I wrote a couple of posts ago that I am nervous about labor, now that I know just the amount of pain that awaits. I'm also worried, and praying fervently, about the timing of labor (praying it won't happen until my mom is safely ensconced here in our home and when my midwife is not out-of-town, which she will be a few days before and up to my due date).
I am also nervous about having two children. It hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. It had been a crazy week last week with Brian off and doing one event after another, and yesterday we went to a concert in which he was performing. I suddenly realized in the midst of all the busyness- I am 32 weeks along- only 8 weeks to go!
When pregnant with Caleb, I wasn't worried. How hard would it be taking care of one child? Of course it isn't easy, but there is nothing else competing for my attention. Now with #2 coming soon, I am nervous. Caleb is such a handful. He can be very demanding, and he is also very particular. Things have to be just so for him. (Wonder where he gets that from?) He is always up early, making me wonder how in the world I will ever get enough rest, when I will be up nursing a baby all night, and cannot sleep in with that baby.
I've definitely heard other parents admit to that fear of wondering how they will care for two, when being used to one. Similarly, it is quite the opposite when awaiting #3. Somehow after having two and making that adjustment, the adjustment to three is much more of a breeze (or so I have heard).
I'm so used to our routine now, and knowing that it will soon be disrupted completely is definitely nerve-wracking. What if the baby needs a feeding during Caleb's bedtime routine, and Brian isn't home? Will I be even able to take a shower on the nights Brian works?
I am always telling my mom newborns are easy, much easier than toddlers, with the exception of being up all night doing feedings. However, a newborn and a toddler definitely have me worried. Caleb is a handful on his own, with all his throwing toys and temper tantrums.
That is another thing. Caleb is definitely fully emerged in the "throwing things" stage. I was hit in the eye just yesterday with a hard toy. Obviously, we are dealing with this and not just letting him get away with it, but he is a slow learner in this regard. Of course, I worry about an object hitting the baby, because Caleb has some surprisingly good throws. I'm SO glad Brian will be home this summer to help me reign Caleb in a bit. Caleb definitely needs Daddy's firm hand and strong presence.
(Side note: Caleb is ALL boy. He and Daddy do a lot of tackling together, which is fine for Brian, but when Caleb comes running up toward me, I have to protect my belly! He comes full force, and I have to put my arms in front of myself to protect the baby! I am definitely a girly-girl and physically very delicate, so it is a challenge for me, having such a rough-and-tumble boy! I remind myself that a balance is needed, and I will teach Caleb to be soft and gentle when he needs to be. Thank goodness he has Daddy, who loves getting down on the floor and wrestling with him!)
I guess all this to say: It's just different this time around. With Caleb, since he was my first, it was all excitement. Now I know how draining motherhood is, how tiring, how demanding. I do love it! But it isn't easy, either. In fact, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Caleb is the toughest boss I've ever had (and I've had lots of jobs!). This time around, there are the worries and the wonders: Can I do it all? Am I enough?
If you are wondering where in the world my faith is, don't worry, it is still there! Of course, I trust in the Lord. He made me and made my children and put us together, so I am confident I will find my way, eventually. It may not be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is!
