For me, writing is a form of therapy. I've always liked to write, though perhaps my preferred style has changed over the years. When I was in middle school and high school, I was an avid poet. I filled many journals, mostly with poems that were about the Lord.
Poetry is no longer my cup of tea. I prefer ordinary prose which says it like it is. I don't have the time these days to write as I'd like. I've got a baby that needs constant love, attention, and care. Sometimes a blog post is written with a few brief minutes I have to spare, and simply may not be the most well-written, but I still value this little space of mine where I document the blessings and burdens of life, and it is a sweet compilation to me of the ups and downs.
Today I am choosing to smile. I have been hung-up on, nay, OBSESSED with fixing all the wrongs in regards to Caleb's sleep. I was determined to do it all BY THE BOOK. I had to get it right, gosh darn it.
We decided to let Caleb cry it out. For nighttime sleep, it worked pretty much like a dream. He's doing great! He went from having frequent night awakenings to hardly any. (Everybody has awakenings. The point is getting back to sleep quickly and easily.) He's doing fantastic and I couldn't be more proud.
His naps were another story. We tried cry it out for about two weeks, and it simply wasn't working. He would either cry and miss his nap, cry for a while and have a ridiculously short nap (10-20 minutes), or cry and sleep, cry and sleep, only to still have a short nap.
He was becoming increasingly more fearful of his crib, which he never used to be. He used to play happily in there. Now not so. Simply carry him to the rail and the crying would begin. It was getting to be too much for all of us.
Brian and I talked, and we decided to let it be, for now. I will continue to rock, nurse, or do whatever I have to do to get Caleb to nap, according to HIS schedule. The book says two naps, but Caleb needs three simply because he only naps a half hour. It is what it is. Though I certainly do want him to become an independent napper, for now, we think it is best to let go. Perhaps it is too much. He has made huge strides in sleeping overnight. Perhaps we need to enjoy that victory for now.
I was getting so caught up in this sleep obsession that I was almost forgetting to enjoy being a mommy- dreading the next nap and all the crying. This is such a short time in his life, and it is silly to get all worked up over such things.
Sometimes, I need to learn to let go, and simply "let it be". If you were to come to my house right now, you'd see it is, um, rather messy. I was sick earlier this week, and this is the first day I feel like myself again. (Brian even had to stay home from work and help me care for Caleb. I was too weak to do it on my own.) I am looking now at the mess and I am choosing to play with my son instead. The mess will get cleaned up. And when it is cleaned up, there will be other messes to clean. My son, however, will not always be eight months old.
Sometimes, even this tightly-wound girl can learn to loosen up. "It's all right," I'm telling myself. And you know what, I am actually listening. For today, at least!
