When my world spins out of control, or collapses right in front of my eyes, of course I cry out to God in prayer. But the other thing I do? I write.
I have known for some time that my postpartum depression is very much linked to the behavior of my oldest. Caleb has been defiant, obstinate, and violent for quite some time. We were slowly realizing something was wrong with him... but we didn't know what. Our "training" never seemed to work. Good behavior was elusive. And as I had to deal with him day after day, my own spirits were plummeting.
After a few days of unusual regression, we brought Caleb to the doctor. While he has not been officially diagnosed (we still need to bring him to the neurologist), all signs are pointing to autism.
I WEPT right there in the room. All my worst fears came rushing forth, and at the same time, everything made sense. So THIS was why we were struggling SO MUCH with him. Why all of our training seemed to get us no where but FRUSTRATED.
I could have handled the news better one week ago. But since Sunday night, I don't know how to explain it, Caleb has regressed, and he is no longer the same boy he was last week. We have the same problems we had before, but more. He's been going to bed at night screaming, and banging his head in the crib. He's been waking in the middle of the night, screaming, and banging his head. During the day, if one thing goes wrong in his world, he has been screaming, inconsolable. He keeps requesting things that Brian and I can't understand, things he hasn't requested before, and he is mad when we don't do what he wants. Not just mad, but fall on the floor, screaming in hopeless heap, unable to move on and play with another toy. He continually slaps himself in the head.
Folks, I don't know how to parent an autistic child. I have no idea. I want to head for the hills and hide out, away from it all. But I can't. I am his mommy.
Brian and I need you on your knees for us, like never before. We have a long road ahead of us. We are going to look into diet changes (ie: gluten free) for Caleb. Down the road, perhaps dairy and sugar free, too. We were reading that some of those things can be of help.
My heart has been hurting for a while now, always wondering where in the world my sweet boy was. Now I know. He's locked up inside himself, trapped, unable to get out.
If you have been reading this blog, you know we can't take much more. I didn't think I could take any more before this. We are so isolated here in PA, with no family to love on us or help us in our times of weakness, like this one. I have a baby to take care of, and now an autistic child. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know how to go on.
I called my mother yesterday, as I always do, when I first heard the news. She wept with me over the phone. And in some strange way, it was the most comforting thing in the world.
So, please, weep with me. I promise I won't push you away.
And please pray for our boy.
