This post, perhaps, is more for myself than for anyone else. For me, writing is a sweet release, a reprieve for just a few moments from the constant needs of two children, and a quiet friend who listens.
Let me just say that I don't worry what people think about me. I used to be extremely sensitive when I was a little girl, but I toughened up over the years. I am FAR harder on myself than anyone else probably would be.
So here is my confession: I have postpartum depression.
It is a tough thing to admit, being that I am a Christian. I shouldn't be depressed, should I? I have the Lord, and the promise of eternal life. I have so many things to be grateful for: my husband, my two boys, my home, my family, etc., etc., etc.
However, while I don't understand everything about postpartum depression, I do know that it is largely hormonal. Beyond that, for me, it has been a tough shift from going from one child to two. It is very hard to stay on top of these two and their incessant needs. Sometimes I wonder when mommy ever gets to do something for herself. Other times, I look in the mirror and I wonder where in the world Courtney went.
I am insanely overwhelmed these days, and I am overly anxious. All housework feels insurmountable and I feel like I always need to be working, trying to chip away and get the things done that need to get done. (This is a symptom of postpartum depression.)
Silas wakes up at night more than necessary, and the loss of sleep can make me crazy. What happens is that babies develop a night waking habit, and they don't know how to return to sleep on their own. This is especially true for breastfed babies. This happened with Caleb, and it is happening again now. In time, I know I can fix it, but for various reasons, it is hard right now.
It is also very hard getting Silas to take a nap. It takes a lot of effort on my part, which also isn't easy when I have a toddler who needs attention.
I know I've said this before and I'll say it again, it is very lonely living away from family. There's no one to call or to have come over and just give me a break. People might tell me that I can call them, but the truth is, I would only want family over in my house. It is hard to let any old person see you at your worst. Having someone over for a cup of tea is really impossible for me right now.
Lastly, as I am writing this, both boys are crying in their cribs. I spent quite a bit of time trying to get Silas down, only to have him in hysterics. Caleb woke up after an hour of sleep and began to wail, which is unusual, but starting to happen more lately.
When can mommy get the chance to cry, I wonder? I would sorely love to do so.
If you read this, I could use your prayers. Know that I am grateful for my blessings, but it is a difficult road right now.
P.S. I wrote this post because I feel that people are way too fake. With me, you will ALWAYS get the truth. I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I am blessed by others who are honest and real. I LOVE my boys, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I don't regret becoming a mother, and I know this is a temporary thing. Right now, though, it is a "Goliath" in my life. Perhaps the Lord will send a David to knock him down for me.
