This month, Caleb will be turning three, and Silas will be nine months. It is hard to believe!
We've had our trials, recently, in fact, we are currently in them.
I decided to do another round of cry-it-out with Silas. I tried in March, unsuccessfully, for several weeks. Either he wasn't ready or I don't know what, but it didn't work. I needed a break from all the crying, so I went back to getting up with him.
Needless to say, I was exhausted.
After being up with him way too much last week, I decided it was time to try again. This means I have to sleep out in the living room, because no way do I want to listen to him cry while right next to him in the same room. Not to mention, I don't want him to hear me or sense my presence, thus making the crying more intense. "Mama, you are right there. Why are you not picking me up?"
I began this round either Friday night or Saturday night. (I forget- I'd have to look back in my notebook.) It is going okay. He still wakes up to cry in the middle of the night, but from what I can tell, he is waking up later. Before, he was waking up at 11 or even earlier, but he is making it past that time. It varies night to night. Sometimes he sleeps until 2 and cries it out then. Last night he made it until about 3:45. I don't go to him until at least 5. When Caleb was a baby, he always woke up for the day around 5 or 5:15, so I think it is reasonable to go and nurse him and that time. This morning he woke at about 5:20 or so. I nursed him on my bed, and while he was wide awake at first, he eventually settled and went back to sleep. The only difficult thing is that he is on my bed, so I have to constantly check in on him while I go about getting things ready in the kitchen. Good thing my room is only a hop, skip, and a jump away!
We still don't know when we will put the boys together. How I wish Silas had his own room! But alas, that is not the case. We have much ado trying to get Caleb to bed. His needs are great and often, loony, to the rest of us. I hate putting him to bed without Brian, because it is that much work. Very stressful. He gets mad so easily. If you don't do one thing right, according to him, forget about it. He often goes down screaming, or wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. Not exactly an environment we want to bring our baby into. He is also very rough with Silas during the day, and I'm just not sure we can put Silas in the same room with him overnight, unchaperoned.
Since we have no other room in the upstairs of our bi-level to put him in, we have to give up our bedroom. I barely remember what it is like to sit on my bed and unwind, read a book, stretch out and relax, whatever, before bed. I have to sneak in the room like a thief, and try so hard not to wake him up.
Our difficulties with Caleb seem monumental, at least, from our current perspective. Perhaps one day we will look back and say, "That wasn't really all that bad." But from where we stand now, we are discouraged. We had such a battle the other night, that we called our pastor to ask him to pray. It is a combination of his autistic traits/lack of coping skills, combined with his in-your-face defiance. I never thought my own offspring could be so defiant, because I have hardly a defiant bone in my body. Now, I'm not saying I'm always perfect, but for as long as I can remember, I have obeyed the rules, even if I don't agree. Caleb is explosively defiant, and it seems no matter how hard we try, no matter how consistent we are with training, he keeps right on at it.
I don't have many people to reach out to here in my neck of the woods, but the few people that are here, I am trying to reach out to. It is time to ask for help. I am weary. I almost lost my sanity the other night after an intense battle with Caleb. I had to snap out of it and remind myself that though I cannot control Caleb, I can control myself.
Still, your prayers are appreciated. We need them, so please don't stop. Thank you!
