I think I have a few moments here. Laundry is hanging on the dry rack; ironing is done. Silas is down for a nap, and this second nap is the only one that has started to lengthen, instead of being a mere half hour. Caleb is down, too, after a scolding for getting up out of his bed and playing with the blinds.
Cup of tea beside me, along with two chocolate chip cookies that I made yesterday, I am pausing for a moment or two, before the next task. (Cleaning the inside and outside of the fridge, if you wanted to know.)
I wanted to give an update on Caleb and let you all know what is going on. Brian and I thank you so much for your prayers for him; please don't stop!
We took Caleb to a neurologist, and he was not diagnosed with autism, but he has clear autistic traits and maladaptive tendencies. (Meaning, he does not cope at all well with any type of change in his routine.) We were relieved that he was not diagnosed with autism, and that is due to the fact that he is not off in his own world. He is easily engaged, makes excellent eye contact, and is very responsive.
However, even having that behind us, it doesn't exactly make life easier here. Caleb has his good days and his bad. We are in the middle of a bad few right now. We just transferred Caleb from his crib to his toddler bed (we held off for a time because we weren't sure how he'd react to the change), and it has mostly gone well, but he keeps waking up in the middle of the night, much like he did when he first "snapped" in February. We go to him sometimes, but other times, we have to let him cry-it-out, much like we do Silas. He can't think that he can control us and that we will come running every time, and mainly his issues are in his head, meaning, we can't fix it anyway. Last night, Brian and I had both been to him separately, at least three times between us, and he woke up once again, screaming in the middle of the night. We had to let him be, and he fell asleep on his own.
I joke around and refer to Caleb as my "boss", not to him, but when I talk about him to others, because many times it feels like it. I feel like I have to have everything just right, or else he has a fit or a colossal tantrum. It is exhausting. I can do everything right, but still miss something in his mind. It is hard on me, to be with him all day without a break, and have to have such strict demands placed on me, all day long. I have had some tough bosses in my day (Sheila, I'm looking at you!), but he is far more demanding and far less patient.
We took him to a doctor I was already seeing in NJ for my seizures. I won't go into the details of the doctor here in this forum, but he is a homeopathic doctor, and we wanted to see if he could help. He found a mutating virus in Caleb's body, very likely caused by a vaccine I had gotten a mere few weeks before I was pregnant with him. This vaccine haunted me all throughout my pregnancy, and I basically lived in fear that Caleb would have autism, because I knew that having a vaccine when pregnant could cause autism in the child. Since I wasn't yet pregnant, I was not in that mindset at that time, and stupidly agreed to have the vaccine. If I could rewind the clock, I would. Since I cannot, I can only move forward and continue to help Caleb however I can. This doctor is putting him on some homeopathic medications, and time will show if they are effective.
We are continuing to look into speech therapy options for Caleb, since his current program ends next month, when he turns three. We will continue to see the neurologist as he advises us, and we are still awaiting for insurance to give permission for several tests that Caleb needs.
Switching gears now to Silas, he still is not sleeping through the night. Folks, I don't want to hear that cry-it-out is a magic cure-all, because it is NOT. We have been doing it day after day, to no avail. He continues to wake before 4 (the time I wanted to wait until to nurse him) once or even twice, and his times can vary, and it is just ridiculous. Brian has pretty much given up sleeping in our bedroom, and I have been back and forth, some nights in our room, and other nights on the cramped love seat.
How I miss being able to read before bed, in my own bed, before settling down at night! It is a distant memory...
When we can put the boys together is a date in the future that only the Lord knows. Silas screams loud enough to wake the neighbors, and Caleb wakes screaming, too, as I said above. So putting them together means we will have two children wide awake instead of one. Also, Caleb is rough with Silas during the day. I have seen him hitting him, poking him in the eye, etc. He lacks the maturity to know to deal with him gently at all times. Caleb can easily get his arms in the crib slats, and I worry for Silas, when that day comes.
These are the burdens we bear. It is not easy. I am weary, more weary that I care to admit. So many things just seem unfix-able, no matter how hard I try. I do give my burdens to Jesus, but I guess I am not so good at leaving them there, when day after day, nothing changes. I am a pathetic Christian, I know.
As always, thank you for listening and allowing me to share my burdens with you. It does make them a wee bit lighter. Thank you.
