Back in March, we found out our baby's gender. I wrote on this blog about how we both wanted a girl. We already had one boy, and I went into this last pregnancy thinking this was absolutely the last baby we were having. After all, I am getting older, and I don't want to be a grandmother to my own children. I have always dreamed of having a girl of my own- someone to read Anne of Green Gables and Little House on the Prairie books with, and when she's older, someone with whom to share my love of Jane Austen. Brian and I have a name picked out from Caleb's pregnancy, since we didn't know what we were having. We often refer to her by her name, as if she is a person who is meant to be here, but just isn't in existence yet. Sometimes I'll say aloud, "I wonder if we'll ever have our _____ _____."
When we purchased this house, we knew we were making a bit of a sacrifice. We had been turning down homes that were only two bedroom, thinking that we wanted three bedrooms, one for us, and two for our children if we had a boy and a girl. This house was in great shape, and such a good deal, that we decided to go ahead and get it anyway. I remember clearly thinking, "Oh, well. Maybe we'll have two girls. Then they can share the bedroom." I also thought that if we did have a boy and a girl they could share the room when they were small.
I was so convinced I was meant to have a girl, that I was sort of stupefied when the ultrasound technician declared we were having a second boy. This was the whole reason we wanted to know the gender in advance. If we were to have a boy, I didn't want any disappointment in the delivery room. I didn't want to build up such strong hopes of having a girl, bursting with anticipation, only to be like a balloon losing its air as I learned the news. This was perhaps the best decision we made.
The technician said, "I think I know what it is." Then we waited for him to confirm his thoughts. Brian was behind me a ways, not close enough to touch me, holding Caleb in his lap. Then the technician said, "It's a boy. Definitely." I strained to see what he was looking at, and yes, I had to agree with him.
For a second, I couldn't look at Brian. I just sat sort of still, not wanting to be disappointed, because, after all, I was having a child! Who cares what it is? Two children are more than many can boast. But, folks, I am human. It did hurt. When I could finally turn to look at Brian, he had a sympathetic look on his face, and mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."
While Brian was a bit disappointed, too, he was able to get over it a lot faster. After all, he is a man! Two boys! Hurray! Two boys to carry on the name; two boys to tackle and wrestle on the living room floor. But me? I asked, "Me, Lord? What am I supposed to do with two boys? One I can handle, but two?"
You see, folks, I am a girly-girl. I have not one athletic bone in my body. Gym was my worst subject in school. I'd rather bake cookies in the kitchen than run around the yard. How do I handle all this energy? Jumping off furniture? Getting skinned knees every other day? Caleb is already strong, and quite frankly, he could beat me up if he wanted to. (And sometimes he does.) I was scared I wouldn't be able to be a good mother to two boys.
I needed the time, before Silas was born, to adjust my thinking. I was going to have another son. Instead of fearing it, I decided to look at it as a blessing. Caleb was going to have a little brother, and a best friend! I started to become eager to see how their personalities would be different. Yes, both are boys, but their personalities will surely differ as the sun and the moon.
I can't deny that both my sons make my heart melt in a way that perhaps a girl never would, simply because they are boys. When my Caleb gives me a kiss, I am as twitterpated as a young woman newly in love.
Over the course of the next few months, I was able to fully come to grips with the idea that we were not having a daughter. We decided to name our son "Silas" when we were 35 weeks along, and when I had another ultrasound not long after, I wasn't hoping the first technician was wrong and that we'd be told different news. I had fully embraced our boy by then. When she confirmed that he was, indeed, a boy, I was happy to reaffirm our Silas.
Am I still sad I don't have a girl? Yes, but I am not sad to have two boys. They are two different things.
After we found out we were having another boy, Brian asked me not to close the door on having another child. I really wanted this to be my last pregnancy, because, let's face it, it is no fun being pregnant. Nor is going through labor. I am not 25 years old with plenty of time left. However, I heard what Brian was asking. We're not declaring this to be our last pregnancy, but we aren't declaring that we will try for another either. With both pregnancies, I charted and planned and tried to get pregnant. We don't plan to do that at all. We are not going to try to get pregnant again, nor are we going to try not to, unless I have a particular health reason.
I have left it in God's hands. After all, we could end up pregnant with a third son! Who knows?! For now, I'm letting God worry about the future. I am enjoying my two sons and the wonderful blessings that they are. If they are the only two children I ever have, they are more than enough. Even if I never have a daughter.
**Just as I finished writing this post, I looked up to see Silas staring at me. He was asleep, but just woke up. He was looking right into my eyes, and I smiled back at him. He's already a fixture in my heart. I am so blessed to have these two boys.
