A few days ago, Caleb said "I love you" to me for the first time.
He has said it before, but only after I have prompted him, one word at a time. This time, however, he said it on his own, and I hadn't said the phrase to him. I was having a serious conversation with him, the kind where my eyes were watering up, and he said, "I love you."
Cue the melting heart. I have been waiting a long time to hear those words.
I am sure you all heard of the boy in Florida who was grabbed by the alligator? That story has gripped my heart since I first heard it. I kept picturing Caleb in that situation. And I wondered, what would he be thinking in the last moments? Besides sheer panic, would he thinking that I loved him?
I'm going to open up my heart here, because I feel so little of that is done in the church today. We've had our struggles with Caleb. It is not easy. But sometimes, I step back and listen to myself, and I don't like what I hear. I'm snapping at Caleb much more than I should. "Don't throw that! Don't hit Silas! Come here... NOW!" And I got to thinking, gee, I need to make sure I am telling him I love him, more than anything else. (Not that I ever stopped saying those words, but I think you know what I am trying to say.)
I've tried to change my tune. Of course, Caleb still needs the teaching and the training, but if I do it without love, it will be for nothing.
Brian took off from work yesterday, because we had an appointment with Caleb's neurologist. The four of us headed out, close to an hour's drive. We had a small list of questions, and the doctor was patient to answer them.
First, Caleb is borderline autistic, on the lower end of the spectrum. We are thankful he is not a severe case. For example, Caleb is easily engaged and makes excellent eye contact. He's not off in his own little world- thank the Lord!
The bad news: since Caleb is slightly autistic, the chances of future children having autism go up. We don't yet know if Silas will have autistic traits. So far, he shows no signs. However, Caleb's signs did not show up at Silas's age. We will have to wait and see, and of course, pray.
We discussed the issue of room sharing for Silas and Caleb. If you've read this blog for a time, you know Silas has been sleeping in our room. Brian and I have been evicted, forced to sleep on the couches in the living room. Why don't we simply share with Silas? Two reasons. Silas still wakes up crying in the morning, and I don't want to listen to him cry, right next to him, at about 3:30. Also, Brian snores fairly loudly, and if it is enough to wake me up, it will wake Silas up. I don't want to sleep in a separate room from my husband, so we are both out of our own bedroom.
Why don't we put Silas downstairs? Since we are built on a slab, we treat the downstairs like a basement. It gets slightly musty in the summer, and there are patches of mold here and there. We treat them, but they do pop up. We would not put our children to sleep down there, night after night.
When we asked about Caleb and Silas sharing a room, I thought the doctor would wave aside my concerns and tell me to put them together. It was the opposite! He thought neither was ready to share a room with one another, and that we should wait until they are a bit older. I was, on the one hand, relieved to know I'm not just a worry-wart who has been holding them back for no reason, but on the other hand, I was discouraged to think that Brian and I will still be sleeping in the living room for months to come. (The love seat, folks, is not long enough for my legs.)
We also asked about Caleb's disobedience, which is a real problem. I texted my sister one day, telling her that I was worried Caleb would end up in jail some day, because we just can't get him to be obedient, no matter how hard we try. He told us two things. With boys, it takes longer. And for someone like Caleb, with his developmental delays, it will take even longer. He encouraged us to keep at it, keep training him, and don't give up. I needed to hear it. He said Caleb is in a battle with us, and he is trying to gain control. We have to keep on him, and he will get it one day. It will simply take more time with him. We breathed a sigh of relief as we heard this, trusting that all is not yet lost.
We discussed Caleb's physical "obsession" with hitting Silas, sitting on him, rolling on him, poking his eye, pushing him, etc. He said this is something true for boys in general, and no matter how much we remind him not to do those things, it just doesn't compute. Hopefully, in time and as he matures, we can teach him what is appropriate, and what is not. Obviously, they are boys, and they are going to wrestle and clobber and whatever else, but we need to teach them both what is acceptable and fun, and what is unacceptable and just plain mean.
We talked about his over-the-top fear of the potty that has prevented us from beginning potty training, and he gave us some practical tips. When Brian is off this summer, he is going to take the reins on this, because it is not going to be easy. There will be lots of screaming and fits of rage, and more than likely, it will take a while. Step by step.
Most of all, the doctor encouraged us that it doesn't matter how Caleb starts out. It matters how he finishes. It is going to be hard, he told us. But there is hope.
For me personally, the hardest thing has been Caleb's disobedience and temper. I can handle the delays. I can handle the fact that we need to help him use eating utensils, get him dressed, change his diaper at 3 years old, and sometimes use Google translator to understand him. What bothers me most is the defiance and the temper. Brian and I, more than anything, want to win his heart. We want his obedience, unflinching and unwavering.
I'm glad to have Brian home this summer. He is the calm one, my steady "other half". When Caleb is fuming and having a fit, he handles it better than I. I need his strength.
These past few days, I have been pouring my love on Caleb. I think in the midst of all the "Don't push Silas!" reminders, and dealing with the screaming when he is mad at how I am stirring his yogurt, I had forgotten that loving him is still my first goal. I have been far happier as I have shifted priorities. One phrase that Caleb has heard me say many times is "Please forgive me". I am not ashamed to admit when I am wrong, and I will model true humbleness and repentance before him. When I have reacted to Caleb in anger, I have taken his face in my hands, looked him squarely in the eye, and confessed my wrong. It is never too early to start demonstrating what repentance looks like.
I am a work-in-progress, folks. God is not done with me just yet.
As always, we thank you for your prayers.
