I spent the greater part of the past few days on the internet. I wasn't shopping for shoes, wasting time on Facebook (we don't have Facebook), or drooling over stuff for my home that I can't afford.
I stumbled upon one Christian homemaker's blog after another- stay-at-home moms, like me, except they have been at it for longer. Most of those women write those blogs to be an encouragement of sorts. They give how-to's in all manner of topics. Some blog posts made me jealous. Their homes looked so much better than mine. They seemed to have a secret that I didn't have. Though I'm not at that point yet, they had homeschooling ideas that seemed far and above what I would ever come up with when that time comes for Caleb and me.
The posts were very often titled with something catchy, like "Five Secrets to a Happy Home," and "Three Things I Leave On My Counters and Three Things I Don't". (I still am wondering how she only keeps three things on her counters. Congratulations to you if you have infinite cabinet space to store everything away and out-of-sight. I do not.)
I was caught up, most of all, in these many mothers who are going all-natural, whether it comes to food, cleaning products for the home, bath and body cleaning products, natural, herbal medicines, etc., etc., etc.
I started that journey some time ago- the journey to become more natural and rid my home of the toxic junk that is everywhere. I stopped buying store-bought cleaners, and largely use baking soda and vinegar to do the majority of my cleaning. Before I started cloth diapering, I dabbled with making my own laundry detergent. I have even made my own deodorant, though lately I have been buying chemical-free deodorant online. I have been ridding our home of the chemically-loaded shampoos and soaps, and have started relying on castille soaps instead. As for food, well, I try! I do try to buy organic as much possible, but unfortunately, we are not rolling in money, and sometimes I just can't swing it at the store. Our store is expensive anyway, so that makes it doubly hard.
I have been trying to switch to herbal tea concoctions when a cold starts brewing, and Brian's recent cold had a very short duration due to the teas that I brewed for him constantly. I was able to chase away the cold I started coming down with myself by using the same teas.
However, as I was reading these blogs, I saw that there was SO MUCH I am not doing. And I just got so discouraged and OVERWHELMED. I need to start stocking up on essential oils. I need to make my own elderberry syrup. At some point when we become filthy rich, we need to buy a $300 water filtration system to remove the chemicals from our water, because the Brita just doesn't do the job.
I need to start throwing away plastic containers and purchase glass instead. And the air we breathe? That's toxic, too, even in our own homes. But if I purchase about ten different kinds of plants, I can make the air of better quality.
Oh, and don't light any candles that aren't made of beeswax. They are all toxic. Bye, bye Yankee Candle.
Oh, and don't eat grains at all. They are no good for you. Yes, that means bread, too. (Didn't Jesus say "I am the bread of life? If it is so bad for us, why didn't He have used another metaphor, perhaps, "I am the apple of life?")
All this to say, I very quickly suffered from information overload, so discouraged, thinking that if Brian or Caleb ever get a serious disease, it is all my fault, because I am the keeper of this home.
I poured my heart out before the Lord, trying to calm my over-panicked state of mind. So many changes! So many things to fix! All these things require money above and beyond the normal grocery bill. I asked Him to help me calm down, and take ONE THING AT A TIME, to give me wisdom, to proceed slowly, to not let it consume my entire being every second of the day.
For now, I think I need to take a bit of a break from all these homemaking blogs. I find the information useful, especially in regards to natural medicines, which is an area I know very little about, but I need to back off. Does it matter what someone else keeps on their counters? My house is not worthy to be posted in Better Homes & Gardens magazine. But it's MINE. Sure, there are things I'd like to change. There's clutter from time to time. My counters certainly have more than three things on them. But we have a roof over our three heads; we are warm and safe and dry.
I was tormented for at least three days straight, feeling like the absolute worst homemaker. After all, I was a working woman for so long, and it takes time to fully develop my homemaking wings. Perhaps I'm not where I want to be yet, but in time, I pray I will thrive in this role, without being overwhelmed on a day-to-day basis.
And as far as blogs go, I'm not looking to turn this one into a business, as many of these stay-at-home moms do. I write, primarily, for me! (Selfish, I know!) Besides Brian, I think his parents read this blog, and Doug and Sarah. That's probably it. (And that's okay with me!)
I will continue to strive to make my home a healthier place, but I also want to find a balance. After all, God already knows the number of our days. Trusting in Him is the best thing I can do as a homemaker. It's the best thing I can do for my husband and for my Caleb!
