choice.)

I am a doer by nature.  It is very hard for me to sit back and relax.  In fact, when we were leaving the hospital after Caleb was born, I declined being wheeled out in a wheelchair. Goodness, I have two legs, why in the world would I need that? When we brought the cart FULL of stuff (our own luggage/gear plus the things the hospital gave us), I joined Brian in loading the car.  The nurse, whom I had just met that day, sized me up quickly. Very nicely, she told me to take it easy, and rest! Let my husband load the car, for goodness' sake! She cautioned me to go home and relax and take care of myself.  Did I do that?  Well... one day Brian came home from work (when my mom was still here after Caleb was born), and found me standing on a chair cleaning the semicircle window above our door.  So, yeah, probably not.

I worry, too, about Caleb and leaving him when we go to the hospital.  He's never been without us.  I have NEVER not been there to put him down at night.  NEVER.  Goodness, I'm not even sure I've missed a nap.  I worry about labor, now that I know just how ridiculously painful it is, and I so wish I could take a natural childbirth class, but I cannot.  I worry that if the baby comes a couple of weeks early, no one will be here to take care of Caleb when we have to rush off.  (Right now, my mom is planning to be here, but not two weeks early!)  And since we are quite alone here otherwise, needless to say, it is scary.

It's a lot.  My mind feels overwhelmed right now, and I feel so inadequate, so less that what I should be.  As a mother and full-time homemaker, there is so much pressure to have the perfect home. There shouldn't be a speck of dirt, right?  Goodness, don't look at my staircase.  With a bi-level, it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep those stairs clean, being you have no choice but to trudge up the stairs with your shoes.  I do vacuum them, but it looks like I never do.

All this to say, folks, I am as human as they come, full of flaws, and full of needing my Savior.  I need His peace and strength at this time, when I am shaking like a leaf, to keep me steady.  If I don't fix my eyes on Him, I'm a goner for sure.

Praise Him, that I am never alone through these dark days.  There is sunlight waiting to shine, and I know one day soon, I'll be basking in it.