The boys are asleep. For now. Silas's naps have barely been happening, and Caleb is getting older, so some days he naps and some he doesn't. The written word is beckoning me, so here I am.
We all need to be heard. Understood. Validated. I suppose that's why I'm here.
This school year (since Brian is a teacher, I think of years going from Sept-June), has been one long dark season of the soul. I have greatly struggled with loneliness and depression.
Before I continue, this post is not about seeking advice. That is one of the worst things. I'm not looking for answers. I am simply needing to pour out my heart. To be heard. Understood. Validated.
This has been one of the hardest years of my life. Two seizures have kept me housebound with my boys, so instead of having the freedom to go for a car ride when things get crazy in the house (and they do!) we cannot do so. I have had UTIs consistently every month and half or so since Silas was born, and have been on more antibiotics than I care to admit. I have been sleep-deprived due to a baby that just won't sleep through the night.
More than any of this, I have been at a loss as to how to deal with Caleb at times. His behavior, due to the autism disorder, is enough to make me lose my sanity on the really bad days. Now, don't get me wrong. I love him to the ends of the earth. But, there are times I just don't know how help him. This is probably the single hardest thing in my life right now.
Even the doctor who saw me for my last UTI sized up my situation quickly. He discovered in a few short minutes that I have no family around, have a history of seizures and can't drive at present, and am not getting the rest I need. He gave me the most concerned look and I could tell he thought I needed help-- desperately-- and he had me crying right there in the room. And we didn't even discuss Caleb at all.
For the record, it is hard getting together with the few people I know. Two people from church had to cancel on me after I reached out. My best friend from college, Theresa, home schools, but she has been trying to get together with me when possible. (We are going for a walk later today!)
There is a deep ache inside of me, an inner loneliness that I have never before felt. Why am I writing this? Quite frankly, I'm not afraid to be open. I'm not one for shoveling my feelings under the carpet. I have no patience for fake Christians, and I simply won't be one of them. (And if that doesn't make me popular, I won't lose sleep over it.)
This past Sunday, Mother's Day, was especially hard for me. I just didn't feel like the pretty, smiling mothers you see in store ads, looking glorious while holding a ridiculously happy child. In fact, if there were nominees for Worst Mother of the Year, I would have been the first to submit my name for that title. I just felt so low, and quite frankly, at the end of my rope.
Since I didn't like what I saw when I looked at my soul's reflection in the mirror, I have been working hard to choose joy. Or, if I can't quite do that, at least to not wallow in whatever miry depths I am feeling. My children need me. They need my smiles and my giggles.
I haven't felt God's presence. In fact, I have wondered, since all of my prayers go seemingly unanswered, if God has moved away and left no forwarding address. (I am kidding here.) It seems like everything I ask for gets worse instead of better. Almost to the point that if someone has a prayer request, I feel like saying, "Better not ask me to pray!"
I have had to remind myself that faith isn't about feelings. Faith is faith, in all circumstances. When we get unexpected medical bills that should have been taken care of (but will not be), and the vacuum goes bust, God still hasn't left His throne. When Silas still wakes up screaming, night after night, God is still the Almighty God. Quite frankly, He has His reasons, and He doesn't need to tell me what they are.
Jesus said, "I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20). That's a promise, made by One who is absolutely incapable of breaking His Word. I am not alone. Even if the boys seem to gang up on me at once, both with dirty diapers and serious whining, while I'm running around, trying to calm everyone, clean them up, and get food on the table. He is with me.
I am not alone.
"And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."~Deuteronomy 31:8
(As a side note, I was listening to a Bible radio program yesterday, Family Life, and on it they had an empty-nest mother giving advice to younger mothers. Her advice? Our only goal should be to keep our children alive until bedtime. That is all we need to do. If we do anything beyond that, FANTASTIC! An excellent reminder that the house doesn't need to be perfect, nor do we need to bake away the day and serve one glorious meal after another. We simply need to care for our kids. That was good to hear!)
