When we were dating, Brian took me horseback riding. It was basically a fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I had always wanted to try it, but never had the opportunity.
Well, it was a lot harder than I thought! I opted to wear a helmet, because I didn't trust myself. We were put with a coach of sorts who guided us as we cantered through the woods, with lots of inclines, descents, rocks, and all manner of difficulties (at least, for me, the beginner). I don't remember if it was Brian's horse or the coach's, but one of them kept biting my more gentle horse, and I was basically scared to death. I kept thinking, "Why can't we just let the horses go on a nice leisurely stroll on flat ground so I can get used to all of this?"
Needless to say, I was glad when my two feet met solid ground again.
Life is like that. More often than not, we must walk the bumpy, difficult road, feeling like the inexperienced traveler, longing instead for a smooth, easy path. And certainly nothing to bite us in the behind when we are already down!
For me right now, the path I am on is a bumpy one. I won't sugar coat it or make excuses or pretend otherwise. I've been through hard times in my life before, and this one ranks up there as one of the hardest.
I had a second seizure almost three weeks ago. After my first one in September, we assumed it was a postpartum thing, and we were not overly concerned. When the second came and went, we realized something more was happening inside of me.
The neurologist quickly diagnosed me with epilepsy, for the simple reason that I had seizure #2. His solution was to immediately put me on medication with a warning to wean Silas, who could not have the medication via breast milk. Brian and I left the office extremely discouraged, knowing that we were NOT going to wean Silas from the wonderful benefits of nursing this early.
My sister encouraged me to run, not walk, to a doctor not too far north from my former stomping grounds. He is all homeopathic, and works on figuring out what is wrong with the body while bringing the whole body back into balance. Some people might find it just plain weird or wacky, but he has cured leukemia and other terrible things. One girl came to him who was told she needed her leg amputated... needless to say, she still has her leg. My sister went there and he has cured her of Lyme's Disease.
So, we went. My dad was nice enough to come with us, since the appointment itself takes about two hours, and I knew Brian would need an extra hand with the boys. The doctor used his computer to do a body scan and found that my nervous system was in terrible shape, as well as my ovaries, and my hormones. (Hello, postpartum depression.)
I walked away with several homeopathic treatments, and a water treatment to detox my body. I will need to go back again next month, but it feels so good to be on a path to better health. Lord willing, I can kiss these seizures goodbye forever.
This treatment isn't cheap, and I am so grateful to have a husband who cares so much for me, and he didn't even think twice about spending the money. Normally, I would never agree to spend this on myself, but, since we are dealing with seizures here, I really felt like I had no choice. I am home alone with these boys every day, so getting treatment is absolutely vital.
I am also struggling with sleep deprivation. My darling boy still is not sleeping through the night, and, no, I don't want to hear your comments. "He STILL isn't sleeping through the night?!?!" "You just gotta let him cry-it-out!" "He should be sleeping through the night by now!!" Believe me, I have already heard it all.
I am just about desperate to get some real sleep. DESPERATE. My lack of sleep is affecting my whole life. My attitude for starters. I am exhausted, worn out, depleted, and just plain empty. I have tried cry-it-out, repeatedly. Let me tell you, this kid can endure. Last night, he started at about 10:18, and went until 11:55. Meanwhile, I was right next to him in my bed (this is why he is in our room and not with Caleb), not sleeping as he was screaming in his pack 'n play. I tried, folks. I really did. I was falling asleep on the couch in the living room before bed, totally exhausted, only to head to my room, and the crying began. I lasted as long as I could. I just needed sleep, so I finally took him and nursed him. Did I win the battle? No, I did not. But when you are exhausted in the middle of the night and you just want to sleep... enough said.
So I nursed him, put him down a little after midnight, and then he was up again at 2:41. Then he was up for the day at something like 5.
I truly have no idea what else to do. Cry-it-out worked with Caleb, fairly easily and quickly. Not so with Silas. Even when he does successfully cry himself back to sleep, he is up again in an hour. That happened the night before last.
This is the hard, bumpy road right now. It is tough, folks. I won't lie. In the middle of the night, as I cry out to God, begging Him to help my little one get back to sleep, and He doesn't, even He feels so far away.
When I went home this past weekend, my parents welcomed us with open arms. What's more, is they took care of me. My dad is 100% Italian, and that means that no one goes hungry, ever, on his watch. My mom sort of picked up this concept, as her mother-in-law taught her how to cook authentic Italian meals. It felt so good to have other people take care of me for a change, instead of me take care of everyone else. My mom made homemade sauce, meatballs, sausage, and pasta. My dad even made sandwiches for our car ride back to PA, and bought bagels for us at my favorite bagel place to take back with us, just because. My parents are by no means rolling in money, in fact, the total opposite, yet they still treat us to good quality meals. Though I still was up in the middle of the night there, too, I came away feeling a bit refreshed due to the tender, loving care I received.
I hope I have not wearied you while reading this. Who else does this, opens up about all their issues, online, no less? (Not like many people read this blog.) I have nothing to hide. I'm not worried what people think. It is a tough road, and I do have the hope that it won't last forever.
Thank you for reading. Your prayers are appreciated a thousand times over.
