One of the ladies at church was gushing over this new shirt of Caleb's. She said to Brian, "You have some competition here!" Indeed, he does! A mother's heart melts when it comes to her little boy. When Caleb leans in close and gives me a kiss, I am completely twitterpated. I don't know if God will bless us with another child, but if He does, I hope it is a little girl, so that Brian can experience that daddy-daughter bond.
However, Caleb is no angel. We are in the throes of toddler-hood, and it is not easy. He makes demands, he throws fits, and he has even slapped me in the face.
I've been thinking lately how different my life is now compared to what it used to be. My old life and my new life are worlds apart, and not just because I moved from NJ to PA. I used to be a full-time, working woman. I remember when I was teaching, I would often drive to my sister's house after work so that I could visit with my nieces (and for a brief time, my nephews). I am sure I used to be a little envious of her life, not in a jealous rage sort of way, just in a "I'd like this life for myself!" kind of way. It was what I always wanted: to be a stay-at-home mom. Old-fashioned at heart, I knew I'd always be satisfied making a home. I could care less about a career.
In those days, I looked the part. I was polished and professional. My outfits were sharp; my lessons were well-planned. My desk was always neat and orderly, never a paper out of place. In my classroom, everything was where it was supposed to be.
I would dream then about a different life. A husband, children, a home of my own. Now that I have that life, it is fun to look back. I don't miss it, not really. Sometimes I miss teaching literature, because it is my passion, but I don't miss being a working woman, and that's not because I'm lazy. (I'm not.)
However, I am a different kind of working woman. There are many facets to my job. There are many things on my never-ending "to do" list. Instead of seventy or so students, I take care of two men full-time, both of whom couldn't do without me. (Yes, even the big one.) :)
Perhaps what I didn't know then was how hard it would be. I love it, but as with everything that is truly worth having, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Training a child, loving him, teaching him, molding him- it is hard work.
I had a rough day last Friday. Caleb and I went to Kohl's, and since it is forty-five or so minutes away, it is a big trip. I was doing a little shopping for Brian's birthday, and I was trying so hard to rush around the store, knowing I didn't have too much time because I had to get Caleb home for his second nap. He became very restless on the checkout line, and started to let out a few wails while I was paying. He calmed down when I pushed him to the car, but then, he charged up again when I put him in the car seat. Since he had never done this sort of thing before when we've been out, I figured he would stop and calm down. Except he didn't. He continued to wail for the majority of the ride home, and I was driving like a maniac, trying so hard to hurry home. All the while, my head was screaming in pain.
Later that day when Brian came home from work, I was done in. I said to Brian, "He's all yours. I need a break." Brian encouraged me to run down the street and treat myself to an iced coffee, but since it was so close to dinner (I am ever so responsible!), I told him I'd head out on Saturday morning instead.
And so I did. It wasn't a long trip. I ran a couple of errands, and I got my iced coffee, and I did it all by myself. It felt so good to go out, even if only briefly, as just Courtney. I so rarely get to go out by myself, because we don't have any grandparents or aunts/uncles around to watch Caleb if I have an appointment. I don't want to be away from Caleb, but sometimes, a few minutes to myself does a world of good. I came home feeling refreshed and more like myself again.
All this rambling to say that I love my life; I wouldn't trade it for anything. Taking care of my two guys brings me so much contentment and fulfillment, but I cannot do it without God. I cannot do it on my own strength. Thank goodness, He gives me what I need to be the best mom I can be. These days, I don't look polished or professional. I grab what's easy to put on and run out the door. Instead of a classroom to keep orderly, I am forever picking up crumbs my toddler has left in a trail.
Still, I'd rather have this life. Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful purpose!
