I am due three months from tomorrow (when you look at the calendar), but I enter my third trimester in six days. It is startling how quickly it goes. When I was a mere seven weeks, this point seemed so far away.
More and more and I think about that day. THAT day. The day I have dreaded/anticipated/desired all my life. The day that the mysteries of childbirth unfold into reality and I learn firsthand about the worst and best pain that exists in all the world.
I've been fearing it as long as I can remember. I've never been physically strong, and things seem to hurt me more than the average person. If I'm honest with myself, I am nervous. In these past few months, I've been reading about childbirth and trying to change my own view of the pain- to not one of dread- but anticipation that the baby is indeed coming. All of the intense pains will lead to my body opening the door to let my little one out. This isn't a thing to be dreaded at all!
Still, there are so many unknowns in childbirth, and it is enough to make a woman scared. It is at these times I turn to the Lord and put it all in His hands, and I feel peace. Sure, things can go wrong, but He already knows, and it gives me great comfort.
I keep trying to picture that day at the hospital, with Brian at my side. I can see myself laboring and Brian encouraging me. A woman gives of herself entirely in labor. She pours herself out and uses all of her strength to bring her little one into the world. I can imagine the thousand feelings I will go through at that moment. I'm sure I'll be exhausted, spent, and more tired than a thousand trips back and forth across the planet could make a person. I imagine that I'll cry tears of joy: tears for seeing my baby for the first time, tears of relief because it's all over, tears because I've waited all my life for this moment. I imagine that when I see Brian hold our baby for the first time, I'll be crying then, too. I can't wait to see him as a daddy.
I may have always been on the weak side in terms of physical strength, but I'd like to think there exists within me a strength I have not seen yet, a strength that will emerge on that day I labor to bring my baby into the world. A mother would do most anything for her child, and I feel no different. I don't want to take any pain medications, because the baby gets them, too. I have spent my whole pregnancy avoiding eating/drinking anything that can harm baby; why would I want to abandon that at the last moment? As for an epidural, don't even get me started about how I detest the mere thought of a needle in my spine and then having no feeling in my legs... not to mention that if the needle nicks the wrong spot, it can bring about a dreadful spinal headache that lasts for a couple of weeks. (Side note: my sister recently had a spinal headache from a procedure- not an epidural- and it was horrendous. She couldn't do anything at all but lie down.)
Will my labor go as I hope? Only God knows. I can prepare all I want, but it is useless if I don't lean on Him and hold His hand through it all. He is the one who made me and prepared me for this child. I may not trust my own strength, but I do trust Him- completely. That gives me a greater comfort over any worries my mind can conjure. Thank you, Lord, that I can cast all my anxieties on You.
