Finally, finally. At last, I have a few minutes to sit down and reflect. Pen and paper (or keys and screen in this case), words and sentences, beckon me. The written word is like an old friend. It listens, quietly. I am able to pour out my heart all I want, and it does not interrupt. It does not ask questions. It does not contradict or give opinions. It simply slips its arm around my shoulders and listens.
I love this little blog. It is my quiet little space on the internet. I do not seek many followers. It is here for our family, but, if I am being honest, it is mostly for myself. You can see my posts have been dwindling the latter part of this year. As Silas has grown, so has his need for attention, and just taking care of things in the kitchen is difficult enough. Never mind sitting down to write on my blog!
Brian always says I work too hard and I need to relax. Perhaps he is right, but as a mother and a homemaker, I do not see what putting my feet up and lounging on the couch will accomplish. I work hard, and yet, so many things go undone. The boys come first; the dust does not. I work hard on the things that MUST be done. Cooking, meal planning, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, and laundry are the main chores I focus on (yes, ironing and vacuuming, too). Honestly, I haven't dusted in months. Probably since before Silas was born. I used to dust every week when I was a little girl, but that chore has moved to the back burner as a mom.
So, here I am, sneaking in a few minutes at the end of the day, to pour out my heart.
For the past five years, every year has had a monumental event. Brian and I were engaged and married in 2011. In 2012, we bought our house, and a mere two weeks or so later, I was pregnant. Caleb was born in 2013, and then I became pregnant again in 2014. And of course, our darling Silas came four months ago. (If that weren't enough, I even had a postpartum seizure, too.)
It has been a whirlwind, for sure.
I wouldn't change any of it. When I look into the faces of my boys, sometimes I can't believe I am their mother. I was single for so long, it seemed, and I wondered when I was teaching at my old school if I'd ever get married. I remember those days, and I wonder what that Courtney then would think if she could see this Courtney now. In some ways, we are two different people.
We have no big plans for 2016. More than likely, we will be breaking the trend that has endured for five years. Whether or not we will have another child is something only God knows. Brian and I do wonder about it and talk about it, and for sure and for certain, if I could sneak a peek into the future, much like reading the end of the novel when I am only halfway through, I would. However, even if we were going to deliberately try for another (which, more than likely, we won't), we would not try so soon. We are content to have only two, yet something beckons us to be open should God have other plans.
So for now, we will keep on keeping on. We look forward to all the firsts that will come with Silas: crawling, standing, first steps, first words. We will watch as Caleb continues to grow and thrive as the active little boy he is. If I were to change anything at all, I would only change myself, and it is my heart's cry that I become more like Him, and that the sinful, selfish Courtney would fade more and more each day.
May God mold me and shape me, so that I can reflect more of His goodness and grace. My goal in 2016 is not to exercise or lose weight, or eat more healthfully (although, that is something I am always aiming to do). My goal is to be a better wife to my darling husband and a better mother to my precious boys.
If I can do that, it will be another monumental year, indeed.
