This post is a bit of a continuation from yesterday's.
I love my Caleb. He is a darling little boy who brings light and love to our lives. I almost forget what my life was like before we had him.
Perhaps the most difficult thing of parenting is when you realize you've made a mistake somewhere, and now you are faced with the guilt and anxiety of trying to fix it.
Caleb is not a great sleeper, and for a while I was of the belief that it was just him. I now know otherwise. I realize now that the amount I knew about baby sleep could fit into a grain of salt. There is a whole science behind it, and if the parent doesn't get it right, it can lead to sleep deprivation in the child (and the parent!). I myself have been somewhat sleep-deprived since Caleb was born, but no matter. I care more about him than myself.
When things got hard, I turned to "things" to help Caleb sleep: the swing, the car, the vacuum, nursing. I had thought it was normal. I've heard of plenty of parents who have taken the baby out for a ride just to get them to sleep. Now I realize that is avoiding the real problem. I had thought that babies slept pretty easily, but they don't. The right sleep window needs to be created for them.
So I'm learning, though a bit late, not too late, I hope, to turn things around. I'm working on it, but it will take some time. There is much improvement in just a couple of nights with nighttime sleep, but those stubborn naps still keep driving me crazy.
I love being Caleb's mommy, but boy, I hate it when I realize I've done him wrong! This for me is the hardest part.
Caleb is now saying "ma ma" though it sometimes comes out as "meh meh". It is the cutest thing! Let's hope this "meh meh" does right by him! Though the past few days I've declared myself to be the worst mother in the world (don't argue with me), I am his mama. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
