Dearest Caleb,
I still remember the exact moment we first made eye contact. I had just learned that you were a boy, only a few moments before, and then you were promptly handed to me. We had only settled on your name at the end of my pregnancy, but it was ready in my heart and on my lips. As they passed you to me, your eyes were looking right at mine. I held you close and said, "Caleb".
You, dearest boy, asked me for a little sister, months before we thought such a thing was possible. A little girl had been on our hearts for years, but we thought it was a dream that needed to be buried. God has His ways of speaking to us, and I believe He started that day when He prompted your request.
I am so excited to see what this next stage in our family will mean for you. Sure, you are already a big brother. There are times you look out for Silas. But you were still so small when he was born. This will be different. I believe that all that is good and protective in you will rise to the forefront. You already love your sister. I know you are going to watch her every move and facial expressions. In the beginning, there may not be a whole lot for you to do, but just you wait. In time, you'll be fetching her toys and chasing after her when she crawls. I trust you to be an extra set of eyes for me. I know you are up for the task, and I KNOW that being a big, big brother, is going to bring out some awesome things in you.
I can't wait for you to meet your long-awaited baby sister. You asked for her, sweet boy. I'm so glad you get to see God answer your request.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Dear Silas Lover-Boy,
Oh, my little man! Ever since you were old enough to return smiles, you have gazed at me like I am the sun, the moon, and the stars combined. I have many nicknames for you, but one of them is "Lover". That is what you are: my little boy lover.
This is going to be a big change for you. You are used to having me to yourself and as much as you want. You may spend less time on my lap than when you were smaller, but you still take delight in snuggling with me any time you feel like it or hurtling yourself toward me at full speed the moment I sit down. (Many times I have had to cover my belly when seeing you approach!)
I have tried to tell you about the baby in my belly. You have laid your head on my belly so many times I am sure our baby girl is familiar with your voice. But do you understand what is coming? Do you know that the cycle of this household will completely change, and that you, my darling boy, are not going to be the baby any more?
I don't know. Sometimes you seem to not understand many things at all, but then, all of the sudden, you shock us with something that seems like hidden genius. You just did this last week!
In any case, whether you know it or not, change is coming. Breakfast might not be put on the table as early as it always is. And my arms are going to be more full. I want to assure you that I will ALWAYS be there for you. I know how much you need snuggle time with me. You need to be in my face and feel my breath and bury your face into my neck. I will still be there for you. I'm not abandoning you. Yes, your little sister will be in my arms and in my lap, but you will always be loved. I will make sure I put aside time for just us.
I know it will take some time for you to get used to this new creature that is coming. You might be jealous. You might wonder when she's going to pack up her things and leave. But I prayed that this baby would be a "good thing" for both you and Caleb, and though we might have our initial bumps in the road, I believe that she will bring out the best in you, even if it takes a while.
I'm not going anywhere. Things might change, my love, but your mama will always love you, and I'll always be here. After all, I need your snuggles as much as you need mine.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
Dearest Darling Girl,
Words at times can fail us. This is one of those times. As I pause here for a moment, in these last few weeks of my pregnancy, on the threshold of meeting you, I am in awe.
One year ago, we had no idea what would await us this year. We were throwing baby things out thinking for sure that phase was over and gone.
Daddy and I have been calling you by your name for years, often using your first and middle names together. I picked out your name years ago, before I had ever met Daddy, and God told me I'd have a girl with your name. I remember the exact moment. I won't ever forget it, because God doesn't typically stop and get my attention quite like that.
When Daddy and I got married, we were a little older. I had thought we'd only squeeze in two children. After Silas was born, we figured that was it. I must have been wrong all those years ago when I thought I heard God speak to me. When seizures began to attack me, and the boys seemed to get worse, and of course I just got older, it seemed like an impossible dream.
And yet, and yet... we could not completely forget you. Daddy and I would talk about you to the point where you just seemed like a real person. We were waiting for you, even though we didn't see how it would ever happen.
Here we are, weeks away from finally meeting you. Dear girl, you are loved and have been loved long before you were a seed in my belly. Your Daddy is so excited to have a little girl of his very own, and I am watering right now at just that thought alone. You have made him so happy! I am thrilled, too. I am so close to my own mother. She is so much more than my mother, but she is also a very dear friend at this point in my life. I hope and pray that we will be close. I already dream of things like going shopping together and baking cookies on a snowy day while Daddy and your brothers are out shoveling. I look forward to teaching you about being a lady and what godly femininity is, how to dress modestly, and how to keep yourself pure. You can bet your boots that Daddy will be standing at the door with a shotgun when any guy comes a-knockin', and I will be happy to share with you how to guard your heart and wait for that right man to come.
Your Daddy was that good man for me. Oh, he's gonna love you so much! He's already dreaming about Daddy-Daughter dates. He's going to affirm you and tell you how special you are and no one's opinion is going to matter more than his, until the day he gives you away at a glorious altar wearing a beautiful gown of white. You're his little girl, and you can rest assured he's going to protect you with all that he is.
As I write, the words are getting blurry on the screen. I might be terrified at what's to come: a newborn baby, and middle of the night feeds and changes, along with two rowdy and crazy boys who are up long before dawn. But I am also in awe of what God has done and is doing, right this very moment.
I have enjoyed and savored this pregnancy. I haven't been in a rush for it to end. Sure, I miss my regular clothes and I can't wait to not have to use the restroom so much. The aches and pains are getting worse this late in the game, and I sure won't miss those either.
I have enjoyed your stay inside of me. This is the last time I will experience a child in my womb, and I will be sad to see it end. But oh, I won't be sad for too long. You'll be in our arms!
We'll see you soon, sweetheart. Stay tight until then.
I love you.
Love,
Mama
