Perhaps I should warn you that I'm not overly concerned with how people view me. I grew a thick skin long ago. I care if you perceive me as rude or ungodly or nasty or mean, because if I did something to deserve those titles, then I need to do something about it. But if someone sees me as weak or emotional or wimpy or pathetic, I guess I don't really worry about it all that much.
I have been struggling with a deep loneliness that I have never before felt in my life. I've struggled with loneliness before- when I went away to college and when I taught in Prague for a year. However, each of those things was temporary. I settled in at college and made friends, and family was only an hour and forty minutes away, so I could go home once a month. My year in Prague was much harder, and it took longer to get properly situated, but eventually I did. Plus, the knowledge that it was only for a year certainly helped ease any struggles.
My first year here in PA was spent in our tiny apartment as a newlywed. My second found me here in our house. I spent that year getting settled and also joyously awaiting the arrival of our Caleb. Of course, I missed my family, but it wasn't a crippling kind of loneliness.
It's different now. I struggle with it much more so than ever before.
I never knew that being a stay-at-home mom could be so hard. (Now, let me make this clear: I have no regrets. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't want daycare raising my son.) BUT- it is a big change than the world I used to know. I was a working woman, out every day as I mingled with my coworkers and my students. I lived in an area where there was just much more to do and more places to go. Not to mention that my family and friends were there.
It can be difficult to get out much at all these days, except briefly, due to maintaining the nap schedule, and since we live the woods, there just isn't very much to do in these parts. Sometimes when we make plans to go out on the weekend as a family, Brian can be frustrated by the limited times we can get out to due naps. I'm always the one trying to stick to the normal routine, and I remind him that I don't like it either. It is very constricting and limiting to maintain such a schedule, especially for us as things are so far away. But, it has to be done. (For the record, I know a lot about baby sleep. It is a known fact that car naps are not very restorative and should only be used sparingly. Also, Caleb actually sleeps for a much shorter duration in the car. He wakes up after half an hour.)
Then comes the awareness some days, like a ton of bricks, as if I didn't know it before- I am never going home again. I don't mean that I'll never visit, but I'll never dwell there again, to see my family on a regular basis as they see one another. This sometimes makes me gasp for breath as the realization washes over me anew. I am very close to my mom and sister, and I struggle with the fact that I'm the outsider now. Caleb doesn't get to grow up with any cousins, on either side of the family. That thought brings me pain, too.
We haven't traveled since December. In the early months, it wasn't as difficult, because babies are much more flexible then. They don't have much awareness of their surroundings and routines are not nearly as important. (Though, Caleb did have a hard time at my parents' house last December, for whatever reason.)
Now, every time I think about traveling for Thanksgiving, I know it will probably be more headache than pleasure. I keep putting off the decision. We're due to have Thanksgiving with my family since we flip-flop holidays every year, and I just don't know what to do. Caleb is one that thrives on routine and the predictability of it. And I know, without a doubt, that putting him down in a place other than his crib to sleep at night, to leave him in a strange room, and expect him to fall asleep on his own is asking way too much. Only one word comes to mind when I ponder such things: DISASTER. (And no, he doesn't fall asleep to rocking. He does to nursing, only when he is tired enough, but once he does, you can't put him down again without waking him up.)
These things all contribute to the overwhelming loneliness I tend to feel these days. Frustration that it is always us that has to travel during the holidays because we don't live near family. Sadness because Brian hasn't been home since last November and because I haven't seen my sister and brother and all my nieces and nephews since December.
So, this is where you come in and say, "Get a hold of yourself! Enough self-pity!" And you'd be quite right. I have SO MUCH for which I am thankful. I truly do! But, I can't help but feeling lonely, as much as I do try.
Sometimes it feels good to be honest with myself and get the words out. Forgive me for pouring out my heart in such a way. It will get easier, over time, I know, and I will be patient for that day.
Thanks for reading.
